Should couples match on "Outness"?

[deezire1900]

This girl I have been seeing for 2 months is not even close to being as out as I am. Only 1/4 of her family knows, and about 1/2 of her friends. All of her past relationships (3) have been in secret...

I am out. No questions. Although, I look straight...I don't hide who I am.

It scares me...

I had to fight so hard to be where I am, and now when we are together I feel a little pushed back. Is it my fault? I don't want to force her out...I am really lost on this entire subject.

 

[Raimondin]

This girl I have been seeing for 2 months is not even close to being as out as I am. Only 1/4 of her family knows, and about 1/2 of her friends. All of her past relationships (3) have been in secret...

I am out. No questions. Although, I look straight...I don't hide who I am.

It scares me...

I had to fight so hard to be where I am, and now when we are together I feel a little pushed back. Is it my fault? I don't want to force her out...I am really lost on this entire subject.

I think being with you can only help her deal with her own coming out. You are more secure and have already dealt with it and you are comfortable being you. You're way ahead of the game. She can learn and pick up on this. (By example). No, you're not at fault, no way. And I don't think you need to worry about forcing her out. Just give her space to help her catch up with you. Although I can understand your frustration when you are together, maybe a little patience is the virtue here. I would say let things take their natural course to allow things to pan out. This way nobody is forcing anybody in or out.

 

[bisexplicit]

It is, obviously, a scary thing to come out, and she might never be ready to tell everyone. I think it is something you can work around, as long as you don't have to spend all your energy hiding your relationship.

 

[deezire1900]

Thank you for the posts.

It makes me miss the emotions couples feel when they do things like hold hands in public, or Kiss in line for a movie.

 

[bisexplicit]

Thank you for the posts.

It makes me miss the emotions couples feel when they do things like hold hands in public, or Kiss in line for a movie.

I feel like you should be able to do these things, still. Its one thing not to tell family who may be judgemental - but why does it matter if strangers know?

 

[kbate]

I can find no fault for keeping homosexuality a secret at work or in certain social situations, but I do believe that ones family and close friends should be "within the circle of knowledge."

The only reasons for remaining "closeted" with family and close friends is normally fear and shame, and neither reason is valid. Any person ashamed of their homosexuality probably believes something is wrong with being homosexual.

I insisted that my SO be introduced to my family as such and we make no attempt to hide our love or our sexuality. My family doesn't like it, but they have accepted it and it is no longer an issue.

 

[rip_1_4_u]

I dated a woman who was fairly closeted in both her personal and in her professional life...I tried to work around it, but after a while, I couldn't live with her fear and anxiety. I don't know what all her reasons were for her feelings, but after a while it didn't matter. I didn't like how it made me feel being around her.

After that, I made sure I was friends with and dated women who were comfortable with being out with their friends. I had to be able to have fun with my girlfriend!

I've spent a long time with a girlfriend who didn't have problems with being out, but had other issues. I waited for her to deal with these problems, tried not to push her to deal with issues she wasn't ready for, but finally realized she may never be able to cope with some of the problems that I've already spent a long time overcoming...I've decided I don't want to wait and would rather be alone and start over than take the risk that I'll move backwards on issues I spent a lot of energy making peace with.

I hope you'll do whatever makes you happiest!

 

[John Doe]

Of course it would be nice if they did, but I don't know if it's necessary. As long as there's plenty of discussion to avoid accidentally outing someone who isn't ready, it shouldn't be a big problem.

 

[Ebola]

I've been the more "closeted" one in a past relationship. I can honestly say, be yourself and give her space. When this was done for me, I responded the best and became more comfortable with who I am, and loved her even more for it.

It's a big step and it takes patience and work on both ends. Best of luck! And hang in there. You're doing fine

 

[deezire1900]

Thanks!

I think my biggest issue is not with her outness, but with mine. She doesn't always ask me to hide, but I feel like I do when we are in public together. Maybe, I am overreacting and causing my own stress.

She wanted me to meet her X-girlfriend, and pretend I was just a friend. I almost died...it didn't make any sense, until she told me they had this pact that they would never tell anyone they were together, but she broke the pact when she told me? She said they both made a deal to try and go straight, and she doesn't know how to tell her she didn't keep her end of the deal. (the X is now married)
I didn't go.

BTW...I AM SO OUT! I want to be out and free...that is what we are fighting for isn't it?

 

[SophiaY]

When it comes up in discussion with friends that are either supportive of those who stay in the closet, or indifferent, I quietly ask how they would feel about someone pretending not to be a Jew, or a Catholic, or a black trying to pass as white.

"if you don't keep knocking down the walls of prejudice, they will keep on being rebuilt."

 

[marieR19]

I think the relationship would probably be easier if both people were on the same level of "outness", but personally I wouldn't know. Three out of four of the girls I have dated were completely and totally closeted when we started dating, while I had been totally out-and-proud for a long time.

Marie

 

[deezire1900]

I have had to put my foot down...a little.

It is so hard to balance. Me not pushing her, while keeping my own dignity.

What if she never comes fully out? I don't think I want to live that way.

 

[deezire1900]

Last night I went out to a Diva event. These ladies are OUT and Proud! I felt so alive. Dancing, drinking, flirting, and just being gay.

I didn't realize that I was spending so much time in K's closet.
I guess I am starting to answer my own question.

A woman I work with was there. She was shocked to see me. I wasn't shocked to see her. I got the vibe at work the first day we met. She asked how "out" I was at work and I said completely. Everyone knows and I think it makes life so much easier. SHe is not out at work...so I just reminded her that sometimes it is death by association.
She wants to have lunch on Monday.

 

[Never]

Love quickly fester when your partner pushes you into their closet.

 

[deezire1900]

She stumbled over her words at Pride...calling me first her "friend" then correcting it with "girlfriend". She is so in the closet, she couldn't even be out at pride?

 

[Xectxny19X]

I really feel for you! I hope things become better with time.

Also, at least yours hesitated and corrected it. Mine didn't even hesitate! I am her friend! *sighs*

 

[deezire1900]

at least.

I want a girl who is PROUD to love me.