Shred my story, shred me all you want.

[snake307]

Friends, I have recently started writing, and my first story has been accepted and posted on the site. It's in the romance catagory, and I'm interested to hear how I can make my writing better, improve myself so to speak.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=314880

I have thick skin, so don't worry about hurting my feelings. I haven't really been insulted since grade school.

Thanks for all your comments in advance.

 

[Tribade]

No shreding

I haven't read your story ( I will when time allows ) but noone should shred any writer or their work. If there are faults, and God knows anyone who tries to write has faults, the correct response from the forum should be CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I've also had one story published, one rejected, and one pending. If someone tells me they didn't like my tale and points out how I could have made it better I've no complaints. If someone mails and says my story was crap end of mail I just ignore them. I'd advise you to do the same, listen to advice and ignore any bitter comments.

 

[tickledkitty]

No shredding here. I think it's a sweet story, and you seem like a sensitive person. The writing could use some work, but you already know that. Find another author you trust or use one of the volunteer editors. You've made a good start.

 

[snake307]

Thanks Tribade

I was in the Army long ago, and had the fortune of serving under a British Sergeant in an exchange program, he took over a platoon of American Soldiers. I wasn't in his platoon, but was attached to that platoon many times during the next two years he was here.

On one occasion, we were doing a training exercise, a graded exersise and we screwed it up terribly. If there was a mistake we could have made but didn't, I don't know what it was.

After the exercise, the officers took their time extolling our motivation, and our determination to drive on despite the setbacks. When they finished, the British Sergeant stood up after being recognized by the Brigade Commander, and said "Lads, now that the officers are done blowing smoke up our asses, we can discuss our mistakes. Sometimes you find you are screwing the pooch, and nothing can undo that fact." Then this Sergeant began listing our many faults and mistakes, some of which he intemated were probably genetic or due to our parents marital status at the time of our birth.

Honestly, I felt better about the deal, I was seriously wondering if the officers had seen the same situation I had. The next time we did the exercise, a month later, we did it right.

Oh, this British Sergeant also said the most impressive sentance I have ever heard uttered. When he looked at something that had broken and was now completely ruined. He literally said "Well fuck, the fucking fucker is fucking well fucked." I don't believe anyone could have summed up the situation any better than that.

For our friends in England, who sent this man to us so very long ago, it was under PM Thatcher, if that gives you an idea. Thank You, he made a big impression on me, and I haven't forgotten him or his lessons.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Not a bad story, especially for a first timer. I did see a few things that made me stumble. Your dialogue could have used some work. And you don't know how to use an elipsis. Example - The line that caught me I can't find right now but went something like - " '...and.' I was not able to finish." You ended the sentence with a conjunction (?) What you should have used is the elipisis instead of a period and forgotten the next sentence entirely. That tells the reader you didn't finish.

For the most part, interesting. Keep it up.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I thought the premise of your story was good, just not well executed. There seemed to be a lot of extraneous text that could have been cut out, and I think it would have made the story tighter.

I'm personally not a big fan of editors, but I think you could have used one on this story.

It's a worthy first attempt, and I found the story engaging.

Here's a few things I noticed.

I had only worked there three months, and knew I hadn't fit in. I was too strange for them. I didn't care about sports, could care less about politics, or celebrity who is sleeping with who nonsense. I worked there, with them, and her.

Why does this make him strange? It sounds a lot like me.

I was a truck driver, we worked at a warehouse, and I drove the truck that backed the trailers to the doors, and pulled the trailers out when they were loaded, or unloaded, as required. I spent a lot of time just hanging around, but was tolerated because I could hit even the tough to access doors on the first try. So no time lost waiting for the driver to get his act together.

I don't quite understand the tolerated comment. I think the last sentence could be deleted.

I chatted while I ate my sandwich, talking about the weather, we were in a drought in Georgia, and that subject was summed up in a minute.

After I had been babbling on with small talk for about 15 minutes, Julie looked up at me and I was astonished to see anger in her eye. She was angry. She was mad at me.

You could have added some dialog in here to show what he was talking about. Don't use numbers where you can use words.

I finished the day, expecting to be called into the office and informed that I didn't work there anymore. Well, I've been fired before, and for better reasons than trying to be nice to someone. I wasn't called into the office, and punched the clock as I left for the day.

Why did he think he was going to be fired? It didn't make a lot of sense to me. this paragraph could have been deleted without affecting the story.

Those are just some of my thoughts.

Good luck with your writing.

 

[_Lynn_]

I just finished reading your story.
A good idea that needs work, like the others said.

I felt a lot of areas didn't flow well.
There could be more feeling or depth to this with better dialogue.

Keep working at it.

My opinion only. ML

 

[snake307]

Everyone's opinion is appreciated

Thank you everyone, seriously, thanks. I am happy you liked the premise, and I do appreciate the suggestions to make my writing better. I am kicking a couple ideas around, trying to see how they feel writing them. I just started this, and figure that good ideas are a first step, now on to better execution of those ideas. I like charictor driven stories, and have one that is being edited, and after it's re-written some more, I'll try and post it here.

Thanks for taking the time to read and consider helping me everyone.