sexless, lost and brutally honest

[1000dreams]

MWM looking, exploring, seeking... advice? friendship? more?

Physically:
5'7", balding, gently overweight, (with a small dick...) the definition of prince charming!

I need to "come clean", empty my bag, and bring everything out in the open. I will divulge everything here and see what happens.

Is this the "right" place? Who knows? Why not?

What's for sure is that I don't want to be judged for my kinks and this is the only place where I have ever gotten to express them via the stories I write;
and I have so many kinks... well... at least in my fantasies. In real life, I am lucky if I get to have mediocre vanilla sex once a month... and "therein lies the rub."

I am the exemplification of "still waters run deep". So vanilla and boring on the outside, so shy at first encounter but with so much pent up desire.

Constantly horny and forever rejected.

My only remedy to my dissatisfaction is my writing. Maybe you have read some of it?

In my mid-40's and such a romantic that I grew up never considering that cheating might be a possibility.
Then, life happened.
And I ended up here; with a wife whose libido is nonexistent and who doesn't understand my needs. Yet, I have never strayed... The longing is there but, like my sex life, it's only a fantasy.

Truth be told: I might a kinky pervert!
But that's just a theory... I don't have much practice with the vanilla stuff, so the kinkier side of thing is just something I fantasize about. So many fantasies!

What to do? Do you stay in a sexless marriage, do you stray, do you leave and start anew?

I've talked to some of my friends and their advice is all over the map.

Has anyone here gone through the same situation?

I don't want to cheat, I have not done it yet. Heck! My wife is the woman that I picture when I imagine bondage, anal or other types of sexual scenarios.

But, if we have sex about ten times a year now... Can you imagine what it will be like in ten years?

I am still young and passion, tenderness, affection and sex is a big part of what's missing in my life. I need it!

And I am going crazy here.

Anyone wants to share their own experience or commiserate with me?

...and that's why I am so thankful for Literotica and for masturbation.
Lots and lots of Masturbation!
At least once daily but usually more... that's my therapy. What's yours?

 

[Jada59]

Do you have a link to your works?

In a nutshell, I was stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage for 22 years. My daughter will soon be 21 and when I conceived her was the last time we had sex. He thought sex outside of marriage was fine and even cheated on me throughout the marriage. But he also made it impossible for me to get out of the marriage, in more ways than one. I don't really feel like rehashing all of that. I'm sure I posted that story here somewhere. Not sure where. He finally filed for divorce but even then made it hard for me by doing all sorts of things to drag the divorce out and then kept trying to get me to go back to him. IMO he only wanted me to cook, clean and be his scapegoat for anything bad that happened to him.

Did I cheat? I guess it depends on your definition of cheating. Cheating is not my thing but... I did run a chat room. This was so long ago that long distance phone calls were still expensive. I started the chat room so I could talk to my brother on his lunch hour. By then we were living on opposite sides of the country.

I became close friends with a married man. We did meet at the airport when I deliberately routed my plane to land in the city where he worked. He worked right next door to the airport. We hugged, kissed and we did do some exploring over and under our clothes. I was pregnant with my daughter at the time. He did see me through the pregnancy but we lost contact after she was born and I moved to another state. I think him seeing me pregnant was just more than he could handle. He too was in a loveless, sexless marriage and his wife made it impossible for him to get out of it but... He never wanted to have kids. And me then having a kid was not something he was interested in.

Were there other men? Yes, but none in the flesh. I talked to them online and on the phone. I have always liked men. I just feel more comfortable around men than women for the most part. I do have female friends but most of them do not like men or sex. So there's a great portion of my life that I can't talk to them about.

In some cases there was sexting or phone sex with these men. Sometimes they just wanted me to write them an erotic story. In some cases it never went beyond friendship.

So was that cheating? Some people might think so. I didn't. Why? For one thing I knew full well that he was full on cheating on me but he didn't fess up to this until after the divorce and then it was sort of like he was laughing about it and rubbing it in my face.

But as soon as our marriage went sour, which was pretty much within minutes after the ceremony... No sex on our honeymoon. He went out gambling and drinking by himself... I laid down the law. We did try marriage counseling but that failed because he was unwilling to work on the marriage. He actually said something to the effect that he had me now so he didn't have to bother with anything. As in trying to be nice to me. So... I told him if he couldn't be nice to me, I would be spending my time with people who would. And that's exactly what I did.

He did act a bit sad for a while but still never wanted to put an ounce of effort into our relationship while still making it impossible for me to leave. I am very happy to be out now!

So... That's pretty much my story and sadly I have heard countless similar stories from men and women. So you are not alone.

You can PM me if you like. Not really sure what it is you are looking for here but you can always talk to me. Oh and, read my stories. You'll see that while I can be vanilla, I like variety too!

 

[412len]

My advice ...

Honestly, I pursued your work and I'm listening to what you're saying between the lines in this thread, feelings of desperation, your last place to turn. I'm going to give you my advice. Maybe not the advice you want to hear ...

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1041670&page=sub

Print out your stories from your thread (sans any mention to Lit), sit down, and show your wife. Let her read them. Maybe read her some as you know how they are spoken having written them.

Be open and honest, not defensive, no ultimatum and by all means "bite your tung" if need be because she might need time to fully process this in her mind. Remember, you didn't remain in this marriage this long, this faithful, yo have some "jackass" give you "permission" to throw it all away.

Good-luck to you both.

 

[glBock]

a reply to post#2 by Jada

I did not want to repeat your sad story another time. And I am not shitting you in any way or try to be sarcastic. Nor do I look for striking up a conversation with you.

All I want to tell you is this: #1-I have developed some empathy with you now, after reading a good part of the story of your life. And I wish you as much luck now for the rest of your life as possible. I believe you deserve it, to make up for what you suffered earlier in life.

#2: I have decided to blame all the unfriendly words you said to me on these pages on your experiences you had to suffer. Maybe you saw some parallels between your previous husband and me. Could be; quite possibly I talked to you like he did, or something else in my attire(?) reminded you of him.

#3: I will wipe "your slate" in my mind clean, and should I read anything you write again on Lit, I will try not to remember the past.

This is not to say I apologize to you for what I said earlier. Only I express my guesses now, as why you behaved towards me like you did, and for me I am prepared to forget the past. I will try to hold back commenting on remarks here I may read from you that are not to my liking; I promise.

Have a good day, Jada. And PS: I plan to tell my best woman about this post also. She is still a bit pissed off by you.

 

[Oreo515]

Hi

I'm Iin the same boat here. I have step out of my marriage twice.

 

[Glaxxion]

Carrying the same load.

I feel the same as you do. Same boat? Yes. I have not cheated on my wife but we have come to the point that I don't know if she has cheated on me. Society places some values that divorce is the last option. I personally can't leave until my children are set in thier own lives. We hade a trial seperation which nearly destroyed my son and so I endure until he is in college. So here has been my refuge and I hope like you we can meet people who atleast in spirit can help us through the long days. Until then good luck and be well. Know that I and others know what you go thru and are here when you need us as friends and in some cases kindred spirits.

 

[Oreo515]

I was meaning being in sexless marriage

 

[Jada59]

I was meaning being in sexless marriage

There are/were sooo many of us. Sad.

 

[Oreo515]

I see that. That's probably why all of just play with ourselves because we won't leave our marriages

 

[Jada59]

I see that. That's probably why all of just play with ourselves because we won't leave our marriages

I did leave. Just haven't found a guy in this area!

 

[1000dreams]

I feel the same as you do. Same boat? Yes. I have not cheated on my wife but we have come to the point that I don't know if she has cheated on me. Society places some values that divorce is the last option. I personally can't leave until my children are set in thier own lives. We hade a trial seperation which nearly destroyed my son and so I endure until he is in college. So here has been my refuge and I hope like you we can meet people who atleast in spirit can help us through the long days. Until then good luck and be well. Know that I and others know what you go thru and are here when you need us as friends and in some cases kindred spirits.

My children are also my reason for staying.

But I am also aware of how fragile and book-ended our lives are. I am still young but I have seen around me that illness and/or death can come suddenly and unexpectedly.

I would not want to have any regrets down the line...

How long can I put thing off to keep everyone else happy?

 

[Jada59]

My children are also my reason for staying.

But I am also aware of how fragile and book-ended our lives are. I am still young but I have seen around me that illness and/or death can come suddenly and unexpectedly.

I would not want to have any regrets down the line...

How long can I put thing off to keep everyone else happy?

Don't stay for the children. That makes things worse for them! My husband waited until our daughter was grown. The divorce was horrible for her. The research I did indicates the younger they are, the easier they recover from it.

 

[Midwest50Guy]

I see that. That's probably why all of just play with ourselves because we won't leave our marriages

my marriage ended when my wife left. I will tell everybody who reads this, the grass is greener on the other side. we are both so much happier now. I wish i left sooner.

 

[1000dreams]

Don't stay for the children. That makes things worse for them! My husband waited until our daughter was grown. The divorce was horrible for her. The research I did indicates the younger they are, the easier they recover from it.

For me then?
I don't think that I would be happy not seeing them every day.
The sexless part of my marriage is not as important to me at this point as being able to live with them.

 

[1000dreams]

Thank you

Honestly, I pursued your work and I'm listening to what you're saying between the lines in this thread, feelings of desperation, your last place to turn. I'm going to give you my advice. Maybe not the advice you want to hear ...

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1041670&page=sub

Print out your stories from your thread (sans any mention to Lit), sit down, and show your wife. Let her read them. Maybe read her some as you know how they are spoken having written them.

Be open and honest, not defensive, no ultimatum and by all means "bite your tung" if need be because she might need time to fully process this in her mind. Remember, you didn't remain in this marriage this long, this faithful, yo have some "jackass" give you "permission" to throw it all away.

Good-luck to you both.

Thank you for your note.
I am seeking all kinds of advice as I am so ambivalent on the subject.
I am not necessarily seeking any permission.
This is just an outlet for me to express what I have been repressing for so long.
Selfishly, seeing others in the same situation is reassuring.
Being able to vent is very therapeutic.

 

[Jada59]

For me then?
I don't think that I would be happy not seeing them every day.
The sexless part of my marriage is not as important to me at this point as being able to live with them.

Ah well... In my case, I was so despised that my husband left. He took jobs in other states. So we rarely saw him.

After the divorce he lured her away with false promises, much like he did to me before we married. He did buy her expensive bedroom furniture but after that? She turned into the wife for him. He expects her not only to cook and clean but to use her money to buy him whatever he wants. Meanwhile he feels free to come and go as he pleases, and he rarely bothers to tell her. He'll take off for three days at a time and she's left wondering if he died or will ever come back!

I'm glad you want to be in your kid's lives. Kids need a stable parent.

 

[Huntm821]

I’m glad there is someone like me here , I’m 31 years old married and our relationship is sexless after our son was born , I feel like there’s nothing I can do to get it back . I had sex 3 times last year on holidays and special occasions. I feel like it was just out of pity. I have become depressed but managing to come around as of late . I blame this on things she has done in the past , that caused her sex drive to leave . I have contemplated divorce a 1000 times .
I’m still young and I think I’m good looking , but not sure how much more I can take .

And I seem to be horny all the time like I can’t focus on anything else .

 

[1000dreams]

Ah well... In my case, I was so despised that my husband left. He took jobs in other states. So we rarely saw him.

After the divorce he lured her away with false promises, much like he did to me before we married. He did buy her expensive bedroom furniture but after that? She turned into the wife for him. He expects her not only to cook and clean but to use her money to buy him whatever he wants. Meanwhile he feels free to come and go as he pleases, and he rarely bothers to tell her. He'll take off for three days at a time and she's left wondering if he died or will ever come back!

I'm glad you want to be in your kid's lives. Kids need a stable parent.

I'm actually on very friendly terms with my wife.
I love her and I want to be intimate with her.

It's just her lack of interest with sex or with me for that matter that is driving me bonkers...

At this point I feel more like a good friend who shares her bed. And like the last post on this thread, most of the time when we do have sex it feels like she is doing it out of pity. I don't think she is getting much pleasure out of it.

 

[glBock]

I'm actually on very friendly terms with my wife.
I love her and I want to be intimate with her.

It's just her lack of interest with sex or with me for that matter that is driving me bonkers...

At this point I feel more like a good friend who shares her bed. And like the last post on this thread, most of the time when we do have sex it feels like she is doing it out of pity. I don't think she is getting much pleasure out of it.

hello, feel to ignore my comment, OK.

It seems to me if you are still on friendly terms with one another, a serious attempt at "soul searching" might still have a chance to succeed. I would look for why does she no longer enjoy making love with you. And I would not let one stone left unturned, even if the search uncovers unpleasant realizations on your part.

She does have sex with you occasionally, even if it seems to you out of pity only, the way I understood you. So you are not totally driving her away, attractiveness-wise.

Maybe some medcal issue? Maybe she finds you boring in bed, for whatever reason. May be false resons or inpressions, "only" find out what turns her off so much.

I assume all along that being on friendly Terms includes a willingness on her part, to do Soul searching as well. If not, my words make no sense.

And then you may have to ask yourself, whether you are willing to make compromises. Maybe she is dreaming of 3some sex all the time, so are you willing to allow another man into your bed?? Or she wants to do it with a Woman, so can you put up with FFm sex??

Or she Needs you to read her love poems, before she opens up??

What I am trying to say: when there are still "friendly terms" in a marriage, Maybe not everything is lost yet.

Good luck to you in any case!

PS: perhaps simply asking her "honey, what needs to happen that you feel more pleasure in bed? I am willing to search for other ways to have sex, and more Variety, if you like to do that also", might help???? Who knows.