Sexual Relationships and Communication

[Lurnk]

Why do some feel more comfortable touching no-no spots with the SO than with telling her/him how much they love, say, a bit of jelly up the poopchute while being beaten with a riding crop? Ok, maybe not the best example of a fetish, but hopefully you get my point.

I like to think that if you dig the person enough to fuck her/him, you should feel free to spill your guts--not all at once, of course--imagine the mess you'd have to clean.



Lurnk.

 

[SweetErika]

Good question.

Sometimes I feel more comfortable just doing something in the heat of the moment. With the flood of feel-good chemicals and not much of a chance to really think about or talk myself out of it, it's easier to act than to talk. Of course I communicate with my partner during, and we certainly discuss before and after, but a lot of times it seems like the heat of the moment is the perfect time to try new things.

I've noticed some acts that are a huge turnon feel better than they sound, too, so that's a factor for my husband and I, as well.

 

[Carnevil9]

Probably because speech is an imperfectly developed medium. Face it, humans have only been using it for a hundred thousand years or so (a wild-ass guess); not nearly enough time for it to have been perfected to the level of other communication media, such as touch, hugs, kisses, soulful glances, and of course sex. Oh yeah, and food and alcohol.......Carney

 

[silverwhisper]

fear of rejection and/or embarrassment, i've always figured. hell, i recognized that my wife was my soulmate for a very long time and it's taken me a bunch of years to admit that i love anal.

like most such fears, i think that it's built up to be more than it is, mind.

ed

 

[Lurnk]

Thanks folks.


SweetErika--Your relationship seems like an ideal set-up: tis much better and much more to-the-point to act. In the heat of the moment you share your deepest desires and curiosities--the fact that you do that with your husband without fear gets you kudos.

Carnevil--same thing, actions over words--I have no problem with that--firm believer, in fact. Food and alchohol? Indeed.

Silverwhisper--That's what confounds me. I don't get how fear enters the picture. If you're in a relationship--especially a long-term one or marriage--I would think it's a given that you feel comfortable communicating everything you want that person to know, without fear or shame--like being able to tell a secret to your closest friend rather than a stranger or someone you know, but can't trust.



Lurnk.

 

[M's girl]

Well..... no matter how good you think you know each other I think there are always and still times when you go "what the.... I never thought he/she would....."etc...

It happens.

When it's about liking or disliking mashed potatoes it's no big deal. But sex is a very emotional thing. And feelings are easily hurt there sometimes. The more you know from experience how your feelings can be hurt in certain areas, the more tricky it will be to suggest something you are not quite sure about.

After all, it also tells a lot about yourself. Sometimes it's not as simple as establishing it's not something the other side wants or does not want. With certain things, once it's out there, it can make the other side form an opinion that is irreversable.

I know, for me, there are certain things that would hugely throw me off if M would ever suggest such things. I think he knows what they are, because most things we have discussed. And then there are the things we assume the other side knows. But what if.....?

You know? It's tricky like that. When the reaction is positive things are great. When the reaction is negative things can simply turn very bad. It's a huge risk sometimes.

 

[Mazuri]

Sometimes the things we want to communicate to our SO, even we feel are a bit over the top or even perverted (yay perverted!) and so our love becomes what drives the fear. I mean...what if you told the man of your dreams that you really really want to do X and he either 1) laughs at you or 2) recoils in disgust? Sometimes options 3 & 4 (he thinks it sounds like fun or simply isn't interested but holds no judgment) seem far far away in moments like that. So, many times silence is the best route *shrugs* Perhaps it's a self-image issue, but that's what kept me from talking with hubby about a few things up until recently.

 

[silverwhisper]

lurnk: that's the problem, though, you see? i think part of it is a fear of admitting it to ourselves. it was for me.

ed

 

[Lurnk]

Good. More responses. I'll come back to this later.

Lurnk.

 

[Eilan]

Sometimes I think that my ex and I split up because, while we spent a lot of time talking to each other, we didn't talk about the things that mattered. Or maybe we were talking and not communicating. If that makes sense.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan, is that a quality of communication vs quantity of communication distinction?

ed

 

[Eilan]

eilan, is that a quality of communication vs quantity of communication distinction?

ed

Yeah. I think that when it came to the important stuff, like little differences, grievances, etc, we both held things back until we came to resent each other. That seems to be what happened when everything blew up about six years ago.

 

[Cathleen]

Sometimes I think that my ex and I split up because, while we spent a lot of time talking to each other, we didn't talk about the things that mattered. Or maybve we were talking and not communicating. If that makes sense.

Makes sense to me... just as there is a difference in hearing and listening in my opinion. Just don't ask me to explain the difference 'cuz I have no idea at the moment.

 

[Cathleen]

<snip> I don't get how fear enters the picture. If you're in a relationship--especially a long-term one or marriage--I would think it's a given that you feel comfortable communicating everything you want that person to know, without fear or shame--like being able to tell a secret to your closest friend rather than a stranger or someone you know, but can't trust.

Lurnk.

The more we love the more we have to lose. It's a paradox. This being human thing just can't be figured out on paper.

 

[Lurnk]

Ok.


M's girl--I think I understand what you're saying: Your main concern is how your lover's opinion of you or your opinion of your lover will change once a deep, dark fetish is exposed. Right? I get that. Yet, on my end, I guess I'm too arrogant to factor something like that in--as far as my own image is concerned. The fetish is mine, it's a part of who and whatever I am and I enjoy who am I, so the SO has to at least understand that. Same goes for me understanding his fetish.

I didn't mean to suggest that an established relationship means knowing everything about one another, but only that you should feel comfortable expressing yourself with that person.


Mazuri--Your concern is the reaction. Hmm, if he did laugh or recoil--I could accept that, it wouldn't crush me. Hell, it's happened. I don't expect anyone, not even Dream Man to be tolerant and accepting of everything, at first--that wouldn't be very fun. However, I'd be compelled to initiate a discussion on the matter--He couldn't just laugh or scoff then dismiss it or worse yet--me Hopefully that would lead, if not to some "action," then to at least some understanding. If he's accepted me so far, I don't think a few odd sexual proclivities would mar that.

Although I hope that he would accept my fetish with open arms, I'm well-aware of human nature and its penchant for being judgemental. However, I'd like to think that I'd had chosen someone mature enough to, if not accept my fetish and explore it with me, at least be good enough to say "Cool, but no, we won't be doing that." And then we move on to other things.



Lurnk.

 

[Lurnk]

This being human thing just can't be figured out on paper.

Dang, my weakness has been exposed. It's just that the paper is so smooth and fragrant, so open to the pen. . .it's the paper that wants it, not me. I wouldn't do it unless the paper asked.

I'll still be accepted, right?



Lurnk.

 

[SnowsDream]

What if it's the problem of insecurity, I mean you want a person, you desire them and if they desire you back then you dont' wanna upset that and you think the "freak" in your closet will have them running away. That being said I've been with one person and we shared a lot of my unfilled fantasies and it was amazing and if we had stayed together we would have done more, however I've never been comfortable enough to share my anal play desires with another, never felt the lover i had would be comfortable with it.

I guess I'm just saying that it boils down the foundation you've built with that person and how strong it really is, is how much you'll open up to them.

 

[bashfull]

Communication is always the key. At least with me. Honesty and disclosure at all times. Even the "bad" things are better if disclosed and hurt less. Regarding the sex, i believe that when people are intimate, mentally and physically, they should be able to share their fantasies with each other. doesn't mean that they will enact them, but nothing wrong with sharing.