sex vs. intimacy?

[ahooohgah]

I think it was sheath who said something about knowing the difference between sex and intimacy, just a couple of weeks ago. I was somewhat surprised to see that, because I've never really known there was a difference. So, what IS the difference? I've never had sex without intimacy, and I'm not sure I would want to, unless you can convince me otherwise.

 

[zhukov1943]

Perhaps it's the difference between "fucking" and "making love"?

 

[midwestyankee]

Perhaps it's the difference between "fucking" and "making love"?

As simple as it sounds, this is not a bad start.

Intimacy is a period of close emotional connection between two people. Sharing a pot of tea and talking deeply with one another can be an extremely intimate experience. It's all in how much you open yourself to the other person.

Sex is often at its best when there is an intimate emotional connection. Consider this to be "making love" as zhukov put it. On the other hand, intimacy is not necessary for high quality sex. Sex can be all about bodies attracted to each other for the purpose of pure pleasure. Consider this "fucking."

 

[Missingmeds]

Sex has an ending, lovemaking never ends.

 

[sheath]

Maybe I can't define sex vs. intimacy, but I can offer examples.

Sex...you can have it with anybody. Emotion is nice, but not a requirement. It is all about physical release, making bodies feel good, relieving sexual tension...and when it is over, you can walk away without much of a second thought about that person.

Intimacy: You can't have THIS with just anybody. It might involve sex, it might not. If it does involve sex, intimacy is the moment when you laugh in the middle of it because he did something so silly...and you are both okay with the laughter, because it is comfortable. Intimacy is that moment when the sex is over and you lie there to talk for an hour, then maybe have sex again. Or not. The point is, it doesn't matter.

Intimacy is not only knowing how someone feels, but CARING about how they feel and making that clear. It is holding hands just to feel close. It is the way your heart smiles when she walks through the door. It is the sharing of little things every single day, things that don't matter to anybody but maybe the two of you. It doesn't have anything to do with the physical and EVERYTHING to do with the mental and emotional.

If you can have both...the sex and the intimacy...THEN you know you are onto something very, very good.

S.

 

[sheath]

Hmmm...

Ironically enough, as I was typing that last response? I was listening to a particular song...and I just now realized how well the lyrics fit this thread. You know I'm really into music, so forgive me if this isn't appropriate, but I feel it is...

"Little Moments"
Recorded by Brad Paisley
Written by Chris DuBois/Brad Paisley


Well I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't even act like I was mad
Yeah I live for little moments like that

Well that's just like last year on my birthday
She lost all track of time and burnt the cake
And every smoke detector in the house was goin' off
And she was just about the cry until I took her in my arms
And I tried not to let her see me laugh
Yeah I live for little moments like that

I know she's not perfect but she tries so hard for me
And I thank God that she isn't 'cause how boring would that be
It's the little imperfections, it's the sudden change in plans
When she misreads the directions and we're lost but holdin' hands
Yeah I live for little moments like that

When she's layin' on my shoulder on the sofa in the dark
And about the time she falls asleep so does my right arm
And I want so bad to move it 'cause it's tinglin' and it's numb
But she looks so much like an angel that I don't wanna wake her up
Yeah I live for little moments
When she steals my heart again and doesn't even know it
Yeah I live for little moments like that

***

For me? THAT is a beautiful definition of what makes up intimacy.

S.

 

[Bobmi357]

Intimacy is what you do when you're not having sex. Its the hugs and the cuddles, its the kiss before you turn out the light. Its the back scratches and back rubs and nursing when sick.

Intimacy means you can bare your soul to someone without being afraid of being ridiculed.

Sex enhances intimacy.
Intimacy enhances sex.

Some can live without sex and still enjoy intimacy, I'm NOT one of those people. Some can live without intimacy and still enjoy sex. Again I'm not one of those people.

Now I know people will disagree with me, but to me the two are tightly inter-related and trying to separate them causes problems for people. While I'm not willing to say sex or intimacy is more important than the other, I do think the importance of the two is pretty damn close.

Problems in either sex or intimacy affect the other and can lead to severe problems in a relationship.

Intimacy and sex are like Air and Water. You can't live happily without both of them.

 

[CelticFrog]

Okay, here's my overly simple explanation that I could go into much deeper detail with... but I don't think I need to.

Intimacy without sex is soul-feeding, loving, and caring.
Sex without intimacy is picking up someone at a bar and getting laid.

Intimacy and sex together is a common miracle.

Ang

 

[Missingmeds]

Yep, what Ang said.

 

[NaiveOne]

Intimacy and sex together is a common miracle.

[/B]

I like that..... common miracle.

Sounds beautiful.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Sex and intimicy feed two differant and important parts of you. Sex feeds your physical needs and desires, meanwhile intimicy feeds your emotional needs and desires. To be a satisfied person you need both, either getting them seperatly or (if your lucky) together. Just my thoughts.

-Zergplex

 

[CelticFrog]

I like that..... common miracle.

Sounds beautiful.

Thanks. That's just what it is. Beautiful.

Ang

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

Re: Zergplex Says

 

[Guest]

 

[Ljbonobo]

Hmmm...

Ironically enough, as I was typing that last response? I was listening to a particular song...and I just now realized how well the lyrics fit this thread. You know I'm really into music, so forgive me if this isn't appropriate, but I feel it is...

"Little Moments"
Recorded by Brad Paisley
Written by Chris DuBois/Brad Paisley


Well I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't even act like I was mad
Yeah I live for little moments like that

Well that's just like last year on my birthday
She lost all track of time and burnt the cake
And every smoke detector in the house was goin' off
And she was just about the cry until I took her in my arms
And I tried not to let her see me laugh
Yeah I live for little moments like that

I know she's not perfect but she tries so hard for me
And I thank God that she isn't 'cause how boring would that be
It's the little imperfections, it's the sudden change in plans
When she misreads the directions and we're lost but holdin' hands
Yeah I live for little moments like that

When she's layin' on my shoulder on the sofa in the dark
And about the time she falls asleep so does my right arm
And I want so bad to move it 'cause it's tinglin' and it's numb
But she looks so much like an angel that I don't wanna wake her up
Yeah I live for little moments
When she steals my heart again and doesn't even know it
Yeah I live for little moments like that

***

For me? THAT is a beautiful definition of what makes up intimacy.

S.

Great song Sheath,

B. Paisley is one of my favorite country stars, i see him in concert anytime he comes near.

 

[sheath]

And THIS sums up our conversations of the last few days.

Thanks for defining it for me.

H.

S.

 

[sheath]

Great song Sheath,

B. Paisley is one of my favorite country stars, i see him in concert anytime he comes near.

Just this morning, I was listening to "Spaghetti Western Swing".

Gotta love that guy.

S.

 

[CelticFrog]

Sorry for the triple post, folks, but I am feeling particulary passionate about this topic. Sheath and Ang have really put things into perspective for me. Thank you, ladies.

H.

Hoochypoo, you have every right to be passionate about this topic.

EVERY right.

Perspective is a good point here -- it all depends on perspective. At different angles to the situation, you'll see it different ways. The more angles you see it from because of life experience, the more easily you'll be able to paint a full picture of the issue.

Perspective also changes the farther away from the situation you are.

Interesting thought you shoved into my head, Hooch.

Ang

 

[NaiveOne]

Okay, I think I finally figured out my problem, thanks to this thread.

I've mentioned my little "problem" before in a few random threads, plus one I started a long time ago. This is the gist: I never experienced intimacy or sex or both together before my first relationship, which ended about 3.5 months ago. Since then I can't masturbate, I don't enjoy it.

I can with my cyber/phone sex buddy, but not alone.

So I think...

that I can't separate sex and intimacy in my head. Now that I experienced intimacy with sex, I can't just enjoy sexual stuff without the intimacy.

Odd as it sounds, I have an interesting intimacy with my cyber friend. I consider him my good friend and I would date him in a heartbeat if he could handle the long distance issue. We can talk for an hour before a hot session, and for two hours after when we have the time.

What do I do?

How can I separate this in my head?

I long for intimacy.

I long for sexual stuff.

I long to be able to get myself off!!!!!

This is really starting to bug me, and I'm sure it's tiring out my cyber friend.

What can I do?

 

[lovetolove]

Okay, I think I finally figured out my problem, thanks to this thread.

I've mentioned my little "problem" before in a few random threads, plus one I started a long time ago. This is the gist: I never experienced intimacy or sex or both together before my first relationship, which ended about 3.5 months ago. Since then I can't masturbate, I don't enjoy it.

I can with my cyber/phone sex buddy, but not alone.

So I think...

that I can't separate sex and intimacy in my head. Now that I experienced intimacy with sex, I can't just enjoy sexual stuff without the intimacy.

Odd as it sounds, I have an interesting intimacy with my cyber friend. I consider him my good friend and I would date him in a heartbeat if he could handle the long distance issue. We can talk for an hour before a hot session, and for two hours after when we have the time.

What do I do?

How can I separate this in my head?

I long for intimacy.

I long for sexual stuff.

I long to be able to get myself off!!!!!

This is really starting to bug me, and I'm sure it's tiring out my cyber friend.

What can I do?

Hi,

This isn't necessarily a problem, it depends how you look at it. Intimacy is an important part of a serious relationship. Intimacy is really the ability to feel totally comfortable with someone. If you cannot do this at the moment it is probably because you have yet to get over your intimate relationship. This can take time, but also, if you find someone new, who is important you will get those feelings back again. Don't beat yourself up about it, time is the answer. So go easy on yourself and keep doing what you are doing, things will improve.

All the best. L2L

 

[sheath]

So I think...

that I can't separate sex and intimacy in my head. Now that I experienced intimacy with sex, I can't just enjoy sexual stuff without the intimacy.

I guess I would have to ask you...WHY do you have to separate the two? It sounds like you have both with your cyber friend. Why would you want to just focus on one or the other if you can have the best of both worlds?

I am one of those people who NEEDS intimacy with sex. I have to have some connection with the other person or I simply cannot enjoy sex. Hell, without that intimacy already in place, I cannot bring myself to have sex of any kind, period. Yes, there IS a difference between the two...It becomes easy to recognize the difference, but I really think that some of us just aren't built to LIVE the difference.

Maybe you are one of those people.

S.

 

[NaiveOne]

I guess I would have to ask you...WHY do you have to separate the two? It sounds like you have both with your cyber friend. Why would you want to just focus on one or the other if you can have the best of both worlds?

I am one of those people who NEEDS intimacy with sex. I have to have some connection with the other person or I simply cannot enjoy sex. Hell, without that intimacy already in place, I cannot bring myself to have sex of any kind, period. Yes, there IS a difference between the two...It becomes easy to recognize the difference, but I really think that some of us just aren't built to LIVE the difference.

Maybe you are one of those people.

S.

I know I'm a person who can't have sex witout the intimacy, it goes against my nature and everything I believe in.

But my main issue is that I can't even masturbate.

Seriously, in the last 3 and a half months, I've probaly orgasmed alone maybe twice. And I know for a fact one of those was not a good one. Where as before I would at the very least, take care of myself once in a week.

And I know it's not fair to my cyber friend to "use" him because I'm horny... but can't take care of myself.

Maye I can never go back.

Thanks sheath

 

[CelticFrog]

But my main issue is that I can't even masturbate.

That is interesting.

I have no clue, just wanted to say I'll rack my brain and see if I can't find anything to help you.

Ang

 

[sheath]

I know I'm a person who can't have sex witout the intimacy, it goes against my nature and everything I believe in.

But my main issue is that I can't even masturbate.

Seriously, in the last 3 and a half months, I've probaly orgasmed alone maybe twice. And I know for a fact one of those was not a good one. Where as before I would at the very least, take care of myself once in a week.

And I know it's not fair to my cyber friend to "use" him because I'm horny... but can't take care of myself.

Maye I can never go back.

Thanks sheath

I remember your thread now...

When my relationship with my ex-fiance ended, I lost interest in sex for a while. Masturbating wasn't something I cared for. I didn't care if I had an orgasm. It didn't matter, because I was so used to having them with him, I didn't want to have them with myself. It took several months for me to get past that.

Does your friend know all these things about you? Does HE feel as though you are using him for the sex? You say you talk and laugh and enjoy each other in other ways, so to me it doesn't sound like you are using him at all.

Ask yourself these questions: Would I be able to have phone sex with any random guy? Would I be able to enjoy masturbating as long as I had a voice to help me along, no matter who it is? Or is it THAT man, and that intimacy, that sets me off?

If you can answer those questions in a positive light, then you aren't using him. You are enjoying him. Which are two entirely different things.

God, I hope that all made sense.

S.