Should men expect monogamy from women?

[Mike302]

The average woman, currently attached or not, turns down sex far more than the average man. They are simply more desired for sex.

Most men have to put quite a bit more effort into getting sex elsewhere, and if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should, it's not hard for him to stay "faithful".

When women give in to man's advances, or purposefully seek it out, the majority of men they are attached to can't deal with it and end the relationship. This results in divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative things.

I wish my Dad would have stayed with my mother and his kids when she had an affair. Moving out of the home, visitations, being a latch-key kid, and all kinds of troubles resulted. She married her affair partner, who turned out to be an alcoholic, so I got to live with that. That led to another affair, divorce, and another marriage. All before I moved out as an adult.

When I consider what I went through and other people I know with similar stories, alot of heartache and struggle would have been prevented if our Dads would have just stayed married and worked on themselves and relationship with their wives than just bailing on the family.

Watching and reading videos and comments / discussions regarding this on YT and such It seems to me men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out. I think the "zero tolerance" many men have for women having sex with anyone but them for their entire lives is ridiculous and unrealistic. The issue is more minimized when there are no children involved.

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

 

[kathyisgr65]

No
I don't think we're wired for monogamy but along the way society has brainwashed us in believing that we are... and to answer the question...I don't think it's about statistics but the dynamics of the relationship...and how secure he is in the relationship

 

[Noor]

People in general, rather than specific sexes, should be able to expect their partners to honor their commitments. I’m sorry about your rough childhood.
Unfortunately, parents can make bad choices that affect their children without intending to. Your step father sounds more like a love interest than just a sexual affair partner. Most people assume that they would leave an unhappy or unfulfilling marriage before having an affair, but it doesn’t always work that way.
I suspect based on what you are saying that there was a lot more than just sex involved.

Many marriage vows and contracts often have a monogamy commitment, if one agrees to it, they should keep it.
I think there are just as many woman interested in sex as men but as sex has greater physical risks to women than men, they are more particular in their partners and also won’t settle for bad or uncomfortable sex.
I think both sexes should be free to do whatever they wished as long as they aren’t breaking explicated mutually agreed upon expectations.
Statistically men cheat on women or than women on men. I think society accepts men cheating more than women esp. mothers.
Relationships are hard and many people have no or bad role models for them. Both people have to be willing and able to resolve problems together. When things are really bad the temptation to escape whether into a bottle, a lover or whatever is great it doesn’t matter what sex they are.

 

[Saint_Ann]

The average woman, currently attached or not, turns down sex far more than the average man. They are simply more desired for sex.

Most men have to put quite a bit more effort into getting sex elsewhere, and if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should, it's not hard for him to stay "faithful".

When women give in to man's advances, or purposefully seek it out, the majority of men they are attached to can't deal with it and end the relationship. This results in divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative things.

I wish my Dad would have stayed with my mother and his kids when she had an affair. Moving out of the home, visitations, being a latch-key kid, and all kinds of troubles resulted. She married her affair partner, who turned out to be an alcoholic, so I got to live with that. That led to another affair, divorce, and another marriage. All before I moved out as an adult.

When I consider what I went through and other people I know with similar stories, alot of heartache and struggle would have been prevented if our Dads would have just stayed married and worked on themselves and relationship with their wives than just bailing on the family.

Watching and reading videos and comments / discussions regarding this on YT and such It seems to me men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out. I think the "zero tolerance" many men have for women having sex with anyone but them for their entire lives is ridiculous and unrealistic. The issue is more minimized when there are no children involved.

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

I'm not sure you can expect anything from another autonomous human being. You can try to establish rules in a relationship, but rules are made to he broken.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

There is no single person who can fill every need another person has.

You can choose to be monogamous and always be deprived.
You can choose to cheat.
You can choose to enter into an ethically non-monogamous relationship.

I chose monogamy for over 30 years. When my ex had a 22 yr old female friend, who he spent more time with than he did me, situations changed over time.

He cheated emotionally had an intimate relationship.
I cheated physically. Pure intimacy.

Ethically non-monogamous was my suggestion.

 

[joepiko]

I am in a monogamous polyamorous triad. Have been now for 12 years. Our female partner has always trouble not wanting variety. She recruited me into their world years ago. We broke up once because he thought that I was going to miss out on my own. “———“.LTR type thing. I married, divorced, wound up getting re-recruited…. Been in this steady thing now, all of us quite happy. She gets to make playful sex with us both, or solo, whichever one is planned. Works same way with him and me.
I will say that as a bi man, I witness an incredible amount of men that “cheat” on their wives with men. I am not judging. Getting any kind of affection in a loveless/sexless relationship/marraige leaves a person in a desert without water. If water is offered, it saves a life, but would disrupt a marriage if discovered. If folks opened up more, spoke up more about their issues ll would maybe come to a balance. So, As my political science prof back in college would criticize me, Joe, you live in an Ivory Tower.
If men expect monogamy from their women, they should then be righteous to themselves and honest with their wives/partners.
When I was 23, one of my friends came to my house, just crazy, cause his wife had done some mushrooms with a neighbor and then just moved in with him….. I told him…. She’ll get bored and come back to you, preached it to him. I was wrong. She was thrilled to get away from him and as a result I completely quit giving any type of relationship advice to people. Be Open and honest is my Mantra.
Read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. 4 simple rules will change your life…. Or gently bump you onto your path because you already live that way.

 

[HollyS]

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

Monogamy is an agreement between two people. Gender has nothing to do with it. People honor their agreements, or they do not.

 

[Britva415]

Should men expect monogamy from women?

I think “yes” until and unless they discuss and establish a different expectation.

I mean, same goes the other way too. I read your whole post but don’t see why this is a gender issue in any way.

 

[Britva415]

I read your whole post

Blaming the father for the breakup after the mother’s infidelity is so strange to me.

men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out

There are men who have this motivation, and there are men who do not. We don’t have to act like one is right and the other is wrong.

And we fordamnsure don’t have to infantilize women by pretending they‘re powerless over what to do about the attention they get from other men.

 

[Escierto]

Just yesterday my girlfriend and I were chatting about her old fantasy of having a threesome with me and a friend of hers. She reaffirmed how committed she is to fidelity between us. She is a very sexy woman and gets plenty of male attention but she says I am the only one for her.

 

[QwertyMaster]

Lots of thoughts on this but what it really come down is the most important thing in regards to intimacy in a relationship, even intimacy outside the marriage bed: consent. Infidelity with consent is fine. Infidelity without consent is an abuse of your partner's trust and love. It can be understandable, but never justifiable. The most important thing in a relationship is always communication.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Yes. If that's established as a couple before marrying. Before the vows.
I told my wife after we were engaged that I was a one woman sort of guy, and if she thought that she'd ever want another man, she should just give me the ring back and we'd call it quits. She said she was more than happy with me and we've been happily monogamous now for 33 years and still have a healthy sex life.

It works for us. And we agreed upon it early. A cheater is someone who has broken a promise and that's hard to forgive. We both agreed early that cheating was the only deal breaker. One and done. Because how can you love someone you don't respect and how can you respect someone who you can't trust to keep their word?

Now don't get me wrong. If non-monogamy is your thing, by all means, enjoy. It just wouldn't work for us because we're both jealous people by nature.

 

[Noor]

Blaming the father for the breakup after the mother’s infidelity is so strange to me.

I figured there was more to the story.

Relationships are weird things, only the people inside of them know what’s really going on , the spoken and unspoken agreements, sometimes the people inside get blindsided even though they though they knew and was acting within the agreed terms.

 

[SmokingFap]

The average woman, currently attached or not, turns down sex far more than the average man. They are simply more desired for sex.

Most men have to put quite a bit more effort into getting sex elsewhere, and if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should, it's not hard for him to stay "faithful".

When women give in to man's advances, or purposefully seek it out, the majority of men they are attached to can't deal with it and end the relationship. This results in divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative things.

I wish my Dad would have stayed with my mother and his kids when she had an affair. Moving out of the home, visitations, being a latch-key kid, and all kinds of troubles resulted. She married her affair partner, who turned out to be an alcoholic, so I got to live with that. That led to another affair, divorce, and another marriage. All before I moved out as an adult.

When I consider what I went through and other people I know with similar stories, alot of heartache and struggle would have been prevented if our Dads would have just stayed married and worked on themselves and relationship with their wives than just bailing on the family.

Watching and reading videos and comments / discussions regarding this on YT and such It seems to me men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out. I think the "zero tolerance" many men have for women having sex with anyone but them for their entire lives is ridiculous and unrealistic. The issue is more minimized when there are no children involved.

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

This question is way too vague. I think you should expect someone to live up to whatever commitments or promises they make, period. If someone can't genuinely commit to being monogamous to you, then you obviously can't expect them to and might want to be with someone who can. If monogamy isn't important to you, then you can choose to be with someone who enjoys sex with other people. To act or imply that one lifestyle or the other is "better" is stupid and insulting.

 

[SmokingFap]

Yes. If that's established as a couple before marrying. Before the vows.
I told my wife after we were engaged that I was a one woman sort of guy, and if she thought that she'd ever want another man, she should just give me the ring back and we'd call it quits. She said she was more than happy with me and we've been happily monogamous now for 33 years and still have a healthy sex life.

It works for us. And we agreed upon it early. A cheater is someone who has broken a promise and that's hard to forgive. We both agreed early that cheating was the only deal breaker. One and done. Because how can you love someone you don't respect and how can you respect someone who you can't trust to keep their word?

Now don't get me wrong. If non-monogamy is your thing, by all means, enjoy. It just wouldn't work for us because we're both jealous people by nature.

I couldn't agree with all of this more.

 

[Mike302]

Blaming the father for the breakup after the mother’s infidelity is so strange to me.


There are men who have this motivation, and there are men who do not. We don’t have to act like one is right and the other is wrong.

And we fordamnsure don’t have to infantilize women by pretending they‘re powerless over what to do about the attention they get from other men.

Not powerless, but one can understand. Could you imagine how it must be for guys who are adored as much as the average woman? Kinda hard for Keanu Reeve types to stick with one woman. He could bed a different woman every hour of the day if he wanted.

The average woman, without the fame, looks, or money could do the same with guys. It makes sense to not do that takes far more willpower.

 

[HollyS]

Not powerless, but one can understand. Could you imagine how it must be for guys who are adored as much as the average woman? Kinda hard for Keanu Reeve types to stick with one woman. He could bed a different woman every hour of the day if he wanted.

The average woman, without the fame, looks, or money could do the same with guys. It makes sense to not do that takes far more willpower.

This might be one of the most stupid-ass things I've read here. How disrespectful to put the onus on the woman, just because there are a bunch of guys who would basically fuck anyone who let them. That is more a reflection of you and your view than anything to do with any woman.

Monogamy has ZERO to do with how easy it is to get some. It has to do with respect for your partner to whom you committed, and for yourself.

And if you think it takes a lot of willpower to resist every stupid horny bastard who'd like to fuck me, you're sadly mistaken. It's pretty easy, really.

 

[SmokingFap]

This might be one of the most stupid-ass things I've read here. How disrespectful to put the onus on the woman, just because there are a bunch of guys who would basically fuck anyone who let them. That is more a reflection of you and your view than anything to do with any woman.

Monogamy has ZERO to do with how easy it is to get some. It has to do with respect for your partner to whom you committed, and for yourself.

And if you think it takes a lot of willpower to resist every stupid horny bastard who'd like to fuck me, you're sadly mistaken. It's pretty easy, really.

I could not possibly agree with this more.

 

[LMWM321]

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

Yes. If that's established as a couple before marrying. Before the vows.
I told my wife after we were engaged that I was a one woman sort of guy, and if she thought that she'd ever want another man, she should just give me the ring back and we'd call it quits.

The problem is TIME. TIME can change how people feel about the promises they made before and at the Alter.

As my wife and I dated for 8 years, and through the first 15-20 years of our marriage, the thought of my wife being with someone else was a torment. Our relationship was still a bit of a house of cards that could have been blown over by many things, including one of us having sex with someone else.

But now? Our relationship feels like a stone castle and there is NOTHING that's going to blow it over, least of all my wife having 60 minutes of sex with another man. I am certain my wife will not leave me over a stupid, fucking orgasm - even if it was the best one of her life. Sex is fun, great, and important... but it pales in comparison to our shared life experiences, achievements and how we look forward to spending retirement together.

Something else to consider. I do believe that women grow bored with sex before men. And I theorize it's because they grow tired of the same sex partner. But because sex may be less of an all-consuming drive for them, women can more easily let it whither and come to an end than men can. So what can be done? Maybe lift the constraints and allow your wife to occasionally be with other men. By doing this your wife's interest in sex might spring back to life, which - assuming your relationship is a healthy one - could well mean she'll have more sex with you!

What do you value more? Your wife and you winning a Monogamy trophy at the end of your life, or continuing to have sex right up to the very end of it? I'll take the later any day.

 

[Mike302]

This might be one of the most stupid-ass things I've read here. How disrespectful to put the onus on the woman, just because there are a bunch of guys who would basically fuck anyone who let them. That is more a reflection of you and your view than anything to do with any woman.

Monogamy has ZERO to do with how easy it is to get some. It has to do with respect for your partner to whom you committed, and for yourself.

And if you think it takes a lot of willpower to resist every stupid horny bastard who'd like to fuck me, you're sadly mistaken. It's pretty easy, really.

The onus IS on women. Women are generally the gate-keepers of sex.

Sorry, you can't rule out temptation. Nobody would be overweight or waste money if resisting temptation was as easy as you say.

The other half of my point you confirmed. That is that women can find a "stupid horny bastard" to fuck them anytime they want. You can't possibly envision what it's like not to live like that. And that's okay. Enjoy your privilege. I'm glad you have zero issues enforcing your own principals regarding monogamy. Good for you. But you don't speak for all women.

What I propose, wherever I can, is that men save more relationships by not only adoring their women more but not expecting total monogamy from them for a lifetime. HollyS feels that's an insult. I feel I'm being empathetic.

 

[Chilllax]

The average woman, currently attached or not, turns down sex far more than the average man. They are simply more desired for sex.

Most men have to put quite a bit more effort into getting sex elsewhere, and if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should, it's not hard for him to stay "faithful".

When women give in to man's advances, or purposefully seek it out, the majority of men they are attached to can't deal with it and end the relationship. This results in divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative things.

I wish my Dad would have stayed with my mother and his kids when she had an affair. Moving out of the home, visitations, being a latch-key kid, and all kinds of troubles resulted. She married her affair partner, who turned out to be an alcoholic, so I got to live with that. That led to another affair, divorce, and another marriage. All before I moved out as an adult.

When I consider what I went through and other people I know with similar stories, alot of heartache and struggle would have been prevented if our Dads would have just stayed married and worked on themselves and relationship with their wives than just bailing on the family.

Watching and reading videos and comments / discussions regarding this on YT and such It seems to me men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out. I think the "zero tolerance" many men have for women having sex with anyone but them for their entire lives is ridiculous and unrealistic. The issue is more minimized when there are no children involved.

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

I am truly sorry to hear about the childhood you had. But I do think you are keeping your personal experience cloud your judgement.
The contract between a couple is between them and it can take on any shape or form that suits the life they want to live. How can you draw a parallel between monogamy and the gender? And why should you?
If you prefer monogamy then seek someone out who values that, by all means. You can't enforce that view on others. Speaking as a married male.

 

[Mike302]

I am truly sorry to hear about the childhood you had. But I do think you are keeping your personal experience cloud your judgement.
The contract between a couple is between them and it can take on any shape or form that suits the life they want to live. How can you draw a parallel between monogamy and the gender? And why should you?
If you prefer monogamy then seek someone out who values that, by all means. You can't enforce that view on others. Speaking as a married male.

You may be right. But I know my experience is not unique.

I draw a parallel because men and women are not the same. I've read that women more often keep a man who broke the monogamy contract whereas men more often end the relationship, like my Dad did. I would support him and other men dropping the "zero-tolerance" many have regarding this and working on themselves and the relationship instead.

I've been happily married over 20 years. We've been monogamous as far as I know. It is a FLR, she knows she's free and I know it gives her comfort that I'll always be her husband / best friend. It gives me comfort, too. We have great sex a few times a week.

 

[Chilllax]

You may be right. But I know my experience is not unique.

I draw a parallel because men and women are not the same. I've read that women more often keep a man who broke the monogamy contract whereas men more often end the relationship, like my Dad did. I would support him and other men dropping the "zero-tolerance" many have regarding this and working on themselves and the relationship instead.

I've been happily married over 20 years. We've been monogamous as far as I know. It is a FLR, she knows she's free and I know it gives her comfort that I'll always be her husband / best friend. It gives me comfort, too. We have great sex a few times a week.

If you ask me, expecting your dad to forgive and forget and expecting women to be monogamous are 2 completely different things. And neither is right. Why? People are different dude. That's what makes the world a crazy yet beautiful place. Do what works for you and let's everybody else figure out the same for themselves. My humble 2 cents.

 

[ronde]

No
I don't think we're wired for monogamy but along the way society has brainwashed us in believing that we are... and to answer the question...I don't think it's about statistics but the dynamics of the relationship...and how secure he is in the relationship

I also do not think women are hardwired for monogamy, but I do believe they are hardwired to stay with a man who provides for and protects them. The evolutionary reason is in times past, a woman had to carry a child for nine months and then care for that child for years, probably while carrying another child and then another child and so on. It's not hard to understand her motivations. If she didn't have someone to provide for her and protect her, she wouldn't be able to pass on her genes.

That's not as important in today's world because women are perfectly capable of providing for themselves and at least some have the capability of protecting themselves. They choose monogamy because they're either getting what they need out of a relationship, because they're at least comfortable if not satisfied by the relationship, or because they're risking a lot if that relationship ends.

I also believe men are hardwired to impregnate as many women as possible in order to pass on their genes. That hasn't changed much except most monogamous men have chosen to ignore that basic drive because society demands it, or they really like their partner.

The problem comes in when one partner is not satisfied with the relationship. Try as I might, I can not fault a woman for seeking something that she's not getting in her theoretical monogamous relationship. It just seems worse to some because as you state, society had deemed women to be subservient in a relationship while men who stray are excused with the answer that "he must not be getting enough from his wife." In today's world, women don't have to depend upon a man for food and shelter. Why should she be expected to stay in a relationship where she is not happy?

As for a man being secure in a relationship, being secure means being able to give as well as take. Only a man insecure about himself in a relationship would expect more from his partner than she's willing to give. He should have figured out if their relationship was going to work long before he made it permanent.

 

[LMWM321]

I also do not think women are hardwired for monogamy, but I do believe they are hardwired to stay with a man who provides for and protects them.

I agree with this. Besides, our "hardwiring" is subject to being overridden by our cognition. For example: we ALL evolved having a healthy fear of heights because we don't have wings and are easily injured if we fall from more than say 8' or so - consequently, early man avoided heights and never slept in trees. But these days? The vast majority of us easily ignore this "hardwiring" and comfortably soar 30,000 feet above earth on an airliner - indeed, many of us can even sleep while doing this. The same is true about sex. Because of social evolution, women are blessedly able to enjoy recreative sex just as much as men, despite whatever hard wiring we think exists.

And now that they are, other "newer" truths are emerging. And one, I believe, is that women may actually need sexual variety (ie., non-monogamy) MORE than men to continue enjoying sex later in life. Men often point to menopause and aging as the reason why so women call a halt to sex - and indeed, many do because of it - but I think it may also be because women get bored with their one sex partner sooner. Why do I think this? Because it's a fact that some (many?) older women who stopped having sex w/ their husbands often resume enjoying sex with other men after their husband passes - even in their late 70's and 80's! And it isn't because they didn't love and adore their husbands - most truly did. This reality is known quite well to those who work or have loved ones in large retirement homes where there is ton of NSA sex going on - and this includes women who had long ago stopped enjoying sex with their husbands before their death.

So what can we learn from this? That perhaps men who are frustrated that their aging wive's have lost interest in sex might choose to allow their wife to at least occasionally be with other men. Doing this might re-waken her libido and possible prompt a return to sex with him as well. Yeah, not an easy thing to do, I realize. And perhaps not something present-day men are capable of doing. But who knows… In 100 years this might be what all men do to keep their partners interest in sex strong.