Show Me Your's, And I'll Show You Mine!

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

'flickering wind-blown sunlight.'

'cloud shadows roamed the fields with the speed of river barges'

'the decayed fingers of panic came in from the darkness and pinched her awareness'

'when she bent over to buckle her shoes he stepped behind her and lifted the hem of her skirt with the crook of his cane; her cotton lingerie looked like lace trimmed curtains.'

'raindrops dripped from the wet angel's finger and puckered the water'

HOW DO YOU SHOW IT?

 

[jomar]

Okay, I'll play. But I do get told I'm being telly.

This is from chapter 8 of my latest one up on Lit. She's naked except for her shoes.

"She walked to Mark in five graceful strides. Each foot placed directly in front of the other at the mid-line of her tall, slender body. Her runway walk. She stopped in front of him. Stood there. Mark looked at her. He could see part of the lines separating her toes before they disappeared under the leather of her shoes. At that moment it was the most erotic thing he had ever seen."

This is from chapter 9. It's set in a disco during Carnival compete with strobing lights, pulsating music and a mirrorball.

"Mark and Carrie were near the edge of the dance floor and it seemed they stood fixed while a great wheel of dancers floated past them. Barely clothed women would come between Mark and Carrie and dance with him, then turn and move with her for a moment before turning and drifting with sea of whirling dancers. Men would dance up and try to impress Carrie and she would spin and shoo them off, laughing when they feigned broken hearts forever as they were swept away by the relentless force of the great tide."

Hmm, on a do-over I think I'd go with active instead of passive on the second one. I usually do so not sure why not here. Eh.


Here's a couple from White Trash. That was a fun one to write.

"We all sat in silence for a few minutes, our thoughts clawing back from where they didn't need to be."

"She looked at me, ran her fingers through the top of her long jet black hair, drawing it back and away from her pretty face that hinted at distant Asian ancestors, and licked the rim before taking a swig."

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

JOMAR

Passive voice is good if the character is passive.

 

[jomar]

Neither character was particularly passive. I don't think it hurts my story, but it does go to show I need to pay more attention. Or maybe I'm just in a different mood!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Neither character was particularly passive. I don't think it hurts my story, but it does go to show I need to pay more attention. Or maybe I'm just in a different mood!

I dont like to obsess about rules, but I do prefer to use the right tool for the job. On the other hand a big fucking hammer has many uses. Perfection is usually wasted on imperfect readers. I mean, how many times has a chalky perfesser marked wrong grammar, spelling, etc. that was correct? Editors fuck things up more than they help.

 

[jomar]

I dont like to obsess about rules, but I do prefer to use the right tool for the job. On the other hand a big fucking hammer has many uses. Perfection is usually wasted on imperfect readers. I mean, how many times has a chalky perfesser marked wrong grammar, spelling, etc. that was correct? Editors fuck things up more than they help.

Ha! If perfection is a Nobel for The Road then it is certainly wasted on me.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

My faithful readers inform me that theyre confused about showing and telling.

Showing is the bottom rung on the 'ladder of abstraction'. Its where the concrete physical world and our internal experience play.

If I write, HE SHIT HIS PANTS, the words have less force than if I write, AFTER HIS TINY FINGERS FAILED TO UNSNAP HIS PANTS, A TURD FELL FROM THE CUFF OF HIS JEANS ONTO THE FLOOR, LIKE THE CONTENTS OF A SILLY PUTTY EGG, AND A TEAR STREAKED DOWN HIS CHEEK.

 

[Freefall_mc]

Heeding the fathers' cries, the pelican swoops into the chamber, plucking their sorrows from itself, and drops quills of blue for the redeemers.

A description of a physical action? I think I still missed the point of the exercise. Will try again later.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

FREEFALL

Point?

Lotsa folks are confused about what exactly 'showing' means or is.

If I write, DAPHNE WAS AFRAID, I've told you what her internal experience is; if I write, URINE STREAKED DOWN DAPHNE'S LEG FORMING A PUDDLE AROUND HER ORANGE JELLY SHOES, THEN SHE PRESSED THE KNUCKLES OF HER PALSIED HAND AGAINST HER CRACK ROTTED TEETH AND CHIRPED 'OMG!' AS HER EYEBROWS RAISED AND SHE PIVOTED IN A CIRCLE LIKE CURLY-JOE, I've shown you what her internal experience is.