sex and SCI ... any experiences?

[meowminx]

Just wondering if anyone here has had any experience with sexual partners who have suffered a spinal cord injury of any kind...

I'm in a new relationship with an amazing, stupidly sexy guy who's had an accident ~10yrs ago that has left him quadriplegic. Funilly, we have a more active and exciting sex life than I've had in the 7 years with my able-bodied athletic ex boyfriend But things are still very new, and I still feel slightly too self-conscious to ask him about some things, and I don't want to make *him* self-conscious by admitting that I've been reading up and researching about it.

So, anyone else in the same boat, or has any experience with this?

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Despite having a para in the family, I actually know nothing about their sexual capabilities beyond a simple "they can". What I CAN tell you is that he's a lucky guy to have a woman like you.

I think the Guide To Getting It On has a chapter about it, but it's been a while since I've skimmed through that book.

 

[meowminx]

Despite having a para in the family, I actually know nothing about their sexual capabilities beyond a simple "they can". What I CAN tell you is that he's a lucky guy to have a woman like you.

I think the Guide To Getting It On has a chapter about it, but it's been a while since I've skimmed through that book.

Thanks, TD

I guess I'm not really wondering about capabilities, I'm aware(ish) to a certain degree what his body will allow us to do... (well, I became more aware I guess, this weekend)... A huge part of my sexual experience, and I suspect most healthy people's, is providing pleasure to the other person, so I guess I wanted to hear what other people in a similar situation have found to be a turn on, and how they cope with the lack of physical manifestation of arousal in their partner...

And, it's *me* that's lucky, he's truly an amazing guy and I'm head over heels

Thanks for the book suggestion, too, I'll look into it.

 

[cryforme1v]

I dont really have any advice but my kudos to you.
Its rare to find someone that sees you for you, but to see past a disability like this is another. Takes an amazing, caring person.
Now if only more people in the world were like you.

Hats off to ya, girl. <3

 

[SweetErika]

I don't have any experience with this, but Sex and the Disabled is a thread that has a ton of great insights and is well worth the read, IIRC.

 

[Quoll]

This thread might have some helpful info.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=354668

Yeah well if my internet hadn't dropped out I would have got in first you know.

 

[meowminx]

Thanks for the suggestions, great thread, wish the guy who started it was still active on the boards...

and thanks for saying nice things about me, although I really don't feel like I'm doing an especially noble or caring thing, I simply fell in love with a gorgeous, sexy, highly intelligent and creative man, who just happened to get around a little differently to most of us. i'm still pretty uncomfortable with some of the terminology though, i hate using the word 'disabled' and the first time he himself said 'quadriplegic' i nearly cried (I knew that's what the situation was, but it was somehow a lot starker, when said that way)..

 

[infinity706]

Oh, I'm sure he'll be pleased that you researched it. It's not like people come that good at sex, anyway. While I've never had sex with someone with a SCI, I've had plenty of disabled people. Really, what you can do is going to be limited by how high up this SCI is, since he's not going to have that much feeling below that. Mostly, the best thing you can do is treat him as much like a normal guy as reasonably possible. Of course, from a sexual pleasure perspective, he might even still be able to have orgasms. I couldn't tell you how, but it might be something as simple as sucking on his nipples. It's sort of like amputees. The brain rewires itself in weird ways when it can't communicate with all the parts it expects to. You'll just have to experiment with what he can feel.

Now, the big deal isn't likely the sex. It's the simple fact that you're going to likely have to help him take care of himself. Depending on the person, it can certainly be less stressful than dealing with a typical 'high maintenance' boyfriend, but it's still going to be a serious time and energy commitment.

 

[meowminx]

Oh, I'm sure he'll be pleased that you researched it. It's not like people come that good at sex, anyway. While I've never had sex with someone with a SCI, I've had plenty of disabled people. Really, what you can do is going to be limited by how high up this SCI is, since he's not going to have that much feeling below that. Mostly, the best thing you can do is treat him as much like a normal guy as reasonably possible. Of course, from a sexual pleasure perspective, he might even still be able to have orgasms. I couldn't tell you how, but it might be something as simple as sucking on his nipples. It's sort of like amputees. The brain rewires itself in weird ways when it can't communicate with all the parts it expects to. You'll just have to experiment with what he can feel.

Now, the big deal isn't likely the sex. It's the simple fact that you're going to likely have to help him take care of himself. Depending on the person, it can certainly be less stressful than dealing with a typical 'high maintenance' boyfriend, but it's still going to be a serious time and energy commitment.

He broke his neck, I think his injury is classed as c5, complete.. he cannot feel anything below his nipples.. we had a couple of little talks about it, and he's very open but i'm scared of asking too much, in case it brings on bad memories, I don't want him upset. I know of a few little zones that he likes touched, and we're both having heaps of fun discovering new ones... but I'm finding it a little difficult dealing with the smaller things, things like waking up early in the morning and snuggling up to him, and him not responding... he doesn't even wake up because he can't feel me cuddling him i'm an early riser, and it feels a little lonely, lying in bed for 2-3 hours with the man of your dreams not squeezing you back.
As far as the taking care of him part, he gets trained carers who visit him morning and night, in fact, we met through one of them. I'm still not a 100% familiar with his routine, it feels like a pretty private thing, so I figure he'll let me know when he feels comfortable. He's very independent so I highly doubt he'll ever feel like a burden, our only argument we've had to date was about me 'helping too much', so I think we'll be ok. And if not, well, we'll deal with it when we get there, we're in it together...

 

[infinity706]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, it's hard to wake me up, too. I can have little dogs walking around on top of me from what I've been told. It might help to go ahead and get out of bed early. You can spend cuddling time when he gets up.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

It might help to go ahead and get out of bed early. You can spend cuddling time when he gets up.

I'll second that. I frequently wake up before my fiancee, and knowing that she'll want to sleep for another hour or two, I just get out of bed and go about my day. She'll sleepily look for me when she gets up, at which point I crawl back in bed with her until she's really ready to get up.

 

[Bad101]

Here is a great forum to get more information on SCI.

http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/index.php

 

[Somehowyou]

I'm in a new relationship with an amazing, stupidly sexy guy who's had an accident ~10yrs ago that has left him quadriplegic. Funilly, we have a more active and exciting sex life than I've had in the 7 years with my able-bodied athletic ex boyfriend

Wow, your ex was doing something wrong. This doesn't say much for his skills. Good luck to you!

 

[meowminx]

Here is a great forum to get more information on SCI.

http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/index.php

Thanks, Bad...
I have been lurking on the rutgers sci forum for a while, but I'm scared to post anything in case he's ever on there, or his family or friends... And I thought I'd ask here seeing it's more oriented towards sex etc..

Wow, your ex was doing something wrong. This doesn't say much for his skills. Good luck to you!

And yeah, my ex was a dud. Stupidly I didn't see it for years and I've left it erode away at my self confidence for way too long. Real men are not scared of pussy. I got myself a real man now.

 

[Adakgirl]

Yes, I have had experience with this sort of thing and the man whom I was with... who had no feeling from the neck down, was all about pleasuring me with his mouth while I "sat on his face". Other words he got off by enjoying the pleasure of licking, biting and sucking my pussy and making me come to a screamingmeeeeemie orgasm. How we went about this? We talked about it and he told me he wanted my knees between his ears and I kept a good grip on the headboard to keep my balance, and I did not "sit" on his face but gently played my pussy and ass where he most wanted them to be.

Takes a little maneuvering to get it right, depending on how you both are built.
Trust me, that man gave me the best orgasms I have ever had, compared with having sex with a fully able bodied man.
You really need to relax and just ask him, talk to him about it. No need to wonder. I am sure he will be more than happy to tell you. He's had plenty of time to come to grips with his abilities as they are now. As far as not seeing him get hard? Ohhhhh you'll know, his tongue will tell you when he's hot. Good luck and try straddling his face one morning..before you cuddle...lol

 

[meowminx]

Yes, I have had experience with this sort of thing and the man whom I was with... who had no feeling from the neck down, was all about pleasuring me with his mouth while I "sat on his face". Other words he got off by enjoying the pleasure of licking, biting and sucking my pussy and making me come to a screamingmeeeeemie orgasm. How we went about this? We talked about it and he told me he wanted my knees between his ears and I kept a good grip on the headboard to keep my balance, and I did not "sit" on his face but gently played my pussy and ass where he most wanted them to be.

Takes a little maneuvering to get it right, depending on how you both are built.
Trust me, that man gave me the best orgasms I have ever had, compared with having sex with a fully able bodied man.
You really need to relax and just ask him, talk to him about it. No need to wonder. I am sure he will be more than happy to tell you. He's had plenty of time to come to grips with his abilities as they are now. As far as not seeing him get hard? Ohhhhh you'll know, his tongue will tell you when he's hot. Good luck and try straddling his face one morning..before you cuddle...lol

Thanks hon,

yeah we've done all those fun things his kitchen bench seems to be purposefuly built, just the right height for all sorts of brilliant fun and I don't know if it was out of necessity due to his situation, or if he's always had the skills before the accident, but he does the most amazing things with his tongue! just looking at his gorgeous mouth makes me squirm thinking about it..
i know he loves to watch me play with myself and we've had some great times that way, or I'll take his hands and get myself off with his fingers touching me. as i said, loads more fun in the bedroom that my ex boyfriend before him.
oh and he's got the most deliciously dirty mouth and his timing with words is impeccable, just the right amount of filth to get me so horny without it ever feeling awkward...
we've agreed to bring some toys into play soon too, so i'm pretty keen for an overnight stay soon

if someone had told me six months ago that i would be sexually attracted to someone with an injury like that to this degree, i wouldn't have believed them. i know it may sounds awfully shallow, but i guess we're trained from an early age to seek out 'perfection' whatever it may be...

i guess i was wondering about the more emotional aspects of it all, i know he's had girls walk out before because they wanted stuff he couldn't provide. how do i deal with it if it becomes an issue? i admit i have cheated on my partner in the past, due to differences in our sex drives, i don't want it to happen with this guy for reasons beyond his control.

 

[infinity706]

Well, if you are going to try out some toys http://www.bettersex.com/Sex-Toys/Dildos/Dongs/sp-sedeux-strap-on-chest-harness-dildo-kit-2580.aspx should be pretty interesting. Not only is it good for up close action, it's good for having the exact, perfect dick for every position you want to do, including ones that vibrate, do 360s, or whatever you want.

 

[Adakgirl]

Meow,
If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it. Try not to muddy the waters with preconceived problems that have yet to be manifested. Enjoy what you have and go with it from a positive stand point. Any negativity brought into the mix is going to be of your own choice.

 

[meowminx]

Meow,
If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it. Try not to muddy the waters with preconceived problems that have yet to be manifested. Enjoy what you have and go with it from a positive stand point. Any negativity brought into the mix is going to be of your own choice.

i know, i know... i do tend to think doom and gloom and sabotage relationships early, regardless of who i'm with. he's a great communicator but after spending the last 7 years with a boy who supressed everything and never complained until it was too late, i find it really hard to be open to discussing things... i get all clammed up and can't express myself..

Well, if you are going to try out some toys http://www.bettersex.com/Sex-Toys/Dildos/Dongs/sp-sedeux-strap-on-chest-harness-dildo-kit-2580.aspx should be pretty interesting. Not only is it good for up close action, it's good for having the exact, perfect dick for every position you want to do, including ones that vibrate, do 360s, or whatever you want.

thanks for the link, infinity,
having come from a very vanilla sort of relationship, i have to admit, i find strap-ons a little kinky and i guess intimidating... but they did come up in conversation the other day, and i'm pretty sure i could get over that and learn to have some different fun with my man

 

[saah0203]

Thanks, TD

I guess I'm not really wondering about capabilities, I'm aware(ish) to a certain degree what his body will allow us to do... (well, I became more aware I guess, this weekend)... A huge part of my sexual experience, and I suspect most healthy people's, is providing pleasure to the other person, so I guess I wanted to hear what other people in a similar situation have found to be a turn on, and how they cope with the lack of physical manifestation of arousal in their partner...

And, it's *me* that's lucky, he's truly an amazing guy and I'm head over heels

Thanks for the book suggestion, too, I'll look into it.

Reading what you wrote about him actually made me tear up. You sound like a amazing person and definitly a bigger person than me. Good luck with you both and best of luck with everything, you guys desearve it.

 

[infinity706]

i know, i know... i do tend to think doom and gloom and sabotage relationships early, regardless of who i'm with. he's a great communicator but after spending the last 7 years with a boy who supressed everything and never complained until it was too late, i find it really hard to be open to discussing things... i get all clammed up and can't express myself..




thanks for the link, infinity,
having come from a very vanilla sort of relationship, i have to admit, i find strap-ons a little kinky and i guess intimidating... but they did come up in conversation the other day, and i'm pretty sure i could get over that and learn to have some different fun with my man

Strap ons are fun. I'm a 'normal' guy and I use them for double penetration. (nevermind being fuck by a woman with one) Of course, they also make a chin strapon if it's important to you that he be able to thrust into you. That's not even counting how unfair it is to normal guys to have a tongue and a 'dick' an inch from each other.

 

[phoenix1105]

Hi guys, I wanted to add another idea or two that may help. Let me first state that I am a social worker/therapist so I have seen people in tough time with physicals limitations that had to be addressed. Second, find a phone book and on the inside cover a blue or yellow page that lists hospitals in the surrounding area. If you can find out what hospitals are public owned i.e. the government vs. those hospitals owned by individuals and corporations. The ones owned by public are able to offer more resources to you without holding the bill over your heads.

Another great thing about public hospitals is that they usually have social workers on staff that help a family get the help they need. It shouldn't making any difference if you guys are married or not. The social worker might know of a group or center in the area that helps people with SCI exclusively. In theory :fingers crossed: the social worker should be able to help you get anything that could help you.

Another thing that sometimes works out very well is if you guys can hook up with the Hospice House in the area. Hospice doesn't guarantee you will get anything, but with such limiting injuries, you may be able to get a diagnosis of something like major depressive disorder because of an injury, or even failure to strive if living conditions aren't the best they could be.

If either have any questions about the stuff I listed here feel free to PM me and I will get back to you.

 

[meowminx]

Hi guys, I wanted to add another idea or two that may help. Let me first state that I am a social worker/therapist so I have seen people in tough time with physicals limitations that had to be addressed. Second, find a phone book and on the inside cover a blue or yellow page that lists hospitals in the surrounding area. If you can find out what hospitals are public owned i.e. the government vs. those hospitals owned by individuals and corporations. The ones owned by public are able to offer more resources to you without holding the bill over your heads.

Another great thing about public hospitals is that they usually have social workers on staff that help a family get the help they need. It shouldn't making any difference if you guys are married or not. The social worker might know of a group or center in the area that helps people with SCI exclusively. In theory :fingers crossed: the social worker should be able to help you get anything that could help you.

Another thing that sometimes works out very well is if you guys can hook up with the Hospice House in the area. Hospice doesn't guarantee you will get anything, but with such limiting injuries, you may be able to get a diagnosis of something like major depressive disorder because of an injury, or even failure to strive if living conditions aren't the best they could be.

If either have any questions about the stuff I listed here feel free to PM me and I will get back to you.

Hi Phoenix, thanks for the info...

The injury is quite old, 10+ years, so a lot of the things you talk about have already been sorted, my guy has carers come to his place twice a day, but aside from that, he is extremely independent and probably has a more active social life than I do! It helps that he is ridiculously intelligent, very good looking and a bit cheeky
I guess he's had many years to come to terms with the situation, and that is why I am struggling with it a little, I have absolutely zero experience with any of this, and I feel guilty complaining and freaking out, when it's him that's personally affected by it.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your input...

 

[TashanaSt]

HI.. my husband is a quad (14 years) and we have been through the list of sexual experiences available together. I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to offer some support or ideas if you need.

 

[meowminx]

HI.. my husband is a quad (14 years) and we have been through the list of sexual experiences available together. I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to offer some support or ideas if you need.

Thanks, Tash,
I really appreciate it...
The relationship is still in its early days and so far we haven't encountered any major issues/problems, so I guess I'm just trying to prepare myself and broaden my repertoire so to speak so any and all advice will be fantastic.
Do you mind me asking how your husband acquired the injury? and did you meet him before or after?