Sexuality question

[alagerlof]

Hi all,

New to the forums so bear with me. I browsed a bit and couldn't find a similar thread to add my two cents to so hopefully someone in a similar situation will make a comment on this one.

I've been an out of he closet lesbian for about 11 years now, been in not so serious, serious and ultra serious relationships with women. I did go through a bi phase in high school but never enjoyed sex with men...

lately though, all I fantasize about is being with a man. I am currently in a relationship and although I've cheated on a previous gf, I have no intention of doing so now...but my sex life is a bit non reciprocal, which only ads to the intensity of the fantasies.

help?

 

[stlpenguin]

Well, I'm certainly not the most qualified to be giving you this answer, as I'm male, bi, and confused about my gender identity.

That said, I don't see why there's any call to adhere to the idea of being a Lesbian. Be YOU. If you would rather be with a man, or would rather have sex with one, perhaps that's where your sexuality is drawing you.

On the other hand, if your fantasies are really just about sex with a man - getting a dick involved - maybe you could still have that with your partner currently by inviting a man to join you in the bedroom (what guy wouldn't love two chicks to ask him to participate?) or perhaps use a strap-on or something to give you the feeling of being with a man without having to do something ill-conceived behind your partner's back.

Just some thoughts. I'm not sure how driving your need for a man is, nor what your fantasies involve, so perhaps if you could share more detail, better advice / discussion could be had?

-- Scott / Sara

 

[alagerlof]

Thanks for the reply Scott/Sara,

My girlfriend doesn't know about these fantasies I have, and she would frown upon a threesome to say the least, as would I really...not so big on sharing.

We've had sex with a strap-on, but it does not seem to do the trick. I don't want to go out of our relationship for sexual fulfillment, and I'm sure if the sex was better between us I would not even contemplate it.

Not sure what it is exactly that turns me on about a man, maybe it's just the fact that it's 'taboo', which I know sounds ridiculous. Or maybe it's a strength thing...really not sure though

 

[OSBiguy]

Just My Opinion

Hi Alagerlof,
Just my uneducated opinion, based on my life experience.

I would suggest that this isn't a change of heart & desires, but rather a coping mechanism for dealing with the short comings of your current relationship.

For my mind the real question is about what needs to be done, or if anything can be to improve your current situation.

What to do?
Enjoy the fantasies for what they are & don't feel guilty,
don't act on them as it doesn't sound like it is in your nature, and open the conversation with your partner to see if things can be made better for you both.

Hope all works out

 

[dakotagirl]

I would suggest that this isn't a change of heart & desires, but rather a coping mechanism for dealing with the short comings of your current relationship.

I agree. I think that the fantasies are steming from an unfulfillment in your relationship.

 

[Etoile]

I think the others are right about the reason you're having fantasies - it's because you're unfulfilled in your current relationship. Believe me I know the feeling...my wife and I have had the dreaded "lesbian bed death" for a looooong time now. Having wild fantasies is probably pretty normal in your situation.

So maybe the real issue is why you're having fantasies about men. Does it bother you that you are, or are you okay with it?

 

[bi golly]

This sexuality question comes up quite a bit in this or other forms. I think it is because one's sexual identity is not fixed as a simple answer to "Straight or gay?" I read about a study recently where women who identified as gay or bi moved back and forth between gay, bi and straight over the course of the long term study (ten years) http://www.livescience.com/health/080123-women-study.html

I've wondered about my sexuality for a long time. When I am out in public, I only look at women. But my sexual fantasies are almost exclusively about sex with men. I started to fantasize about sex with men soon after I learned to masturbate. When I was married, I would jerk-off to images of sex with men (sex with my wife every other month, I had to do something). I was at a medical facility today and saw the prettiest woman. Married, of course, so I didn't flirt with her. She is the kind of person I want to be with emotionally. But last night, I woke up from a dream where I was with a couple and they had propositioned me to join them for sex and I was to be the filling of their sandwich. Would a woman like the pretty woman I met today want to join me with another man?

I've had sexual contact with one man, and it was nothing to write home about. I left his place saying "what-the-fuck-ever". You identify as a lesbian, but maybe that identification doesn't fit you completely. Maybe there's a part of you that wants and needs to be connected to a man, because you can get something from a man that you can't get from a woman. (and I'm not talking about boneless body parts).