Should I keep going?

[bartender333]

I've Written 3 chapters so far:

http://www.literotica.com/s/closing-the-bar
http://www.literotica.com/s/closing-the-bar-ch-02
http://www.literotica.com/s/closing-the-bar-ch-03

I want to keep going and I'm thinking about breaking the usual setting, and writing next about a trip everyone takes... I just want to get some feedback on the story so far, the characters and anything else you'd like to add.

thanks!

 

[B_E_A_N]

Well, you're story's hot, well-written and does have a nice general appeal, without being too niche.

So should you keep going? I see no reason why not.

 

[JLCC]

I enjoyed it; It was a short, easy, hot read.

'Easy' is the operative word. A world where the women are all hot and horny -woohoo! I am not necessarily a story Nazi, but it seems like Eliza far too suddenly turned her sights on the bartender. And then, despite their concerns about the cameras, they jumped right back at it. A little more story would be good.

You have a few word errors, including Cara/Cora, definitely worth someone else's review.

 

[B_E_A_N]

'Easy' is the operative word. A world where the women are all hot and horny -woohoo! I am not necessarily a story Nazi, but it seems like Eliza far too suddenly turned her sights on the bartender. And then, despite their concerns about the cameras, they jumped right back at it.

Ah, but it's not a bad thing if a story has the same beautifully cheesy quality of 80s porn movies:

"Hey, nice shoes."
"Thanks! Wanna fuck?"

 

[8letters]

I've Written 3 chapters so far:

http://www.literotica.com/s/closing-the-bar
http://www.literotica.com/s/closing-the-bar-ch-02
http://www.literotica.com/s/closing-the-bar-ch-03

I want to keep going and I'm thinking about breaking the usual setting, and writing next about a trip everyone takes... I just want to get some feedback on the story so far, the characters and anything else you'd like to add.

thanks!

Depends on your goal. My impression is that with chapter stories, you are going to get fewer readers each story and the readers you get are the same ones you had before. The readers you have will give you high scores as they obviously liked your earlier chapters.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Its a personal thing with me but modern jargon (WAIT STAFF) ruins the mood. Jargon is no reason to ding a story but I wont read it.

 

[rjordan]

Hot story and well written. Obviously, the scores show you have hit a vein so no harm in mining it. It's probably time to do something fresh, though.

I had no problem with the jargon because the story takes place entirely among people in the industry. My daughter was a waitress for many years and always used the term wait staff when talking about the industry to me. It's clearly how they talk among themselves, and it would be silly to have them using different terms.

I like stories about other industries and cultures and using the appropriate terms always makes them more interesting to me. If it isn't obvious what a term means, an explanation made in context is all that's necessary. Cormac McCarthy and Larry McMurtry use terms like "cut for sign" and "possibles bag" all the time in westerns. They don't even explain them, but context makes it obvious without taking the reader out of the story.

I also had no problem with you describing bra size, though there are more interesting ways of handling that and height. At least you didn't do a complete specifications list of attributes.

I enjoyed the stories. Thanks for posting them.

rj

 

[bartender333]

Thanks rj, I appreciate the feedback. I'll try to be more creative as I introduce more characters.

Feel free to give more feedback as you see fit!!

 

[bartender333]

I enjoyed it; It was a short, easy, hot read.

'Easy' is the operative word. A world where the women are all hot and horny -woohoo! I am not necessarily a story Nazi, but it seems like Eliza far too suddenly turned her sights on the bartender. And then, despite their concerns about the cameras, they jumped right back at it. A little more story would be good.

You have a few word errors, including Cara/Cora, definitely worth someone else's review.

Thanks for the feedback. I actually reached out to some editors for my next story to help with the grammatical errors, so I agree with you. I am also trying to build out the plot a little more.

In regard to everyone being hot and horny... it's the service industry

 

[JLCC]

I have 20 years of hospitality behind me. It got racy, but you played to my fantasies.

 

[J_Bonham]

There's some grammar issues. Your second sentence in the opening paragraph appears to be missing a comma. I am painfully aware of the fact that mistakes slip through the cracks easily without exceptional proof reading (hopefully by at least one other person) - but it can be lethal to have mistakes in your first paragraph. That's when you want to hook your audience.

While I understand the appeal for jargon, I wouldn't open up your story with it. Again, start with a hook. Doesn't need to be sexual at all - just something that grabs the reader's attention.

Another big thing is to watch out for your noun usage. Generally avoid saying "you," because that breaks the fourth wall. As a general rule, the author and the reader shouldn't be mentioned or even acknowledged in the story.

 

[monoblanco]

Good story!

As a former cook of ten years, like lots of folks this definitely reminded me of a few past experiences.

However, as others have mentioned, you should get yourself an editor to do some proofreading. I only read the first story but you've got some grammar and word choice issues going on that are pretty distracting.

the aforementioned comma in your opening paragraph is one. Misuse of to, too, and two, is another.

Also:
"eyes that seemed to pierce through your skin" just totally threw me off.

'pierce through' is redundant. Pierce means to go into OR through something...

Those are all nit picky thing and again, overall, a good story.

What I'd like to see is more development of the story in that first chapter. As someone who worked in the industry, it's clear that you did too, but without going too far in the other direction, I'd love to have a little bit more in the way of exposition. Who are these people? What's it really like to work in a bar? Why do waiters hate closing? Why do bartenders like taking over their tabs? And so on...

 

[sr71plt]

"Proofreading" is one word, by the way. It starts getting distracting when it keeps coming up in advice on the need for it.

 

[monoblanco]

"Proofreading" is one word, by the way. It starts getting distracting when it keeps coming up in advice on the need for it.

Yep. Thanks for catching that...