In the past couple of weeks in my tiny city the world has just shattered. One of my son's friends got a bad headache and was rushed to the hospital and died of an aneurysm - he was 16. Then, 4 days later another friend, who was a girl that he grew up with was murdered by a couple of boys they both knew that said they did it because they had a had a morbid curiosity - they were her friends. Then, to top it all off, one of my son's 2 best friends, that he has known since kindergarten, hung himself in a tree in his backyard because his girlfriend broke up with him. We are all so completely fucked up by all of this I don't even know what else to say. I fear for my son - the poor kid has had more shit to deal with in his life....
Shattered
- Thread starter ImSkye
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RJMasters
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ImSkye said:
I am truly sorry to hear of all of this that has happened. The only advice I can offer would be for you to be open and honest with your son about how you feel. Let him know you are worried about him with all that has happened, and then let him know that you love him and no matter what will be there for him to talk or whatever he wants.
He may not wish to talk about it at all, but knowing knowing someone is there for you, and cares for you is often the best thing in times like these.
Sending you and your family thoughts of strength and calm during this time.
Betticus
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Teen children are in a state of constant flux and can fixate upon the bad things in life, it will bring them down to depths that they are not prepared to deal with. Do not leave your son alone in this but at the same time do not smother him. You will need to be especially aware of his moods and any changes in his behaviour. The one thing that I can say that may help is just to confront him but in a non threatening way if he's fuckingup and force in a kind way communication, adult to adult between you. You will have to provide guidance to him with all of this messed up stuff so that he sees that what happened to his friends was not the real world but something that they imagined.
Best of luck girl, be very cognizant of what is going on and get professional help if you feel concerned.
Best of luck girl, be very cognizant of what is going on and get professional help if you feel concerned.
Evil_Geoff
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Skye, Bett layed out some good advice, I'll add a bit more (my boys are 22 and 20 now) from the fatherly experience I have...ImSkye said:
Give him a hug. He'll grumble and protest, perhaps, or he might cling to you for dear life. Either way he'll know you love him. Hugs are good.
LISTEN. It is the greatest gift you can give your child. He'll know you care how he feels.
Allow him to feel whatever it is he is feeling. DO NOT DISCOUNT HIS EMOTIONS (see the Listen above). If he is angry, it's okay. If he is grief-stricken, it's okay. If he's numb, it's okay. Human beings respond to loss in any number of ways and trust me on this, if you never _see_ a tear, or hear a sob, he's still feeling it. Allow him to grieve in his own way.
Depending on how close you are to your son and his friends, if they are older teens (16, 17, 18-ish) offer to throw a memorial/wake, a celebration of the GOOD things in the lives of those young people so tragically cut short. For teens, don't serve the beer or liquor, but you get the idea. It re-inforces the idea that their friends lives were valuable, important, that their memory has meaning.
{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}
You will survive this, painful as it may be. My thoughts and prayers for you and your son.
Ebonyfire
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ImSkye said:
I am so sorry for your losses.
It made we think about how much harder it is for our children to grow up in this world. I grew up in the fifties and although there was plenty of things going on at that time, I managed to have a mostly carefree childhood in a metropolitan city...Chicago.
Eb
Daddyslilpet
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ImSkye... My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your son.
Ebonyfire
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Evil_Geoff said:
Damn that is good advice. It works! When my daughter was 12 years old her best friends father put a gun to his forehead and pulled the trigger. The wife was on the phone to 911 when he pulled it. My daughter was stunned, her friend was never the same again. But I remember the hugs and kisses we (adults) passes around, and the support that the school, neighbors and others gave. Now Lena is 26, and I think she came out well, but she does remember those days, and she is sad. There are other challenges she has had to face too, and all I can do sometimes is hug, kiss, and listen her vent.
Eb
tealsphynx
It Goes Both Ways...
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Hugs. I would watch him carefully. My sister didn't have that many tragedies in her life, but what did happen managed to mess her up really well. she's still not recovered dispite her insisting that she is. I would really suggest some counseling, even if he doesn't want to go, maybe do it together as a family, but some one who isn't involved in all of it could help listen without judging and help him work it out so he can deal with it in a healthy way. My sister ended up almost completely self destructing with drugs/alchohol and denied it the whole time. She also did cutting as a self therapy, and has admitted to being masochistic, but I always monitored her cutting, checked her body while she slept or got dressed so if it looked like it was getting worse or really deep I could redflag it and get her some help. She hated when we took her to counselling and we only did a few weeks, but it helped. Her cutting got less and she stopped drawing morbid art. I'd keep an eye on his writing in school, his answers to assignments, any changes in family time habits, unexplainable yelling at family members, saying things like "just leave me alone" "stop harassing me" in respons to things like "how was school today". It's tough to watch a loved one have to go through serious grief. My heart goes out to you and your son and the families in the area.Rebellious_Sub
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Ebonyfire said:
This is so true. I actually did witness my mother's suicide when I was 9 yrs old. It was the most tragic thing I have ever faced. She also used a gun. (She obviously had mental issues as well which no one in the family cared to address.)
My family's reaction to this was to tell me (at first) lies, that I would see mom again soon. My mind had blocked out the moments leading up to and including the suicide for some weeks... This was the wrong thing to do. Acknowelegement goes so far.
The first person to truly get to the heart of this issue was actually a school couselor years later, when I was in high school. He simply LISTENED. He never made judgement, he never gave advice, but as my heart was breaking, as I was recounting the events that had transpired years before, he put a hand over my own trembling one and just sat quietly.
The second mistake was one that my family had drilled into me over and over again... and I am sure their intentions were good.. but the results are still resounding in my heart.
I never recieved any kind of counseling besides that my school counselor provided in moments when I would seek him out. My family always and to this day says things such as, "She's a tough one, can withstand anything." ... My heart and mind rebel against that entire concept. I am alive, but am I living? Depression overwhelms me now. I am in treatment as an adult, trying to recover.
*sigh* ... I guess the best advice has been given, I am just here, trying to show what can and does happen when the adults around assume a child is always about to rebound without need or want of assistance... maybe even for myself- speaking my own story, looking for that quiet reassurance that the worst is over.
