sexting

[Backdoorwhore]

How do I get my boyfriend to sext with me? When we first got together we used to, now, never. The last time I really tried to do it I worked out this whole sexy scene and told him in detail everything I wanted to do to him and I got an "oh ok". When I confronted him later about it and asked what his deal was, he basically called me creepy. He said that he doesn't see me that way anymore. He sees me as the mother of his future children and his future wife and that makes it borderline creepy bc he doesn't see me like that. blah blah blah.... why can't I be sexy and be his future whatever? We can do all these kinky sexy awesome things together in person but he won't sext me. We talked about it at length and that was about 2-3 months ago. I just tried again today after working up the courage and I got "my oh my". What the hell? What am I doing wrong?

This is what I sent him today:
I want to come to your house, you open your door dressed in nothing but sexy underwear, push you against your door and tongue rape your mouth while my hands explore your sexy body. When you drip so much pre cum I want to drop to my knees and clean you up then kiss you all over and lead you to the room push you on the bed, step back and take you all in. Then I want to run my tongue from your toes to your ears and hear you moan and feel you squirm. I want to tie your little dick up and wrap it tight. I want to swirl my tongue around the head, licking up all that deliciousness. I want to handcuff your hands behind your back and crop your white ass until it's red and shiny. Just to show you how much you should appreciate me and have you beg for more.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Backdoorwhore]

I honestly think it's just me. We are nowhere near close to being married though. We aren't even engaged or anything. I think there is something wrong with sexting me specifically. He has done it with others and we used to do it. We would even send videos and pictures of each other masturbating. Now, nothing.

 

[Curiouscouple8]

We have been together 13 yrs. and married for 9 yrs. We sext each other all the time. I find it fun and stimulating.

 

[CapnCuddly]

The basic tough love advice is that if you marry somebody expecting them to change from who they are you will always be disappointed. Clearly the people who use this website are very aroused by writing and reading. Other people do not find that arousing at all. It may be that he is still attracted to you in a kinky sexual way but has no interest in working that out in words. Perhaps he has strange religious or philosophical hangups that prevent him from enjoying sexuality fully with people whom he respects because he somehow understands kink as dirty or wrong. Many men especially have a hard time understanding that when a woman desires to be taken roughly and with passion, even slapped around a bit or called names it is not being disrespectful but allowing her to be free to escape her normal roles as prim and prudent wife and mother. It is a great gift and a demonstration of love to allow a woman to let go of regular life and just be a naughty horny slut begging for cum.

 

[amofiga]

I hate to say it, but if you are unhappy with the sex now, it will only get worse after you're married. The attitude you're boyfriend seems to have is classic "Madonna/wore" conflict. It does usually manifest in the male side of the relationship but in my case, it was more from my wife. She was generally more open and uninhibited before we were married and before kids. That's when she seemed to take the position that certain behavior wasn't appropriate for a "mom".

I think you really need to lay it all out with your boyfriend and see where he stands. If you like the idea of being a "backdoorwhore" and having some outside the boundaries sex and he wants you to be the perfect "sweet and innocent mom" then you may someday really end up being the backdoor honey for a backdoor guy. In other words, it's a recipe for a future affair. How do I know? For over 20 years, I had numerous affairs with frustrated married women whose husbands didn't seem to understand their need for "hot and non-standard" sex. It didn't end up pretty and almost a total disaster. It's not a good way to go. It's much easier and less risky to resolve these issues before marriage and family than afterward.

Good luck

 

[Aphro]

Maybe it's a little too much, all the detail?

How about trying shorter, more open ended messages that leave him room to respond, rather than a whole paragraph with all the details worked out.

That way there is more room for his input and the back and forth of the tease/flirt. To me what you wrote was more of a short sexy story as opposed to "sexting".

 

[phoenix1224]

How do I get my boyfriend to sext with me? When we first got together we used to, now, never. The last time I really tried to do it I worked out this whole sexy scene and told him in detail everything I wanted to do to him and I got an "oh ok". When I confronted him later about it and asked what his deal was, he basically called me creepy. He said that he doesn't see me that way anymore. He sees me as the mother of his future children and his future wife and that makes it borderline creepy bc he doesn't see me like that. blah blah blah.... why can't I be sexy and be his future whatever? We can do all these kinky sexy awesome things together in person but he won't sext me. We talked about it at length and that was about 2-3 months ago. I just tried again today after working up the courage and I got "my oh my". What the hell? What am I doing wrong?

This is what I sent him today:
I want to come to your house, you open your door dressed in nothing but sexy underwear, push you against your door and tongue rape your mouth while my hands explore your sexy body. When you drip so much pre cum I want to drop to my knees and clean you up then kiss you all over and lead you to the room push you on the bed, step back and take you all in. Then I want to run my tongue from your toes to your ears and hear you moan and feel you squirm. I want to tie your little dick up and wrap it tight. I want to swirl my tongue around the head, licking up all that deliciousness. I want to handcuff your hands behind your back and crop your white ass until it's red and shiny. Just to show you how much you should appreciate me and have you beg for more.

Well, except for the "little dick" part, that was pretty hot.

Your bf needs to understand that you can't stop being a sexual being just because he's picturing you as the mother of his future children. He has to realize that it's totally possible for you to be the proverbial lady on the streets and freak between the sheets.

Just talk to him. I suspect that his hangups are coming from his upbringing. His parents may have been the type that really didn't display affection for each other in front of the kids. So he grew up thinking that's just how longterm relationships are.

He needs to realize that it's normal for people to maintain highly sexual relationship no matter how long they've been together or whether or not they're parents.

 

[Backdoorwhore]

He loves being humiliated. So that's where the little dick part came in lol. He brought me into this kinky lifestyle not the other way around. Our sex life is great it's just this one thing. I feel like some things wrong with me. We have no intentions on getting married right now. I've tried the short texts the long texts the kinky texts and the sweet texts. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'm making this a bigger deal than it is, but sometimes I just want to know he finds me desirable through the day.

 

[Sedona1972]

to sext or not to sext

wow this sucks...and seems inconsistent. Doesn't make any sense. Sounds like something else is going on with him. The biggest thing is that you are asking him for some attention you want him to be thinking sexy things about you during the day. The Sexting is how you are trying to get that. Is there another way to get the attention you are looking for? Otherwise you have to suck it up and do without and then when you get it from someone else you have to deal with the whole do you have the affair or not. I hate that crap. Almost worth it to cut your losses now.

 

[NotHisLady]

just curious but where was he when he got this text?

That's an awful lot to read and there are times and places where it would be really uncomfortable to have that show up on your phone.

Conversely are you very sure he is JUST yours and this isn't about not wanting stuff on his phone for somebody else to find?

 

[Backdoorwhore]

Our everyday sex life is amazing. He isn't cheating on me and he was at home when. He got the last message.

 

[Backdoorwhore]

It's not, it's just bothersome as to why he won't do it with me

 

[Backdoorwhore]

I agree. He says it's different in person than it is on the phone. I told him he makes no damn sense. I don't get it. I'm just going to stop trying but it's very hurtful.

 

[yorker85]

Approach him. If you enjoy the kinky wild sex life and this was a part of your relationship, it should stay that way. There will be ups and downs but you need consistancy.

If he starts viewing you as a wife or mother, that's a red flag. He should always view you as a person first and foremost. That's a big problem in marriages, letting titles define you or your spouse. We are all individual people and that needs to be recognized. The labels simplify and negate other parts of ourselves.

 

[Backdoorwhore]

Thank you all for your help and kind words. I appreciate it.

 

[Scrubber]

"Oh ok" is a crap response, I agree, but I don't see much wrong with "my oh my". Still, it sounds like you do need to have a proper chat and work this out.

 

[NotHisLady]

Well in the first place it is actually possible to go 8 or 10 hours without having the fact that your lover wants you validated. (That sounds harsh but I can't really think of a nice way to say it that might not be too vague.)

The other thing is that the whole "sexting" thing may have been something he saw as a build up to sex. Now that you guys have an active relationship he may see it as a little silly--like training wheels once you learn to ride a bike. Maybe save it for just now and then, like when you're going out or getting together in a few hours and can tease specifically about what you will do. That he might go for if he knows it's something that really heats you up.

Unless he said it more than once he might have been putting you on with the 'wife and mother thing' particularly if you get really kinky on a fairly regular basis.

 

[jradek75]

Did he start clamming up once "kinky" stuff got involved in the sexts?

If so, I'm going to take a stab at this from a different prospective. TRUST. You say that you have no real plans on getting married, having kids, etc. In other words, no real firm commitment.

Am I comfortable with my girlfriend/mother of my children/wife of 20 years dressing me in her panties and making me cum on my own face while wearing a butt plug? Yes. Am I comfortable with sexting her all the dirty details of it? Yes. Hypothetically, if my wife weren't in the picture, would I be comfortable doing this in person with somebody I was with for a couple of months if they wanted it? Probably. Would I sext them the details of it and lose "control"? I doubt it.

Maybe he's comfortable doing this stuff in person because in a weird way he's "guaranteed" it stays between the two of you. Especially since you are sexting "kinky" stuff. Maybe that crosses a line he's not comfortable with. There a big difference between normal sexting and kinky sexting. Once he starts actively participating in your sexts, he loses control of how that information get shared. It's the same reason we teach kids not to start sending inappropriate pictures to their boyfriend/girlfriend of the month.

Maybe the reasons he gave you are just excuses because he doesn't trust you enough yet. And there may or may not be anything wrong with that at this point in your relationship. Right now he always has plausible deniability if you were to out him. Once he starts sexting back, he loses that.

 

[Backdoorwhore]

I don't know. I talked a little more with him last night and he told me that it's either bad timing on my part or that he's not always in the mood. What ever it is, I guess it doesn't really matter. It's not something we NEED it's just nice to have sometimes. we came to the conclusion that I'll just stop doing it to avoid being butt hurt over it.
Thanks to everyone who chimed in with advice!