Sick burn, insults, sarcasm...

[lovecraft68]

A little offshoot of the Just one Line thread. I grew up with sarcasm being an artform and insults a sign of affection. Hence my stories tend to feature some snark between the characters, and I doubt I'm the only one, so let's hear some of your characters best zingers.

 

[lovecraft68]

I'll kick it off with this example.


“She’s right, Sylvia chimed in, just as Erin knew she would. “Be honest, when was the last time you had to hold your breath and swallow?”
“The last time you invited me over for dinner," Erin retorted.

 

[lovecraft68]

"I can pay for my own drink," Kendra flipped a ten at Ken. "How's that for role reversal, a woman throwing money at you?"

 

[MrPixel]

Will this work?

"Then get your fuckin' dick out of me. You got your notch. Time to move on. Cyan?" as she prompts my wife for napkins.

 

[MrPixel]

Another:

"Impressive cock, Darren. Uncuts are nice to have. But you're an ass. Fuck me anyway," as she bends over a table.

One of the main characters in this particular story is a high-powered female lawyer. She doesn't tolerate much shit and is quite quick on the draw with the snark.

 

[BiscuitHammer]

"How's his dick game? Well... y'ever order a six-piece McNuggets and only get four?"

- Jeanie

 

[MelissaBaby]

A few from The Gold Dollar Girls



“What’s with that thing you do with your hair?” Roxanne asked her, “That ponytail that comes straight up on the top? You look like one of those dancing horses.”

“Fuck you, four eyes,” Clover said. “They should call you Roxy the flying squirrel.”

“Yeah, okay, Bullwinkle.”

“Bitch, want to watch me pull a rabbit out of your ass?”

****

Clover sat, looked in the mirror and wiped off her lipstick. “Hey, a customer tonight told me I was zaftig,” she said.

“You know that’s the German word for fat, right?” Roxanne said.

“It is not. It means volumptuous.”

“No it doesn’t. Volumptuous isn’t even a real word.”

“It’s Yiddish.” Misty said, “And it means more like plump, buxom.”

“Fat,” Roxanne muttered.

Misty nodded, “Yeah, pretty much.”

Clover held up both of her middle fingers. “Well, here are three words in English. Fuck you bitches.”

****

“Hey, you know something I don’t understand?”

“I know a lot of things you don’t understand,” Roxanne said.

****

“She thinks hard ons were her invention.”

****

Clover slurped her coffee.

“Jesus, you’re loud,” Roxanne said, “Is that what you sound like when you suck cock?”

“Bring your new boyfriend around and find out,” Clover replied.

 

[RetroFan]

From 'Trailer Trash Teen Hates Rules':

Trashy trailer park girl Breanna sticks her hand down her panties and then shoves her fingers into the face of Davo, a brash, womanizing Australian traveller:

Breanna: Bet you've never been anywhere that smelled like that before, Aussie?
Davo: You mean a fish market?

 

[XerXesXu]

WIP.

‘Your father speaks Chinese like a Temple Street whore,’ said Chairman Mu.
‘Oh … Of course I’ve heard of those girls,' replied Augusta, in her impeccable Guangzhou dialect, ‘But … how do you know … how those girls … speak?'

 

[shakna]

She wrapped it around herself, and looked back, "Stay. Good boyfriend."

"Oi! I'm not a dog!" Corey called after her.

She laughed from the other room, "Nope, but I'm a bitch!"

 

[SimonDoom]

Probably, the closest I came to this was in my story BTB, Incorporated, which was a cheating wife/Mickey Spillane spoof.

One passage:

"Yes, Myron, you were right. Your wife is having an affair."

"Oh God!" he cried and his mouth opened wide and let out a sob. I wanted to stuff the red paperweight, sitting on my desk and shaped like a '66 Mustang convertible, into that big open mouth, but I didn't.

"It's Wilson, isn't it?" he asked. "Goddamn Wilson. My project manager, beside me all these years. He always had an eye for Svetlana. I could tell. Was it him?"

"Myron, listen to me," I said to him. It was rough for him; I knew that. He was a contemptible, spineless little shit, but he was my client. He had rough news coming to him, and it was my job to make it go down without him heaving it back up all over my Pledge-shined mahogany desktop.

 

[Winter_Fare]

Current project

"Stick your fingers down your throat"
"Why? Will it help?"
"It'll shut you up long enough for me to think of something."

 

[Kumquatqueen]

"A woman should be a slut at home. As long as she is respectable outside, like our Emily," Marion sniffed.
"Like you'd know about respectable," Dev laughed at her.

Or
Dave: "Laura always gets gloomy this time of year anyway, so I booked us a long weekend to Barcelona, next week."
...
"Warm weather and sunshine," I lament. ...

"Should take you, you delicate hothouse flower."

Laura coughs into her drink at Dan's sarcastic endearment.

"I'm not having Adrian in the same city at the same time," Dave says firmly. "Book your dirty weekend somewhere else."

Reading through a bunch of my stories, it looks like my sarcasm is a diffuse running thread which would need a few paragraphs posted to get the jokes - not many snarky retorts that make sense out of context. Interesting.

 

[MrPixel]

... Reading through a bunch of my stories, it looks like my sarcasm is a diffuse running thread which would need a few paragraphs posted to get the jokes - not many snarky retorts that make sense out of context. Interesting.

I'm having a similar issue. The lawyer character I mentioned above makes a game out of snarky exchanges with the protagonist throughout the story line. Narration mentions that the digs and insults are just as an important element of their lovemaking as is their physical relationship.

 

[JuanaSalsa]

I love banter, snark, and sarcasm. Great examples from everyone!

Here's some from my stories.

---
From Jumbo Jim's Junior Johnson:

"If you don't get out of that cold water, your penis is going to shrink!" Tina teased him.
"Oh, do you think that's my problem? Maybe my mom bathed me in cold water as a baby?" Junior laughed as he finally got out of the shower and turned off the water.

---
From A Kinky Engineer's Romance

David looked me up and down, "I suppose Suzie does have questionable taste in men," he finally said.
I rolled my eyes, "I know that I got lucky. I would like to stay that way. So will you help?"

---
From my Geek Pride story, Auto-Correct: The Truth in the Typo (not out yet):

"You're pretty hot for an old guy," I said, kissing his clavicle.
"I feel vaguely offended by that," Marco mused.
"Maybe I can help you recover from the affront?"

And another conversation:
"Sleep when you're dead, old man."
"Bring me my coffee, woman."
Liz smiled sweetly, and for once, did as she was told. I frowned at her suspiciously.

---
Here's a longer exchange of banter from a story I am working on now, untitled so far:

"I am glad to see you here today, hobbit," Fwin said, "I was worried that I'd missed your visit."
"You miss nothing, mage," I laughed.
"Neither do you," Fwin returned, his voice softly mocking.
"Has it been so boring today?"
"It has been just the usual here, boasting and bragging and nothing of substance said."
"Of anyone here, you are the one who lacks substance," I teased.
"Believe me, I wish I could be there in the flesh," Fwin sighed.
"You are hard enough to look at now. I can only imagine how horrifying you'd be in person," I replied lightly, laughing.
"I assure you that I am quite easy on the eyes."
"Easy like a two-penny whore," I quipped.
Fwin chuckled, "Not quite."
"Anyway, you distracted me. I was following my nose to Burgg," I chided him.
"By all means, I wouldn't dream of taking any attention away from the pigman, he surely needs it more than I do."
I waved a hand through Fwin's shadow and his image wavered in the air, "Jealousy doesn't become you, Shadowboy."

 

[lovecraft68]

Over the years I've gotten a lot of props for my dialogue, that my characters sound like 'real people'. Especially when it comes to brother/sister stories(my personal favs to read and write) with how realistic the bickering is.

Example:

“Okay, okay!” Nathan looked even more flustered than he had before, and Zoey knew exactly why. “I get it.”
“No, you’ve never gotten it,” she teased with what she knew was a much more sensitive topic than his favorite porn sites. “Maybe that’s part of the problem.”
“Sorry I’m not easy like you,” he countered. “Maybe I’m waiting for someone special and not just looking for fun.”
“Mad props for saying that with a straight face, you’d stick it in the crack of dawn if you could.”
“Sis has jokes,” he muttered.

 

[MadeleineSinha]

In one of my stories Nicola does use the phrase "Fuck off you bog trotting shite" to her Irish flatmate.
Is that too subtle for this list?

 

[Kumquatqueen]

In one of my stories Nicola does use the phrase "Fuck off you bog trotting shite" to her Irish flatmate.
Is that too subtle for this list?

Subtle as a sledgehammer, aye.

This has our narrator (grew up in Republican NI) with his new man (ex-British Army, served in NI), having tried a roleplay, hit too many traumatic buttons, finally got rid of the army uniform and are having sex anyway. Tesco is the UK's largest supermarket chain:

I can see his camouflage-pattern legs and it's a total taboo combination. Soldier and the local faggot, him ditching all his rules and regulations, me luring him to the queer side.

Hotter than fuck.

"Ride me harder, Army boy!"

He uses both hands to hold my shoulders down and growls in my ear, "I give the orders, you Irish nancy shite!" He does step it up, so I figure he can call me what he likes. Except British.

"Eh, shut yon bake, ya quare aul slabber!"

"Ooh, cheeky!"

"Wind it in, ya turd-packin' gobshite!"

He mocks my accent, sounding like a piss-taking schoolkid: "I'll shut my gob the day you shut ya hoop! Only we all know yer hole's more twenty-four seven than Tesco's..."

I can't help laughing at that. I mean, technically hoop means hole, arsehole, but it's the kind of phrase your annoyed mum or big sister says. Good comeback calling me a slut, though.

"Aye, you and your ma are me best customers!"

He loses it too. We both end up on the floor. And keep laughing when we realise what I should have retorted: Tesco's slogan, "Every little helps!"

"You know, I did love the Irish way with words."

"Must have been an interesting subset of the language you got, the heckling. 'Wind yer neck in, Army!' 'Ya thick as manure but only half as useful!'"

"Oi! That was a rare compliment!"

 

[lovecraft68]

“All stereotypes have some truth to them.” Erin told her. “Italians love to cook and eat, Irish people like to drink,” she shrugged. “People named Kim have poles up their asses.”

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

"Not Interested in your virginal 'Immaculate conception' girlfriends with their knees welded together; I want a girl who'll trip me up and be under me before I hit the floor..."

*
"That's my girl, well done, Iz! For a second there, I really thought you were just going to hand it over! Did you really think I was going to blackmail you into bed? God, what must you think of me? Just remember one thing, and paste it into that pointy little pin-head skull and behind low forehead of yours: not all us guys are like those pox-jockeys you call boyfriends!"

*
"You'll never get anywhere with Unshaggable Shulagh, you do know that, right?" grinned Izzy, "She's saving herself for her wedding night; you'd have been better-off taking-on her big sister; the way Bridie Devlin puts it about, they're going to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin. From what I hear, Shulagh's on the new Catholic contraceptive pill; you don't swallow it; you just hold it tightly between your knees. She's stupid, too; I heard her mother tried to put her on the regular pill but every time she stood up, it fell out..."

"You do realise that if you want to fuck her, you're going to need a permission slip from the Vatican, and a note from baby Jesus saying he'll forgive her afterwards, signed by God in triplicate? Just saying..."

Ollie grinned at that.

"Yeah, I heard that; right now you can't pry her knees apart with a pair of tow-trucks! Who am I kidding? She's never going to give it up; I can see her headstone, eighty years from now; the inscription reads 'Shulagh Devlin: Returned Unopened'..."

*
"Look, either you do it, or I get one of those knuckle-dragging, mental dwarves you hang around with to do it. Did you know, when you're not around, all they talk about is how much of a MILF she is? They go on about how they'd like to fuck her, what they'd do to her, how often, blah-blah-blah, but frankly, if they tried to wipe their arses, nine times out of ten they'd miss, so that leaves you, and I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, the brains of the outfit!"

*
We need someone to fill the void, so to speak, and while Moxie's built like a bull, he's hung like a hamster; either all that stuff about black guys is just not true, or the steroid abuse has finally got to him. The rest of your mates are all talk; I know the desperate skankzillas they've been with, so I know they're all single-shot, one-and-done spazzes; she'd suck 'em dry and spit out the bones, which leaves you, matey-boy."

 

[Lifestyle66]

A little offshoot of the Just one Line thread. I grew up with sarcasm being an artform and insults a sign of affection. Hence my stories tend to feature some snark between the characters, and I doubt I'm the only one, so let's hear some of your characters best zingers.

My favorite sarcasm/insults comes from my wife and is in all of my stories.

I help her open a martini shaker she's struggling with.
When I open it, she'll say: "Now that you have it open, I'll have a martini." as she walks away.
"Bitch!"
In her loving tone as she responds over her shoulder: "But I'm YOUR bitch!"

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Hubby zingers:

My asshole older brother had the f*cking nerve to ask Will what his intentions toward me were. Will replied "Alas, strictly dishonorable, but she's going to love every second of it! Have to run, we have a motel room booked, and they're charging me by the hour!" Cue onset stroke symptoms...

*
We were in Paris Gare Du Nord railway station, waiting in line at customs after arriving on the Eurostar from England. The line was being held up because the officious French Douane officer was harrassing an elderly Englishman who Will had spoken to and shaken hands with on the train after seeing he was wearing his medals, obviously arriving in Paris for the D-Day memorial service at Dunkirk.

The old man was fumbling around for his passport and the customs officer sneered in French "you would think these English would know enough to have their papers ready when they arrive here." The man was in his late 80's or so, and travelling alone, so I thought he was doing OK, considering.

The elderly man tried to lighten the mood by commenting that the last time he'd come to France he hadn't needed to show his papers, and the French guy sneered 'That can't be true, don't tell lies, so when was that, then?"

The elderly gentlman never batted an eyelid.

"6th of June, 1944, at Dunkirk. I had my passport with me when I came ashore, but you know what? There wasn't a single Frenchman around anywhere to show it to..."

*

Commenting on his cousin Freddie:

"The man's a half-wit, and that's being generous; mind you, compared to the rest of his family, he's probably the gifted one..."

He's hung like a donkey; unfortunately, the poor man also looks like one; he's who the Gimp mask was invented for. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away...

His sister once asked me out; I had to politely decline, I don't believe in cross-species romances...

On Boris Johnson:
"Every so often I think I'd like to give him a good arse-kicking, but then I remember he has to look in the mirror every morning and realize he's already being punished..."

*

"You never met my mother; she could make yogurt just by looking at a carton of milk. She was born with 'resting bitch face', that was just her everyday face; her actual bitch face would make a hyena spontaneously molt..."

 

[PoisonPen33]

"Ladies and gentlemen, Sadie Bedford, Emerald Pines' answer to the question 'how many licks?'"

 

[LexxRuthless]

My latest series is told in first person. In the final act, I'm contemplating having the narrator break the fourth wall and go after some of the readers who have left critical comments.

"I know some of you assholes are reading this and thinking, 'Oh, how lucky. Now he gets to have his Mommy all to himself after fucking half the school.' Well, you can go fuck yourselves. If I could go back in time and live a life of complete chastity, just to get my father back, I'd do it without a second thought and never regret it one second. My dad was the most awesome person I ever met in my life."

 

[lovecraft68]

"Ladies and gentlemen, Sadie Bedford, Emerald Pines' answer to the question 'how many licks?'"

I like that one.