Sexually Frustrated

[Clitorasmic]

Not sure if this was the appropriate thread for this post but I thought some people might have some suggestions. I'm going to post in the general thread also.

I'm looking for advice, insight, opinions, etc.

My husband and I have been going through a major dry spell. He is horny and turned on all of the time but I'm having a hard time getting into the mood to do anything. This is causing frustration for him and for myself because we used to have very active sex life and I used to be the one that he couldn't come up with.

We have been trying to come up with ideas to help us overcome. We just made a list last night but I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas to add to our list. We discussed creating a sex menu with options for the partner to choose, watching dirty movies/porn together, masturbation (for me) more often - although I do have trouble getting into it when I'm masturbating too, full body massages with oils.kbk

Having an open relationship - My husband is totally open to this idea - I am hesitant for many reasons (accidental pregnancy, safe sex, feeling like it is wrong, being able to open myself up, doing it with someone I know or a stranger, etc) Has anyone done this and had either positive/negative outcomes?

Any ideas, suggestions, insight from anyone that may have gone through something similar. I'm open to hearing any ideas. Thanks!

 

[Samsacks]

The question is why is your drive declining? Stress inside or outside the marriage? Physical changes? Emotional changes in your relationship?

Sex is about connection, so examine why the connection isn't what it used to be.

 

[Jsec8]

Frustrated

There are several reasons for your decline in sex drive. Stress can be an if one, in your marriage or life in general. Baring that, I'd look at your health. Could be a general health issue or specifically a hormone issue. If it is that I'd make a trip to the doctors and get checked out. To go from very active to nothing isn't normal and may indicate something going on.
Best of luck.

 

[ironfelix]

My partner and I went through a similar period at one point in our lives. We found ways to navigate the issues and ended up much better off. But I'm a little shy about posting much. PM me (I see you haven't got that turned on) and I could give you the benefit of our experience, for what it might be worth. No, this isn't just a cheesy line to get you chatting, you sound like someone who needs a few folks to bounce ideas around with seriously.

 

[celticlady]

From your quick summary, you indicate you had a strong, healthy drive. If this has changed, it may be your body trying to tell you something.
Once health triggers have been reviewed, look at emotional & environmental triggers.
That you are trying to find solutions is a positive step forward already!

 

[pplwatching]

The fact that you recognize the problem and want to do something about it is a great first step. You're already ahead of many couples in a similar situation.

As has been said, there may be a combination of physical and mental things going on. You may end up discovering that you have to work on both to get things back on track.

If you think that the problem may be physical, then a good place to start is with your doctor who can check your hormones. Are you taking hormonal birth control (e.g. the pill)? One of the first things that we learned when we first started having problems with desire was that her birth control could be part of the problem. We tried several changes and eventually went back to condoms, which helped.

The biggest sexual organ is the brain. I always liked the 'cooking metaphor', which says that men are like microwaves and women are more like slow cookers. Men think like men, where the press of the right button is instant-on. Women take much longer to warm up, and if you cool them down you sometimes have to start heating them up all over again.

Do you need romance or other interaction from your husband outside of the bedroom to get the slow cooker started? Does your husband spend enough time on foreplay to give you a chance to get warmed up? Are you able to make time to be intimate without distractions? Do you have kids, and are you worried about them hearing you when you have sex? Can you plan date nights with just the two of you?

The skin is also a sex organ, so it's good to see that you put massages into the list. A hot oil massage is usually the most reliable way to get my wife in the mood. My wife and I picked up a few sensual toys designed to stimulate the skin while giving us a chance to focus on each other.

I am personally not in favor of opening up a marriage, especially in your situation and given that you already have reservations and don't like the idea. In my opinion it isn't likely to end well, and you're better off staying focused on each other and working through this together.

There are more than a few threads on Lit about this subject, and many marriage focused discussions on talk about marriage dot com.

Good luck to you both

 

[Clitorasmic]

Thank you for your reply! We're pretty sure it is emotional changes and I'm trying to work through them. Just looking for ways to keep things active so that we don't cause more stress.

 

[Clitorasmic]

Thank you for your replies. I had my second baby a little over a year ago and we've kind of been up and down since then. We're pretty sure it is emotional/stress related. I'm trying to work on it but am looking for ways to try to keep things active so we don't lose the intimacy. We have a very strong relationship in general, this is our big struggle right now.

 

[pplwatching]

I had my second baby a little over a year ago and we've kind of been up and down since then.

First of all, congratulations. Second, this is very common after a baby. Are you nursing?

My wife went through this when we had two in diapers at the same time. She was touched out, worn out, and really only wanted to sleep when we went to bed. I was like your husband, ready for sex all of the time. It was not a great mix, but we got through it.

How old is your first?

 

[Hisstory]

Like above response, we had several kids and the same thing happened. My suggestion is to find time for yourselves. Its hard with kids. Its hard for mom to break away. Dad too. Being tired, everyday stress is impacting you. Find a responsible baby sitter (grandparents around?) and make time for yourselves. And do this regularly. You two need each others attention as much as the kids.

 

[Nezhul]

Not only because of stress or health, as mentioned above.

Decrease in sexual drive is a natural reaction in a woman while she cares for a baby. It's a way for the nature to keep you from getting pregnant again too soon and become overwhelmed.

You may just be experiencing this harder than before.

What I can suggest is playing in small ways more throughout the day. A bit of kissing/hugging, him slapping your ass playfully as he walks by, writing you sexy text messages while he's at work. Things like that may prove effective.
Think of this as an extended foreplay that reminds your mind of sex and arousal constantly during the day, or even several days leading up to sex.

You mentioned masturbating. Well, it can prove to be useful, but it you cum on your own it will just soothe your arousal and need for pleasure and you can end up not wanting sex that day again.
What you could try do is a bit of edging or orgasm denial. Basically, masturbate but don't cum - you can cum only with your husband. It's a fun game on its own and can be both frustrating and very fulfilling in the end. Not for everyone, but you may try that.

Also, if you have some fantasies, no matter how dark they are - you should share with your husband. Play them out more. If you are into something kinky and haven't explored it yet - it's a great time to start, because kink generally provides some extra sexual drive.

Hope you will resolve your problems. Good luck!