Shadow Theatre by Cordelia

[daughter]

Shadow Theatre by Cordelia.

This poet takes a different route with the title. Nice, but is weighed down by the repetition. For me the metaphor would have been more intriguing had she opted not to label the "shadow" and simply illustrated it's presence for us. We have the title after all. Shadows are fleeting, light, elusive. The repetition rendered this clumsy and awkward. You always know its there. The lines are too short and consequently the movement of the read isn't fluid. Very different than what I have read from this poet. For me, her sonnets and minor alterations of the form are superior to this effort.

Cordelia has talent, but even the talented miss the mark from time to time. I'll pass hanging out with C's shadow, but I look forward to reading more of her work.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Senna Jawa]

Shadow Theatre by Cordelia.

This poet takes a different route with the title.

Actually, this poem may be considered a part of a series of poems, while itself it has no title. The title "Shadow Theatre" serves the whole series, not this poem itself.

Nice, but is weighed down by the repetition. For me the metaphor would have been more intriguing had she opted not to label the "shadow" and simply illustrated it's presence for us. We have the title after all.

That's a mechanical comment. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Szymborska's poem has title "Shadow", and word "shadow" appears in the text of the poem all the time. And it is a wonderful, wonderful poem, in my opinion it is simply the best Szymborska's poem.

If there is any problem here, it is rather with the word "Theater", which perhaps is not sufficiently justified by the poem.

The lines are too short and consequently the movement of the read isn't fluid. Very different than what I have read from this poet.

That's a funny comment: lines are too short

Cordelia has talent, but even the talented miss the mark from time to time. I'll pass hanging out with C's shadow, but I look forward to reading more of her work.

You are so funny, daughter. Or are you joking? Naeh, you are serious, it's so funny

Sure, this poem should be polished, it should be worked on some more. E.g. "My shadow / depends on me" is too talky, it should be rendered in a more poetic way. But as I said earlier, it is a charming poem, has imagery and movement.

Peace,

daughter

Peace,

 

[WickedEve]

Senna said "That's a funny comment: lines are too short."
Why is it funny? I know short lines work well in many poems but isn't it possible that longer lines may flow better in certain poems? I'm asking to further my education in poetry. I've had poems of mine criticized in the past for having lines too short. I still try to be aware of line length but some of mine seem to work better with shorter lines. And of course, others don't.

 

[daughter]

Senna

I'm usually serious but I'm not pretending to be an expert. I'm sharing how the read affected me. And while I am serious about respecting the poet's efforts, I don't expect the poet to take my opinion too seriously. Afterall, it is just my opinion.

I'm not the least interested in being "right" about most things, Senna. The forum says "Discussion & Feedback". If you post it, there is an assumption you want feedback. I give it. What the poet does with it, is her business. It is her poem.

Part of the hesitation with giving an opinion is that someone else will come along and critique your comment and instead of focusing on the poem, which should be the center of attention.

Nobody wants to look stupid either so if there is the possibilty of giving a "wrong"observation and being called on it, some feel why give your opinion.

Glad you got a chuckle.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Senna

The forum says "Discussion & Feedback". If you post it, there is an assumption you want feedback. I give it. What the poet does with it, is her business. It is her poem.

If you look at the new poems thread, one of the most active threads here, you'll see that we mostly comment on poetry we like. At one time we reviewed many poems on this forum: the good, the bad, and the ugly! We learned as much from the "bad" reviews as we did the good ones. I remember UP tearing into my earlier poems. I laughed, I was embarrassed, I learned. lol

I don't think Cordelia has read your comments yet, daughter. But if I was her I'd be very pleased with them. It's wonderful to have someone take the time to review your work and give honest, constructive criticism. I personally don't want comments that tell me I'm wearing a pretty pair of shoes but leave out the fact that toilet paper is trailing behind the heel.

 

[Cordelia]

my goodness!

daughter and Senna,

Thank you so much for the comments. I was a little taken aback (and extremely flattered) to see my poem get this attention.

I am new-ish to the boards and new-ish to writing serious poetry. I appreciate comments of all sorts, and I really enjoy hearing opinions of my poetry, good, bad, or otherwise. As long as it is constructive.

As many may know, I tend to write in poetic forms. There are many reasons why I do this, but I won't discuss that here. Once in a while, however, my mind relaxes enough to write in free verse and not come out soaked in cliches. This poem was one instance.

I have a difficult time writing in free verse and not sounding adolescent. And I really appreciate Senna's and daughter's opinions on this. It is so rare to get such learned and helpful commentary. As I do with all opinions, I will take away what I can from these.

daughter:

I tend to use lengthy lines in my poetry, and I was playing with the flow of the shorter lines in this. I do tend to agree with you on line length, however.

Senna:

I admit to having other poems in this "series." I found, after I wrote my "Shadow Theater" sonnet (which concentrates on the Theater part of the title), that I wanted to concentrate on the shadow. I viewed all objects...walls, streets, desks... as a stage where our shadows performed. This became the inspiration for this poem.

And Eve:

I agree... All feedback is constructive. And I hope I become a better poet because of the wonderful variety of commentary.


A million thanks to you all.

Honored,



Cordelia

 

[Senna Jawa]

Cordelia's poem is like a fox trot, a light dance, and relatively short lines fit her poem well.

There is no such thing as too long lines, too short lines. It all depends on their context. There are poems which have lines 1-syllable long, others have 13 and more. Occasionally I had lines which had but one letter, not even a syllable; and Cummings of course did a long time ago.

The line length may vary within the same poem, to reflect changes in the mood, to reflect on the difference between different characters, different sceneries, different times, and for other reasons.

 

[daughter]

Cordelia

I'm not the expert Senna is so I am pleased that I said something you found useful.

I might have to remain quiet though. I'm afraid SJ will get cramped fingers correcting all my erroneous comments. LOL

He didn't find the poetry collection I sent him useless. He was quite gracious then and thanked me for providing the prize for WE's contest.

Peace,

daughter