Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 3,272
We are so super here that nothing but 5 will do as a vote (and even 1 is better than 4 
). So, I either didn't bother with voting or fived. Scale 1-5 is quite crude hence 5 doesn't have to mean a perfect poem. (BTW, I don't vote on my own poems and I won't even comment on mine).
Now let me mention those which I did like, regardless of their minor flaws, if any. It's just my opinion, not terribly important, and others may feel different.
First the "Theater" poems (I stick to the Lauren's order of links).
I didn't have to read the title, since we all know that the title is "Shadow Theater" (or "... Theatre"), I just read the Angeline's poem, I liked it. I was surprized by her usage of "u" and "ur". Then I looked at the title somehow and saw the reason for "u" and "ur", oh no, thank you (I mean: thank U), Angeline. Such a moody poem, in a way with which I can identify, a bit like in my poems overall, even if I can't name any specific one. Your poem is a nocturne.
I was very happy to read Judo's terzanelle. Beautiful! Since I joined Literotica I knew that Judo is a true talent, and she has proven it again.
Eve's poem is simple, direct, moody, very nice.
Now "Theatre" poems.
The one by Cordelia is charming I would avoid a reference to poetry though. And the last line doesn't belong to this poem, or hardly to any (with its scientific tone). But these are details, easy to fix. It's a lovely poem. reminds me a bit of a great poem, "Shadow" by Wislawa Szymborska (a Nobel Prize winner ).
Chloes poem is perhaps poetic prose, but never mind formal distinctions. I liked its moody melody and repetitive phrases. Great last line too! The poem is somewhat raw, it should be worked on. Possibly too many "And" at the beginning of the phrases. (I am not sure if the melody is flawless everywhere, as beautiful as it is. Also, there is a typo in the sentence with cicada). Possibly I would think about a few other things but all together we get a great mixture of images and fantasy.
Rybka's haiku is great (this time Literotica got haiku-lucky ). One may see different images, and among them people who bend against the gusts and from cold, while their shadows bow. A beautiful, moonlit image.
darkmaas' poem is complex, ambitious. I would like more clarity, but possibly it is only my own shortcoming. A very nice, mature art.
Lauren's poem is raw here and there, begs for further working on it, but it is ambitious, has a lot of good stuff in it. Tundalus makes for a very apt reference in this kind of a poem, great (but make it more direct! without that "like" construction).
---
Oh, well, so much for now, and please, don't pay attention to me rather than get discouraged.
Regards,
Senna Jawa
PS. By a mistake I had a wrong name in place of darkmaas at first. I have corrected this mistake, for which I apologize.
). So, I either didn't bother with voting or fived. Scale 1-5 is quite crude hence 5 doesn't have to mean a perfect poem. (BTW, I don't vote on my own poems and I won't even comment on mine).Now let me mention those which I did like, regardless of their minor flaws, if any. It's just my opinion, not terribly important
, and others may feel different.First the "Theater" poems (I stick to the Lauren's order of links).
I didn't have to read the title, since we all know that the title is "Shadow Theater" (or "... Theatre"), I just read the Angeline's poem, I liked it. I was surprized by her usage of "u" and "ur". Then I looked at the title somehow and saw the reason for "u" and "ur", oh no, thank you (I mean: thank U), Angeline. Such a moody poem, in a way with which I can identify, a bit like in my poems overall, even if I can't name any specific one. Your poem is a nocturne.
I was very happy to read Judo's terzanelle. Beautiful! Since I joined Literotica I knew that Judo is a true talent, and she has proven it again.
Eve's poem is simple, direct, moody, very nice.
Now "Theatre" poems.
The one by Cordelia is charming
I would avoid a reference to poetry though. And the last line doesn't belong to this poem, or hardly to any (with its scientific tone). But these are details, easy to fix. It's a lovely poem. reminds me a bit of a great poem, "Shadow" by Wislawa Szymborska (a Nobel Prize winner ).Chloes poem is perhaps poetic prose, but never mind formal distinctions. I liked its moody melody and repetitive phrases. Great last line too! The poem is somewhat raw, it should be worked on. Possibly too many "And" at the beginning of the phrases. (I am not sure if the melody is flawless everywhere, as beautiful as it is. Also, there is a typo in the sentence with cicada). Possibly I would think about a few other things but all together we get a great mixture of images and fantasy.
Rybka's haiku is great (this time Literotica got haiku-lucky
). One may see different images, and among them people who bend against the gusts and from cold, while their shadows bow. A beautiful, moonlit image.darkmaas' poem is complex, ambitious. I would like more clarity, but possibly it is only my own shortcoming. A very nice, mature art.
Lauren's poem is raw here and there, begs for further working on it, but it is ambitious, has a lot of good stuff in it. Tundalus makes for a very apt reference in this kind of a poem, great (but make it more direct! without that "like" construction).
---
Oh, well, so much for now, and please, don't pay attention to me rather than get discouraged.
Regards,
Senna Jawa
PS. By a mistake I had a wrong name in place of darkmaas at first. I have corrected this mistake, for which I apologize.
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