someplace
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- Apr 6, 2002
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This is the outline of a talk being given tonight to my daughter's dorm (18, 19, 20 yr old women) at college (by a male professor):
* * * * * * *
Touchy subject and terms; we're all adults.
Open discussion; not a lecture; feel free to say or ask anything.
We all know where babies come from, have knowledge of STDs; goal is to give you something you may have never heard before -- the guy's perspective.
Where I'm coming from -- not to judge or point to a particular set of beliefs; my only goal is to inform you of research and perspective I have. I'll talk as an educator, parent, married man (25 years), middle-ager, but most as a guy. You've probably thought about this stuff from only a couple of perspectives. I want to open this up and give you more to think about.
Question No. 1 -- How do you define sex?
Terms: Psychologists and law define it as intercourse (vaginal penetration by penis), anal, oral, manual (partner masturbation to orgasm)
Psycho -- What is sex? Studies -- questions that determine how people feel and think -- all indicate that all forms, even oral and manual are viewed as sex. When they ask people those questions designed to get their innermost feelings, people truly do lump all this together. And the psychologists also say many people include fondling in their feelings about sexual activity.
Law -- If you have intercourse in a public place you can be arrested for lewdness. The exact same thing would happen for oral sex and for fondling as well.
So all the experts say that all of these things -- intercourse, anal, oral or manual are sex. Do we look at it differently, and if so, why?
GUY PERSPECTIVE No. 1 -- Sex is sex is sex. Survery of men all indicate that when it comes to sex, it's all the same. The No. 1 thing they're after is an orgasm. Plain and simple. All they want is physical release. It's all the same, no matter the method. They may say that oral and manual aren't the same, but the studies that get to their innermost thoughts all say, an orgasm is an orgasm. And that's what they want. Which leads to:
Question No. 2 -- How big a deal is sex to a guy? Discuss.
It's monumental.
Stats -- Lots of studies. People 18-22. All, college students, men, women. Lots of variables. Here's the consensus for people like you, college students, both genders: About 80% have had sex as we defined it (intercourse, anal, oral, manual). Of the 80%, about 65% have had vaginal intercourse. About 50% are currently active.
These numbers are for both genders. Number run slightly higher for men than women, which is explained by fact men have more partners and also gay men with men.
NOTE - Human sexuality profs here at [my daughter's conservative university] say we run about 10% lower than these numbers, but the chaplain of a sorority on campus told me in her group the numbers ran about 10% higher.
Interesting aspect -- and this particularly goes back to talk about oral sex -- is that most college men expect sex after a certain period of dating. These numbers vary somewhat, but a significant percent of men -- and remember we're talking about over 80% have had sex -- expect at least oral sex after the third date.
Has that been your experience?
GUY PERSPECTIVE No. 2 -- It's a huge driving force. Deer hunting. Guys are like deer. They're absolutely driven. And remember, for them, it's almost all about orgasms.
And there are lots of studies that indicate men today are more driven than ever because what drives men -- as you all know -- is visual images. The male sex drive almost entirely starts with a visual image. You can't understand that any more than a man can understand a menstrual cramp. But it's true. Just look at today's media Advertising, TV shows, Janet Jackson's breast in the Super Bowl, Brittany Spears! Guys are being driven wild. That's why you get all those talks about the way you dress. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry because men are driven by visual images. Women are not motivated in the same way, which leads us to:
Question No. 3 -- What do you hope to gain from having sex?
Stats: women -- acceptance, security, love, intimacy, compassion -- way down the list for most your age -- orgasms. Interestingly the ratings of the importance of orgasms go up as women remain monogamous with one partner longer and it also goes up with age. But with your age group, the emotional side plays by far the largest role.
Stats: men -- Orgasms. That's pretty much it. Men rank acceptance, security, love, initmacy, compassion -- way down on the list. It's all about an orgasm. Interestingly, near the very bottom is pleasing their partner or helping her to have an orgasm. Both men and women surveyed indicate that men in your age group have virtually no concept of pleasing a partner, which leads to:
GUY PERSPECTIVE No. 3 -- Men your age are in it for themselves. They don't much care about anything but a physical release and they especially don't care about pleasing you. NOTE: Good news is that this factor increases as relationship becomes long-term and remains monogamous.
Question No. 4 -- How do people your age feel after having sex?
Studies -- Having sex helps women feel acceptance, security, love, intimacy, compassion ...BUT not for long. The feelings last only a very short time. Men feel very few of these things at all. After sex they generally have feelings of having conquered something, of having won. That's why guys call it scoring. They just got some points in a big game. Remember, they're not in it to please anybody but themselves.
GUY PERSPECTIVE No. 4 -- After sex, who's next? Who can help me have my next orgasm?
Conclusion -- Guys are not hopeless. I know that I've painted a bleak picture, but all the research indicates that at around age 30 men finally mature and assume many of the characteristics that would define an adult. Bear with them.
My goal tonight has been to inform you. You're at a point in life where you're making HUGE decisions. Classes, majors, interships, jobs, marriage...all these are big. I just want to give you some more information to help you.
And here's the bottom line: when a guy enters into a physical relationship, he loses his ability to think clearly. His thinking is clouded. He makes all kinds of crazy decisions. I think it's important that as you make this big decision in your life, that you do everything you can to keep your eyes open. I hope tonight I've helped you do that in one area of your life.
* * * * * * *
Touchy subject and terms; we're all adults.
Open discussion; not a lecture; feel free to say or ask anything.
We all know where babies come from, have knowledge of STDs; goal is to give you something you may have never heard before -- the guy's perspective.
Where I'm coming from -- not to judge or point to a particular set of beliefs; my only goal is to inform you of research and perspective I have. I'll talk as an educator, parent, married man (25 years), middle-ager, but most as a guy. You've probably thought about this stuff from only a couple of perspectives. I want to open this up and give you more to think about.
Question No. 1 -- How do you define sex?
Terms: Psychologists and law define it as intercourse (vaginal penetration by penis), anal, oral, manual (partner masturbation to orgasm)
Psycho -- What is sex? Studies -- questions that determine how people feel and think -- all indicate that all forms, even oral and manual are viewed as sex. When they ask people those questions designed to get their innermost feelings, people truly do lump all this together. And the psychologists also say many people include fondling in their feelings about sexual activity.
Law -- If you have intercourse in a public place you can be arrested for lewdness. The exact same thing would happen for oral sex and for fondling as well.
So all the experts say that all of these things -- intercourse, anal, oral or manual are sex. Do we look at it differently, and if so, why?
GUY PERSPECTIVE No. 1 -- Sex is sex is sex. Survery of men all indicate that when it comes to sex, it's all the same. The No. 1 thing they're after is an orgasm. Plain and simple. All they want is physical release. It's all the same, no matter the method. They may say that oral and manual aren't the same, but the studies that get to their innermost thoughts all say, an orgasm is an orgasm. And that's what they want. Which leads to:
Question No. 2 -- How big a deal is sex to a guy? Discuss.
It's monumental.
Stats -- Lots of studies. People 18-22. All, college students, men, women. Lots of variables. Here's the consensus for people like you, college students, both genders: About 80% have had sex as we defined it (intercourse, anal, oral, manual). Of the 80%, about 65% have had vaginal intercourse. About 50% are currently active.
These numbers are for both genders. Number run slightly higher for men than women, which is explained by fact men have more partners and also gay men with men.
NOTE - Human sexuality profs here at [my daughter's conservative university] say we run about 10% lower than these numbers, but the chaplain of a sorority on campus told me in her group the numbers ran about 10% higher.
Interesting aspect -- and this particularly goes back to talk about oral sex -- is that most college men expect sex after a certain period of dating. These numbers vary somewhat, but a significant percent of men -- and remember we're talking about over 80% have had sex -- expect at least oral sex after the third date.
Has that been your experience?
GUY PERSPECTIVE No. 2 -- It's a huge driving force. Deer hunting. Guys are like deer. They're absolutely driven. And remember, for them, it's almost all about orgasms.
And there are lots of studies that indicate men today are more driven than ever because what drives men -- as you all know -- is visual images. The male sex drive almost entirely starts with a visual image. You can't understand that any more than a man can understand a menstrual cramp. But it's true. Just look at today's media Advertising, TV shows, Janet Jackson's breast in the Super Bowl, Brittany Spears! Guys are being driven wild. That's why you get all those talks about the way you dress. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry because men are driven by visual images. Women are not motivated in the same way, which leads us to:
Question No. 3 -- What do you hope to gain from having sex?
Stats: women -- acceptance, security, love, intimacy, compassion -- way down the list for most your age -- orgasms. Interestingly the ratings of the importance of orgasms go up as women remain monogamous with one partner longer and it also goes up with age. But with your age group, the emotional side plays by far the largest role.
Stats: men -- Orgasms. That's pretty much it. Men rank acceptance, security, love, initmacy, compassion -- way down on the list. It's all about an orgasm. Interestingly, near the very bottom is pleasing their partner or helping her to have an orgasm. Both men and women surveyed indicate that men in your age group have virtually no concept of pleasing a partner, which leads to:
GUY PERSPECTIVE No. 3 -- Men your age are in it for themselves. They don't much care about anything but a physical release and they especially don't care about pleasing you. NOTE: Good news is that this factor increases as relationship becomes long-term and remains monogamous.
Question No. 4 -- How do people your age feel after having sex?
Studies -- Having sex helps women feel acceptance, security, love, intimacy, compassion ...BUT not for long. The feelings last only a very short time. Men feel very few of these things at all. After sex they generally have feelings of having conquered something, of having won. That's why guys call it scoring. They just got some points in a big game. Remember, they're not in it to please anybody but themselves.
GUY PERSPECTIVE No. 4 -- After sex, who's next? Who can help me have my next orgasm?
Conclusion -- Guys are not hopeless. I know that I've painted a bleak picture, but all the research indicates that at around age 30 men finally mature and assume many of the characteristics that would define an adult. Bear with them.
My goal tonight has been to inform you. You're at a point in life where you're making HUGE decisions. Classes, majors, interships, jobs, marriage...all these are big. I just want to give you some more information to help you.
And here's the bottom line: when a guy enters into a physical relationship, he loses his ability to think clearly. His thinking is clouded. He makes all kinds of crazy decisions. I think it's important that as you make this big decision in your life, that you do everything you can to keep your eyes open. I hope tonight I've helped you do that in one area of your life.
