Sex on a train: 21st century style

[PaulX35]

Feedback please: Sex on a train, 21st century style

Sex on a train was discussed here recently in "Story Ideas".
Was wondering what you think of this - I think new - interpretation of this concept.

Feedback welcomed. Final version to be posted here later; I wanted to hear some response first.



Infrared


The seven fifteen to The Hague moved into motion slowly. Peter stared out the window, watching the chaotically moving crowd. Even during summer holidays the platforms at Utrecht Central were packed.

He saw a man with a suitcase, visibly swearing as the train slid past him.
Tough luck, you missed it, Peter thought.

His laptop popped up the spreadsheet he needed to work on.

In the compartment, people were struggling for a seat. Politeness was absent.
First come, first serve was the law of the morning rush hour.

The woman who sat down opposite him sighed, obviously happy to have found a place to sit. She wore a classy two-piece business outfit, that made her look older than she probably was.

Mid twenties, Peter guessed.

He looked at his screen again, entered yesterday’s sales figures and ran a few macros. Then he went to his email program, and hit “Connect”.
Wireless internet access was a real blessing.

Miss Business Outfit opened her laptop too. Peter gave it half a look.

Compaq, newest release. With wireless access and infrared port too; hmm, fancy machine, he thought.

As he looked up a bit, he saw she had opened her jacket. Not a bad idea. Today was going to be hot again, and the busy compartment felt a bit damp already.

Peter gave her a closer look.

Wow.

Underneath that classy jacket, a thin blouse was bulging dangerously.
He could see contours of a lace bra, the cups pushing her very big breasts together. Part of her cleavage showed behind two buttons that were opened.

Holy fuck, what a breathtaking pair of tits!

His laptop bleeped, making her look up at him.
Peter quickly looked down, pretending to read his email.
Nothing important.

He had trouble concentrating. His eyes went up again, along her legs and skirt. Miss Business Outfit was wearing classic pumps with her two-piece.
Peter wondered when she had last shaved her legs. They looked perfectly soft.

His eyes went further up. Her chest heaved calmly with the pace of her breathing, the blouse opening just a little more as she breathed in.
Miss Business Outfit seemed occupied enough with her work to not notice him peeping at her fabulous bosom.

Of the many things that aroused him in a woman’s body, large breasts were the thing that really thrilled Peter out of his mind. And this was just about instant cum level. He could feel his dick swell rapidly into a huge hard on, throbbing against the bottom of his laptop.

It bleeped again. Peter clicked his email program.

Strange, nothing there.

He tried to concentrate on his spreadsheet figures again. Then he saw the new icon on the bottom right. He clicked it.

“Infrared port connection established. Waiting for reply…”
Peter frowned.

Another bleep.
He was puzzled now.

Another window popped up.
He read it.
Stunned.

<So, you’re like looking at my tits, eh?>

He didn’t even dare to lookup.
Miss Business Outfit?!?

Fucking hell!

He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Another message appeared.

<Surprised now, computer boy?>

And another one. He switched off the beep.

<Yes it’s me alright. Opposite you. Don’t look up. Just type something back >

Peter couldn’t hide a giant blush. But he started typing.

<I don’t know what to say. I feel caught with my pants down!>

He saw her reply fast.

<Hmm, then we would be even. You watching my tits, me watching your bulge. I bet you’re hard for me…I can sense you are, but your laptop is covering my view…>

Jesus, she’s seeing right through me.

It made him feel a little uncomfortable. At the same time, he was strangely excited by this very unusual way of conversation.
He had a lot of questions. How she managed to connect to him. What her name was. But the anonymity possessed a distinct attraction. He wanted to play her game.

His fingers hit the keyboard.

<Maybe you could imagine the laptop not being there?>

<What would I be seeing then?>, she replied.

The messages now flashed onto the screens in rapid succession.

<You would be seeing what you already expected; a very hard swollen crotch>

<That makes me wet, you know>

His cheeks were blushing fiercely now.
This lady really knew how to skip the formalities.

He stared out the widow for a moment. The very Dutch looking morning landscape flashed by. Cows grazing, ditches meandering between the fresh green meadows. A rare windmill in the distant foggy horizon.

Peter still found this a bit hard to believe. But at the same time it was so exciting that he had to continue.

<And how wet would you be then if I’d pull down that classy skirt of yours and touch you between your legs?>

He glanced up for a second, not wanting to break the magic. He had to watch her, just for a moment.

<Don’t look, please. Type, I love your hot questions >

Damn, this is a horny lady

<Give me hot answers then. I just had to check if your tits are really as big as I imagined them to be >

<Oh they are. And err…if you’d pull my panties down as well you would see a dripping cunt. As in really wet. I’m imagining your cock to be hurting now…Is it?>

Peter shifted a bit.

<It is…*giggles*>

A grin appeared on his face.

<I am looking between your legs now. And unclasping your bra. I have to see just how huge your boobs are…>

<Hmm…my cunt aches for your hard cock. Fuck me…>

With a squealing whistle sounding, the train speeded through Gouda Station. Bored looking morning travelers stared at the train flashing by.

<I’m jerking it for you now, and slowly move over to you. Rubbing it against your inner thighs. My hands reach out to finally touch your fabulous tits.>

<Ugh…yes, take me here. Now.>

His cock felt like it could explode any second.

In the right corner of his screen a warning appeared.

“Battery low.”

Fuck, this isn’t true!

He would have to hurry now. Ten minutes maybe, then this unimaginable encounter would extinct in a dead battery. A futile dead battery.
Peter wondered if he could ever forgive himself for having forgotten to reload it yesterday.

Type dammit. Time is running out.
He saw himself obeying his own thoughts.

<Hmm, I can feel your cunt lips touch my cock head now. And my hands knead into your giant tits. The mere touch makes me almost cum on the spot…>

<I buck up, eager for your shameless hard on, my bottom lip trembling. Oh, you’re so hard!>

Peter swallowed, typing frantically.

<God, you’re hot. I slide into your moist cunt now. I can feel you clench>

<Ugh…More, fuck me deep!>

<My hands knead your huge soft boobs, then I thrust in. Deep!>

<Ahhhh, oh god. Can you feel me buck? I need your hard cock. Fuck me!>

<I gyrate, screwing your legs apart, pushing my throbbing cock in deep, deeper, kneading your thrilling tits>

<Ohh, yes, yes. Squeeze my boobs please!>

He didn’t dare to look up. He knew he would instantly cum if he’d cast one more look at her phenomenal breasts.

<Oh yes, feel my hands kneading them. Hard now. My cock is so hot for you. Feel me screw, deep, deep, making you gasp with the impact>

<I grind my clit against your pelvic bone. Bucking up. I need to cum. Make me cum…Aww>

<I slam hard into your now, squishing into your dripping cunt, I feel my balls contract. I’m close too>

<Yes! Yes! Ugh, I’m close, I’m close!>

The train started slowing down as their play came to a height. She might be getting out at Voorburg, he thought.

The “Battery low” flashed again.
Peter was breathing heavily, hoping no one would notice.

<Argh, argh, god…cum with me…now, now…God your tits are so hot!>

<Oh god, hmm, oh, oh, I’m there yes. Fill me with your cum please!>

He heard her keyboard rattle.
The train’s brakes hissed as it slowed more and more.

<Yes, I’m there too! Hmm, god you’re unbelievable>

For a moment, Peter thought he saw her squirm. He didn’t dare to look up anymore.

<Oh, I feel your cum spurt into me, I’m dripping all over my things, ahh>

<I’m cumming so hard, kneading your tits…god, you’re hot>

<Oh, oh…your ejaculating cock feels so good!>

“Voorburg, Voorburg Station,” sounded through the train. The train was coming to a halt.

<Hmm, you make me feel such a slut!>

Peter was typing his reply.

<My God, I’m…
The connection suddenly went dead.

“Infrared port connection disconnected at other end.”

He looked up. His face probably blushing a bright red.

Miss Business Outfit had closed her laptop and stood up.
She decently buttoned the jacket of her two-piece.

Peter stared up, pleading. One touch of his cock would be enough to make him cum for real.

As she walked away, her leg brushed against his.
His eyes followed her as she walked away.

She can’t be just leaving like this

But it seemed she was.
He looked out the window, seeing her step out of the train.

As she came past his window, she winked at him.
Her smile was ravishing.

Peter heard the whistle blow. The train doors closed unavoidably.

As the train started to ride again, he moved past her one last time.

She licked her tongue over her lips subtly, and waved her hand.

It was only two more minutes to The Hague. The intercom announced the final stop already.

As he stared at her a final time, Peter’s computer screen went dead.

 

[sally_uk]

Fantastic story - really really different, enjoyed it right to the end...had me wriggling too...lol. sally

 

[Route66Girl]

Wow, Paul!

You're a talented writer. You're right- this is a nice departure from the whole "sex on a train" concept.

The flow was engaging and tight, the content erotic (read YEOW!). The setting wasn't described with an overabundance of detail... just enough to make me feel like I was "there" (esp. the guy who missed the train- nice moment, lol). I didn't spot any spelling errors or grammar mishaps. As a vignette, there's no real plot at work, so there's nothing to comment on there.

My critical side is at a total loss!

Nice work! I wonder what the final draft is going to be like

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Paul,

voortreffelijk schunnig verhaal !

This is what else I noted as I read:

...if I’d pull down that classy skirt ..

This is just a personal preference on mine. Panties going down are sexy, but I think skirts need to go up. I just feel a woman with her skirt scrunched up around her hips is a sexier image.

He saw himself obeying his own thoughts.

This to me read a little awkwardly. Why not something like, he began getting lost in his own sexual thoughts, or for something a little more crass perhaps, he had no choice but to obey his own cock?

Train travel can be so boring, especially when your alone. I loved the contrasts between that and the excitement of the unexpected 'sex'. Your fragmented sentences were put to good used here too. There's a term for that kind of writing, but I can't remember what it is.

After I had read this, I realised there is very little detail of what was happening between his legs or hers. I read a biography on Alfred Hitchcock a while back, apparantly he used to say, it's wasn't what people saw in his movies that scared the living daylights out of them, it was what they didn't see. I felt with this story, it wasn't so much what I read, but what I didn't read that made it so hot and sexy. Suggestion can be such a powerful tool can't it?

I know some people will say this is just a 'stroke' story, and they would be right, but damn it, it's a damned good one!

For what it's worth, and here it's one vote per reader, I really enjoyed it.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem).

 

[PaulX35]

Thanks for the feeback

voortreffelijk schunnig verhaal !

Alex,

Your Dutch is quite remarkable

...if I’d pull down that classy skirt ..

Well observed. I struggled a little with that line, as pulling a skirt up and pulling panties down in one sentence poses a bit of a writing problem to keep events "fluent".

After I had read this, I realised there is very little detail of what was happening between his legs or hers. I read a biography on Alfred Hitchcock a while back, apparantly he used to say, it's wasn't what people saw in his movies that scared the living daylights out of them, it was what they didn't see. I felt with this story, it wasn't so much what I read, but what I didn't read that made it so hot and sexy. Suggestion can be such a powerful tool can't it?

I think you hit something essential here. The "suspense"-aspect (to use a Hitchcock term) is as important for erotica stories as it is for any other: it's the delicate balance between being explicit enough to lead the reader where you'd want him/her to go, and at the same time leave enough to his own imagination to keep things sufficiently interesting.

I know some people will say this is just a 'stroke' story, and they would be right, but damn it, it's a damned good one!

Thanks a lot for the great compliment It's the stuff that motivates to continue.

 

[PaulX35]

Re: Wow, Paul!

You're a talented writer. You're right- this is a nice departure from the whole "sex on a train" concept.

The flow was engaging and tight, the content erotic (read YEOW!). The setting wasn't described with an overabundance of detail... just enough to make me feel like I was "there" (esp. the guy who missed the train- nice moment, lol). I didn't spot any spelling errors or grammar mishaps. As a vignette, there's no real plot at work, so there's nothing to comment on there.

My critical side is at a total loss!

Nice work! I wonder what the final draft is going to be like

Route66y

Well, what can I say? I'll start doing the final polishing then. Thanks for the motivating compliments.

 

[Guest]

Re: Feedback please: Sex on a train, 21st century style

Holy fuck, what a breathtaking pair of tits!

What a line! Don't tell me... underneath his calm, normal exterior, Peter is really... Robin! Understudy to the scourge of Gotham City crime waves and wearer of tight red, green and yellow lycra!

Of course, what you meant to say was:

Holy fuck, Batman, what a breathtaking pair of tits!

To which Batman (played by Adam West, for it is he) would reply:

Why thank you, Robin, I've been working out.



Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Good story. Thought maybe it could do with a bit more description, a little less expletives, but maybe that was the style. It was interestingly different, I think.

 

[MaxSebastian]

I'm sorry, that last one was me. For some reason I wasn't logged in.

 

[sirhugs]

Cool story , Paul. As I mentioned in Story Ideas, I thought the ending was a bit abrupt. Your use of computer messaging was novel, and effective.

i did not look at this as a stroke story- perhaps because the sensuality is imaginative. It is hot enough to stroke along , but I see it as more layered than most.

 

[PaulX35]

Abrupt ending

Cool story , Paul. As I mentioned in Story Ideas, I thought the ending was a bit abrupt. Your use of computer messaging was novel, and effective.

Sir,

Thanks for the positive remarks. As to the abrupt ending: I tried to create additional tension by that element of batteries running low. I also found it fitting in the story idea to not have events get a follow up. But I'd appreciate any suggestion that succeeds in that without apparently creating ideas of abruptness.

 

[PaulX35]

And here it is...

I revised the story and it was meanwhile accepted.
Initially, it was rejected by the way, for a cute reason. I had all the characters' typed text in <text> brackets, and that makes your story too hard on HTML

If you have any additional comments, I'd be happy to hear them.

Thanks for your feedback

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69441

 

[weed]

I posted in your more recent thread already.

After reading your first edition I find the second much more polished.

Nicely done.

And better without smilies in the story text, anyway.

 

[Octavian]

Sex on a train

I used a train as an analogy in one of my stories. To be perfectly honest this story does not have the degree of eroticism that is inherent in Infrared. In fact I’m not quite sure what my story does have!


'He powered into her like a train. (Although as modern trains have electric motors, the brushes of which go round and round, rather than up and down, the metaphor is rather irrelevant for those who only have only ever seen electric or diesel locomotives. It wouldn’t be a train like the 18.30 service from Euston to Milton Keynes either, because that is nearly always running slowly due to engineering works on the line, and it sometimes even has to stop, which of course it always has to do at Hemel Hempstead and Bletchley because the service is only a semi-fast one, rather than an express. Not only that; it doesn’t even have a buffet car! And if that weren’t bad enough, would you believe that it doesn’t run at all on Sundays! No wonder the bloody country is going to the dogs!) When he finally came he took a moment to recover his breath and then he spoke.

“How was it for you, Clarisse? Did the Earth move for you, like they say it does in the books?

She put down the page of the newspaper devoted to horse racing. “What are you on about?” '





My one completed story and the first chapter of a second (which I'm unlikely to finish!).

 

[Eldridge]

Hi Paul,

Top, meer kan ik niet zeggen.

Not to be rude to our non dutch speaking fellow board members, your story was great. I particularly enjoyed, for some reason, the very abrupt ending. If one has any experience with cybersex at all, they'd know that that is actually very common.

Great story, and a marvelous story hook. I've actually had to do computer support where it took me more than half an hour to figure out the infrared connection was actually whining because it saw a printer all the way on the other side of the room (a good 15 yards away).

My only question would be how she would get a message to pop up like that, but that's really squibbling over totally unimportant details, and of no interest to the story whatsoever.

Excellent work!

Eldridge.

 

[PaulX35]

What can I say but...

Hi Paul,

Top, meer kan ik niet zeggen.

Not to be rude to our non dutch speaking fellow board members, your story was great. I particularly enjoyed, for some reason, the very abrupt ending. If one has any experience with cybersex at all, they'd know that that is actually very common.

Eldridge,

Thanks so much for your very nice comments. It's stuff like this that keeps us motivated to strain the brain for another idea worth writing about

Btw: your Dutch is excellent

Paul