sex and hunger

[paquin]

Hi. I’ve been reading the BDSM board for a couple of weeks now. I’m a 25 year-old female. I live in Miami where I’m in medical school. I’m straight, though I’d love to try sex with a woman sometime. I’m very submissive in bed, “vanilla” bed, that is. My sexual fantasies usually involve simultaneous pain and pleasure. Is this something I need to explore more? I don’t know yet…

Anyway, here’s why I’m writing. I habitually restrict my food intake. Now, I’ve never considered myself to have an eating disorder before. I’m definitely thin, but I’m not unwell. And, here’s the thing: I associate hunger with sex and feeling sexy. I love my stomach to be flat and empty when I’m having sex. I like to feel waif-like, delicate, and ultimately pierced. I actually stop eating half a day or so before a possible sexual encounter. When my stomach is empty, and I mean hollow-feeling, I have the incredible desire to be filled...a little farther down. I want intercourse, fingering, fisting, anything. (I’m talking vaginal, not anal.)

So, I’m wondering what you all think. Is this some weird form of BDSM? Does anyone relate? Or is this just my unique sexuality? I’d be so pleased if this message peaked your interests and you decided to respond. Thanks.

 

[tassie]

edited because i can be a facetious bugger at inappropriate times.

 

[Shadowsdream]

paquin


It is a new concept to Me but I will be watching this thread to see the responses you recieve.

I personally do not see a BDSM connection but that does not mean there is not one.

 

[cymbidia]

So, I’m wondering what you all think. Is this some weird form of BDSM? Does anyone relate? Or is this just my unique sexuality? I’d be so pleased if this message peaked your interests and you decided to respond. Thanks.

Hello paquin and welcome to this place.

BDSM is about control.

We control ourselves and our environment. We control what we feel and how we feel it. We are *all* control freaks, we BDSM'ers.

Some of us search (endlessly, fruitlessly, hopelessly, sometimes it seems) for one who is strong, capable, real, centered, experienced, loving, honest, self-aware, and controlled enough for us to offer our submission to him/her - but still, it is we who control who that person is, we submissives.

Dominants must do a reverse search, for one who is strong, capable, real, centered, experienced, loving, honest, self-aware, and controlled enough to offer real and meaningful submission.

We are all control freaks.
All of us.




What i have to say about your eating practices is not meant to be hurtful at all. I have some real-life experience with anorexia and know far more than anyone wants to know about the disease; my very young daughter almost died of anorexia-related bad stuff. I learned in a hurry.

To my eyes, paquin, your eating practices border on the anorectic. Most people eat a healthy number of calories a day without counting them. Do you count? Most people eat when they are hungry? Do you often even feel hunger at all? Most people look in the mirror and do not see a grossely distorted body when they feel bones jutting from thier hips and ribs. What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Eating disorders are all about control. Control. Nothing else.

They've got nothing to do with self-image or sadness or rage or anything else. They have everything to do with an individual's needing to control her environment, herself, and feeling powerless to do so in any other way, that they choose to deny themselves appropriate amounts of food in oder to excercise that control in thier lives.

In my mind, for me, the long-term and habitual self-denial of proper amounts of food have absolutely nothing to do with sexuality, BDSM or any other kind.

I apologize if i'm off the mark for you in this, pacquin. Anorexia is, however, a terrifying disease and i've had a horrendous brush with it in my life. I always treat any hint of it with the seriousness i think it deserves.

I've got a lot of info on anorexia, web sites that are good, ways to begin to face the truth, etc, if anyone needs it.

My story:
http://www.something-fishy.org/words/artical_029.php
then
http://www.something-fishy.org/words/artical_030.php

 

[lilfrk]

cym, you simply amaze me

 

[mskittykatt]

hello and well met paquin,
thank you for bringing up an interesting topic. it isn't something that i've had *exact* experiance with, but i have a similar history. i am bulimic.

first i will second Cym - please look into some support groups or treatment centers for eating disorders.
www.raderprograms.com
i won't hold any punches, i think Cym was being gentle in her response.
anorexia WILL kill you. it is just that simple. i won't go into all the nasty details of how it kills or about the damage it does to your body as you are starving to death, but i will say this... your state as you put it, of not being "unwell" IS NOT permanent, you are in a place partway between healthy and starving every day that you restrict your food.

now to the sexuality involved in this issue. i know this is what you were asking about - i couldn't, please understand, just address this without the rest of it.

i do relate to the way you feel when your stomach is empty. i understand the desire - for me it gets more complicated. i like to have just gone to the bathroom, followed by a shower as well as having an empty stomach! please talk this out, here with a therepist or support group before it's something you *need* to feel sexy every time.

yes, i still want those things, but today i have a healthier respect for my body that i use to get past those things and into the more important things - like connecting on a very real and intimate level with my partner....the feelings your looking for can be attained, but they don't have to be where you're looking for them.

okay i should shut up now, i'm sure i've said too much.

 

[joi]

BDSM and anorexia

greetings paquin
I waited a few days before responding to your post on the advise of a very wise Man! Your post scared the heck out of me, rather like a deja vu all over again (sorry Yogi~) He reminded me of my days in school when i slipped closer and closer to obsessive behaviours with food, sex,pleasure and submission. Please read and digest cymbidia's response; it is filled with the wisdom of one who has fought for a positive outcome for a loved anorexic survivor. Yes..a survivor because there are many who don't yet the death certificate many not spell it out! I have had the misfortune to be there when the victims of eating disorders reach my final door...

You describe a "hollowness" in your abdominal cavity, ascribing it to your stomach yet profess a desire to be filled "down there". Please be very careful in your transference of physiological needs and psychological desires without the assistance of a competent, caring person.

And as a caveat, I may be totally off base with my comments but i write with only the best of intentions.

 

[paquin]

Joi,
thanks for your comments. But I really want to know more about your experience. How were food and submission intertwined in your mind? Did you feel by not eating you were submitting to something/someone? How did you know when you had gone too far with it? Were you unhappy?

MsKittyKat,
you didn't mention whether you associated your ritual (going to the bathroom, showering, not having eaten) with submission, or just sex, or both.

What do you think? Is there a personality type that meshes submission with eating disorder behaviours? Why are people so quick to caution against controlling one's eating, whereas BDSM is considered a healthy lifestyle? (Did I go too far with that last question??)

 

[paquin]

paquin, i'm sorry but i had to delete you post.

It's ***totally*** against Lit policy to post a pm (private message) in a thread. While i said you could put this info up, what you cannot do - and didn't know, obviously - was post it word for word.

You can most definitely repost your part of, and indicate in a reworded manner that i encouraged you to post it here in the open - but can never ever simply cut 'n paste pm's into a public forum, okay?

No big deal
You didn't know.

Make another post and i'll get rid of this one if you like, okay?

cymbidia
BDSM Forum Moderator.

 

[joi]

paquin

Joi,
thanks for your comments. But I really want to know more about your experience. How were food and submission intertwined in your mind? Did you feel by not eating you were submitting to something/someone? How did you know when you had gone too far with it? Were you unhappy

OH NO!,,food and submission were NEVER intertwined in my mind!.....I was reminded of my days in med school and 'ternship when finding time to eat...remembering to eat.. were huge problems!(okay, sightly exagerated but just how jars of baby applesauce and gingerale can one tolerate 'cause they're in the diet kitchen!) Now the sex and submission......blushing, ' cause i was a very very needy sub! and......unhappiness wasn't a part of this picture!

 

[mskittykatt]

Paquin,
for me, the ritual was not exactly connected with sex or my submissive nature, in fact although it was intwined with many area's of my life.

to clarify just a bit, i would binge and purge rather then not eat - so what i did was "cleansing" myself... i wanted to be empty, rather then full of all the feelings and memories i didn't want to face or own.

today i own my experiances - they have made me who i am. i try, most times to deal with my feelings AND express them to my partner as they come up. i don't need those rituals anymore. i *do* need my friends, family and my partner very very much and they need to know how i feel.

for me it started with one phrase - i need lots of love and attention. i just started saying that to him. i need a hug. i need to feel cherished and treasured. i need to feel protected. i feel small and laying against your chest makes me feel safe and secure.

all those things that i was trying to achieve through my body shape, size and the sensations i could produce controlling my food, are all achieved through honest communication of my needs, feelings and desires with my honey.

is there a personality type? there could be, but generalizing never paints an accurate picture of anyone. i think that one effect could be achieved in many ways.
i used to get a nice, warm, everything is okay with the world feeling after i puked up all my food. i get a nice, warm, everything is okay with the world feeling when i wake up with my honey every morning. i get the same feeling when i'm turned over on his lap and he's spanking me when i feel him hardening under me. they are, given, different degrees of feeling.
Bulimia would have killed me if i hadn't stopped. my honey spanking me will not kill me.
some people wouldn't think my sex life, or even my appetite for sex is healthy, some couldn't imagine things any different.
it's really a matter of taking care of your body, your needs and your desires. find things that can give you the same, or similar feelings.... or even different sensations that can over ride (in a sense) your need to control the food. you can be filled with food, and filled with those sensations you're after.

i should stop, i'm not even sure i'm clear to myself at this point! i wish you the best of luck with this, and all things.

 

[Shadowsdream]

So, I’m wondering what you all think. Is this some weird form of BDSM? Does anyone relate? Or is this just my unique sexuality? I’d be so pleased if this message peaked your interests and you decided to respond. Thanks.


Try as I can..I can't find anyway no matter how I twist it to find any BDSM connection...via submission or sexuallity to give credence to starvation...self imposed.

submission is giving up control not taking it. No matter how you dress it up it still equals denial.

Good luck in the journey of self discovery..may you do it safely and take the excellent advise given to you in preceding posts.