Sex, Food, Gardening, Cooking...

[MattWolf]

Now obviously gardening is all about sex - and I'm not just talking about British women's obsession with Monty Don - but it is all about fertilisation and germination and orgasmic growth and vigorous thrusting of a long hard implement into mother earth...

My metaphors may have escaped me.

Currently growing an almost obscene looking tromboncino squash, a long, curving, thrusting shape, widening at the tip in the most erotic of bellend. I'm not sure I can eat it, would feel like a kind of cock cannibalism.

Anyway, this is a thread for random thoughts about the interconnectedness between sex, food, gardening and cooking.

 

[MattWolf]

Raspberries

I also picked some raspberries today.

They're pretty suggestive as well.

Both the shape, which naturally resembles a women's nipples, ranging from smaller, tighter, firmer fruits right through to the larger, juicer variety. All delicious of course.

Just discovered that raspberry fruit are called 'drupelets'...

Less obviously is the way the fruit comes off the... now I don't know what this bit is called, but for some reason it is very erotic, very sensual. Especially if you pick the fruit with your mouth, which I do obviously, being a little unusual that way.

 

[Cyberbella]

Now obviously gardening is all about sex - and I'm not just talking about British women's obsession with Monty Don - but it is all about fertilisation and germination and orgasmic growth and vigorous thrusting of a long hard implement into mother earth...

My metaphors may have escaped me.

Currently growing an almost obscene looking tromboncino squash, a long, curving, thrusting shape, widening at the tip in the most erotic of bellend. I'm not sure I can eat it, would feel like a kind of cock cannibalism.

Anyway, this is a thread for random thoughts about the interconnectedness between sex, food, gardening and cooking.

Well I’m totally turned on now and will be visiting my produce section soon! lol

 

[AlwaysFara]

This is obvious, but I grow cukes and tomatoes.
My climate lends itself to that, I’m not being 12.

Cukes are super juicy this season.

 

[MattWolf]

Tomatoes

Less obviously erotic.

Although the smell of tomato plants is a pretty heady sensation. If you reach into a bush, your fingers brushing lightly on the soft leaves, a smell is released that is moist and fertile and rich and enticing. Now objectively speaking it smells nothing like a woman's cunt, but in terms of the sensation...

... and then there is popping a perfectly ripe little cherry tomato into your mouth, straight off the plant, picked in the sunshine. It burst in your mouth, warm, sugary, almost obscene in its intensity.

Not everything erotic has to be about sex maybe...

 

[AlwaysFara]

Tomatoes are sexy.

 

[MattWolf]

This is obvious, but I grow cukes and tomatoes.
My climate lends itself to that, I’m not being 12.

Cukes are super juicy this season.

I came back from holiday and picked 17 cucumbers in one go. Felt like a gangbang.

 

[MattWolf]

I came back from holiday and picked 17 cucumbers in one go. Felt like a gangbang.

Not that I've ever had a gangbang.

But. Well. Figuratively and vegetably speaking.

 

[MattWolf]

Well I’m totally turned on now and will be visiting my produce section soon! lol

Come back and tell us what you find and what fun you have...

 

[PinkInPink]

....Especially if you pick the fruit with your mouth, which I do obviously, being a little unusual that way.

I'd be curious to know how you're picking raspberries with your mouth without your lips swelling up like Dolly Parton's tits from all the little raspberry plant thorns and hairs.

 

[MattWolf]

I'd be curious to know how you're picking raspberries with your mouth without your lips swelling up like Dolly Parton's tits from all the little raspberry plant thorns and hairs.

Carefully is the answer. While imagining that you are a goat. Wrapping your lips around the soft dropelets and then pulling, gently but firmly.

If you've doubts practice on a friend's nipples first.

 

[PinkInPink]

Carefully is the answer. While imagining that you are a goat. Wrapping your lips around the soft dropelets and then pulling, gently but firmly.

If you've doubts practice on a friend's nipples first.

Good advice. I'll work on getting a friend first, then work up to goat lips on their nipples.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Carefully is the answer. While imagining that you are a goat. Wrapping your lips around the soft dropelets and then pulling, gently but firmly.

If you've doubts practice on a friend's nipples first.

Unsubscribed.

Ew.

 

[MattWolf]

Unsubscribed.

Ew.

Goatphobia?

But I apologise. I can't afford to lose my own reader.

 

[MattWolf]

Good advice. I'll work on getting a friend first, then work up to goat lips on their nipples.

You could hang out in the raspberry bushes, always a good place to find a friend.

Or lurk amongst the marrows, you'll find a particularly engorged kind of friend there.

Friendships amongst potatoes also have their merits, embedded, stable, reliable, but with hidden depth.

I just avoid the sweet peas, the are gorious and smell great, but sweet pea friendships don't tend to last long.

 

[Jada59]

Unsubscribed.

Ew.

Hehehe.

 

[MattWolf]

Hehehe.

Let me be clear, we're not talking a real goat!

 

[Jada59]

Let me be clear, we're not talking a real goat!

Ohhh. Okay then!

 

[MattWolf]

Ohhh. Okay then!

Real raspberries however. Which might be beyond the pale for those with nervous dispositions or who prefer their food processed.

 

[Jada59]

Real raspberries however. Which might be beyond the pale for those with nervous dispositions or who prefer their food processed.

I like whole foods.

 

[MattWolf]

Where to fuck...

Where to fuck in the garden...

In the shed? The potting shed if you have one, amongst the spiders and empty plant pots and the rakes and hoes.... You brace yourself against the wheelbarrow, that's right.... just like that.

Or amongst the vegetable beds, as long as you don't squash anything. Not the marrows, unless the gent is very secure in his manhood.

The greenhouse? Possible, but only for people who don't flail their limbs around and are into exhibitionism.

But my vote goes to the polytunnel. The warmth, the humid fertility, the sweaty temperature rising with the sweaty bodies.

 

[PinkInPink]

Friendships amongst potatoes also have their merits, embedded, stable, reliable, but with hidden depth.

I can speak to this even if its tongue in cheek. The school me and my other half went to let kids out for 2 weeks every fall to harvest potatoes. Worked next to some of my best friends there.

Also, the shit is a poly tunnel?

 

[MattWolf]

I can speak to this even if its tongue in cheek. The school me and my other half went to let kids out for 2 weeks every fall to harvest potatoes. Worked next to some of my best friends there.

In theory - or in mythology - the entire school and university calendar is set up around the harvest, which is why the academic year traditionally begins in late Sept.

In practice I don't think may of my students are spend their long summer helping bring the harvest in. Although some maybe do spend it sowing their wild oats.

 

[MattWolf]

Also, the shit is a poly tunnel?

polytunnel
/ˈpɒlɪtʌnl/

noun

an elongated polythene-covered frame under which seedlings or other plants are grown outdoors.

Or

an elongated polythene-covered frame under which horny gardeners plough their furrow, sow their seeds and thrust vigorously into fertile parts.

 

[SMNaughtywife]

Grab a cucumber baby and meet me behind the shed. A li’l DP action is in order.
What a filthy fucken garden this is!