Sign up here for the 500 Word Critiques

[Whispersecret]

Cut and paste the first 500 words of your story here and I'll give you my honest opinion and a detailed, perhaps line by line, critique. (For the actual critiques and subsequent discussions go here )

No guarantees on how long it'll take from the time you post. It could be a month or more.

Expect straight-shooting, no candy-coating to make the medicine go down easier.

Occasionally I will rewrite parts to demonstrate what I think needs to be done.

Remember that because I'm only seeing the first 500 words that some of my assumptions or observations will be off base. However, also keep in mind that your reader will be starting at the same point I am, so if anything I bring up isn't addressed later in the story, you might want to consider making some changes.

One critique per customer, unless I decide otherwise.

Remember, this thread is only for the submissions. This is to make it easier for me to snag the next person in line without having to wade through all the commentary.

Thanks for your cooperation.

 

[Whispersecret]

One more thing:

As of today these are the people I have yet to critique. I'm not going to cut and paste their passages here. I'll just snag them from the original thread.

the_bragis
Alex DeKok
Candy_Apple
Phoenix646
Ladyphoenix
Graymouse

Anyone who signs up here on this "new" thread should expect to wait until these six people have been critiqued.

 

[Guest]

Edge Game


Hi, Whisper. Below is all I've written. I guess the story will be about 3,000 words long. I won't give storyline here, it should be obvious.
Most of my stories take a while to build, so don't expect much more than scene setting here. Only three of the four characters are introdcued in the first 500 words.
Okay, enough excuses! Hack away (when you get to it!)




Edge Game

Joe had met up with Jessica in the College Library. They were both taking the same psychology course. They’d seen each other before, and had progressed quickly from nodding glances, through exchanging “Hi”s, to chats about coursework over café lattes. They got on well together, Joe thought. He wasn’t experienced enough in reading body language to detect any signs of attraction. She was probably simply a nice, friendly girl, he decided, so he would keep it casual till he knew her a little better.

“Hey, come over and have something to eat later, We take turns doing the cooking at my place. It’s my turn tonight,” said Jessica wiping the foamed milk from her lips. “My house mate Sue always has her weird boyfriend round these days, and I hate being on my own with those two. If you’re there I won’t feel like I’m doing it just for them.”

“Well, glad to be able to square the triangle,” said Joe. What a jerk, he thought. He would never shake off his ‘geek’ label with comments like that. Maybe he should change his major to Psychology, like Jessica.
He’d chosen Cognitive Science because of the AI course, but had recently found himself losing interest in his adolescent obsession with computer programming. He found the psychology course a lot more interesing. It had a lot more female students, too.

“Cool. See you around seven then. You can help me make a start on my course essay if you like. I could use some help with it, to be honest.”

“Sure. Seven.” So that’s what she thought of him. Useful.

He arrived at the house. It was a small terraced house in a long row, typical of the student accommodation found in Brighton.

Jessica let him in. Her eyes were streaming with tears.

“Hi, Joe. Sorry. Chopping onions. Come in. Sue and Carl are in the living room.”

Joe followed Jessica through to the kitchen, not yet ready to introduce himself to the others. He sat at the table and lit a cigarette. She plucked it from his lips, took a big drag, and replaced it in his mouth before carrying on with her onion chopping.

“So, what’s your essay about, Jess?”

“The title is ‘Are Taboos Culturally Defined?’”

“Meaning, what: Are there limits to socially acceptable behavior that don’t come from society, but are sort of 'programmed in' to people?”

“Yeah, I think so. There’s a reading list.”

Carl had entered the kitchen, unnoticed. He flicked the ash from the spliff he was smoking into the unwashed cereal bowl that was serving as an ashtray. He didn’t pass the spliff on to Joe.

“Why don’t we find out? I suggest we play the Edge Game later. Jess?” Carl stared at the back of Jessica's head, while she lit the gas ring with Joe's lighter.

“The ‘Edge Game’? Is that like ‘Truth or Dare’?” asked Joe.

Carl answered him, but continued to stare at Jessica. “Yup. So have you two fucked yet?”

Jessica eyed Joe with a ‘see what a weirdo I have to put up with’ expression. She busied herself with a clove of garlic.

“Have you two fucked yet?” Carl repeated the question, his intonation unchanged.

Jessica smiled wryly. “Carl, you fucking child, do you mind leaving us alone.” She added to Joe, “He’s always doing that. Philosophy student. Tries to get down to brass tacks. No idea how to talk normally, so he makes up for it by trying to dominate the conversation with provocative statements. Typical ‘only child’. Trying to outdo Daddy all the time.”

“So you haven’t. Well, why not?”

 

[margo_x_x]

I staggered to my feet, as the mother of all migraines crushed my skull.

“My head is killing me,” I whined. “Doesn’t anybody care?”

I could hear heavy breathing and the throaty moans of lust, but I couldn’t see them. Part of the problem was my blurred vision and the spots in front of my eyes. The fact that I was facing the wrong way didn’t help either.

Rusty gears gnashed in my brain as I tried to think, “Where am I? What am I doing? Where the hell are all my clothes?”

“Smack!”

Something got me right in the back of my leg. I almost went down, but as soon as I got my rubber legs under me, I whirled and started cussing like a sailor.

“What the fuck do you think…”

“Yeah baby, yeah. Give it to me give it to me. Uh, uh, uh.”

It was my sister. She was on the floor. She was kicking her feet like an insane frog and I had to jump back before she got me again.

“Carol?” I said.

“Ugh, ugh, ugh.” She was so intent on what she had between her legs, she acted as if I wasn’t there.

“Carol!”

I cringed as my own voice made my head throb.

“Almost there, almost there.” she said.

It was a low, guttural rasp. Hard to believe that sound came from my sister. Harder still to believe how she looked and what she was doing.

Her hair was a fright, soaked with sweat and flying around like the Gorgons. Every inch of her body glistened with perspiration as she jiggled and bounced. The man’s leg, sticking out from under her twitched spasmodically, as she pounded her naked body on him like a sex-crazed animal.

“Argh, here it comes, here it comes.” Even her toes were clenching.

“Carol, what…”

“Arrrrrgggghhhhh.”

She had just jumped up and thrown herself back down on him.

“Watch it,” I yelled, but it was too late.

Her feet whipped past my dodging body, my feet got tangled in the Sybian machine’s wires, and I crashed to the floor in a tangle of my own arms and legs.

“I’m commmmiiiiinnnggg!”

My hackles rose as Carol’s strainedscreech plunged a dull knife into my left temple. Her staccato, “I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming,” twisted the blade in my brain.

“Shut the fuck up!”

“I’m coming!” another girls voice started, and then a third. Their combined yowls were enough to peel the paint off the walls.

“Make it stop!”

I pressed my hands on my ears as I sprawled across the sex machine. The controller for the machine sat clearly in the center of my vision, as countless black and white dots clouded everything else.

“Hello,” I said as I turned it on.

“Ahhh.” The motor started and the middle thing started moving.

You’re supposed to ride it like a horse, not lie across it with the thingy in your bellybutton. I didn’t care. The rest of me still felt like I’d escaped from a clothes dryer, but right then, my bellybutton felt great.

 

[Delicate Sea]

Thanks Whispersecret!

The Game
Thanks so much for taking the time to help me out, Whispersecret. I'm prepared for whatever you have to say, good or bad! Thanks again, this is very much appreciated.


The Game

Scott and I had been in a monogamous relationship for just over 6 months. He wasn't the most open-minded person, especially when it came to sex. I, on the other hand, enjoy exploring my sexuality and that of others. I came up with an idea that I just knew would spice up our sex life.

We were residing in a small Alaskan town at the time, and Scott and I would often drive up to Anchorage to spend the weekend shopping and exploring the surrounding areas of the "Big City". Like I said, Scott wasn't too keen on trying new things and when I told him that I wanted to go to a lounge that we hadn't been to before, he was very hesitant, but finally said yes.

After a nice, lingering dinner and a couple of very strong martinis, I told him to go ahead and go to the lounge and that I would meet him there in an hour. The stipulation was this-I wanted him to act like he and I were complete strangers. If it weren't for the drinks, I'm sure he would have immediately backed out and refused to fulfill my fantasy.

We pulled up to the hotel room and I got out of the cab and reassured him that I'd meet him in the lounge in one hour. In the hotel room, I quickly showered and then massaged a lightly scented lotion all over my body. I clasped a lacy, black garter belt around my waist and slid black stockings up over my long, smooth legs. My nipples hardened as the my dress draped freely over my nude upper body. I reached up and felt the silken dress against my breasts and ran my hands along my waist and hips, wishing I had time to stop enjoy the feeling of dampness that was forming between my legs. I loosely pinned my long auburn hair atop my head and slid my feet into my heels. I called a cab and drank a glass of wine and touched up my makeup as I waited. At last the cab arrived and I was on my way to meet my "stranger, " Scott at the lounge.

As I entered the lounge, I felt like all eyes were upon me. Scott started to stand up and come towards me and I quickly turned and walked over to the bar and found a seat next to an older, distinguished gentleman who immediately asked if he could buy my a drink. I sat with my body towards him I sipped my glass of wine. Seductively running my fingers up and down the stem of the wine glass. Scott was sitting alone at a table and I could tell that he wasn't very pleased by the way I was intentionally adjusting my body so the man next to me could fully view my long legs and erect nipples.

It wasn't long before Scott joined us at the bar. I was hoping that he would continue the "game" and not lead on that we weren't actually strangers. As Scott leaned up against the bar, I turned and faced him, bending over to adjust the strap on my shoe in such a way that Scott could have an unobstructed view of my full breasts.


__________________

 

[karmadog]

bump

(Not that I'm trying to make work for you, WS, but your critiques are good reading.)

 

[HobitStoryTeller]

First 500 Words

cleaned up, I thought?

 

[DarlingNikki]

First - thank you for doing this!

Ok, here goes. This story is meant to go into the "Group" catetory. Tommy ends up bringing me to some pool hall where we hook up with a strange girl named Kim. At first I do it just to please him, but I end up enjoying it. Please be as harsh as you need to and as detailed as you have time for. First 520 words (sorry!):

***

“I never get to do anything exciting anymore,” I grumbled. “Between college and my stupid job, I never even go out. School isn’t so bad, but my job sucks. Did you know I have to call someone to come out and take my place before I can go to the bathroom? And then there’s the prissy little outfits I have to wear. Sometimes when I’m sitting there waiting for the phone to ring I just want to do something depraved – tear my clothes off and go running into the senior partner’s office screaming or something.”

Tommy had already been listening to me rant about my prim and boring receptionist job for half an hour, but he waited patiently for my rant to run out of steam. He grinned when I mentioned running around naked but he didn’t say anything.

“It’s so… clean. So goody-two-shoes,” I said. “I’m sick of it. I feel like it’s swallowing me up… I don’t want to be the nice girl they think I am at work. Ugh. I mean… I just want to… do something. Something different or shocking or… something,” I concluded lamely.

Apparently Tommy had finally had enough. “We’re going out,” he said. He took a final drag of his cigarette, tossed the butt out the window and stood up. “But you’re not wearing that.”

I glanced down at my jeans and crop-top with the flower appliqué on the chest. “What’s wrong with this?”

“You look like an eight year old.” Tommy opened the door of my walk-in closet and began flipping through the hanging clothes. I peered around him, chewing my lip as he rejected the blouses, sweaters and skirts I’d bought to wear to work. “This skirt is okay,” he said, holding up a denim mini-skirt. “Do you have any sexier tops?”

“Second drawer,” I said. Tommy handed me the skirt on the hanger and opened the second drawer of my dresser. He stirred through its contents, held up and tossed back a few tops until he came up with something tight and black with spaghetti straps.

“Here,” he said. He handed me the top and shut the drawer, its contents still in disarray. “Put this on. And the boots.” I knew immediately what boots he meant – the high heeled, knee-high black leather boots.

“I usually wear this top with jeans,” I said. “And this skirt with a sweater or something. And the boots I only wear with long skirts.”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “Just put it on and let me see how it looks.”

“But—“

“Will you come on already? Just let me see.”


“Fine.” I closed myself into the closet, wiggled out of my clothes, and put on Tommy’s selections. When I started stumbling around trying to put on the boots standing up, he opened the door.

“Nice.” He kneeled in front of me. “Let me do it,” he said. He zipped up my left boot and then helped me into my right boot and zipped that up too, while I put my hands on his shoulders to balance myself. “Come out and turn around for me.”

 

[DarlingNikki]

Better?

“I never get to do anything exciting anymore,” I grumbled. “Between college and work, I never even go out. And my job is so incredibly boring. Sometimes when I’m sitting there waiting for the phone to ring I just want to do something depraved – tear off the stupid, prissy clothes I have to wear and go running into the senior partner’s office screaming or something.”

Tommy had already been listening to me rant for half an hour but he waited patiently for me to run out of steam. He grinned when I mentioned running around naked but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m sick being the nice girl they think I am at work. Ugh. I just want to do something. Something different or shocking or… something,” I concluded lamely.

Suddenly I wished I hadn’t gone on like that. My time with Tommy usually involved an unexpected phone call from him after ten p.m. and a couple of hours of vigorous sex. I always enjoyed the sex, but I longed for more, and he knew it too. Which was why he knew he could keep calling and why I usually agreed to anything he suggested, no matter how dirty it seemed or how nervous it made me feel. And for once he was actually in my apartment at a reasonable hour and having a conversation with me. I’d had the chance to show him I was more than just a willing pussy, and I’d ruined it by sounding like a whining baby.

I desperately cast about for a more interesting subject for conversation, but before I could grasp at something, Tommy spoke. “We’re going out,” he said. He took a final drag of his cigarette, tossed the butt out the window and stood up. “But you’re not wearing that.”

I opened my mouth, not sure if I was about to scold him about the cigarette – I hated it when he did that – or ask him where we were going, but his last comment distracted me. I glanced down at my jeans and crop-top with the flower appliqué on the chest. “What’s wrong with this?”

“You look like an eight year old.”

Tommy opened the door of my walk-in closet and began flipping through the clothes. I peered around him, chewing my lip as he rejected blouses, sweaters, and skirts.

“Those are for work,” I explained, not wanting him to think I actually liked the dowdy clothes he was rejecting.

“I figured.” He tossed me a denim mini-skirt. “This skirt is okay. Do you have any sexier tops?”

“Second drawer,” I said. Tommy stirred through the neatly stacked contents of my second dresser drawer. He held up and tossed back a few tops without refolding them, and I had to bite back the urge to complain about the mess he was making. Finally he came up with something tight and black with spaghetti straps.

“Here,” he said. He handed me the top and left the drawer open. “Put this on. And the boots.” I knew immediately what boots he meant – the high heeled, knee-high black leather boots.

“I usually wear this top with jeans,” I said. “And this skirt with a sweater or something. And the boots I only wear with long skirts.” I admit I was liked the thought of dressing sexy, but I was also a bit insecure about it. What if I didn’t look good?

Tommy rolled his eyes. “Just put it on and let me see how it looks.”

“But—“

“Nikki, will you come on already? Just let me see.”

“Fine.” I closed myself into the closet, wiggled out of my clothes, and put on Tommy’s selections. I smiled to myself as I dressed – just as he knew I had was secretly in love with him, I knew he secretly enjoyed talking me into doing things that made me nervous. I don’t think some of the sexual things we did would have been half as exciting to him if they’d been my idea.

 

[MagicFingers]

Sherman And Sherman; Only For Women

Sherman and Sherman
Only For Women

"Laura and Jennifer here with our show tonight about female orgasms."
"I'm Laura and I'm a sex therapist.
My sister Jen is a medical doctor."
"Welcome studio guests, to our exciting show we have for you tonight."

"We'll have expert guests and discussions with our audience on what turns them on enough to get them off, how long it takes, and how many times they can do it at once."

"What turns you on, ladies? The right man, a sexy smell, a body rub, a fancy dinner out?

Do you have special techniques that always work? Do you use toys, clothing, or a special setting to make it good for you?
How many of you have a clitoral and/or a "G" spot orgasm? Can you cum without anyone even touching these areas? How many of you are multi-orgasmic? That is, can you have multiple orgasms or a seemingly continuous orgasm that lasts for a long time?

We'll be exploring these and other areas relating to female orgasms tonight. Later, we will have a question and answer period and will attempt to answer all your concerns."
"Let's get right to our first professional expert, Dr. Jackie Mulano, who has a PHD in physical science and a clinic for singles and couples who have sexual relation problems, or who just wish to increase their or their partner's sexual abilities."

"Welcome, Dr. Mulano."

"Thank you, I'm glad to be here, and, please, call me Jackie. It sounds more friendly and intimate. That is one of the first steps to having pleasurable sex - breaking down the communication barriers and learning to feel comfortable with those close to you."

Laura: "OK, Jackie, that's a good start. What can you tell us from your research figures?"

Jackie: "Our surveys show some interesting data, like between 10 and 15 percent of women have NEVER had an orgasm of any kind. 50% of women do not have orgasms on a regular basis, and only 30% have orgasms from normal heterosexual sex. Many are unaware of their "G" spot or how to stimulate it. Most women WANT more but don't know how to get more. I hope we can help them in their quests to achieve orgasms whenever they desire."

Jen: "We have mentioned our 20 methods to increased sexual pleasure in a previous show. One method involves the couple shopping together for sex toys. I see you have brought some to show our audience. Would you tell us some more about them, please?"

Jackie: "Sure. These are powerful ways to increase the libido in both sexes. One toy I particularly like is the remote control butterfly."

Laura: "A butterfly? You mean it really flies?"

Jackie, laughing: "No, it is a type of vibrator that the woman can wear over her genital area, in her panties or even without underwear! It is shaped like and looks like a butterfly, hence the name. It makes contact with the clitoral area and is completely hidden from the view of others.

Hmm, 500 words aren't very much. What do you think?

 

[Darlene B. Sweet]

I am a new member to Lit but have been writing for my own pleasure for many years. Thanks for your time and thoughts on my story. Darlene

Real Dreams
Sandra moaned loudly as she brought herself to climax. After a moment rest, she laid her vibrator on the nightstand beside her bed. She closed her eyes and dipped her index finger inside her cunt to feel the wetness she created. She looked down at her finger; it was covered with her own milky, white cream. She brought her finger up to her mouth. She licked and sucked on it until it was clean. She tasted so sweet. She massaged her left breast in the palm of her hand, and began pinching both nipples, which were already fully erect. She toyed with both breasts, as her mind wondered toward evening.

She worried tonight would turn out to be a disaster. Could she handle another disappointment in her life? Her break up with Jeff had devastated her. They had been high school sweethearts, soul mates. Destined to be married, or so everyone had thought, including Sandra. Although Jeff was not her first relationship, he had been the first to introduce her to S/m.

She remembered the first time he had grabbed her from behind and over powered her. The excitement that ran through her blood when being taken so roughly; had excited her beyond her dreams. Each sexual encounter Sandra had with Jeff, took her deeper and deeper down that dark path. How she yearned for more, until just making love . . . was boring.

She recalled looking back now how demanding she had been on Jeff. Always expecting something new to turn her on, needing more, a new scene to play out. How mad and disappointed she got when he just wanted to be romantic and soft with her.

She should have noticed the wedge she was hammering between them. The difference in their desires, but she didn't notice. She was so wrapped up in her own desirers and fantasy's. Jeff would eventually cum and the game would suddenly end. Jeff would be satisfied and happy, while Sandra hungrily wanted more and wished to play longer. It shouldn't have been such a surprise to find Jeff and Kate sleeping together when she dropped by his apartment unexpectedly. Jeff had mentioned Kate to Sandra on several occasions. She knew they were friends from work but she never pay much attention. Somewhere deep down inside, she knew they were drifting apart. She was changing.

She never saw or heard from Jeff again after running out of his apartment that day. He didn't even try to explain or apologize to her. What was there to say anyway? It was over. Had been over for a while now. Sandra didn't cry over their breakup.

That was three years ago. Time has a way of going on. The hurt fades gradually in time but the empty feeling from ending all of the games they played, grew. Once they were too short . . . now they didn't exist. How Sandra missed them.

She dated a lot of men since then. None of them wanted anything more than a quick fuck. She hinted and teased around about being tied up. None picked up on it or if they had, they didn't have the courage to try.

She was left alone with her memories and added to them in her own dreams. It still wasn't enough for Sandra, her life seemed meaningless; she wanted her dream to come to life again. She wanted to feel the ropes tight around her wrists holding her bound, unyielding as she struggled unable to get free.

It was during her lunch period at work, while sitting at the lunchroom table when she spotted it. There on the table was a newspaper open to the classified section. After reading it several times, she ripped out the ad and stuck it in her purse. She was lost; deep in thought the rest of the workday. Did she find what she had been looking for?

She spent several hours that night debating and questioning her desires. It took all of her courage to dial the phone number from the classified ad. Only one-way to find out; she finally convinced herself to make the call.

 

[mojo_cat]

i'd like one too please.

So far of the two stories I've posted, this one has received the best response, but it's still only one vote out of 21 viewings...is that common? I'm kinda new here.

The story is up also in Non-Erotic fiction, if you'd like ot read the rest.

Living Dead

We sit in our house on the hill, and we look at each other and smile. We have been married now seven years, and we are strangers.

I change the CD in the stereo and he nods appreciatively. I kiss him on the forehead and he pats my arm, and I remember when he would kiss me and I could hardly wait to wrap myself around him.

But we are married now, and we sit in our house on the hill and live our empty life together. There are no more casually comfortable moments, as when we were first married, and we would watch the idiot noise of television, our legs twined together like pretzels as we sat transfixed. There are no more sudden outbursts of laughter, when some innocent remark would become the object of our delicious ridicule.

There are no more mornings, as when I was out of work, and would get up with him at six o'clock to make a pot of coffee and iron his clothes as we listened to the oldies station, good old soul music. We'd talk, laugh or just sit and think what idiots we were to be up so early.

We were idiots. But we were happy.

I suppose I'm happy: I have a job again, and he is a solid citizen, a provider and a help with the housework. But on lazy Sunday afternoons, we sit in our house on the hill and there is no real love in the mote-speckled sunlight bath of a room.

I sit in this room and I feel like an old woman, and damn it, I'm only twenty-nine. There's plenty of life in me; I want to talk like we used to, and drink wine and listen to the music we used to listen to. Since I got married I've become a connoisseur of easy listening pop garbage.

I think lovingly of an old mix tape we used to love; we'd dance to it, sing each other the lyrics; or just hold on and be glad someone else was there.

I go up to our bedroom and dig through the box marked "living room". When we moved into our house on the hill we packed up all of our excess baggage, and we still haven't gotten around to unpacking a lot of it. We bought newer, nicer furniture, and CD's to replace our muffled old tapes.

The tape is here, on the bottom of the cardboard flap, hidden. The glare reflects off the plastic cover like a flashlight. I pick it up, gingerly, softly; almost as though I'm afraid it will burn me with the heat of remembered passions.

I realize age is making me a cheese ball. I used to laugh at women like this. I have lost touch with a lot more than my marital partner.

This realization makes me sad, and I snatch the tape up and run to the stereo in our living room. He hardly even looks up, assuming that as always, everything is under control. I place the tape in, rewind. I wait and listen to his breathing and the saccharine sweetness of the CD that is already playing.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=82511

Thanks.

 

[the_bragis]

..deleted

 

[mojo_cat]

deleted?

it wasn't about my story, was it? i got an email noify and came back to find deleted.

not really fair, getting girls all riled up and then leaving them with a tits-up like that.

 

[LongCandi]

Would like your help

Weekend Getaway Day 01
by LongCandi ©
People who think that your first name does not help determine your fate are invariably named Bill or John or Mary. They are safely anonymous behind their plain vanilla name and never have the world prejudge them or pigeon hole them based on their parent's whim alone. But take it from me, Candi - a name can dictate how others first perceive you and sway their ultimate treatment of you.

I would like to think that my parents had some fascination with Voltaire and shortened the outdated Candide for my sake – but I know better. It was the early 70s in America and my parents were rebellious (let us say with a wink), so they functioned within the barely socially acceptable boundaries of that freer time. "Candy" was a euphemism for any number of now heavily illegal substances that constituted their realm of pleasure and undoubtedly I was the result of one such night of intense pleasure. I'm sure they thought it cute to name me Candi. They thought of it as the ultimate inside joke (which proves how wasted they must have been at the time). Don't get me wrong. I love my parents and appreciate all that they have done for me. But the name they placed upon my head in 1972 has moved my life in ways that they could never have predicted.

I suppose it didn't help any that I also inherited my mother's beautiful features and (eventually) her somewhat intriguing figure. The world looked at me, heard the name Candi and immediately wrote me off as an air-head, an object, a thing. The jokes began early and never stopped through grammar school and high school. I was "sweet to look at", I would "melt in your mouth", and I gave wonderful "Hershey kisses". Even when I couldn't hear the particular comment made by a group of leering guys, I knew from their raucous laughter what they were talking about.

Even boyfriends couldn't resist the temptation of wooing me with their puns and commercial take-offs. Each of them would use the same tired lines and look at me as if I should marvel at their unique wit and intelligence. I learned to smile weakly lest they be crushed but their lack of novelty always weighed heavily against them. I learned to appreciate anyone who would get past my name on first being introduced which is why I became so attracted to my future husband, Jim, when we were introduced. Somehow without talking about it, he knew how my name had dictated so much of my life. He never mentioned it (and god, that was refreshing because even people who didn't make fun of it, ALWAYS wanted to talk about my name). It wasn't until much later – after I was totally in love with him and I think he was in love with me – that he finally verbalized any recognition of the burden I had to bear. One night he started calling me his "Joy" and it stuck as a pet name. He used it in passing and he occasionally used it while making love to me. I came to love it as well – and much later he ventured the origins of the name. He said I reminded him of an Almond Joy because I was "indescribably delicious". It was his first candy reference but it was very subtle and, yes, it was very sweet – pun intended.

Jim and I have had many exciting sexual adventures in our lives both before and after the one that I am about to relate. I have chosen to tell you this one because it was my first mature awakening to all that sex should and could be. It was a slow awakening as you will see. I am not one of those wives who suddenly decided to take on a barroom full of studs, but I hope you will enjoy the story just the same.

It happened when I was 21 and Jim and I were recently engaged. My sister and her husband had a house near the Rhode Island beaches and they were traveling abroad so they offered us the use of their home for a long weekend getaway. We jumped at the chance and when Jim's friend, Sam, heard about it he asked if he could tag along since he was an avid windsurfer and the area was perfect for that sport. I guess we sort of assumed that Sam's on-again off-again girlfriend Jane would be joining us but she had to work that weekend so it turned out to be just the three of us. I have always enjoyed Sam's company so there was no problem.

It was an early June weekend – clear and sunny – when the summer was just beginning and it seemed like it would never end. I packed a few things for the trip and at the last minute I threw on a new outfit that I had just made, a short skirt with a matching top made out of a white cotton with small blue stripes. I hadn't really thought much about it but when I got into the car, it was clear that it was having some effect on the boys. Jim kept mentioning how great it looked on me and Sam agreed both verbally and silently as I noticed he continued to steal looks at my legs in his rearview mirror on the drive down from Boston. I am a little older now and coming to grips with all that that entails, but as I reflect back that must have been the time when I was most in my prime physically. I am a tall brunette (5'10") and I have very long legs to compliment my fairly pronounced figure. I am not a stick by any means but I have managed to keep my figure if for no other reason than that I want to keep my man. I totally appreciated the attention that I was receiving that night. My sewing efforts were partly a result of my interest in that hobby and partly a result of my financial situation at that time, so I was relieved that my efforts looked professional. The conversation was pleasant on the trip down and when we got into Rhode Island we stopped at a liquor store and food store and loaded up for the weekend. I was truly looking forward to the getaway.

For most of that early Friday evening, we were content to have a few drinks and prepare our meal but after dining we all became a little anxious to go down and roam around on the beach. It was about a mile drive down from the house and we grabbed another bottle of wine and headed off. I can still remember that twilight – the air fresh with that hint of salt and fish that can immediately conjure up memories of a beach. The night was still warm but comfortable. The boys kidded me a little about being a tease as my skirt blew a little in the breeze but it was all harmless fun. We started to head back up to the house but when we got close, Jim asked me if I wanted to get out of Sam's car and walk the rest of the way. I quickly agreed because as much as I like Sam, I thought it would be nice to be alone with Jim for awhile.

 

[batchman]

Thank you Whispersecret

Carrie woke up that morning to find her panties were damp. "Damn that Max," she thought. Her husband's explicit, thorough description of his plans for her that day had given her erotic dreams of a nature she rarely experienced. Vivid dreams, full of rich visual images and sounds, complete with delightfully arousing physical sensations and smells. It was as though she had already lived the day once and was going to experience a slightly different version.

She could still feel Dream Max's hands sensually stroking her breasts, her arms, her stomach. She could still feel them, strong yet gentle, lazily finding their way to her erogenous zones as she excitedly anticipated their delicate touch on her most sensitive areas. She could still feel the cat tail seated firmly in her ass, the light playing off of the velvety material as she swished it back and forth. She could still feel the feline teeth in her mouth, the whiskers firmly yet painlessly seated under her nose, the velvety cat ears perched atop her head.

She felt as though she was still recovering from the many orgasms she had had in her dreams. She tried to slow her quick breathing, to relax her racing pulse, to clear her mind of the exotic images still whirling inside. She tried to will her erect nipples to lie down, her fiery pussy to dissipate its volcanic heat. "Damn that Max."

"Mornin' beautiful," Max called as he entered their bedroom. "Looks like you slept pretty well last night. I thought for sure you were going to wake up when I dropped that plate. Did you wear yourself out yesterday?" By this time Carrie was sitting on the edge of the bed, taking off her nightgown. Max saw her erect nipples and then the large wet spot on her panties. "Or just have a five-star dream?"

Carrie felt her face burn magenta with embarrassment. Max had a gift for knowing exactly what was going on with her just by glancing at her. It was as though, in a split second, no more time than it took to breathe in, Max could enter through the still blue ponds of her eyes and enter her soul, fathoming the deepest reaches of her inner being.

"It's all your fault, you know," she chided him. "You didn't have to be so specific with the details."

"What better way to get you excited about today? I've got a surprise for you. We're going to start early." He pulled a studded collar from behind his back and showed it to her. She lifted her long blonde hair off of her neck and let him buckle the collar around her throat. "Is kitty ready for some breakfast?"

She made a contented purring noise and said, "Kitty is starved." She stood up and took off her panties. She reached for the dresser drawer to get a clean pair but Max stopped her.

"I said we're going to start early today. You can get dressed tomorrow."

 

[Guest]

Thank you WS

Route 66

Caden lay in bed while he idly watched the wind whip the sheer curtain on an open double-French door. The breeze carried the scent of blooming honeysuckle and a hint of rain yet to come. He glanced at the engagement ring on the nightstand beside him. Afternoon sunlight hit the ring then the diamond captured the sun, refracted the light like a prism, and twinkled dazzlingly. Caden frowned, reached over and snapped the velvet ring box closed.

"Sylvia, you know, you just ruined a great moment." He said resentfully. She responded by wrapping an arm around his bare waist, snuggled close to him and molded her naked body against his. "How long have we known one another Syl? Five? Six years?"

"I was nineteen, you were twenty-five." She said breathing hot, moist breath on the nape of his neck. "Six years Caden, I think that I should be insulted that you can't remember." She nipped him between the shoulder blades with her sharp teeth, which made his prick twitch.

Caden squirmed and rolled over to face her. "Bare in mind, I'm male. My sex is notorious for forgetting details like that." He said twisting a strand of her dark, fiery hair around his finger. "That's why men like me need women like you to marry us so that you can remind us of such things."

"Is that so?"

"Definitely."

Sylvia smirked. "Good god Cade, give a girl a chance to think all this over will you? You're asking me to give up my wicked ways."

He tugged lightly on her hair. "This I know." Cade said with a warm smile. "That's the point darlin'."

"Well then babe, go to Portland, do your photo shoot, and by the time you come back home to Shreveport I'll be ready to give you an answer."

He rolled his eyes in response. "Oh and by the way Cade, don't forget to take my sister along for the ride," He mimicked her voice jokingly. "As Sarah's simply too terrified of flying."

"Well she is Cade." Sylvia giggled. "Besides that, my twin can keep an eye on you." She said more seriously to which was a stinging reminder to him of his past infidelities.

"Okay, fine" He agreed with a sobering look of his own. "Once I'm back I expect an answer." Sylvia nodded her approval of his terms, but he knew that she already had her mind made up. He knew she would tell him no. Caden rolled onto his back, pulling her with him where she straddled him. He felt her bare warmth and his cock grew hard in wanting her.

"In the mean time how about a little somethin'-somethin' for the road?" He said, temporarily forgetting his sadness because at the moment, physical gratification was the only thing on his mind and he could visit unhappiness later.

"But of course baby." Sylvia purred, spit into her palm, lubed him up and slid herself easily onto him. "I love fucking you." She sighed moving up and down on him.

 

[Whispersecret]

Well! What happened that my critique thread suddenly got revved up again? LOL. How lucky that it happened when my own writing is stalling.

Remember, the critique won't appear on this thread. It will go HERE

 

[Darlene B. Sweet]

Thanks - 500 word critiques

Wanted to thank you for your time and thoughts on my story. Feedback is very helpful and I have not received as much as I had hoped when posting stories. You gave me many new ideas and I will work on revising.
Thanks again,
Darlene

 

[Moyds_jewel]

If it's not too late to

beg and plead <just love to do that > for your generous editorial help...(btw, just got a new computer with newest version of WordPerfect and have NO idea how to do word count so please forgive if I have entered more than 500 here and (waves to all others perusing this thread) if anyone knows how to get a word count from WordPerfect10, PLEASE PM ME. thanks!

Ruby's Gift
Journey into Submission: The Piercing

"Oh god, oh god, oh god," Ruby chanted breathlessly.

'Music,' AJ thought. As always, her moans and whimpers filled him with a fierce delight, a deep satisfaction that she made this loving music when they fucked: a music to which AJ had rapidly become addicted.

Ruby lay under him, bound face down on a carpeted bench with her luscious ass high and open and ripe. His. Her face, flushed with arousal and heat, was turned partially away and screened by a fall of blonde hair. She moaned long and low in her throat.

Sometimes just the thought of her moans, the mere remembrance of her breathy 'oh god, oh god' was enough to make him hard. AJ groaned as he sheathed his cock again and again into the heated clasp of her soft flesh.

He leaned forward, pushing himself deeper as he bent to sweep aside her hair to nibble on the back of her neck: kneeling behind her, he savored the feeling of being sheathed in the sizzling embrace of her.

"I am home," he said.

"Ohhh," Ruby whimpered.

"You belong to me," AJ told her, entranced by the way her body clenched around him. "Feel how you cling to me," he whispered, stroking a loving hand over the curve of her ass. "Exquisite."

"Hot burning," Ruby panted.

"Mmmm," AJ agreed, biting the back of her neck, harder this time. "Feel how perfectly we fit."

His body wrapped closely around hers, skin-to-skin, his cock deep in her ass.

"You were made for this."

Ruby delighted him further by lifting her hips and pressing into him, as though trying to pull more of him in. AJ chuckled and flexed himself inside her.

"I dream of taking you like this," he said, thrusting...a long slow retreat and return. "Until you are liquid with heat, until you moan with need, until you beg me never to leave your body."

Ruby shuddered beneath him and gasped as his speed increased.

"Mine," he said with each thrust, "Mine. Mine. Mine."

He had already driven her to climax several times this evening and he knew by the spread of goosebumps up her back that she was close to coming again.

"Please," she whimpered, "oh Master, please."

AJ reveled in the gathering heat and power in his lower body as his own climax approached. Energy coiled tighter as he thrust, coiled hotter as his balls tightened.

"You may cum, baby."

He had barely uttered the words and she came with her loudest moan yet. Her body vibrated, locked around him vise-like. He loved it; loved the contractions that rippled outward from her pussy and ass, loved her pulse that raced and thundered there where they were joined. A few more deep thrusts and his cum steamed up from his balls, pulsed hotly along his cock and jetted from him in waves of intense pleasure as his body bucked and shuddered.

It was as though the energy had gathered and intensified as they fucked, waiting for its chance; waiting to make the leap, to complete the connection between male and female; waiting to claim this woman. It left AJ feeling spent, gloriously emptied and lighter than air.

<thanks Whispersecret! jewel>

 

[Charly]

500 word feedback

Strawberies For Dessert Ch 01
by Charly ©
Episode One

I could just hear them; saying good night in the foyer beneath our bedroom. Jody giggled quietly at one of George’s parting jokes and then fell silent. That silence would mark the goodnight kiss which sent George off to his wife and responsibilities. The heavy front door clunked solidly and then there followed the sound of glasses clinking into the dishwasher and the click of lights being turned off.

I smiled in the darkness, thinking over the evening reminiscing around our coffee table. We have been friends so long that the stories of adventures and misadventures could be numbered; we could just give the number and it would evoke a laugh. The habit of gathering around our big marble coffee table in three soft, comfortable barrel-shaped swivel chairs has become a comfortable ritual.

George and I have worked together for several years and we frequently stop for a drink after work; sometimes at a friendly bar and sometimes here at our house. Jody is always happy to have George visit. He is a natural salesman, talkative and empathetic, and they liked each other from their first meeting. After a few drinks, their mutual admiration becomes even more obvious.

“George, I adore you, you know that!” Jody slipped easily onto his lap and drew her feet up into the chair. She kissed his grinning lips and hugged him. “Don’t I always say that, Jack?”

“It does seem to me I’ve heard that before. Do you two want to be alone?”

This conversation had become a ritual, too; with me kidding the two of them and their feigning serious thought about the offer. Jody continued sitting curled up in his lap, being cuddled by her favorite “teddy-bear” of a friend who was also my best friend.

“Well, I’m off to bed, anyway. You’ve worn me out.”

I yawned heavily, picked up my shoes and headed up the stairs, leaving the two of them chatting in that comfortable embrace. I sometimes wonder if I am really offering them the opportunity for time alone when I go to bed early like this. It is slightly erotic to imagine them together; I admit that.

“Goodnight, hon.” Jody reached up to me for a goodnight kiss, but remained in George’s lap.

“Goodnight, Jack, see you in the morning. I have to get going too,” George sighed.

“I must be losing my allure.” Jody pouted. “Or are you two getting old?”

“Not bloody likely,” George reassured her in his best fake British accent.

“Well stay and have a nightcap with me.”

And so they had lingered in the candlelit room as I gave a tired wave from the balcony at the top of the stairs.

 

[Jacquioh]

Did Whispersecret tire of this task? Haven't seen any recent comments from her.