she sat on my lap

[thickstick]

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[KillerMuffin]

A story has an arc to it. It begins with conflict or tension. The tension is escalated through the course of the story until it reaches its peak, the climax, and then it's resolved. Then there is some resolution, or de-escalation of tension. It's how a plot works. Conflict, is just a word meaning that there is opposition of some sort occuring, not that there is fighting going on. It just means drama or action has the chance to happen.

You have the start of a plot. A girl sitting in the main character's lap who thinks she's getting away with something. Introduction of conflict/tension. And then...nothing. So, what happens next? Why?

Why should I, the reader, care why she's sitting in his lap? The answer to this question is what makes your story different or potentially the same as every other porno out there. If the answer is "he has a big penis" then the story is kind of stereotypical and you'll have to work on different aspects, such as emphasizing the sex and de-emphasizing everything else. People who read stroke stories like plot and character development, but not if it takes too long to get to the sex.

So. Yeah. You don't have a story, just the start of one. It's not easy to give any critical advice on the opening of a story. The characters are potentially interesting and the plot can be, as well, but it's too soon in the story to see which direction you plan to take it. One cannot judge a story on any merits but its own.

 

[CWatson]

Here is a story

Where? I don't see one.

What you have here is a beginning. Obviously, that's a good thing to have. Now what you need is a middle and an end. And until you provide those things, we can't really say much that's meaningful. "There isn't much character development." "I don't think the sex is hot." "I wanna know what happens next!" All these things can (or at least should) be answered by the remainder of the story.

So my advice is the same as KM's: Finish writing. Then we can tell you things that are useful.

(And while you're at it, please clean up your spelling and punctuation. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who write well, and those who are sloppy on details.)

 

[polynices]

1. I agree with CWatson and KillerMuffin.

2. That said, I liked the staccato effect of the short sentences. I also liked the directness of the piece. It was refreshing.

3. The opening's good. There's lots of energy in it and it caught my attention:

The word had gotten out. All her friends knew. My dick is curved. It's not just slightly bent. It's a banana. A long hard banana. Well, I guess that's why they gave me the nickname "banana boy." I wouldn't have been as concerned about it if I new ['d known ???]where it would all lead.

4. I noticed quite a few spelling mistakes - maybe typos committed in the heat of composition? But you'd need to correct them before posting, of course.

5. I shared KillerMuffin's feeling that the story [may be] kind of stereotypical. There's nothing wrong with writing a story about a bloke with a big dick, but the dick has to be big for a fictional reason - i.e. to support the story in some way. Otherwise it just comes over as boasting or wish-fulfilment.

That said, we don't really know what the pay-off is here. Your story's ending might justify what's gone before. (And you do promise a pay-off, of course: I wouldn't have been as concerned about it if I new where it would all lead.)

6. I'm afraid I smiled at: Her huge left breast was resting on my shoulder. Perhaps I shouldn't have done - after all, even an average breast can seem huge from a certain perspective. But it seemed to be in line with the premise that everything is BIG in this story. (NOTE: Normally proportioned people often have satisfying sex too.)

(PASSING THOUGHT: But is this, perhaps, intended as a sendup? I'm not sure, but it could be. That might work very well.)

7. Quite a lot of that was negative but, as I said earlier, I actually liked your direct (and potentially humorous) style. I also liked the pace of what you've written so far. I hope you can preserve both. You really ought to do what the others have said and keep working at this. It could turn into something good.

- polynices

 

[Hotcappucino]

I would say that rather than it being a story, there are some quirky qualities that push it into the realm of poetry. In fact, if it were reformatted just a little more, it could easily be put into that category.

 

[thickstick]

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[thickstick]

KillerMuffin, I'll try to write a full story with the elements you've described.

 

[thickstick]

thamks.