Shattered - help on poem, please

[Hippokrene]

I wrote this poem. I can't figure out if it's any good or what I should do with it. Thank you.

Shattered:

If you love me
why did you throw my kettle across the room?
You stormed out
and left me to pick up crème ceramic pieces
with little blue flowers painted on them.
Left me to dab ointment on the spots
where scalding water slashed my skin.
Left me to cry over another dozen shards
I could never put back together
Only toss away.

I shatter when you scream at me.
I shatter when you blow hot smoke in my face.
I shatter when you tell me how miserable I make you.

I can mend
and there's always enough of me left
to hold my love for you.

Please come back.
Please don't toss me away.

 

[Liar]

I wrote this poem. I can't figure out if it's any good or what I should do with it. Thank you.

Shattered:

If you love me
why did you throw my kettle across the room?
You stormed out
and left me to pick up crème ceramic pieces
with little blue flowers painted on them.
Left me to dab ointment on the spots
where scalding water slashed my skin.
Left me to cry over another dozen shards
I could never put back together
Only toss away.

I shatter when you scream at me.
I shatter when you blow hot smoke in my face.
I shatter when you tell me how miserable I make you.

I can mend
and there's always enough of me left
to hold my love for you.

Please come back.
Please don't toss me away.

Hi and welcome to the forum!

I haven't had time to look closely at your poem yet, but from a first read of it, my spontaneous reaction is this:

Keep the first half of it (marked bold in the quote above). It pretty much says everything that needs to be said, and it says it bloody well too (especially the first 5 lines imo). Focusing on a detail and without bopping the reader too much on the head about it, draws parallells from the detail to the bigger picture.

The rest of the poem seems to just repeat the same sentiment again and in a much less interresting way. There you're just telling the reader what you feel whereas in the first half with the kettle, you showed it, and therefore made me feel with you.

Well, that's my 2c, hope it's of any use for you.

 

[LeBroz]

I wrote this poem. I can't figure out if it's any good or what I should do with it. Thank you.

Shattered:

If you love me
why did you throw my kettle across the room?
You stormed out
and left me to pick up crème ceramic pieces
with little blue flowers painted on them.
Left me to dab ointment on the spots
where scalding water slashed my skin.
Left me to cry over another dozen shards
I could never put back together
Only toss away.

I shatter when you scream at me.
I shatter when you blow hot smoke in my face.
I shatter when you tell me how miserable I make you.

I can mend
and there's always enough of me left
to hold my love for you.

Please come back.
Please don't toss me away.

I think Liar's almost dead on. My suggestion is to drop these elements in bold red. Keep those last two lines, although you might want to rearrange them to read:

Come back please.
Don't toss me away.

I think these last two lines give meaning to the poem and heightens a sense of loss.

Good luck.

 

[WickedEve]

Liar's suggestion, a good suggestion, is what anyone (anyone who really knows poetry) would tell you.
Please do not keep the last two lines. They cause major suckage.

 

[LeBroz]

Liar's suggestion, a good suggestion, is what anyone (anyone who really knows poetry) would tell you.
Please do not keep the last two lines. They cause major suckage.

.
Thinking about this is bugging me; you're right, those last two lines should go as well. They're implicitly suggested in the first part. Keeping them sounds wimpy. Most poems aren't stories with an ending and resolution and that's the trap I walked into with my suggestion.
.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'd also get rid of the "Only toss away" line. The first 9 lines say all that needs to be said, and do it well. The rest only either repeat and weaken or just weaken.

 

[bluerains]

I wrote this poem. I can't figure out if it's any good or what I should do with it. Thank you.

Shattered:

If you love me
why did you throw my kettle across the room?
You stormed out
and left me to pick up crème ceramic pieces
with little blue flowers painted on them.
Left me to dab ointment on the spots
where scalding water slashed my skin.
Left me to cry over another dozen shards
I could never put back together
Only toss away.

I shatter when you scream at me.
I shatter when you blow hot smoke in my face.
I shatter when you tell me how miserable I make you.

I can mend
and there's always enough of me left
to hold my love for you.

Please come back.
Please don't toss me away.

the poem has image..I would use different words that 3 shatters..
maybe along these lines..just a thought to ponder...welcome to lit..blue

I shatter when you scream at me.
I fade when you blow hot smoke in my face.
I turn to stone.when you tell me how miserable I make you.