Shi’s Big Black Couch

[Shi_One81]

I know I can’t be the only one...

Are there any other Litsters here who struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc.? My struggle began in high school and then it hid in the bushes for awhile and came back in full force almost three years ago after I was raped, assaulted, went through a divorce, and my dad committed suicide. This time of year is when all those things happened, so it tends to be harder for me.

This thread may very well tank, but I thought it would be nice for those of us who struggle or those who help others with their struggle to have a place to vent, talk, or just say, “me too”, and know you’re not the only one going through things.

 

[sexysecrets]

.... me too.


I bounce between okay and not okay more often than not.

 

[Shi_One81]

.... me too.


I bounce between okay and not okay more often than not.

Last week was awful, Christmas wasn’t which surprised me. My SI last week was through the roof.

 

[sexysecrets]

Last week was awful, Christmas wasn’t which surprised me. My SI last week was through the roof.

The holidays always add extra stress and anxiety.

 

[Shi_One81]

The holidays always add extra stress and anxiety.

I find Thanksgiving harder than Christmas because my dad loved Thanksgiving. Do you have one holiday that’s harder than another?

 

[AlwaysFara]

Hey there. I struggle wit depression, and situationally, this last year has been pretty rough. I’ll probbaly lurk more here, as I’m not putting too much information about myself out there anymore.

I’m really sorry about your Dad. Fuck. I knew he died, I didn’t know how. I don’t know what to say.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I find Thanksgiving harder than Christmas because my dad loved Thanksgiving. Do you have one holiday that’s harder than another?

Yes. Christmas Eve. My Dad was all about Christmas.

 

[Shi_One81]

Hey there. I struggle wit depression, and situationally, this last year has been pretty rough. I’ll probbaly lurk more here, as I’m not putting too much information about myself out there anymore.

I’m really sorry about your Dad. Fuck. I knew he died, I didn’t know how. I don’t know what to say.

It’s okay. It’s something I’ve been working through in individual therapy, group therapy, in patient and out patient.

When I first struggled with depression, my mom gave me the “oh just toughen up” speech. I think it’s a generational thing. She’d tell my dad the same thing when he was struggling. Now, she’s all about me getting all the help I need. I’ve had 4 attempts, but none in over a year.

When I did a 30 day in patient stint I was able to work with a therapist and call the local police department, go over the report for the day it happened, and get some questions answered.

 

[sexysecrets]

I find Thanksgiving harder than Christmas because my dad loved Thanksgiving. Do you have one holiday that’s harder than another?

Not really one or the other for me.

I'm so sorry about your dad, and how hard the holidays were.

 

[Shi_One81]

My weight was recently made fun of on here - I gained around 50 lbs when the doctor changed my meds. I haven’t had any suicide attempts since the med change, so I think I can deal with the extra weight.

Anyone else experience weight gain or loss or any other side effects because of meds?

 

[AlwaysFara]

My weight was recently made fun of on here - I gained around 50 lbs when the doctor changed my meds. I haven’t had any suicide attempts since the med change, so I think I can deal with the extra weight.

Anyone else experience weight gain or loss or any other side effects because of meds?

That was fucked up. Guy was an asshat.
I gained weight from SSRI and stress. I’m just getting back into being healthier.

You had attempts?

 

[PWilton]

Another Struggler

Yesterday was a hard day for me. Two years ago, my son committed suicide and the 13th was the anniversary. My other kids are so supportive, but were also hurting the same. I have had my own struggles with mental health over the years, and, although stable at this time, tragic family events threaten to undo the stability. My meds and my psych doctor are a necessary part of my emotional life.

We also had a loss this year when a much loved grandson died from a drug overdose.

After many episodes of tears yesterday, one thing I did for myself and my family was to make a list of good things in our family that have happened in the last two years as a way of counterpointing and maintaining some kind of balance and sanity. I posted it on our family Facebook page so we could all share. I think it helped.

So, Ms. Shi, you are not the only one....and thanks for sharing what you did. We all maintain some kind of persona on Lit, but in reality, we are all people with the problems and challenges that people have.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Yesterday was a hard day for me. Two years ago, my son committed suicide and the 13th was the anniversary. My other kids are so supportive, but were also hurting the same. I have had my own struggles with mental health over the years, and, although stable at this time, tragic family events threaten to undo the stability. My meds and my psych doctor are a necessary part of my emotional life.

We also had a loss this year when a much loved grandson died from a drug overdose.

After many episodes of tears yesterday, one thing I did for myself and my family was to make a list of good things in our family that have happened in the last two years as a way of counterpointing and maintaining some kind of balance and sanity. I posted it on our family Facebook page so we could all share. I think it helped.

So, Ms. Shi, you are not the only one....and thanks for sharing what you did. We all maintain some kind of persona on Lit, but in reality, we are all people with the problems and challenges that people have.

Oh my God.

I’m so sorry.

 

[sexysecrets]

My weight was recently made fun of on here - I gained around 50 lbs when the doctor changed my meds. I haven’t had any suicide attempts since the med change, so I think I can deal with the extra weight.

Anyone else experience weight gain or loss or any other side effects because of meds?

He was an asshat.

I haven't had any weight gain from meds but from stress and emotional eating.

 

[Shi_One81]

Yesterday was a hard day for me. Two years ago, my son committed suicide and the 13th was the anniversary. My other kids are so supportive, but were also hurting the same. I have had my own struggles with mental health over the years, and, although stable at this time, tragic family events threaten to undo the stability. My meds and my psych doctor are a necessary part of my emotional life.

We also had a loss this year when a much loved grandson died from a drug overdose.

After many episodes of tears yesterday, one thing I did for myself and my family was to make a list of good things in our family that have happened in the last two years as a way of counterpointing and maintaining some kind of balance and sanity. I posted it on our family Facebook page so we could all share. I think it helped.

So, Ms. Shi, you are not the only one....and thanks for sharing what you did. We all maintain some kind of persona on Lit, but in reality, we are all people with the problems and challenges that people have.

I’m extremely sorry for your losses. I love what you did to maintain balance, I think that’s such a great idea!

 

[sexysecrets]

Yesterday was a hard day for me. Two years ago, my son committed suicide and the 13th was the anniversary. My other kids are so supportive, but were also hurting the same. I have had my own struggles with mental health over the years, and, although stable at this time, tragic family events threaten to undo the stability. My meds and my psych doctor are a necessary part of my emotional life.

We also had a loss this year when a much loved grandson died from a drug overdose.

After many episodes of tears yesterday, one thing I did for myself and my family was to make a list of good things in our family that have happened in the last two years as a way of counterpointing and maintaining some kind of balance and sanity. I posted it on our family Facebook page so we could all share. I think it helped.

So, Ms. Shi, you are not the only one....and thanks for sharing what you did. We all maintain some kind of persona on Lit, but in reality, we are all people with the problems and challenges that people have.

I'm sorry to hear about your son.


I like what you did with making the list of all the good things that have happened, to help find balance.

 

[Shi_One81]

He was an asshat.

I haven't had any weight gain from meds but from stress and emotional eating.

I don’t even snack and I just keep gaining. I think I’m going to do a gym membership and see if that can counteract the med weight gain. And they say exercise is good for depression. We’ll see...

 

[sexysecrets]

I don’t even snack and I just keep gaining. I think I’m going to do a gym membership and see if that can counteract the med weight gain. And they say exercise is good for depression. We’ll see...

It is. It does work.


I'm finding it hard to get to the gym to do so.

 

[Jada59]

I guess I'm lucky. No major issues at the moment.

I did go through hell about 20 years ago. I was seeing crappy Drs. who either misdiagnosed or fail to diagnose true medical problems. They prescribed psyche meds, saying it was all in my head. This led me to seeing a psychologist who said I had no mental issues and felt that I had medical problems that hadn't been addressed. Quite true.

One med gave me a heart problem that went away once I stopped it. One made me depressed. The next one made me depressed, sick to my stomach and gave me headaches. The last one, caused me to hallucinate and I heard voices telling myself to hurl myself out the window. I was afraid to even go to the phone to dial 911 because I had to walk by that window to get to the phone. That was a seizure med (used off label) and the Dr. told me I couldn't just stop it as that would induce a seizure. I had been ramping up and now I had to ramp down. Damn. Horrible med. Left me totally non-functional. 20 minutes after I took it, I could feel it slamming into my brain. I walked like I was drunk. I collapsed and passe out. If I managed to have a conversation, the person I was speaking to thought I sounded normal but nothing that I was saying was what I intended to say. I was living a nightmare.

Thankfully, we moved out of state and my new Drs. diagnosed me correctly right away. One thing still wasn't being addressed properly despite my trying. When we moved here, my Dr. believed me right away and a lab test proved what I had told him. I began to feel sooo much better and I felt like I was getting my life back!

I do still have a few issues though.

Some years ago, my best friend committed suicide on New Year's day. I was the last person to see him alive. And now in looking back, when I read through the poems I wrote at the time about him, I could see the changes. I don't know for sure but I strongly suspect that he was gay and did not want to be. He was a deeply religious person. I don't want to get into all of that, and he didn't really speak a lot to me about it. It was more of a feeling that I got. Guess I'll never know for sure. But his mom seemed to blame me for his death. She never liked me. Always thought I was trying to take him away from her and was corrupting him. Said he never smoked or drank until he met me. Untrue but she still thought that. He was also wealthy and spent a lot of money on me. She hated that too.

Add in my dad going into the hospital just after Christmas one year and dying just after midnight, New Year's day. So... Holidays just don't seem festive any more. Not even things like the 4th of July. We always went to a big party during the day. Both my dad and my best friend were there. And when the sun set, we'd go to my friend's house overlooking the water to watch fireworks. So... I no longer want to make a big deal out of holidays.

Also, I grew up in a very volatile and violent household. Don't want to get too much into that except to say that my dad and I made peace after he went into therapy. He finally realized his own problems and took steps to correct them. Wasn't always successful but I could see that he tried hard to do right.

Meanwhile, my mom is still alive and making everyone miserable. She's in assisted living and I limit my contact with her. But...

When you are used to constantly being hit or slapped or pinched, you learn to move away quickly when someone suddenly comes towards you. Took me a great many years to realize that most people who might touch me were not going to hurt me. Eventually I stopped flinching or wincing or jumping back when people approached me. I do still startle easily. I had to suffer through sneak attacks or even having my bedroom light turned on while I was sleeping so someone could yell at me. I'm working on that too.

Had a bit of a funny some time back. My gardener startled me, I startled my daughter, then she startled him. As in all in a row. All of us startle easily for various reasons. At least we were able to laugh about it!

 

[AlwaysFara]

Underneath it all. I’m sorry, Jada.

Now I can’t sleep. My mind is whirling.

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Yeah. I'm in.

I can't be medicated currently due to a medical issue and the reactions between drugs. So every day is a bit of a battle when you consider I've been medicated for the best part of 20 years.

 

[curvyangel1969]

I'm so sorry for the pain all who've shared has experienced.

I wish I could publicly say what I want but, it's not in my nature. I'll just say if there was a way to wipe November off the calendar I would. That's my bad month.


Ps when a saw big black c......couch was not what I was expecting. Lol

 

[Shi_One81]

I guess I'm lucky. No major issues at the moment.

I did go through hell about 20 years ago. I was seeing crappy Drs. who either misdiagnosed or fail to diagnose true medical problems. They prescribed psyche meds, saying it was all in my head. This led me to seeing a psychologist who said I had no mental issues and felt that I had medical problems that hadn't been addressed. Quite true.

One med gave me a heart problem that went away once I stopped it. One made me depressed. The next one made me depressed, sick to my stomach and gave me headaches. The last one, caused me to hallucinate and I heard voices telling myself to hurl myself out the window. I was afraid to even go to the phone to dial 911 because I had to walk by that window to get to the phone. That was a seizure med (used off label) and the Dr. told me I couldn't just stop it as that would induce a seizure. I had been ramping up and now I had to ramp down. Damn. Horrible med. Left me totally non-functional. 20 minutes after I took it, I could feel it slamming into my brain. I walked like I was drunk. I collapsed and passe out. If I managed to have a conversation, the person I was speaking to thought I sounded normal but nothing that I was saying was what I intended to say. I was living a nightmare.

Thankfully, we moved out of state and my new Drs. diagnosed me correctly right away. One thing still wasn't being addressed properly despite my trying. When we moved here, my Dr. believed me right away and a lab test proved what I had told him. I began to feel sooo much better and I felt like I was getting my life back!

I do still have a few issues though.

Some years ago, my best friend committed suicide on New Year's day. I was the last person to see him alive. And now in looking back, when I read through the poems I wrote at the time about him, I could see the changes. I don't know for sure but I strongly suspect that he was gay and did not want to be. He was a deeply religious person. I don't want to get into all of that, and he didn't really speak a lot to me about it. It was more of a feeling that I got. Guess I'll never know for sure. But his mom seemed to blame me for his death. She never liked me. Always thought I was trying to take him away from her and was corrupting him. Said he never smoked or drank until he met me. Untrue but she still thought that. He was also wealthy and spent a lot of money on me. She hated that too.

Add in my dad going into the hospital just after Christmas one year and dying just after midnight, New Year's day. So... Holidays just don't seem festive any more. Not even things like the 4th of July. We always went to a big party during the day. Both my dad and my best friend were there. And when the sun set, we'd go to my friend's house overlooking the water to watch fireworks. So... I no longer want to make a big deal out of holidays.

Also, I grew up in a very volatile and violent household. Don't want to get too much into that except to say that my dad and I made peace after he went into therapy. He finally realized his own problems and took steps to correct them. Wasn't always successful but I could see that he tried hard to do right.

Meanwhile, my mom is still alive and making everyone miserable. She's in assisted living and I limit my contact with her. But...

When you are used to constantly being hit or slapped or pinched, you learn to move away quickly when someone suddenly comes towards you. Took me a great many years to realize that most people who might touch me were not going to hurt me. Eventually I stopped flinching or wincing or jumping back when people approached me. I do still startle easily. I had to suffer through sneak attacks or even having my bedroom light turned on while I was sleeping so someone could yell at me. I'm working on that too.

Had a bit of a funny some time back. My gardener startled me, he startled my daughter, then she startled me. As in all in a row. All of us startle easily for various reasons. At least we were able to laugh about it!

I’m so sorry you went through all of that. I startle as well, an old man at Kohls grabbed my arm to move me and I about knocked him out. Have you had any sleep paralysis or found something that helps you with sleep? Thank you so much for opening up and sharing. You’re so strong

Yeah. I'm in.

I can't be medicated currently due to a medical issue and the reactions between drugs. So every day is a bit of a battle when you consider I've been medicated for the best part of 20 years.

Thank you so much for sharing. The meds seem so complex and it’s hard to find the correct combo. They now can do DNA testing to find out which meds will be best for you. I’m waiting to see if my insurance will approve the test. If not, it’s a couple hundred dollars. Might be something to look into?

I'm so sorry for the pain all who've shared has experienced.

I wish I could publicly say what I want but, it's not in my nature. I'll just say if there was a way to wipe November off the calendar I would. That's my bad month.


Ps when a saw big black c......couch was not what I was expecting. Lol

Thank you for sharing, it’s not easy. I guess I didn’t think the name through, maybe I should’ve used sofa instead of couch?

 

[AlwaysFara]

Morning. *grumbles*

 

[Shi_One81]

Morning. *grumbles*

Good morning. Lol I feel you. I didn’t fall back asleep after the fiancé left for work at 4 a.m. and then I turned on the news and saw the schools are on a two hr delay. *