Sex book for inhibited wife

[catimann]

Five years ago she wouldn't give a BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and more.

She has come a long way and I think will go further with the right reading material. She is really kind of shy about sex, certainly can't talk about it. I felt she is sort of a 50's good girl who "just can't do that" because of what she learned at a young age.

But I think she can learn to more enjoy sex, erotica and maybe even porn given some material that shows her it is not wrong. Something that explains sexuality as a healthy fun thing. (She is still at a "It's dirty and wrong" stage) At this point I think she has opened her mind to different ideas after I took her to Fantasy Fest in Key West last year. After a week of watching others have a good time she seems far more open to liberating her sexual mind and being. She wants to go back and was disappointed it was canceled this year.

So what books or web sites would be a good way to ease her into a more liberal mind set?

Thanks!

PS if you read this and expect an answer for any kind of book or link search elsewhere. Time wasted.

 

[NightL]

so if I were to read your post strictly as you have written it, are you saying you impose "BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and more" on someone who does not want this?

What exactly are you wanting? Maybe you need to figure that out and talk to your wife.

Why don't you introduce your Lit posts to your wife - that could be a good opening for discussion.

Out of curiosity is your wife the girlfriend you were talking of in 2015?
https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=65096091&postcount=3

 

[SisterJezabel]

It's not about reading the right material! It's about communicating with your life partner about her wants and needs. To be honest, I'd suggest a relationship counsellor for you both!

 

[catimann]

so if I were to read your post strictly as you have written it, are you saying you impose "BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and more" on someone who does not want this?

What exactly are you wanting? Maybe you need to figure that out and talk to your wife.

I stated what I was looking for. "So what books or web sites would be a good way to ease her into a more liberal mind set?"

That said why do all of you always assume? Why are the assumptions always negative as in the second reply? Is there no benefit of the doubt you have or is everyone so fixed on the negative that a decent relationship that grows over time isn't possible?

These forums would be a lot better if people answered the basic questions more and didn't turn them into an inquiry with predetermined answers.

Most us are not English majors who can write the perfect question to satisfy all the negative assumptions that pop into peoples heads.

Also I beg to differ about the reading material. If someone believes the world is flat then a discussion may not get you very far. Providing facts and science in the form of a discussion probably won't help either. Perhaps some sound fact based books or introduction to a site like NASA would start the eye opening. If you don't like my analogy then I am sorry.

An answer would help. As for the rest, just keep it to yourself. There is no point and you help no one.

 

[jehoram]

Five years ago she wouldn't give a BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and more.

She has come a long way and I think will go further with the right reading material. She is really kind of shy about sex, certainly can't talk about it. I felt she is sort of a 50's good girl who "just can't do that" because of what she learned at a young age.

But I think she can learn to more enjoy sex, erotica and maybe even porn given some material that shows her it is not wrong. Something that explains sexuality as a healthy fun thing. (She is still at a "It's dirty and wrong" stage) At this point I think she has opened her mind to different ideas after I took her to Fantasy Fest in Key West last year. After a week of watching others have a good time she seems far more open to liberating her sexual mind and being. She wants to go back and was disappointed it was canceled this year.

So what books or web sites would be a good way to ease her into a more liberal mind set?

Thanks!

Well, as a nudist I can tell you that going nude and sex are really two different things. One can enjoy being nude with other people without attaching an erotic component to it. In fact, naturism frowns on looking at nudity as a purely sexual thing, and things like PDAs and erections are usually not welcome there.

Try giving her books like Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" and its sequels, and Nin's "Delta of Venus" and "Little Birds." Friday's books are especially recommended because they are about women confiding their sexual fantasies to the author. If your wife realizes that other women have active imaginations, it might reassure her that she can, too.

And you probably realize that it has to go both ways. If she's willing to give you a blow job, you have to be willing to give head if she wants it. And if it really presents an obstacle to your relationship, counseling is certainly in order.

 

[gxnn]

Well, as a nudist I can tell you that going nude and sex are really two different things. One can enjoy being nude with other people without attaching an erotic component to it. In fact, naturism frowns on looking at nudity as a purely sexual thing, and things like PDAs and erections are usually not welcome there.

Sorry to distract a little.
But if I am new in the beach, an erection can be unavoided because it is the natural reaction of a healthy man when seeing a naked woman. Perhaps it will take more time to get used to that, haha.

About books on good sex, I think they are also good for men. I want to read some as well. Perhaps Asian men cannot directly apply without innovation the sexual technique they learn from Western books to the real battle due to the difference of genitals in size and measurements.

 

[NightL]

To be honest I am in total agreement with SisterJezabel. Your issue is about communication with your wife and not of the search for the holy grail to solve yet another "how do I convince my wife".

Your post is contradictory - your opening sentence would indicate that in the last five years your wife has opened up into participating in things that you want but what is she getting in return? You, however, go on to say you are still not satisfied and want to find the magic formula for her to be even more expressive, no doubt again for your own enjoyment in receiving.

So I ask again, what exactly do you feel you are missing out on? The answer is not "I want a book to convince her…". What do you want?

To be honest, though, you describe a very self-centred approach toward sex as BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and Fantasy Fest is all about you isn’t it? So maybe you are simply not listening to what she wants.

Rather than thinking you are missing out on something and your wife needs to lift her game, maybe you should actually consider what your wife wants. If you honestly believe she is "It's dirty and wrong" then it is a very high chance you are the one who needs to adjust because it would appear there is something about your approach which is not working for her at all.

Rather than be on a self-centred mission of "I want more" and "how do I convince her…" flip it around and be on a mission to "how do I give more". You don’t need to ask strangers on a forum for help on this, you need to ask and most importantly listen to your wife. Listen to and respect your wife’s wishes. Try to get to know her desires intimately, listen to how she responds, pay attention to her breathing, her body movements and keep on asking questions and respond positively toward the answers. Apparently in your 2015 post being vocal shouldn’t be an issue for either of you.

If you get it right, she will want more – simple as that really. So if you feel something is lacking chances are it is actually what you offer her. Base your relationship around giving and you may just well find what you get in return will blow your mind. Give it a try, what have you got to lose if you don’t, a marriage?

Be the most amazing lover your wife could ever dream to have and not what you impose on her.

It starts with listening to the most important person in your life.

 

[jehoram]

Sorry to distract a little.
But if I am new in the beach, an erection can be unavoided because it is the natural reaction of a healthy man when seeing a naked woman. Perhaps it will take more time to get used to that, haha.

There are a zillion posts about that on nudist forums. On a beach, it's usually condoned if you're not making a point of calling attention to it. The only time feathers get ruffled are if there are children about, and they haven't been given "the talk" about how males get erections now and then and there's nothing special about them.

But in some areas, the display of an erection can be construed as "lewd and lascivious behavior" which puts you in legal jeopardy, or puts the beach itself in danger of losing its status as a nude beach. So you have to go slow, and ask around to see what the rules are at that particular beach.

In most of the "landed" clubs and resorts, on the other hand, a guy is expected to keep his penis soft and, if it's hard, to hide it with a towel or by lying on his stomach until it subsides. The only exceptions to this that I know of are clubs that are targeted to gay males.

One more thing: you're right that this is only a problem for newcomers. In our society, nudity is linked with sex because nudity is usually only encountered in sexual situations. It's the classic Pavlovian stimulus-response effect. But as you get accustomed to the site of nude people in non-sexual situations, the stimulus-response link is broken and erections cease to be a problem.

About books on good sex, I think they are also good for men. I want to read some as well. Perhaps Asian men cannot directly apply without innovation the sexual technique they learn from Western books to the real battle due to the difference of genitals in size and measurements.

According to most of the studies I've seen, the difference is negligible, so don't worry about it. It's odd how Eastern men are scouring Western books for sexual techniques, while Western men are scouring Eastern books for sexual techniques. (The Kama Sutra comes to mind.)

 

[SisterJezabel]

D

I stated what I was looking for. "So what books or web sites would be a good way to ease her into a more liberal mind set?"

I’m not sure why you think it’s books that are needed. Humans are complex and have values systems that are honed over many years. Your wife has not said she doesn’t like chocolate ice cream and you are looking for ways to convince her to try it.

I have a friend who grew up in a very conservative home and held very conservative values through the early years of her marriage. She had 4 children in 6 years to her husband and stayed home with them. He finally convinced her to loosen up and experience a FFM 3some. She and the woman are now married and have a child together. His and her children live with the women and he is a bitter and twisted middle aged man. She now has a career and an amazing life. He has he opposite.

 

[catimann]

I am amazed at how you people can assume, then make up ideas in your head as to who I am and what I expect.
Some of you are just down right ignorant.

For example: "To be honest, though, you describe a very self-centred approach toward sex as BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and Fantasy Fest is all about you isn’t it? So maybe you are simply not listening to what she wants.

1 A BJ can be something a woman likes to do much as I LOVE to eat pussy. But you assume I am self centred
2) A nude beach is just that. If you don't understand then I suggest you look up and read about FKK. I get it but the rest of you have assumed again.
3) Yup taking it up the ass was for me but I am really amazed how she wants it more than I do. But then you have your preconceived idea of how things work between us and thus this can't be true.
4) Fantasy Fest was also for me however I did say she wanted to go back. Did you miss that? She had a great time there but I doubt you can compute that as your program has already sent you down the "He's not listening" path and there is not go to line 10 feature in your program.

It is sad that there has to be so much troll like activity in so many sites and forums. Anyone who reads all this and actually believes me will not bother to post questions here. I know I will not. The ignorance and presumptions taken are not worth the time to reply thus far. If I have actually gotten through to you then take one bit of advise from me. Just answer the question.

 

[SisterJezabel]

I am amazed at how you people can assume, then make up ideas in your head as to who I am and what I expect.
Some of you are just down right ignorant.

Thanks for the PM pointing this out to me. If you are looking for a book on how to change human behaviour might I suggest looking at Freud and/or Jung and enrolling in a psychology degree. If your wife is giving great head, going to nude beaches and liking going to sex cons, then what have you got to worry about?

 

[NightL]

"BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and Fantasy Fest" = "It's dirty and wrong" for your wife
These are your words
According to you what is occurring now is unsatisfying and needs to be changed
These are your words
According to you your wife needs to change
These are your words
yet here you are with "BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and Fantasy Fest" = "It's dirty and wrong" for your wife
Maybe the "BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and Fantasy Fest" needs to change because in your words she considers it "dirty and wrong". It would seem the current approach is not working for her.

Invite your wife to participate in this discussion here on Lit. I’d be curious to hear of her opinion, especially your reaction to my suggestion that you should listen to her and to find out what she wants. Oh, you don’t share Literotica with her? Your communication and trust as a couple is not on that level?

Do you really know what your wife likes, desires and wants? Do you know how to make her wishes spectacular for her?

Your indignation is telling...

 

[Bramblethorn]

For example: "To be honest, though, you describe a very self-centred approach toward sex as BJ, go to a nude beach, take it up the ass and Fantasy Fest is all about you isn’t it? So maybe you are simply not listening to what she wants.

1 A BJ can be something a woman likes to do much as I LOVE to eat pussy. But you assume I am self centred

Let me tell you about my friend Jill.

Jill loves donuts, but she feels uncomfortable treating herself. So what she'll do is say "Hey, Bramble, would you like a donut? I can drive you to the donut shop!" and I'll say yes, because I like donuts. Then she'll order donuts for both of us. This way, she gets the donut she craves, but she can think of it as "doing something nice for Bramble" instead of "giving myself a treat".

Don't get me wrong: I enjoy the donut. But it's not really an altruistic act on her part. It's happening because she wants a donut, and getting me a donut as well is how she gives herself permission to do that. If she then started telling people how generous she was for driving me to the donut shop all the time, I might feel a bit uncomfortable with that.

This is how you're coming across here. It's great that you're looking to ensure your wife has fun too, that you're not just pressuring her into something unpleasant for your own gratification. And it's quite okay to look for ways to make the two of you more compatible; if you're getting more BJs and she's enjoying giving them, it's a win-win.

But if it were solely about her pleasure... there are easier ways to do that. You could have just read her poetry, or bought her a roller-derby outfit, or whatever it is that she already enjoyed, instead of doing the hard work of changing somebody's sexual preferences.

Again, nothing at all wrong with advocating for your own pleasure, in a respectful and consensual way, which is what this sounds like. But it seems disingenuous to talk about it as if it was being done all for her sake, and I think that's why you're getting the response you have been here.

(And if you're asking her to make big changes for reasons that have a lot to do with your pleasure, even if those changes are also eventually beneficial for her, it might also be worth thinking about what changes you are making for her sake.)

 

[catimann]

Let me tell you about my friend Jill.

Jill loves donuts, but she feels uncomfortable treating herself. So what she'll do is say "Hey, Bramble, would you like a donut? I can drive you to the donut shop!" and I'll say yes, because I like donuts. Then she'll order donuts for both of us. This way, she gets the donut she craves, but she can think of it as "doing something nice for Bramble" instead of "giving myself a treat".

Don't get me wrong: I enjoy the donut. But it's not really an altruistic act on her part. It's happening because she wants a donut, and getting me a donut as well is how she gives herself permission to do that. If she then started telling people how generous she was for driving me to the donut shop all the time, I might feel a bit uncomfortable with that.

This is how you're coming across here. It's great that you're looking to ensure your wife has fun too, that you're not just pressuring her into something unpleasant for your own gratification. And it's quite okay to look for ways to make the two of you more compatible; if you're getting more BJs and she's enjoying giving them, it's a win-win.

But if it were solely about her pleasure... there are easier ways to do that. You could have just read her poetry, or bought her a roller-derby outfit, or whatever it is that she already enjoyed, instead of doing the hard work of changing somebody's sexual preferences.

Again, nothing at all wrong with advocating for your own pleasure, in a respectful and consensual way, which is what this sounds like. But it seems disingenuous to talk about it as if it was being done all for her sake, and I think that's why you're getting the response you have been here.

(And if you're asking her to make big changes for reasons that have a lot to do with your pleasure, even if those changes are also eventually beneficial for her, it might also be worth thinking about what changes you are making for her sake.)

Thanks for your comment.

 

[Athalia]

Try giving her books like Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" and its sequels, and Nin's "Delta of Venus" and "Little Birds." Friday's books are especially recommended because they are about women confiding their sexual fantasies to the author. If your wife realizes that other women have active imaginations, it might reassure her that she can, too.

I second those recommendations, especially the first.

And you probably realize that it has to go both ways. If she's willing to give you a blow job, you have to be willing to give head if she wants it. And if it really presents an obstacle to your relationship, counseling is certainly in order.

And does it need to be added that if she doesn't want head, it's not up to you to make her want it or to feel that she's somehow letting you down by not wanting it? It's totally up to her to decide when or even if she wants it (or anything else in bed).