Sexual Identity

[NCShin]

Something that someone said to me the other day is really really bothering me. I'm going to post my thoughts here and kind of ask for opinions as I don't really know where else to pose the question.

OK, what was said was, "Japanese women are brought up to lack a sexual identity."

There was more said, but I can't remember the exact words so I won't quote and will say that it was something like this: They are brought up/designed/supposed to.... (something to that effect) conform to whatever their boyfriends/husbands want.

Now here is my problem.

I've posted before about my LD relationship, for those who don't know, she is japanese, I am american. She lives in Japan I live in the US.

So I guess the first question is,

Is it possible to not have a sexual identity?

I think I see a lack of a sexual identity to be a clean slate, virginal, someone who hasn't experiemented enough to know who they are sexually.

If that is correct, then I guess I wonder if that is the same as submissiveness. Submitting to WHATEVER he wants, it might not be kinky, it might be the most vanilla sex ever, but you are shaped around what he likes. Is that submission?

Now lets say that this blank slate of a woman meets a dominant man. She molds her sexuality to meet his wants/needs and submits in a D/s sense.

Is she consentually submitting? Or is it something else?

Since this person said that to me I've had nothing else on my mind. It is having a very bad affect on me, and I'm sure it will be even worse the next time she visits. We're still hoping that she'll live here on a perminant basis by the end of the year.

I'll look for some replies then maybe add some more later.

Thanks in advance

 

[AngelicAssassin]

First question, and you're going to take it like a pail of cold water to the face. Does she look at another man in the same way she looks at you? If she does, she's a robot that recognizes the male gender, but not the differences in males.

Second question, does she ever hesitate when you wish to try something different? If she does, she has a mind of her own, not a database to add information. Going further, i believe some of the things you wish from her will always come hard, and in that find comfort.

Third question, do you think it possible for any human to be perfect? If not, your intended won't be perfect either, and in that find comfort.

Last question, do you know something when you look at her, think of her, interact with her that means nearly everything to you? If so, laugh politely at the idiot that spewed that drivel.

If you're nervous, you should be. If you're unsure, you should be. If you're not, perhaps someone raised you to be gender neutral as well, then you really don't have a problem. That excitement you feel right before you're with her should speak volumes. How you manipulate that excitement falls on no one but you be it nervous, confident, hungry, or bored.

Anyone that says they're "neutral," to make it more palatable to the strong types, when dealing with another human doesn't speak the truth. Try thinking of one successful totally neutral interaction you've had with anyone. We're gregarious by nature, and need contact with others. And yeah, it even takes energy to be bored.

 

[Netzach]

That sounds like Orientalist hogwash to me.

Of course Japanese women have a sexual identity. It just may be something that's not expressed in cues that a Westerner is going to be able to understand. We're not raised with the same language, we're not raised with the same sexual codes.

That doesn't mean they transcend any kinds of understanding. It just means that more work might be involved.

Also we're not all total reflections of our culture. Are we? If we were I'd have 2.5 kids, eat MacDonalds 3 times a week, live in a suburb and listen to Brittney Spears.

We may be raised a certain way, we may even be in a culture that doesn't value individualistic flourishes as much as another, but we're all going to play the hand we're dealt as an individual in the world. Her culture probably doesn't generally condone hot passionate sex with Geigi, but she seems to be un-neutral enough to not care about that, right?

 

[the Royal wench]

I would tend to agree more with a statement such as, Japanese women are brought up to not express their sexual identity.

That doesn't mean they don't have one. I also tend to think it would be more of a thing of the past.

Does your girlfriend express her wants and desires? Spontaneously, on her own? If not maybe she just needs the opportunity to do so. It may also be that she needs the opportunity to try and discuss things in an open manner to find out what she likes.

Good luck!

 

[Netzach]

Well put.

Well, that's another thing, the West likes to paint Japan as this unchanging floating island, pristine and mysterious, when in fact it's as dynamic as anyplace.

Go watch Lost in Translation, look at the kids Scarlett Johanessen is hanging out with. The cult of the individual has landed.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

If we were I'd have 2.5 kids, eat MacDonalds 3 times a week, live in a suburb and listen to Brittney Spears.

If you ever fall into that hell, let me know and i'll come put you out of your misery.

I would tend to agree more with a statement such as, Japanese women are brought up to not express their sexual identity.

Only to the brainless and non-observant. Try "The Last Samurai." One scene shook me to the bone.

 

[Netzach]

If you ever fall into that hell, let me know and i'll come put you out of your misery.

You got it! Promise.

 

[the Royal wench]

Thank you, Netzach.

Two good movies I still need to see.


I wouldn't use movies as my only reference for another culture however.

But then I'm probably brainless and non-observant.


Have you lived there, Assassin?


I have.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Have you lived there, Assassin?

I have.

No, but i'm half Pacific Islander, have Japanese relatives, and unless you were native born, living there still makes you gaijin.

Shall we continue to spar, or would you like to return to the topic?

 

[the Royal wench]

No, but i'm half Pacific Islander, have Japanese relatives, and unless you were native born, living there still makes you gaijin.

Shall we continue to spar, or would you like to return to the topic?

Have we left the topic?

Since you have this experience perhaps you can expand on how Japanese women express their sexual identity rather than throwing out insults?

As I said, I think they are more likely to do that now than in the past. Particularly in public. I'll admit I wouldn't have a clue to how expressive Japanese women are in the bedroom, past or present.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Since you have this experience perhaps you can expand on how Japanese women express their sexual identity rather than throwing out insults? ... As I said, I think they are more likely to do that now than in the past. Particularly in public. I'll admit I wouldn't have a clue to how expressive Japanese women are in the bedroom, past or present.

No, i think i'll exercise forebearance based on your stated experience and observations.

 

[NCShin]

Well I sat here trying to figure out what to say in reply. I started to write what turned out to be a history of japan. That isn't what I'm aiming for, but I fear that unless you have first hand knowledge of the culture there it may be impossible to answer the questions that I seak answers for.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

... but I fear that unless you have first hand knowledge of the culture there it may be impossible to answer the questions that I seak answers for.

People are just people, sweetie. And women aim to please in Most societies (until they grow out of it ) So, unless someone sold her to you, then she decided to be with you -- and whether or not you lead her down some slippery slope, it is Not non-consent. Even brainwashed by our society or by love, we make choices.

In some sense, your question is unanswerable. Is it non-consent that, as a guy, you may well feel duty-bound, due to our society, to support her, and, if so, is she taking advantage of you, by letting you? You see what I'm getting at here (even using a lame example)?
It's very scrupulous and conscientious of you to consider this fine point, but even if what you fear might be true, then what? Do you decide to go vanilla just in case might be? And just in case vanilla Might be what she'd preferred, if she hadn't been brainwashed by her society to please, or by love for you? Do you leave her, to protect her from you? Do you think this is what she wants? Hoo boy. Listen to AA, man.

You are stuck in one of those mental endless loops we all get into sometimes. And like many of us, you are so smart, you are running right past the leap and going back around in the circle without seeing where you looped. Do you get what I mean? Stop, breathe, and try a different approach.
Maybe think about a friend of yours in the same situation. What would you tell him?
That he's a lucky sonofagun, and the guy who got him in such a tizzy is a superior jerk?