CelestialBody
Starlet of India
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Sick to my stomach
- Thread starter CelestialBody
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Calamity Jane
Reverend Blue Jeans
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Is it too late to take a step back?
If your culture is this important to you, and lying to everyone is affecting you so strongly, perhaps you need to examine your motives.
Why are you sleeping with this guy if it goes so strongly against what you believe? Is it because you want to, and it's worth the negativity, or because you feel that was the next logical step for your relationship if you wanted to keep him?
If it's not too late, I'd recommend you stop sleeping with him for awhile. Do some soul searching, and figure out whether the sex is worth the lies and the emotional roller coaster. You'll also know pretty quickly how important your culture is to him.
If your culture is this important to you, and lying to everyone is affecting you so strongly, perhaps you need to examine your motives.
Why are you sleeping with this guy if it goes so strongly against what you believe? Is it because you want to, and it's worth the negativity, or because you feel that was the next logical step for your relationship if you wanted to keep him?
If it's not too late, I'd recommend you stop sleeping with him for awhile. Do some soul searching, and figure out whether the sex is worth the lies and the emotional roller coaster. You'll also know pretty quickly how important your culture is to him.
sexy-girl
sacrilegious
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i dont know all the details of this
but you have to do what makes YOU happy ... trying to please people and making yourself miserable will in the end make the people your trying to please unhappy anyway
i wondered in my mind about telling my family i was gay i didnt know if it would make them freak but in the end that were just pleased that i was happy
i guess what im trying to say is maybe your mother wont like the truth ... but she wont like it if your unhappy either ... good luck with things
but you have to do what makes YOU happy ... trying to please people and making yourself miserable will in the end make the people your trying to please unhappy anyway
i wondered in my mind about telling my family i was gay i didnt know if it would make them freak but in the end that were just pleased that i was happy
i guess what im trying to say is maybe your mother wont like the truth ... but she wont like it if your unhappy either ... good luck with things
Problem Child
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I know it's tough, but maybe you should just tell your mother you are an adult now, and the details of your sex life are none of her business. If you stress the "adult" part, she'll probably get the hint.
Maybe you could ask her to help you through it instead of beating you over the head with it. If that fails, then stop returning her calls. It's been working for me for twenty years with one of my parents. The other one respects me.
Obviously your parent's idea of how a college-age person should behave is a little different from that of most American parents. The honesty thing might be too much for them to handle, but even if they go nutso for a while about it, it may take a lot of worry off your head and relieve the unnecessary stress in your life.
Maybe you could ask her to help you through it instead of beating you over the head with it. If that fails, then stop returning her calls. It's been working for me for twenty years with one of my parents. The other one respects me.
Obviously your parent's idea of how a college-age person should behave is a little different from that of most American parents. The honesty thing might be too much for them to handle, but even if they go nutso for a while about it, it may take a lot of worry off your head and relieve the unnecessary stress in your life.
Shy Tall Guy
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Re: Is it too late to take a step back?
I am more with PC on this one; sometimes you just have to tell people it is none of their business, and that they can accept you for who you are, or not - but to quit playing the guilt trip or go fuck off! Of course you wouldn't use such words with your parents - but you can let them know you are who you are and they will just have to accept that.
CB: I think the conflict here is having to tell them untruths and it sounds like at this point some people are suspecting the truth. Get it out in the open and you will probably feel better eventually - although the shit will hit the fan for a while, it is better to honest once it has become an issue.
I don't go advertising my sexual nature with my family, and to tell the truth they don't really want to know preferring to act like ostriches most of the time - but if they bugged me about it I would readily tell them that it was none of their business, anymore than I want to know, or should know what they are doing in their bedroom.
CB, I say this as a father of a daughter, you are a grown and mature woman now - what you do in your bedroom is you business, and you don't want anybody else's nose stuck through that door - tell them that in no uncertain terms.
I personally would be pissed if my parents told someon else what your parents seem to have told others! I know you love your parents - but sometimes they need to be told to mind their own business. It is part of the letting go process - if you don't do it now they may always be trying to control your life.
Feel free to ignore me butting in here with my advice if it is unwelcome, but that is what I feel.
I am not so sure about that advice; CB can correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think the problem is her conflicts with her culture, but her culture's conflicts with her. I get the impression that she was quite happy in her life wit hher boyfriend and comfortable with what she is experiencing - but now people are getting down on her for it.pagancowgirl said:
I am more with PC on this one; sometimes you just have to tell people it is none of their business, and that they can accept you for who you are, or not - but to quit playing the guilt trip or go fuck off! Of course you wouldn't use such words with your parents - but you can let them know you are who you are and they will just have to accept that.
CB: I think the conflict here is having to tell them untruths and it sounds like at this point some people are suspecting the truth. Get it out in the open and you will probably feel better eventually - although the shit will hit the fan for a while, it is better to honest once it has become an issue.
I don't go advertising my sexual nature with my family, and to tell the truth they don't really want to know preferring to act like ostriches most of the time - but if they bugged me about it I would readily tell them that it was none of their business, anymore than I want to know, or should know what they are doing in their bedroom.
CB, I say this as a father of a daughter, you are a grown and mature woman now - what you do in your bedroom is you business, and you don't want anybody else's nose stuck through that door - tell them that in no uncertain terms.
I personally would be pissed if my parents told someon else what your parents seem to have told others! I know you love your parents - but sometimes they need to be told to mind their own business. It is part of the letting go process - if you don't do it now they may always be trying to control your life.
Feel free to ignore me butting in here with my advice if it is unwelcome, but that is what I feel.
CelestialBody
Starlet of India
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CelestialBody
Starlet of India
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Shy Tall Guy
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Telling someone to mind their own business is not tantamount to telling them you are having pre-marital sex - it is telling them to mind their own business. You don't have to tell them every detail of your life.CelestialBody said:
Being independant is part of the growing up process, and it sound like your family is more worried about themselves than about you. Sorry if that sounds harsh - but if people were truly concerned about you, then usually they would put your happiness before theirs. It is your life after all - not theirs. There comes a time when parents and others muct learn to accept that.
When you are out on your own is well after that time. It was a shock and a huge concern for me when I found out my daughter was sexually active, especially since she was at the time just a teenager. But I kept my nose out of it because her mother and I had done our best to convey our values and she knew how to be safe. I was more concerned in her choice of boyfriends than I was in her choice to have sex.
She is now happily married and as soon as possible wants to give me grandchildren. I mostly keep my nose out of their affairs and only offer advice when they ask for it, but always support for whatever decisions they make.
It seems to me that you have a number of choices:
1) Tell your family "thanks but no thanks", I don't need your nose in my business or your guilt trips. This doesn't mean I am having premarital sex, it just means I am sick and tired of everybody knowing every nuance of my life - and now the door to that part of my life is shut and locked. Do not ask me anymore questions and make no more comments or risk total shutout.
^^ This is what I would do and sitck to it no matter what. Being truthful with your family doesn't mean you have to volunteer everything, and this is not being dishonest - just self-assertive. Stand up for your rights and let them know you won't back down. It is your life after all.
2) Tell your family the truth and let the chips fall where they may. There may be a hell of a fall out, but what other people feel is their own doing for the most part. I've been there and done that too - not fun, but it works.
3) Keep on lying to them and keep on feeling the way you are now. Maybe eventually you will get more used to it, but it will always bug you and have a deletrious effect on your life and relationships.
4) Stop having sex with your boyfriend. To me, once you have let that horse out of the barn there is no putting it back - especially since, absent your family's guilt trips, you seem fine with the way things are now. It could be done, but there will be a cost to pay both in your relationship and your life. What it will cost your relationship I don't know, what it will cost you in your life - well I can venture to say that you will regret letting other people control you this way.
5) Break off the relationship - which will result in much the same consequences, only worse.
Saturn Return
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I really feel for you, CelestialBody.. This obviously, is just one girlās opinion...but it might help just to see a variety of perspectives and angles.
Sometimes parents canāt believe their children grow up different from themā¦as if their children are mere extensions of themselves and should behave accordingly.
If you were to propose that you and B were going to get married (just a hypothesis) would they be happy? Would they rather see you hurry in a marriage and marry a virgin than to wait your time?
Have they met him? Maybe if they knew what a sensitive man and caring man you found whom loves you whether you are expressing it physically or not..they may feel better about your wellbeing.
If your mother is having family memberās call youā¦donāt you think your father might know something of the situation? Most likely he knows and is keeping his nose out of it. If this is the case, maybe it might help to talk to your father about the pressure your mother has put you under to adhere to her rules.
And really..you having sex wonāt destroy your family as your sister put it. Your family is indeed close and there is no way you doing something with your grown body behind closed doors would topple that foundation.
The younger girls in your family do not ever need to ever know that you are in a sexual relationship. Though I must say; a few will do exactly what you are doing whether they ever know about you or not.
Imho....the heavy trip your mom is putting on you is by far a worse 'sin'...than anything you and your man do to show love towards the other.
Sometimes parents canāt believe their children grow up different from themā¦as if their children are mere extensions of themselves and should behave accordingly.
If you were to propose that you and B were going to get married (just a hypothesis) would they be happy? Would they rather see you hurry in a marriage and marry a virgin than to wait your time?
Have they met him? Maybe if they knew what a sensitive man and caring man you found whom loves you whether you are expressing it physically or not..they may feel better about your wellbeing.
If your mother is having family memberās call youā¦donāt you think your father might know something of the situation? Most likely he knows and is keeping his nose out of it. If this is the case, maybe it might help to talk to your father about the pressure your mother has put you under to adhere to her rules.
And really..you having sex wonāt destroy your family as your sister put it. Your family is indeed close and there is no way you doing something with your grown body behind closed doors would topple that foundation.
The younger girls in your family do not ever need to ever know that you are in a sexual relationship. Though I must say; a few will do exactly what you are doing whether they ever know about you or not.
Imho....the heavy trip your mom is putting on you is by far a worse 'sin'...than anything you and your man do to show love towards the other.
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Shy Tall Guy
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Agreed - as long as you don't flaunt it nobdy ever need know. However, I think that it won't be that simple; the way it sounds, CB's mother is letting other's know what she thinks is going on, and she won't keep it to herself.Saturn Return said:
Like I said - I would be wholly pissed!
I also said that the horse can't be put back into the barn; the mother suspects and is telling others who also suspect. CB has had sex and she can't undo that. Whatever she does now, her mother will always suspect she had sex, and since she seems to be enlisting others in the family to come to her aid, it is now an open "secret".
The secret is out and nobody is admitting that it is true - it is too late now. I think the best thing CB can do is admit this to herself, stand up for her rights as a grown woman and tell people to butt out. Then thereafter refuse to discuss such subjects. Be strong, be firm, be consistant. This doesn't mean that she is admitting to having sex - it means she is asserting her rights to have a private life, whether she has sex or not.
Admittedly I do not know all the dynamics and details, but that is my take on it. Just the same - I should probably butt out now before I do more harm.
shadowsource
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it's too late to "solve" it.
You've already moved ahead, out of your home culture, and into the American Way. People that suspect you have slept with a man are implying that you are responsible for anything that goes wrong in the family. Your mother is blabbing to everyone.
So STG is right: You have to refuse to discuss it. They are effectively demanding that you DENY REALITY. Out of respect for them, you do not wish to do so. But they are strong-arming you to pretend to honor their strictures. They want you to bend so that they can continue to assert their traditional morality over the other girls in your family.
In a happy story, you would tell the truth, find out that they love you anyway, and all of your siblings and cousins would be free to pursue their liberty and happiness. But this is not such a happy story, so you should just insist on your privacy, refuse to discuss anything, and hold out til they get over it. They're playing with fire in that any public admission that you had sex would affect all the other girls. Try to hold tight. Good luck, CB.
You've already moved ahead, out of your home culture, and into the American Way. People that suspect you have slept with a man are implying that you are responsible for anything that goes wrong in the family. Your mother is blabbing to everyone.
So STG is right: You have to refuse to discuss it. They are effectively demanding that you DENY REALITY. Out of respect for them, you do not wish to do so. But they are strong-arming you to pretend to honor their strictures. They want you to bend so that they can continue to assert their traditional morality over the other girls in your family.
In a happy story, you would tell the truth, find out that they love you anyway, and all of your siblings and cousins would be free to pursue their liberty and happiness. But this is not such a happy story, so you should just insist on your privacy, refuse to discuss anything, and hold out til they get over it. They're playing with fire in that any public admission that you had sex would affect all the other girls. Try to hold tight. Good luck, CB.
KillerMuffin
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I'm familiar with this problem. My mother is from Mexico. I am an American. America is my culture as well as whatever Mexican culture I got from my mother. I assume that she immigrated and you were either born here or spent so much of your life here that you may as well have been.
You're having a culture clash inside of yourself right now. You are an American who values your Indian heritage. Your mother is an Indian who does NOT value your American heritage. She probably does not even recognize that you have are an American. To her, you're Indian and therefore you must act and behave as an Indian would. I'm willing to bet that the concept of American is completely alien and unacceptable to her beyond whatever she gets from it.
Your sister and mother are trying to control you and manipulate you into living your life they way they think you should. "If you ever wanted to tear this family apart, sleeping with that guy would do it."
As much as you love and respect your parents, you are not responsible for how they behave and how they feel. If they love love and respect you, then they must realize that you are American. You are not in India and you cannot live like you would if you were in India. Until then, you'll have conflicts.
Lies are not the way to handle them, either. They hurt more then they help.
What is the worst thing that would happen if you came clean with the truth? Would your parents stop loving you? Cut you off from the family? Ostracize you? Would they eventually get over it and accept you for who you are? Or would it be better to just have your relationship with your man and leave off the sex for a while? You can do that you know. If he won't respect your culture and your family's ideals enough to not have sex with you, then is he the man for you?
Another question... What's their take on your relationship with a non-Indian man? Do they expect you to leave him and marry a good Indian boy? Do they expect an arranged marriage? What do they expect from you?
You've gone slightly beyond a normal relationship speed-bump in the road here. It's something that's going to be very difficult for you to navigate and someone is going to get hurt when you finally do cross it. This may happen before you're ready for it. My suggestion would be to find a counselor. Particularly an Indian counselor whose familiar with that culture and what it means to be the American-Indian child of Indian-Indian parents. You will need some serious help navigating this one, sugar. And no one should have to go through this alone.
You're having a culture clash inside of yourself right now. You are an American who values your Indian heritage. Your mother is an Indian who does NOT value your American heritage. She probably does not even recognize that you have are an American. To her, you're Indian and therefore you must act and behave as an Indian would. I'm willing to bet that the concept of American is completely alien and unacceptable to her beyond whatever she gets from it.
Your sister and mother are trying to control you and manipulate you into living your life they way they think you should. "If you ever wanted to tear this family apart, sleeping with that guy would do it."
As much as you love and respect your parents, you are not responsible for how they behave and how they feel. If they love love and respect you, then they must realize that you are American. You are not in India and you cannot live like you would if you were in India. Until then, you'll have conflicts.
Lies are not the way to handle them, either. They hurt more then they help.
What is the worst thing that would happen if you came clean with the truth? Would your parents stop loving you? Cut you off from the family? Ostracize you? Would they eventually get over it and accept you for who you are? Or would it be better to just have your relationship with your man and leave off the sex for a while? You can do that you know. If he won't respect your culture and your family's ideals enough to not have sex with you, then is he the man for you?
Another question... What's their take on your relationship with a non-Indian man? Do they expect you to leave him and marry a good Indian boy? Do they expect an arranged marriage? What do they expect from you?
You've gone slightly beyond a normal relationship speed-bump in the road here. It's something that's going to be very difficult for you to navigate and someone is going to get hurt when you finally do cross it. This may happen before you're ready for it. My suggestion would be to find a counselor. Particularly an Indian counselor whose familiar with that culture and what it means to be the American-Indian child of Indian-Indian parents. You will need some serious help navigating this one, sugar. And no one should have to go through this alone.
YogiBare
Not Your Average Bare
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You're doing just fine, CB
I know that you're feeling confused and are hurting a lot. It feels like hell to have to chose between what feels like disappointing your family, your boyfriend, and yourself. The truth is, though, that you are in a really good place. And that you will come through this crisis in an even better one.
We all continue to grow emotionally throughout our lifetimes (no big surprise here!) There are predictable crises at different stages of life that provoke the growth that is necessary at that particular stage. (These were originally identified by psychologist Erik Erikson.) Some of the age-appropriate developmental tasks you are facing (as per Erikson) are autonomy in relation to parents, establishment of sex role identity, and the internalization of morality. You will come out of this situation with a deeper commitment to yourself, to your values, and to your choices. And it will become more comfortable for you to live your life as you wish to create it in the future. When I was in college I had to learn to stand up to my parents by telling them that if they did not accept my girlfriend of a different religion that they would risk losing their relationship with me. A year later my mother was offering to help me shop for a double bed for my girlfriend's and my new apartment!
Another very natural thing that is happening within your family is something that happens in families of all cultures who immigrate to the US. The first couple of generations ALWAYS move away from the culture of the "old country" as they become more American. Later generations will revert back somewhat, in claiming their heritage. However, your younger cousins will shock the family by making choices even more radical than the one you have made. They will probably shock even you! Don't feel responsible!!!!!
Celestial, I hope that this doesn't come off as being insensitive intellectualizing by a newby on the board. I hope that it might help you to deal with the situation (and not hurt as much) if you know that what you are experiencing is normal and healthy. Also, it might make your choices just a bit easier.
Hugs,
YB
I know that you're feeling confused and are hurting a lot. It feels like hell to have to chose between what feels like disappointing your family, your boyfriend, and yourself. The truth is, though, that you are in a really good place. And that you will come through this crisis in an even better one.
We all continue to grow emotionally throughout our lifetimes (no big surprise here!) There are predictable crises at different stages of life that provoke the growth that is necessary at that particular stage. (These were originally identified by psychologist Erik Erikson.) Some of the age-appropriate developmental tasks you are facing (as per Erikson) are autonomy in relation to parents, establishment of sex role identity, and the internalization of morality. You will come out of this situation with a deeper commitment to yourself, to your values, and to your choices. And it will become more comfortable for you to live your life as you wish to create it in the future. When I was in college I had to learn to stand up to my parents by telling them that if they did not accept my girlfriend of a different religion that they would risk losing their relationship with me. A year later my mother was offering to help me shop for a double bed for my girlfriend's and my new apartment!
Another very natural thing that is happening within your family is something that happens in families of all cultures who immigrate to the US. The first couple of generations ALWAYS move away from the culture of the "old country" as they become more American. Later generations will revert back somewhat, in claiming their heritage. However, your younger cousins will shock the family by making choices even more radical than the one you have made. They will probably shock even you! Don't feel responsible!!!!!
Celestial, I hope that this doesn't come off as being insensitive intellectualizing by a newby on the board. I hope that it might help you to deal with the situation (and not hurt as much) if you know that what you are experiencing is normal and healthy. Also, it might make your choices just a bit easier.
Hugs,
YB
Azwed
Invading Poland
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Well I can tell you my situation and how I handled it. My mom was raised as a strict southenr baptist. Premarital sex is not allowed in her mind. I first had sex when I was a senior in HS and not long after that my mom asked me point blank if I was having sex with my gf. We were at dinner and I just said yes I was. She was not happy but she realized that I was an adult and would make my own decisions. She has had a hard time letting go, but finally after three years she has mostly let go. You may just have to bite the bullet and tell your mom what is going on.
I do have one question though. Is your mother more upset that she thinks that you are having sex or that you are in a relationship with a non-Indian?
I do have one question though. Is your mother more upset that she thinks that you are having sex or that you are in a relationship with a non-Indian?
Harbinger
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CelestialBody
I really sympathize with what you must be going through. I know it can't be easy. I would like to pass on two things.
Growth is painful. It sounds like you may be on the brink of a big step, and it will be difficult at times, but getting through the hard places is often what makes us grow as individuals. One day this will all be behind you, and it's far better to look back on how you pushed through a rough patch than to realize you are still there because you tried to avoid it. We usually find out we are stronger than we realized.
It's your right as an individual to live the way you choose, even if the people that love you see it otherwise. You deserve nothing less.
I'm sure there is so much support for you here, and so many people with wiser insights than mine, but I wanted to offer support, too.
I really sympathize with what you must be going through. I know it can't be easy. I would like to pass on two things.
Growth is painful. It sounds like you may be on the brink of a big step, and it will be difficult at times, but getting through the hard places is often what makes us grow as individuals. One day this will all be behind you, and it's far better to look back on how you pushed through a rough patch than to realize you are still there because you tried to avoid it. We usually find out we are stronger than we realized.
It's your right as an individual to live the way you choose, even if the people that love you see it otherwise. You deserve nothing less.
I'm sure there is so much support for you here, and so many people with wiser insights than mine, but I wanted to offer support, too.
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Hahahahahahah
Mischka
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I've had yayati on ignore for a while now, and I must say that it's been a wonderful experience. I can still read everyone's reaction to his filth without being exposed to it directly.
But on this thread I feel the need to comment on his predictable hate speech, even if I don't know the actual words. Yayati, CB is going through a painful time in her life. Try exhibiting human compassion for once in your pathetic life and delete your post. Your blackened heart is not welcome.
And since I know you won't actually exhibit a shred of deceny, I next hope that you will meet with an unfortunate accident that will render you unable to infect another generation with your pathetic ideas.
But on this thread I feel the need to comment on his predictable hate speech, even if I don't know the actual words. Yayati, CB is going through a painful time in her life. Try exhibiting human compassion for once in your pathetic life and delete your post. Your blackened heart is not welcome.
And since I know you won't actually exhibit a shred of deceny, I next hope that you will meet with an unfortunate accident that will render you unable to infect another generation with your pathetic ideas.
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CelestialBody
Starlet of India
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Shy Tall Guy
Literotica Guru
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Don't feed the trolls and don't treat someone like yayati like he has a thread of decency in him - if he did, he wouldn't have posted what he did in the first place. There is not a shred of hope that such a person would retract his crap and appealing to his better side infers that he has one.Mischka said:
There you go - that is a step in the right direction.
But it would be better yet to ignore him altogether and then when everybody does he won't post here anymore; the only joy such pitiful excuses for a person gets is any kind of attention to his posts - when that stops happening then he will go looking elsewhere for something to ameliorate his miserable existance.
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Indians are traitorous backstabbers
