Short story

[makemewet69]

New author, first story published. Feedback appreciated

https://www.literotica.com/s/consumed-16

 

[sr71plt]

It's fine as a very (very!) short sex scene. There's no story to it, though. The writing is OK but nothing much special. There probably are thousands of quickies saying the same thing posted to Literotica. I wouldn't have put it in Romance, I don't think. It's just a sex scene; I didn't see anything romantic about it. They are just in heat and they fuck and suck.

 

[makemewet69]

It's fine as a very (very!) short sex scene. There's no story to it, though. The writing is OK but nothing much special. There probably are thousands of quickies saying the same thing posted to Literotica. I wouldn't have put it in Romance, I don't think. It's just a sex scene; I didn't see anything romantic about it. They are just in heat and they fuck and suck.

That was a little harsh, thank you for killing my excitement a little. I stated it was very short, it was just an attempt to get my feet wet as I journey back into writing. Thanks for the encouragement. And I wasn't in heat, I'm not a dog.

 

[sr71plt]

Sorry, but I don't think I was being harsh. I didn't criticize the writing. I didn't see many grammatical mistakes and didn't nitpick on any that I saw. The paragraphs are too short and choppy and there are some grammar issues, but I didn't remark on those. I think you are being a bit thin skinned and are setting yourself for a rude awakening on other comments--especially when you have asked for them.

My major note is that it isn't a story at all. There is no plot, no setting, no character development, no dilemma, no change, and the only resolution is the usual one of them both getting off. If you want to call something a story here, you'd best be prepared to have it assessed as a story. As a simple sex scene, one of thousands of almost identical sex scenes, posted to Literotica, it will work with a lot of readers. With that expectation, I think you'll be pleased with the response. But a story? No, it's not a story.

 

[NotWise]

It seems like a lot of people submit a short scene as a way of getting their feet wet and they get the comment that it isn't a story -- I've made the comment recently myself. Don't feel bad about it. My first submissions (less than a year ago) were pretty short, but I made an effort to make them into stories. It takes some work to tell a story in a short text.

The problem I see with little scenes like this is that there's hardly anything to hold the reader. If nothing grabs them (and nothing grabbed me) then they may not go far into it. Now you have your feet wet and the next time around you might have a location and a plot and characters with names. All of that will help hold your readers.

 

[Bramblethorn]

That was a little harsh, thank you for killing my excitement a little. I stated it was very short, it was just an attempt to get my feet wet as I journey back into writing. Thanks for the encouragement. And I wasn't in heat, I'm not a dog.

I've seen SR being harsh, and that wasn't it. Feedback and encouragement aren't always the same thing; you asked for feedback and he gave you constructive feedback.

 

[Botanico]

New author, first story published. Feedback appreciated

https://www.literotica.com/s/consumed-16

I have to say I enjoyed the story right away, but then again I have also just published my first story, just like you, and believe I have a similar style. I like how it opens right up into the action, and, as a reader, you can take as much time as you need to adjust to the scene, but there it is, right in your face. Actually, looking back at how the story starts, I do really like it. Maybe some will consider this a scene more so than a story, but I certainly found it hot. Visceral, very sensual, and puts one right into the action. A physical event put to words that drew me in. My first story will be similar in that it will be sensual and direct, rather than a longer affair that develops characters and story line (provided I get it approved, finally). There is definitely a place for both styles. Keep it up, please.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

That was a little harsh, thank you for killing my excitement a little. I stated it was very short, it was just an attempt to get my feet wet as I journey back into writing. Thanks for the encouragement. And I wasn't in heat, I'm not a dog.

PILOT, imo, was about right in what he said

if you want feedback, be prepared to get it. not everyone is going to blow smoke up your backside.

okay, he didn't dress it up, but his points are valid.

how about taking it on-board and doing something about it? write something else and put it up, too. take the constructive points and use them to 'improve'.

a thicker skin helps as well

if you think he was harsh, try Loving Wives!

don't give up. keep going.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I read it. Its a scene.

Read Harriet Beecher Stowe's UNCLE TOMS CABIN, she ignited a colossal civil war with it that slaughtered around 800 thousand people. It sold 300K copies in no time. Its a fair measure of what writers aim at...or should.

Another recommendation is Raymond Chandler's, THE BIG SLEEP. Its the standard for all mystery-detective-hard crime fiction since 1939. Chandler was born knowing how to compose memorable scenes and characters. No one reads Hemingway today, but no one discounts Chandler's wares.

And Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings. No one discounts her stuff, ever. She learned writing sitting at the knee of Maxwell Perkins, the editor who made Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thomas Wolfe, and other stars. THE YEARLING earned a Pulitzer.

 

[lovecraft68]

Like others I think it was a scene more than a story and as a scene it wasn't bad at all.

I think your score would have been higher in erotic couplings. Romance category tends to favor a story and conflict to build up to the sex.

As a first effort, it was good. You should see it as a skeleton and take it and add some flesh to it, give us more about how they got to that point, make us know the characters and make us look forward to them getting together.

 

[Penuche]

I echo the comment about putting it in erotic couplings instead of romance. Also the classing of it as a scene instead of a story.

Having said which, given a bit more at the beginning and end (eg how did these two end up together?), and a bit of a twist to stop it reading like a generic rewritten RP and it could become well worth reading.

You might not be there yet, but IMHO it's very far from terrible.

 

[o2baPrince]

New author, first story published. Feedback appreciated

https://www.literotica.com/s/consumed-16

I read it yesterday. It's a great start, uncommon scene and full of emotions and feelings. Write more!

 

[MarkoAaron]

That was a little harsh, thank you for killing my excitement a little. I stated it was very short, it was just an attempt to get my feet wet as I journey back into writing. Thanks for the encouragement. And I wasn't in heat, I'm not a dog.

Don't take it too personally. Pilot and I had a short squabble a few months ago. He's not a bad person, it's just his nature. This is the Story Feedback, you're gonna get feedback, but no promises that it's gonna be positive.

I've had my stories put down, as well. Ignore the naysayers and just focus on your work. Some people don't like how I write, I've never been the best at grammar or writing stories, but I keep going. It's your story, your style and you should stand behind it, no matter what. Keep truckin'

 

[SteamyChik]

Hi makemewet69!

I enjoyed your short story. It was sweet, and I could definitely sense the love the two characters had for each other.

I would have loved to have read more in the beginning. Who were they? How did they get to that moment? It seemed that the we had a small snippet of a bigger story.

I think this story could be developed into something even better. At the same time, if it is going to be written as a "let's get straight to the fucking and sucking" story, you might want to expand on the descriptions, adding touch, taste, feeling, hearing, even smell.

Keep writing! I write for me, and some people like it and some people don't. I take the criticism I like and toss the rest. Good luck!

 

[OliviaM]

Not bad for a first entry, I think. I'd echo what others said. It's short, but very hot. Honestly, probably better than sex scenes I write in terms of word choice. I always struggle with that. I also agree with those who said it should have gone to Erotic Couplings, but it looks like you got some favorites already. You should definitely keep going.