She lay sleeping.

[robertpaullocke]

She lay on the couch sleeping.
Her breath so shallow, so light.
She looks so comfortable, so safe. With child
Child asleep in her arms and with outs her knowing,
Her quiet beauty makes my heart glow. And I, I
Just watch over them both. Guarding them
From Harm. And her dogs help with being
Their security alarm.



What do you guys think?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Well, your verb tense changes here and there, which makes it confusing. "She lay" is in past tense and then you switch to present for "she looks."

And I think you mean "without her knowing" although you may just want to take that whole phrase out; I don't think it adds anything valuable.

This starts out tender, like a little still life, and then it feels like the dog thing is a sort of "punchline" at the end, which personally I don't really like.

I think the idea of the poem is very sweet, but the writing itself could use some tweaking.

but anyway, welcome to the forum.

bj

 

[miss_trust]

She lay on the couch sleeping.
Her breath so shallow, so light.
She looks so comfortable, so safe. With child
Child asleep in her arms and with outs her knowing,
Her quiet beauty makes my heart glow. And I, I
Just watch over them both. Guarding them
From Harm. And her dogs help with being
Their security alarm.

mind a rewrite from someone who knows Nothing of technicalities? smack my wrist if i give offense...

Her breath shallow, light
Child sleep in her arms,
she dreams and doesn't know
Quiet beauty sets my heart to glow. And I, I
watch over both woman and child. Guard, guardian.

 

[robertpaullocke]

a re write

She lies on the couch , a sleep,
lightly breathing. Her daughter
lies on top. This scene I pray
won't, stop.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

She lies on the couch , a sleep,
lightly breathing. Her daughter
lies on top. This scene I pray
won't, stop.

okay, good try. And it's excellent that you're willing to shift and edit things; that's really the first and most important requirement for a writer.

however, "asleep" is one word, unless your wife is a thing called a "sleep."

and I'd take out the comma in the last line. If you really want your reader to pause there, then make it a line break. Like this:

won't
stop.

Keep up the good work.

bj

 

[robertpaullocke]

a new idea

How can I make it seem like the words act like shallow breathes ?

 

[Francisromantic]

you can use short, one or two word rhythymic sentences to illustrate your idea--