Sharing wife with dom questions

[Blue_Duck]

Hello folks!

My wife and I have been married for a little over 20ish years.

I’ve shared her (she plays alone) and she and I have played in threesomes over the course of the last 10ish years.

We’ve had a blast in the lifestyle and have enjoyed ourselves much. Also we have grown closer together through these experiences.

Recently we have met a man (on line) who is a self described dom. She seems to enjoy chatting with him.

He’s described to me how he hopes to develop her as well as the powerful relationship that might result between them (assuming she is interested in this newly discovered lifestyle).

With the above said, have any of you experienced such an arrangement? Any specific things I should be worried with or concerned about?

I’ve got much research to do while attempting to answer these questions on my own.

Appreciate any feedback you might be able to share!

 

[ToPleaseHim]

A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. It sounds like he is expecting theirs to be a deep relationship, and possibly long-lasting, not just a play relationship. Are you prepared for that and is that something you’re comfortable with?

Yes, a D/s relationship requires a high level of trust and strong connections are often formed, but I don’t think they are necessarily stronger than loving vanilla relationships.

I would encourage you to have defined expectations (rules?) about whether or not his instructions can interfere with your relationship with your wife. For instance, can he order to to abstain from sex for a period of time, thus forbidding the two of you from having sex. Can he text her instructions while you and she are eating dinner together and require an immediate response?

 

[Blue_Duck]

A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. It sounds like he is expecting theirs to be a deep relationship, and possibly long-lasting, not just a play relationship. Are you prepared for that and is that something you’re comfortable with?

Yes, a D/s relationship requires a high level of trust and strong connections are often formed, but I don’t think they are necessarily stronger than loving vanilla relationships.

I would encourage you to have defined expectations (rules?) about whether or not his instructions can interfere with your relationship with your wife. For instance, can he order to to abstain from sex for a period of time, thus forbidding the two of you from having sex. Can he text her instructions while you and she are eating dinner together and require an immediate response?

Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply!

I’m fine (excited!) with regard to your first question.

Your second question gives me a bit of pause. Of those things he asks of her brings her pleasure and heaviness, then I’m 100 percent on board.

But I’ll be honest, I had not considered those things you discussed in your last paragraph/second question.

Looks like if got some more reason to do!

Thanks again!

 

[Master_Doctor]

Hello folks!

My wife and I have been married for a little over 20ish years.

I’ve shared her (she plays alone) and she and I have played in threesomes over the course of the last 10ish years.

We’ve had a blast in the lifestyle and have enjoyed ourselves much. Also we have grown closer together through these experiences.

Recently we have met a man (on line) who is a self described dom. She seems to enjoy chatting with him.

He’s described to me how he hopes to develop her as well as the powerful relationship that might result between them (assuming she is interested in this newly discovered lifestyle).

With the above said, have any of you experienced such an arrangement? Any specific things I should be worried with or concerned about?

I’ve got much research to do while attempting to answer these questions on my own.

Appreciate any feedback you might be able to share!

Frankly, I have more experience from the other side of the coin. Ive been the Dom to someone else's wife. While I have shared my subs on occasion, its generally for straight sex... not to be Dominated.

However, I couldnt agree more with everything ToPleaseHim has said. Espesually the part of having clear rules/ expectations / boundries expresses before they are in the same room... Protect yourself and your wife is your priority. Some Doms... tend to take/keep what they want after they have the opportunity. Its like the take of the Frog and the Scorpion. Its in our nature...

 

[Blue_Duck]

Frankly, I have more experience from the other side of the coin. Ive been the Dom to someone else's wife. While I have shared my subs on occasion, its generally for straight sex... not to be Dominated.

However, I couldnt agree more with everything ToPleaseHim has said. Espesually the part of having clear rules/ expectations / boundries expresses before they are in the same room... Protect yourself and your wife is your priority. Some Doms... tend to take/keep what they want after they have the opportunity. Its like the take of the Frog and the Scorpion. Its in our nature...

Thanks for the reply!

Sounds like boundaries (defining/establishing) will be something we all discuss.

I’m truly excited for my wife and am hopeful she and he are able to connect.

 

[ultramarineblue]

One thing I would add is that the discussion should be open and ongoing. Feelings and boundaries may change as all of you get to know one another. Jealousy and other emotions will likely happen. Determine why those feelings arise. New relationship energy is definely a thing.

 

[LauraWilling]

My husband sometimes shared me with a few Dom's, but they were people we both knew or at least one of us knew and trusted. That's the important thing knowing you can both trust a Dom.

Also there should be definite boundaries that all agree with as others have stated. I agree this guy sounds like he is looking for a long term relationship. If that is the case, I feel you all need to agree to revisit the boundaries after a short while and where everyone is emotionally with this. Personally I feel you really need to look at this from all angles and everyone involved perspective.

I'd be very careful and be sure all, especially you and your wife are comfortable and realize there could be consequences with something like this. Proceed with caution and lots of research.

 

[Master_Doctor]

Thanks for the reply!

Sounds like boundaries (defining/establishing) will be something we all discuss.

I’m truly excited for my wife and am hopeful she and he are able to connect.

You are very welcome. One suggestion I would suggest that adds in nicely to what has already been said. A Contract. If your Dom wants something long term.. then make a contract that needs to be renewed every 3-6 months. Many subs have contracts with Doms... even long term (years of time together) may have an annual renewal. In a LT loving relationship ive even seen this used as a way for both to be excited because even if you both KNOW its going to be renewed... you still have that time of renegotiation to make sure that all parties are getting their needs met. I do mean all. In your case.. all three of you. If he is an experienced Dom... a contract should not be a surprise or offensive. A contract is a excellent way for all rules/boundries to be expressly show... and can be looked back at... memories are.. malible. Most cant remember what was exactly said/agreed upon. But if you have it in writing. Well lets just say it keeps everyone honest and helps with the trust. If somoene gets defensive about it... well then there is your flashing red flag that its a bad idea to proceed.

My hope is that all parties have a good time. Thats what true ethical poly is all about.

Good Luck!

 

[seela]

Sound advice all around.

But I'd also like to point out that not wanting or needing a contract is not a red flag. Not everyone does it, doesn't mean they're walking red flags.

In my close to 20 years of dabbling in BDSM (holy crap writing that made me feel myself super old) I've never had one and I've never personally known anyone who has one.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Sound advice all around.

But I'd also like to point out that not wanting or needing a contract is not a red flag. Not everyone does it, doesn't mean they're walking red flags.

In my close to 20 years of dabbling in BDSM (holy crap writing that made me feel myself super old) I've never had one and I've never personally known anyone who has one.

Seconded. It's great to communicate and establish expectations, and a contract is one way to achieve that, but it's not the only option.

Whatever option you pick, it's probably worth leaving room to update and renegotiate the arrangement over time, rather than treating it as fixed for all eternity. People change, their self-knowledge changes, and their circumstances change.

 

[Islander55]

Interesting reading. I have dabbled lightly in the BDSM lifestyle with hubby but have wondered what it would be like with a true Dom.

 

[Blue_Duck]

I can’t thank you all enough for your input and feedback! Thanks so very much!

 

[LisaVegas]

For us it is regular communication...

I see two Dom's from the BDSM group I am part of. Hubby knows both and they talk regularly. We voie any and all concerns and we all do our best to accomodate all involved.

At the very least it removes some doubt and mystery and my hubby can relax knowing I am safe when he can't be there.