Sexually Frustrated / Need Sexual Pen Pal

[drvortex]

Hey all,

I'm a 27 yr old married sexually frustrated male living in Hawaii. I will never cheat on my wife but damn...only sex 3X a month isn't cutting it for me. I would like some opinions from you all. I look at porn and read erotic stories alot. I enjoy looking at the nakedness of women and fantasize while reading stories. I do masturbate alot (at least once a day). My wife doesn't care that I masturbate but she hates when I look up porn on the net and watch videos all the time to get off. But she doesn't give me the pleasure and fulfillment that I crave for her. I love my wife and love having sex with her. She knows that all so very well but still gets mad when I do those things. I can't help it, I'm a very sexual male which wants to touch and be touched often. Is this bad???

We've been having some difficulties for the past year or so with our sexual relationship. We are seeking counseling and it is working somewhat. But she caught me looking at porn about 2 wks ago and I have been left dry ever since. She blames being mad at me and also her period. However, can't she give me pleasure while she is flowing? I would think so but she doesn't...ever. Its frustrating!!! I really enjoy talking dirty to each other and asking detailed truthful questions. We don't do that either. There is nothing sexual in our relationship at all. I'm bored.

So, I want to see if anyone would like to discretely become pen pals with some benefits. Talk about fantasies and be nasty via email. I would never cheat on my wife but not sure if this would be called cheating (I dont think so). What you think?? Is this wrong?? Should I just leave this website and try and control my sexual urges? I need some advice. Thanks everyone.

Yours Truly,
Sexually Frustrated Male in Paradise

 

[Iceman67]

Frustrated

Young Son, you got yourself a heap of trouble with that gal. Take the advice of an old war horse...Fuck Counseling, Fuck kissing her ass, and Fuck living for someone elses ideas and ideals! Divorce her NOW! Get out while you are young and find a woman sexually compatable with your desires. I'm tellin'ya'...You Better Do IT!!!

 

[Bounder8]

Hear Hear

You nailed it right on the head there.

 

[BirdsWife]

Hey all,

I'm a 27 yr old married sexually frustrated male living in Hawaii. I will never cheat on my wife but damn...only sex 3X a month isn't cutting it for me. I would like some opinions from you all. I look at porn and read erotic stories alot. I enjoy looking at the nakedness of women and fantasize while reading stories. I do masturbate alot (at least once a day).

If you are a normal, healthy 27 yr. old, once a day is not a lot.

My wife doesn't care that I masturbate but she hates when I look up porn on the net and watch videos all the time to get off. But she doesn't give me the pleasure and fulfillment that I crave for her. I love my wife and love having sex with her. She knows that all so very well but still gets mad when I do those things. I can't help it, I'm a very sexual male which wants to touch and be touched often. Is this bad???

It isn't a question of 'bad'. You feel that your needs are not being fulfilled by her, yet she seems to be upset that you are finding other outlets for your very human needs. If you were choosing to look at porn instead of wanting to be intimate with her, then I could see where she would have room to complain, but in either case this is not a good situation.

We've been having some difficulties for the past year or so with our sexual relationship. We are seeking counseling and it is working somewhat. But she caught me looking at porn about 2 wks ago and I have been left dry ever since.

I don't know how long you have been going to counseling, but if this is the result, I'd say get yourself a new counselor. Withholding sex is a very immature way of dealing with the situation, and if she is unwilling to compromise on you having other safe, non-cheating outlets for your sexual needs then you two really have some major problems that go way beyond the sex issue--this seems to be more a matter of her being controlling than anything else. A good counselor would get to the root of why your wife feels she needs to have this kind of power over you, whether it be low self-esteem, feeling powerless in other areas of you relationship, or just baggage from her previous relationships.

She blames being mad at me and also her period. However, can't she give me pleasure while she is flowing? I would think so but she doesn't...ever. Its frustrating!!! I really enjoy talking dirty to each other and asking detailed truthful questions. We don't do that either. There is nothing sexual in our relationship at all. I'm bored.

I know it is too late now, but did you two ever discuss this kind of stuff before you got married? It seems like you are very sexually incompatible, but was it always this way or is this something new? Sexual issues are rarely just about the sex. I know it is difficult to do, but maybe you should try taking a step back from the situation and try to see what other issues are clouding the waters, so to speak.

So, I want to see if anyone would like to discretely become pen pals with some benefits. Talk about fantasies and be nasty via email. I would never cheat on my wife but not sure if this would be called cheating (I dont think so). What you think?? Is this wrong?? Should I just leave this website and try and control my sexual urges? I need some advice. Thanks everyone.

Cheating for the most part is very subjective and is based on the arrangement between the two people involved. The general consensus on this board is: if you have to hide it from your mate, then it is cheating. From what you have said regarding your wife's reaction to you viewing porn, it doesn't seem likely that she would be too happy about you exchanging erotic emails with other women.

And a word of caution for you if you do decide to take on an erotic pen pal.....it is very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of an online relationship, where the person you are corresponding with is always horny for you and is easily idealized to the point where your wife and her attitude towards you and sex will become more and more unattractive. There are many a person who have said, "I would never cheat on my spouse," but have ended up doing just that.

My advice to you would be to give counseling a little more time to work, but if it becomes obvious that either of you is not willing to compromise and put in the effort to make your relationship work, then get out. You two have serious communication issues that you need to resolve so you can share your healthy sexual appetite and erotic fantasies with the woman you should be sharing them with, but if that doesn't or can't happen, then you won't be doing her or yourself any favors by staying in a relationship that isn't completely fulfilling.

Yours Truly,
Sexually Frustrated Male in Paradise

Yours Truly,
La Esposa del Pajaro
a/k/a BirdsWife

 

[Noor]

Sexual pen pals do not always stay that way and married men seem so vulnerable to overattachment even those in "happy" marriages. Try and resolve things with your wife in counselling.

Frankly, I see nothing wrong in her not wanting to be intimate with you while she has her period, when I was your age the only things I seemed to be initimate with during my period were the bathroom tiles which certainly was not my choice and I was REALLY into sex then and had several lovers.

You say there is nothing sexual in your relationship now and you are bored, has it occurred you that maybe you are not pleasing her in a sexually and this is the problem? Have you talked about her wants and needs?

Noor

 

[Iceman67]

HELP! pen pals

Get a grip on the feminine psychobabble you are feeding this poor boy, Noor! He needs advice from people who have had marriages just like his and all they wound up with was an empty bank account, a broken heart, and a stiff tool that had not been properly tended to in years. A woman that pulls the kind of crap like she has is just going to make his life freaking miserable. Listen up, son. Before this woman brow beats you one more day, you get a lawyer and leave her in the dust! The money wasted on counseling would go a long way toward paying for a divorce. When the smoke clears you go find a woman that has a furnace burning down below like you do! Don't wait for miracles to happen, Hoss. They never do. I also would like to say that a woman trying to give a man advice in a matter such as this is a waste of time. Believe me, son...they all think alike. Amen and pass the ammunition1

 

[bamagirl]

iceman you sound very bitter. sorry you are so unhappy

drvortex I think the girls gave excelent advice

good luck sweetheart

 

[LorriLove]

hiya

hiya love, sorry to hear of your troubles, everyone's told you loads and i can't add much.

the girls are telling you to sort it out with her and carry on with counseling, don't rely on the counseling too heavy hun, them folks just want your money most of the time. i had counseling recently, (first time in my life), something different to your prob. i wound up telling the fucking idiot woman to screw it and walked out.

you got to sort this between you. talk to her, make her listen, sit the bitch down and shout if you have to, and this is a woman talking, i know these things been there, my hubby sorted me out with a good long chat or several. umm... my problem was the opposite to your wife's though, i wanted too much and didn't care where i got it

thing is honey, the guys here are also close to the mark, if you can't make this work, get out of it. if she refuses to talk, make a try at a splitting up for a test, a couple of months maybe.

you've got to look at the broader picture as well, how's the rest of your relationship? does she love you, or is she just using you, do you love her, or are you trying to use her???

finally take care with online contacts, i'm a bird, but i guess a good 40 percent of the female lit members who like to talk dirty, are actually blokes playing silly games. don't let them fuck with you head and heart honey.

lorri xxxx

 

[Iceman67]

Happy As A Pig In Slop!

Hell, BamaGirl, my shrink got my medication right about 2 years ago and I feel wonderful! I just don't want to see another man be hunkered, humbled, and brow beat. Too many of those around as it is!

 

[bamagirl]

Re: Happy As A Pig In Slop!

Hell, BamaGirl, my shrink got my medication right about 2 years ago and I feel wonderful! I just don't want to see another man be hunkered, humbled, and brow beat. Too many of those around as it is!

but not all women are like that

we are also hurt and used you know.
we all have a story to tell,but we don't give up hope on finding that right person

 

[Iceman67]

Gender Warfare! Man Battle Stations!

There is no doubt that the majority of men are heartless pigs and that description fits me perfectly if you consult some of my ex -wives and old flames. But the bad treatment they recieved from me was at the end of the relationship and they had brought it all on themselves by treating me like they owned me, not married to me in a 50-50 relationship. I know dozens and dozens of men that were in the same boat. My two exes eventually
grew cold and distant even though I treated them like Queens and tried to talk the situation over with them to smooth the rough waters out. Did they wanna hear it? Hell No! They just wanted all my cash and proprerty(and GOT most of it). This girl he is married to is the classic controller and if he doesn't kiss her ass totally, completely, every fucking day she will not only treat him like shit but also talk about him like a dog behind his back to friends and family. She don't want a husband. She wants a lap dog! He should show this thread to her so she will know he has been warned and is hip to why she is the way she is. I won't expend any more time and energy on this thread because I KNOW I am on target with this one. This is my last call, Hoss.
Divorce her. Get a lady with the same sex drive as you (or more!)
treat her like a Queen and love her hard. Good luck, Young Son.
Don't be treated like dirt.

 

[drvortex]

Wow, didn't think I would get such a large response on this. There is alot of great comments above. As a matter of fact, I have faced those decisions in the past and quite recently over Xmas holidays when we went home for a few weeks.

I understand how most of you feel and to answer/clarify a few things. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I have loved her since freshman year in college...lik 10 years ago. We've been on/off in our relationship throughout college for years. The problem began in college but I couldn't believe or was ignorant in the reality that she could change. The lack of sex in our relationship has been going on since we've first been physical. We were friends for the first year or so then we moved in together as roommates so we could stay at college and work. The physical relationship started then but was only masturbation and oral. Intercourse happened 2 years later. Anyhow, she never had the time and said I was impatient. That has stuck with her forever it seems. I have no patience and that turns her off. Many of times in college she said she was pregnant and she was still a virgin. Make a long story short...all of these signs I should have just left and moved on. Well...we both did several times. I met a few other woman and damn...they were sex fiends. I loved it but there was something about the other woman that I couldn't stand...their personality. I wasn't in tuned to these woman like I was with my ex. We ended breaking up and going back to the main girl. Done this a few times...she couldn't stand the men she was with. After a few months of not being together she craved for me...which was awesome. The love-making was quite good for the first few weeks then suddenly go into hibernation. This cycle went on for years.

Anyway, moving on to recent situation. We got married in 2001. I was away at school for the Air Force and asked her if she wanted to marry me because in about a month, I was going to Hawaii and she will probably never see me again. She said yes. Got engaged over Thanksgiving and married over Xmas. Was great. She moved to Hawaii with me in Feb 2002. She is an elementary school teacher and that is where some of the problems occur. School system in Hawaii sucks and she spends alot of time there. I don't like her job because she is always upset about it (teachers, students, parents). Very frustrating because she takes her problems and frustration home. She had no energy and time for me so guess what...NO interest in me means NO sex for me either. She has used this excuse for awhile now.

Then we went home for xmas. Let me tell you, we had an incredible fight at her sisters house with her sister involved. Her sister reamed her out completely. Her entire family is on my side. They don't understand how she can be so selfish about not being intimate with me. They know and tell her how much I love her and worship everything about her. There were questions about love...we both love each other 110% and I know that. Anyway, we came back to go to counseling. My wife said she has helped her but when she seen me look an porn on the net she was disinterest in me. She also was upset about the comment that I made is that having sex 3x on the weekend and nothing on the weekday was not enough and I choose to look at porn to get off during the week. She has been turned off ever since and I haven't had any contact for over 2 1/2 weeks.

In conclusion, I have had many thoughts of moving on and finding someone that is more tuned to my sexual needs/desires; however, I will miss the love that I do get from her, emotionally and mentally. We are meant for each other on those two realms but the physicalness is way low. I have tried for years to deal with it and HOPING it will improve. She says it has but she also blames me of not being patient and changing. I have changed in many ways that she doesn't see; I don't look at porn that much, I don't watch videos anymore, I try to masturbate less (not everyday now, only everyother day or so). She doesn't see what I'm doing and I have told her that...she can believe or not but that is the truth.

Anyway, I thank you all for listening...this has helped me express my feelings and get some feedback. We will continue counseling (I'm military so I'm not paying for it) until we see an improvement. I'm just looking forward to that night/day that I can taste pussy again. Been so damn long....GRRRR!

DrV

 

[1SexyBiNympho]

Damn

Damn if i was your wife i would give it to u when ever u want... I would even have u come home and give to u on your lunch hour....

Nympho

 

[BirdsWife]

Wow, didn't think I would get such a large response on this. There is alot of great comments above. As a matter of fact, I have faced those decisions in the past and quite recently over Xmas holidays when we went home for a few weeks.

{SNIP}

Anyway, I thank you all for listening...this has helped me express my feelings and get some feedback. We will continue counseling (I'm military so I'm not paying for it) until we see an improvement. I'm just looking forward to that night/day that I can taste pussy again. Been so damn long....GRRRR!

DrV

Well, DrV, with the additional information you have provided here, I hate to say that I think your marriage was doomed from the beginning. You can certainly try more couseling, but if things are so bad that this woman's family is involved (I'm not even going to ask how that happened!) and on your side, I don't think things are going to change.

I know you say that you two love each other 110%, but I don't see how that can be if she is so careless about your needs. She sounds very selfish in this regard.....she doesn't want to have sex with you, but she doesn't want you to have any other sexual outlets either? That simply isn't fair, and if she truly loved you she would not put you in this situation in the first place.

You say that you have had many thoughts of moving on and finding someone that is more tuned to your sexual needs/desires, but that you would miss the emotional and mental love that you do get from your wife. A good, healthy marriage needs the intimacy of the physical/sexual aspect as well, and although you seem to be willing to forego that at the moment, eventually you will grow bitter and resentful until the emotional and mental love you do have is completely destoyed.

As far as being impatient goes, I think you have the patience of a saint. In this case, though, I don't believe it is a good thing. She has been this way for the entire duration of your relationship, yet you are still around, so why should she make the effort to change? This woman has been a part of your life since you were a teenager, and I think that perhaps it was just easier to keep going back to her than to put a real effort into finding someone who is compatible with you on all levels.

I believe at this point you should be using couseling to figure out why you are willing to settle for 2/3 of a marriage instead of a whole one. What you have now is not a healthy relationship, and unless a miracle happens to change your wife's attitude toward you (which isn't really fair to her, since you knew what she was like before you married her) you need to get out of it before you end up as angry and bitter as Iceman67 seems to be.

 

[Canuhearmenow?]

Re: Frustrated

Young Son, you got yourself a heap of trouble with that gal. Take the advice of an old war horse...Fuck Counseling, Fuck kissing her ass, and Fuck living for someone elses ideas and ideals! Divorce her NOW! Get out while you are young and find a woman sexually compatable with your desires. I'm tellin'ya'...You Better Do IT!!!

drvortex...heed Iceman's advice. It will NOT change. 17 years with a woman just like you describe - in fact, at first I thought you were the unlucky sumbitch to end up with her. It will get worse before it gets better.

 

[Iceman67]

Waste Of My time

Why did you ask for advice when you already knew what you were going to do? Shit!

 

[The Duchess Diara]

I think you're copping a lot of unneccessary criticism here for venting at what is a frustrating situation. Don't worry, there are some people who understand....
My partner works shiftwork, doing 12hour shifts. As you can imagine, he's pretty exhausted most of the time, and not at all interested in sex.
In fact, with our different schedules, we are rarely in sync concerning our sex drives, which is extremely frustrating. I love him, and don't cheat, but I understand your frustration.

 

[Inna]

Happy to help with a little nasty talk

Sorry to hear about your wife giving you so much grief. As a married woman myself, I appreciate your commitment.
You have desires and clearly these are not being met. Mine aren't either.
Let talk a little and see if it helps. I am in very good shape and have desire my husband can't fulfill. I want to have sex regularly and he is happy with once a week. Talking like this with men helps alleviate my frustration and makes me feel better about having such a strong sexual drive. There is nothing wrong with you. I sense your wife needs to feel better about herself to enjoy the pleasures of sex fully. I encourage you to keep reminding her that you care you just need more and she may come around. In the mean time I would be happy to help with a little private chatter....