Sexually incompatible??

[eMVee]

Hiya all.....have been hiding out here reading everyone's posts for over a year now, and have finally decided to post!

My partner and I have been together and I really think that we're totally different people sexually. I have what I would consider a normal sex drive (a few times a week would suit me fine, oh, and I'm female btw) and he seems quite happy to go months without having sex at all.

He barely initiates sex, maybe 3-4 times in the last year, leaving me to initiate sex and inevitably get rejected far more often than I get any kind of positive response.

When we first got together he would just refuse completely, and we would go months without any sexual contact at all. About two years ago he started "taking care of me", but we aren't having actual intercourse. It's gotten to the point where I feel like he's just getting me off to shut me up as I try and communicate how I feel when we aren't intimate. He does the exact same thing, everytime, and doesn't take any of my suggestions.

Even worse, he doesn't like me touching him at all. He is extremely sensitive and says that when anyone or anything touches his skin, it feels like things crawling on him I can only touch his dick on the rare occasions we do actually have intercourse.

We have been to a doctor and physically my partner is fine. And I know he isn't cheating on me.

We are supposed to be getting married in September, but I'm really not sure what will happen. I thought things were improving but it's not. In all other ways we always manage to sort things out and I definitely love him.

I've tried the whole dressing up thing, indulging in fantasies, communicating etc, nothing is working. He says he wants me but he just doesn't do anything.

Is there really such a thing as being sexually incompatible?? And if there is, can anyone suggest ANYTHING that I can do to either be happy with what we have or to get more from my partner?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated Thank you in advance and sorry for rambling on so long!

 

[eMVee]

Oh, and I thought I had mentioned it, but I didn't...we've been together 5 years.

 

[Xectxny19X]

OMG, that sounds horrible. You've tried the doctor hu and they couldn't recommend any type of pills for him? How old is he?

 

[SweetErika]

Welcome Emvee!

As a longtime reader, I'm guessing you've seen the multitude of threads on mismatched libidos and incompatibility, as well as the effects it has on self-esteem, trust, and the relationship. Generally my advice would be to communicate, have him checked out, and try new things, but it sounds like you've done all of that and more with no success. What about individual and couples therapy? It seems like there's something really going on with him that no amount of initiating or spicing it up will likely fix.

What evidence do you have or what's giving you faith that this will improve? What is your intuition telling you? Would you stay with him if there was a chance the situation wouldn't improve?

 

[dagdag]

I am sorry to hear that, but as long as he is interested in working out with you on a solution, there is hope. But in the end it may not work out to your liking.

So, the question remains; is the rest of your relationship will make it a good one that you both can keep. Or, are you going to be miserable without sex, and turn your relationship to a nightmare to both of you, are you going to be looking for extramarital relationships etc. And, there may not be anything wrong with these other relationships if you both know, and accept it as a way of life.

Though decisions, good luck.

 

[Bobmi357]

He barely initiates sex, maybe 3-4 times in the last year, leaving me to initiate sex and inevitably get rejected far more often than I get any kind of positive response.

Welcome to Lit eMVee.

You have a tough choice in front of you. You've spent 5 years with this man and he's basically shown zero sexual interest in you. Its not an uncommon thing, although I do think it might be rarer in males than females (but I could be wrong).

In any event, the doc says everything is fine with him, the counciling didn't work. Now you have to ask yourself this all important question, a question that only you can answer.

"Are you willing spend your life in a sexless marriage? Is sex all that important to you?"

Let me say right now that if a Doc told me my wife would die if we had sex, I'd say ok and go without having sex with her, but I'm also sure she and I would make some sort of arrangements. Sex isn't like water or air or food. You can live without. Personally I wouldn't want to try it though.

Frankly I'd be telling him "We get this problem solved or there will be no marriage!". Marriage bestows certain rights and obligations on the married couple. Including a "reasonable" attempt to see to the sexual needs of your partner.

I would be seriously questioning his motivation here. Is he sure he wants to get married? To me it sounds like he's doing what others expect him to do and not what he wants to do. Barring medical or mental problems, I can think of few reasons why a man would not be interested in loving his mate.

In any event eMVee, its not really your problem until you say "I do". And frankly I think you'd be nuts to say "I do" until this is resolved to your satisfaction.

Think this over carefully. Sure you think he's great in all ways but this "little tiny area", but that little tiny area can grow to be a major bone of contention.

 

[SweetErika]

After reading Bobmi's comments, I'm curious...do you share any other touching or affection? He doesn't like to be touched, but does he touch, hug, kiss, caress, snuggle you? Does he try to make up for the lack of sex in words and actions? What are you getting out of this relationship?

 

[beingbrave]

I read a study recently about a certain percent of the population who were not sexual, do you think this might be the case with him?
Does he show any sexual interest in anything or anyone?
Other things that shut a person down sexually can be underlying religious beliefs (ie sex is wrong), a history of abuse, latent homosexuality. I am sure there are more.
I guess it matters how much sex means to you whether you should marry him or not. Given what I have seen in other people's marriages the situation will probably continue unless there is a reason found and a solution that works for both of you.
How would he feel about you having a lover?

 

[dgbrbr]

I'm new here but I've seen this before. Years ago my wifes best friend was married to a man like this. Within 3 years and 2 kids she was having afairs and ended up leaving him. Unless you are willing to give up sex run for the hills.

 

[LadyJeanne]

As a woman, I just can't imagine making a marriage commitment with someone who isn't passionate with me and about me. I'd feel that something really important was missing.

Sex isn't just about the physcial act of getting someone off or 'taking care of you' as you stated. Through sex, you express your love and passion, and communicate some of the deep, intimate emotions you feel toward your partner in a way you can't express through words. It would be hard for me to connect with someone in a forever way without that kind of communication. It would be just too awful to imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who says my touch makes his skin crawl - how do you manage it???

You must be feeling something really good from him if you've stayed with him for 5 years without much sex. If that's the case, please go to couples counseling. This won't get better on its own.

 

[Mysteryman5500]

Originally Posted by eMVee
Even worse, he doesn't like me touching him at all. He is extremely sensitive and says that when anyone or anything touches his skin, it feels like things crawling on him I can only touch his dick on the rare occasions we do actually have intercourse.

We have been to a doctor and physically my partner is fine

I know you said "we have been to a doctor" Was this an MD or a Psycologist! Because it dosent sound like any physical problume. From the statment above "He is extremely sensitive and says that when anyone or anything touches his skin, it feels like things crawling on him" It sounds more like a Psycological problume!!!
I know that it is hard on a relationship if sexual compatibility is an issue! (trust me I know). I would highly sugest that you need to be verry candid with him before you get married!!!!!!! You need to work this out NOW before you tie the Knot because if you do not it will only get worse after you are married. You need to tell him what is on you mind and you need to tell him your needs and If he dosen't respond well to what you have to say you should let him know that this is something YOU need in a relationship and that it is something that if not worked out than maybe you should not get married!! (TRUST ME YOU NEED TO WORK THESE ISSUES OUT NOW THESE ARE THINGS THAT WILL ONLY MAGNIFY AND GET WORSE IF THEY ARE NOT WORKED OUT, ESPECIALY AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED)
Good Luck The MM

 

[Lynxie]

There is indeed such a thing as mismatched sex drives and incompatible labidos. Sometimes people can adjust and adapt to this, but this isn't always the case. You've been with your boyfriend for a long time now - if, after five years, he hasn't changed yet, I seriously doubt he's going to.

However, there is always the potential for professional help. Have you been to a psychologist? If you're still planning on marrying this man, going for therapy as a couple might be in your best interest. It would at least give you a neutral place to talk about it more in depth with each other - you'd be able to let him know exactly how much this concerns you, and maybe you'd even be able to determine why he doesn't like to be touched much. From there, you may be able to work through your mismatched sex drives and come up with a solution to the problem.

Unfortunately, professional help doesn't work for every couple. If this is the case with you, then you need to do some serious soul-searching to find out if marriage is really what you want with this man. Sure, marriage is not entirely about sex... but it's definitely a factor that should be taken into consideration. You need to figure out what you're getting out of this relationship and weigh your priorities. Marriage is not a quick fix for problems - they'll likely only get worse with time. You've got some hard decisions to make ~ I hope you're able to figure out what's best for you. Good luck

 

[SexyChele]

If you've been with this man for 5 years and this has been his behavior throughout those 5 years, then, uh, he ain't gonna change.

He could have intimacy problems (you don't speak to whether he shows affection towards you and in what ways), psychological problems (the feeling of things crawling on him when he is touched), or simply a low sex drive. You do not mention his age, and that could play a factor. You say you went to the doctor and everything checks out. Did the doc check his testosterone levels? It isn't normally included in a physical and unless a patient expressly tells his doctor his libidio seems low, I doubt they test for it.

As for marriage? Don't expect him to change or you to change him. Unless there is a physical problem that he can have his doctor take care of, or if there is some psychological issues, this is simply your man. Take him or leave him. Many times people have mis-matched sex drives, and sometimes they occur over the period of a person's life. However, if this has been his behavior over the past 5 years, this is probably going to be his behavior in the next 5 years. And, don't forget, as people age their sex drives normally diminish a bit, so it may actually get worse.

If you can live with what you have now, then continue on with marriage. If you have any doubt or disappointment, then call off the wedding until he can get things checked out or you can decide if this is what you want to live with.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Run - as fast as you can..........

 

[Cathleen]

A year ago I would have said, work with it, talk it out...... now I'd say DON'T get married unless you find it acceptable.

 

[smoothdevil]

Run - as fast as you can..........

I have to agree with this opinion 100000000000 % .... when pieces of a puzzle are missing, you can never complete the puzzle .... my only question is .... why are you still there and please no reply .. cos I love him ....

 

[Beam_of_lite]

DO NOT,DO NOT marry this man-if you think it will get better or even stay the same-trust me I speak from experience it will only get worse...a lot worse.It does terrible,horrible things to your ego,your self-esteem.NO sex is not everything-but when you are unable to share the pleasures and desires of passion and touch with this man...it will consume you to search for the pleasure with someone else.What once was Love will turn to resentment and hate.....don't do that to yourself

 

['lil rose]

don't do it!

Have a friend who had the same problem-but she said she loved him and married him anyway. after six months and a 14thousand dollar wedding she divorced (she later told me that she thought it would chang after they where married) it does NOT. they where out the cash for the wedding, the down payment on a house, and six months of their lives--not to menchen the self esteam isues and all. if has been this way in the past it will be that way in the futhcher.

 

[dragon_gurl]

lack of sex drive

Some people have alot of guilt about sex (like if he was raised very religious) or he may just lack a sex drive. My expierince with with marriage (i was married 2 years) is that anything that bothers you prior to be married will becomea HUGE issue after you are married.

If you are content with having a sexless marriage then marry him, if not cut your losses, and find someone who is as passionate about you as you are about them.

If i get rejected for sex by my significant other i feel rejected and unappealing, so i personally would not be happy at all in this situation.

it is something to seriously consider and try to work out proir to marriage.

 

[Vixandra]

Lay it out clearly-
Either you fix this problem together or its the end of things.

Don't trap yourself in a sex-less marriage- you'll grow to despise him over time.

I agree with some of the other postes- he would probably benefit from seeing a therapist, possibly a sexual therapist. Being touched by the woman he loves doesn't give a normal man the heebie-geebies (creepy-crawly feelings).

I know it sounds harsh to say leave someone after 5 years but I can't see living my life like that. I mean there's self pleasure but that pales in comparison to having a loving, passionate partner.

 

[phan1]

Actually, I'm not sure if I really believe in being "sexually incompatable." This doesn't seem to be like a "sex" issue, it's a "relationship" issue. Even if someone has a low sex drive, he should still try to spend some intimate time with you, because that's what you do when you really care about somebody. If you really love somebody, than you should at least make the best attempt possible to satsify the needs of someone you care about. If he's not going to try to satisfy you sexually, how is he going to try to satisfy you at all? He needs alot more than a sex therapist and a Viagra prescription IMO.

If you're not getting what you need in bed, chances are that you probably aren't getting what you need out of bed either.

 

[Shadow Thief]

n/m...