should I submit it

[easyg]

retracted...

 

[Whispersecret]

The edifice

I contemplate life, I am here but why
have I succeeded, have I failed and how long will it stay
a person dreams and searches for that answer that haunts
why am I here anyway
what defines fulfillment and pleasure, success and happiness
just beyond reach, your fingertips lightly brush it but just can't keep it away
evading your hope it dissapears and you stare into an empty heart
why am I here anyway
suddenly alone and looking at your life you feel sadness like you've never known
it quietly seeps into the cracks which is supposed to keep those away
down you go, almost without warning
why am I here anyway
How do you seek an understanding ear
how to play both roles, strong and weak do not mix in the traditional way
what must I do to seal the cracks
why am I here anyway
it seems simple to many, the dreams of that life
but what must you sacrifice to achieve what you percieve as a dream from yesterday
a breakup is no means to and end, it's simply an end without a cause
why am I here anyway
understand this, I will never give up hope
the wall was built with many bricks and for each I have had to pay
hope gives way with a grudge
I hope in the end I will find my way

As a first timer, I understand that you'll be apprehensive about your work. I remember that feeling. I will endeavor to be kind, yet direct. Just remember, you asked.

I think that you could easily post this poem, but consider these random comments from me, a person who only dabbles in poetry, but lives and breathes prose:

1. Proofread everything before posting. Should be "disappears" and "perceive." Better yet, have someone else proofread it.

2. I think that every question you pose in this poem should have a question mark, but then again, as a teacher, I believe in punctuation, even in poetry.

3. Your repeating question, "Why am I here anyway?" establishes a first person point of view, and then you switch to talk about "a person," shifting the point of view to someone else, and then to "your fingertips," shifting it to me. To keep it more immediate and intimate, change it all to be first person. For example, take:

a person dreams and searches for that answer that haunts

change it to:

I dream and search for that haunting (ethereal? ghostly? elusive? fogbound?) answer

Then the entire poem will be more consistent.

4. That first stanza is a doozy, lengthwise. Just to ease eye strain, I'd think about dividing it somewhere.

5. I'd reconsider some of your word choices. For instance, "lightly brushes..." The verb "brushes" implies a light touch, so "lightly" is redundant.

6. I could be wrong, but this poem lacks depth, partly because the language is sort of bland. It needs more punch. Dig out that thesaurus and make friends with it. I'm only getting a hint at your emotions here, and I think that if you work at it, you can really make me feel what you're feeling.

I hope this was helpful and that you are not at this moment searching for the number of the Suicide Hotline.