Sexually frustrated!

[Skihard]

Hello! My name is... Just call me Ski,

A little about myself: I have been a Literotica fan for some time (years) now but have finally decided to post my first thread. I am a somewhat happily married man in my early 30's and horny all the time. I have 1 child 6 years old and I live in UT, I'm about 6'2 and 170lb.

Now the reason I'm posting the thread is to ask for suggestions. I'd like to know if anyone else is having/had the same problem?

As stated above I am married (love my wife very much) and horny or want sex most the time but the wife does not, She is about 10 years older then me (that could have something to do with it?) It seems more like a job to her, she just does not crave it like I do! We do have sex about once a week and she is happy with that and thinks I should be as well, so I masturbate about once a day. I have tried talking to her about this and she just blows it off. I have tried to hear her side but no excuses really, she will blame it on work or our son or me being too high of a sex drive but that is a load of shit! She does not work that often (just had over a month off) and my son is at school 5 days a week. My wife does not want to discuss this and that what makes me more upset, so upset that I have threatened to cheat and of coarse that does not help either LOL! It's not that she does not enjoy sex, every time we have it she usually orgasms between 2 & 3 times so that's not the problem. I am also more open to sex then her (like to try new things). I love to perform oral on her but she does not like to return the favor maybe twice a year if I'm lucky but must stop her before I cum (which is fine I guess!). I also like to use toys on her but she has the attitude just get on top stick my cock in her and get it over with. She has been more open to anal sex in the last year which I love to do and get that about once every 2 months but still very hesitant with anal play not due to pain just "DIRTY" to her. She will not go to any shrink with me because she thinks there is no problem. We have been married for about 8 years and lived together for about 6 years before that. It has not always been this way, before the last 3 or 4 years we fuck like rabbits and that is what I miss/would love/need again.
Like I said before I love my wife and not ready to cheat and never have but might be up for some online fun to help my sexual needs. Once again please let me know if any suggestions.

Thanks,

 

[SweetErika]

You've been living with her since you were like 20? Did you date at all before you started living together?

If she won't go to therapy, go on your own. A good therapist can give you ideas on how to communicate your desires in positive ways (i.e., NOT threatening to cheat or giving her other ultimatums!) and help you figure out what the problem(s) might be. Tell her you're going to therapy, invite her to participate again, and then just go. You should probably find a sex-positive marriage and family therapist.

Yes, the age difference could be an issue. Women can start menopause in their forties (or sometimes even earlier). It's possible her drop in sex drive is a function of her hormone levels, although it could be due to a number of other factors as well (depression, medication, stress, etc.). Maybe she'd be up for both of you getting your hormone levels checked, just in case the gap in your libidos is being caused by a hormonal imbalance or other physical factor in one or both of you.

You also might want to consider proposing quality over quantity to her. See if she'd be willing to try making the 1-2 times a week you do have sex the best they can be. Or, maybe she'd be willing to have great sex once a week as well as engage in other intimate, but less involved, activities once or twice a week. For instance, perhaps you could give each other sensual massages, masturbate together or she wouldn't mind helping you masturbate (with her hands, letting you touch/look at her, etc.) sometimes. Or, maybe you could agree to tease each other during the week to enhance the times you do have sex.

The bottom line is, you both need to be willing to compromise and look for solutions, rather than add to your problems. A lot of people would be happy with sex once a week, and sometimes it's just easier to relax on the weekends. You need to keep that in mind, stop trying to push/make her someone she's not and be positive. She probably needs to engage more, find ways to make intimacy more enjoyable for her and be open to being sexual, even if she doesn't feel like sex.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Are you still tactile as a couple? Little gestures like hugs, holding hands, little touches and so on can often get you further than a systematic campaign for more sex. Share a bath when you're son's asleep or arrange a date night and romance her a bit... there are lots of ways you can get her to feel more romantic and open to intimacy.

Also, be aware that self image can be a problem for women as they age. Pregnancy/weight gain/gravity causes changes that are permanent and when some women dislike the way they look, their desire for sex and for more exposed positions (like doggy style) as opposed to missionary (where you can't really see her body) can fall dramatically. Try to help her feel sexy and desirable and remind her that you still find her attractive. Making her feel attractive is not the same as announcing that you're horny.

 

[Skihard]

Thank you, SweetErika & VelvetDarkness for the reply!



To answer some of your ?'s Yes, I have been with her since I was 20 and we dated very little before we moved in together (love at first sight I guess & needed a roommate) We started out more as sex buddies and fell in love shortly after that. As a couple very little touching, hugging and kissing anymore just the cuddling in bed as we sleep, but did all the time few years ago. I do try to sit by her while watching TV, hold hands while walking or arm around her but does not seem to last to long or go any farther. As far as I know we have no relationship trouble except the sex thing for me. She still tells me she loves me etc...... I can just tell/have that feeling that we are ok.



I will look into a therapist on my own and try to be more understanding of what?... I don't know? Maybe it is me and need to get over it, comes with marriage, child and being with the same person over the years. Or I might just be a sex freak! (But don't think I changed in the last few years).



Do you know of any natural libido enhancers for women(that works) I can slip her? With her approval that is LOL!



Thanks again,

 

[SweetErika]

I do try to sit by her while watching TV, hold hands while walking or arm around her but does not seem to last to long or go any farther.

Affection is about intimacy, feeling warm, cared for and connecting. If you're looking for it to lead to sex, you're probably going to be disappointed and she's going to feel pressured. Sometimes having those good feelings can lead to something sexual, but doing it with the expectation that it will is a dead end.

I will look into a therapist on my own and try to be more understanding of what?... I don't know? Maybe it is me and need to get over it, comes with marriage, child and being with the same person over the years. Or I might just be a sex freak! (But don't think I changed in the last few years).

Long term relationships have ups and downs and change over time. It's unlikely that you're a sex freak; it sounds like you just have different libidos and views on sex. That's a valid problem, and if your relationship is as strong as you say, you'll compromise and work something out over time. Hopefully the therapist will be able to get a better picture of what's going on and help you figure out some solutions. You'd be wise to stop viewing this as your wife's problem/inadequacy and start seeing it as a mutual issue that will require work on your part as well.

Do you know of any natural libido enhancers for women(that works) I can slip her? With her approval that is LOL!

If she approved, she'd do it on her own, and there'd be no 'slipping' involved.

You're getting ahead of yourself, though. You don't know if this is a physical or emotional issue on her part. If it's the latter, taking a pill isn't going to do her any good. If it's physical and something she's concerned about, she should go see her doctor about it and discuss possible solutions (including natural supplements) with him/her. Even natural stuff can cause very real interactions and problems, so she'd need to research potential supplements and make sure they don't interact with any medication(s) she may be taking or exacerbate medical conditions she may have. Again, I'd suggest suggesting that you should both get checked out physically to make sure there's not an underlying reason for the difference, and then going from there. If there's a physical problem, she might consider traditional and/or natural solutions. If there's not, she might look into what she can do on her own.

 

[unregistered]

I'm having a similar problem

 

[cebalrai]

sounds like you need your own thread

 

[unregistered]

Thanks, cebalrai

 

[Zoots_owner]

My husband and I have been together for 14 years (I'm 30 and he's 33). Lately we seem to be world's apart...

I think that you need to decide whether you're interested in fixing things or not. Once you cheat, you've kind of committed to going your separate ways, because it'll never be the same again. So you may as well decide now if you want to try to revive what you had, or not. My gut feeling is that spouses generally deserve a last-minute chance to fix things, others may disagree.

But if he's not interested in making a big effort to turn things around, I'd be the last one to tell you to waste your time with the status quo.

 

[silverwhisper]

ski, i think that erika's covered everything i would have added and more.

you mention it's been the past 3-4 years it's been this way? how old's your son, if he's in school? i'm wondering if switching from the mother to wife & lover role is difficult for her.

and for the love of pete, please don't talk about cheating as a way to manipulate or guilt her into sex. this is a behavior that can only be destructive to your relationship.

ed