Shameless begging for feedback (non-erotic)

[drksideofthemoon]

I'm not a poet, so I would like some of you more poetic types to take a look at this one...sort of a cowboy kinda ballad thing...and let me know what's good and bad about it....thanks....

Cowpoke's Lament

 

[flyguy69]

I'm not a poet, so I would like some of you more poetic types to take a look at this one...sort of a cowboy kinda ballad thing...and let me know what's good and bad about it....thanks....

Cowpoke's Lament

Post the poem, please.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Post the poem, please.

Cowpoke's Lament

I sat across from an old cowpoke,
He looked at me, and I at he,
And then I said, old son, where have you been,
And what did you see.

His old grey eyes looked me over, and came his reply
Down from the Brazos, the Pecos, and the Red,
Up to the Snake and down the Rio Grande,
With my pards, most now long dead.

From the mountains and deserts,
All across Texas, and all the flat land,
I jingled horses, an’ punched cattle,
For most near every brand.

I’ve only got one more wish says he,
With a voice most steady and strong,
Make me a promise, and swear it so,
The last roundup is nigh and I ain’t got long.

Take from me my saddle and spurs,
Sing a song of joy, I need no dirge,
Scatter my ashes to the four winds,
Bury my bones not in the cold earth.

And I’ll be riding once again,
With my chums that I knew afore,
We’ll ride the last roundup up in the sky,
And he closed his eyes and spoke no more.

 

[Guest]

I think this has great promise but it falls between a format and free fall. The meter is totally lacking. Try reading it aloud to yourself and see how it sounds. I'm tempted to completely re-write it for you but then it wouldn't be your poem. It's really worth the effort, imo. Take another run at it.