Sex and Guilt

[PacificBlue]

Sex and Guilt. Two words that seem to go together in my experience. Most of my friends are *religious*. Some waited until their wedding night to have sex. Some had sex, found God, and then abstained until their wedding night.

I don't want to feel guilty for having sexual desires or needs. Yes, I've had premarital sex. Will I do it again? Maybe. Depends on the situation. I don't really think God loves me any less. I also don't think that just because I choose to have sex before marriage that it means God is going to strike me dead with some horrible disease either. Doesn't mean I'm not careful though. I make responsible decisions regarding my body.

Why can't I let the guilt go then?

 

[Cheyenne]

Why can't I let the guilt go then?

Because you're not ready to, for whatever reason. When you are, you will.

 

[celiaKitten]

Why can't I let the guilt go then?

Most likely the same reason I still feel a twinge at times. It was beaten into our pretty lil heads.

 

[HeavyStick]

Is there any other stress or life decisions in your mind that might be compounding your current frame of mind?

I would say don't feel guilty, you seem to have a level head and make sound decisions about your sexual lifestyle.

 

[SleepingWarrior]

Because you don't think in term of loopholes. If the guilt is based solely on your religion the loopholes are simple... Confess the 'sin' and do you penance and the guilt should lessen or wait til you are on your death bed and repent. If the guilt is based on your feelings the loopholes are harder to find and use... Is the guilt worse when you have sex with someone you don't love or doesn't love you for sure or is it the same even if there is love on both your parts? If there is love shared between the both of you you really don't have a need to feel guilty.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Sex and Guilt. Two words that seem to go together in my experience. Most of my friends are *religious*. Some waited until their wedding night to have sex. Some had sex, found God, and then abstained until their wedding night.

Your friends made personal choices based upon what they knew or wished at those times.

I don't want to feel guilty for having sexual desires or needs. Yes, I've had premarital sex. Will I do it again? Maybe. Depends on the situation. I don't really think God loves me any less. I also don't think that just because I choose to have sex before marriage that it means God is going to strike me dead with some horrible disease either. Doesn't mean I'm not careful though. I make responsible decisions regarding my body.

Marriage was an institution created by humanity. In earliest roman christianity among many religions a common practice was a man and woman in private deciding to wed and that was it. The same process was carried out when it came to divorce.. they talked and parted. Its man that added all the ceremonies, commercialism and guilt to what many feel.

As well it is worthy to note that many religious and scientific historians still research as to when this patriarchal god showed up. In the tale of Abram, later renamed Abraham in thus far debated time era of 1500-1800 B.C.

With the patriarchal history of this religion having less than properly treating women and men as the equals that they are. Thus what I see as worthy in this religion is also common in many other types of faiths. What I dont agree with isnt supported nor felt guilty about.. my choice.

In my opinion love is the first reason for a relationship and or intimacy to be initiated with possibility of continuance. Whether some one chooses to have pre-marital sex of not, doesnt make them any lesser a person either way.

Why can't I let the guilt go then?

Because you choose to keep the guilt due to what you have learned thus far in life. When one feels guilty is an indication of needing to examine more of self and the world around them. Thus in becoming more worldly one can make better decisions objectively which help to alleviate guilt.

Hearts blessings with wishing you the best in life and love

 

[Lust Engine]

Just continue to drive the car forward by looking out the FRONT windshield. Quit looking at the rearview mirror.

Guilt's the rearview mirror. Quit second guessing yourself with this guilt. No need to re-hash & wonder "what if..?". Learn from the road you've already been on and continue charging forward.

Besides you really don't have a reverse gear anyway! Might as well move forward in life.

 

[SamEyeAm]

Have you figured out

what your own true values are around sex? Not what you were taught, or the opposite of that position that you might take to rebel. When you are confident that you know what you truly believe, and live accordingly, there will be no more guilt. I wish you the best!

 

[tenyari]

If we were only meant to have sex to procreate, and the puritans would want us to believe; then we would have been built like most of the animals on thsi planet.

Our females would go into heat every now and then and then our males would get all randy and start trying to jump them.
Instead, we, along with a couple other primates, have females who are always in heat and two genders who always want to get it on.

Maybe god's trying to tell us something that those old men in the vatican just couldn't get (the jews who wrote the old testament didn't have this problem: they knew how to get it on *).

Of course I also believe that if god wanted the body covered, it would have given it fur and not have made it look so damn good...

We came naked, built for sex, capable of enjoying it, and wanting it for a reason...

I've never had guilt over wanting sex, or engaging in it. I have had guilt over occaisional bad choice in partners or in realizing too late that I'd turned away a keeper.


*Not being Jewish myself I can't verify this, but my best friend (who is in the faith) told me that to speak in the temple, a man has to have had sex with his wife the night before. As well that a jewish woman can drop her husband if he's not sexually up to par.

This has always made me wonder. Jesus was a rabbi, so who was his wife?

 

[April]

PB, you're asking the same question lots of people ask.

There is no answer.

 

[DevilBoy79]

Sex and Guilt. Two words that seem to go together in my experience. Most of my friends are *religious*. Some waited until their wedding night to have sex. Some had sex, found God, and then abstained until their wedding night.

I don't want to feel guilty for having sexual desires or needs. Yes, I've had premarital sex. Will I do it again? Maybe. Depends on the situation. I don't really think God loves me any less. I also don't think that just because I choose to have sex before marriage that it means God is going to strike me dead with some horrible disease either. Doesn't mean I'm not careful though. I make responsible decisions regarding my body.

Why can't I let the guilt go then?

classical conditioning, that premarital sex is a bad thing, thats all it is

 

[erosman]

In my experience....

guilt is the by-product of primarily viewing the Creator as an out-dated, crotchety, male judge.

Change the paradigm - change the outcome.

Try viewing the Creator as a fulfilled, passionate, wildly creative (primarily feminine) Lover.

 

[PacificBlue]

Good points. I meant to stay awake last night to discuss this further but exhaustion got to me.

I always feel like I have to justify what I've done or haven't done when a guy asks me about my sexual history. It *seems* as if the rules are so different according to gender.

What if you do wait for marriage and you just aren't sexually compatible with the person you end up with? Isn't sex a big part of the intimacy factor between two people? I realize it isn't all of marriage but isn't it a big reason why people get married who don't engage in premarital sex? for societal permission of sorts?

 

[Mr. Bootie]

PB Let's just get drunk and screw

Hey, It works for Buffet. Why not us??


kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: Re: Sex and Guilt

Most likely the same reason I still feel a twinge at times. It was beaten into our pretty lil heads.

Agreed - it took me decades to get to the point where I no longer feel any guilt for having basic sexual desires. Mostly I believe that if a person doesn't let their sexual urges cause them to make bad decisions or to harm someone, then they have no reason to feel guilty.

Don't worry too much about it - it takes a long time to get past the conditioning - but it gets easier and eventually you don't even think about it.

 

[Bigdog]

I always feel like I have to justify what I've done or haven't done when a guy asks me about my sexual history. It *seems* as if the rules are so different according to gender.

If a guy is asking about your sexual history, you are dating the wrong guy. That is a question which never needs to be asked, your past will be revealed by you when the time is right.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

I always feel like I have to justify what I've done or haven't done when a guy asks me about my sexual history. It *seems* as if the rules are so different according to gender.

If the guy thinks that way then maybe you are meeting the wrong kind of guys. If it is just you then you need to realize that while some (many?) people think that way, that doesn't make it true.

What if you do wait for marriage and you just aren't sexually compatible with the person you end up with?

That is why these issues need to be discussed before marriage. This doesn't guarantee compatibility, but it is a good first step and goes a long way.

Isn't sex a big part of the intimacy factor between two people?

It is, but eventually people can be very intimate without sex if they so choose.

I realize it isn't all of marriage but isn't it a big reason why people get married who don't engage in premarital sex? for societal permission of sorts?

Yes, but those reasons are declining in popularity as people realize more and more that they don't need or even want societal permission.

 

[wordsmithe]

Good points. I meant to stay awake last night to discuss this further but exhaustion got to me.

I always feel like I have to justify what I've done or haven't done when a guy asks me about my sexual history. It *seems* as if the rules are so different according to gender.

What if you do wait for marriage and you just aren't sexually compatible with the person you end up with? Isn't sex a big part of the intimacy factor between two people? I realize it isn't all of marriage but isn't it a big reason why people get married who don't engage in premarital sex? for societal permission of sorts?

The rules are different according to gender, but that doesn't mean the rules are right... but change is slow. And you are correct: if two people are not compatible in bed, that is friction regardless how how right everything else is. So what other way is there to find out?

I believe guilt can keep a society from imploding, as long as people are feeling guilty about things that are done to hurt others... but if no one is being hurt, enjoy your time on this world and try and avoid letting other people's incomplete opinion of you from mattering too much.

 

[PacificBlue]

I was having this discussion with a girlfriend and she said you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it and making sure it got you home would you?

I don't want a marriage, if I ever decide to go down that road, devoid of sexual intimacy. I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't like to hear dirty talk or wants me to be quiet, or a whole host of other things. I've squashed enough of myself in this life. I can't imagine saying "yes" I'll live the rest of my life with you but I have no idea whether or not we can be intimate together. Makes no sense.

KGBootie...bring it on baby doll!

 

[wordsmithe]

I was having this discussion with a girlfriend and she said you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it and making sure it got you home would you?

What marriage should be: a one year lease with the option to buy

 

[bknight2602]

Sex and Guilt. Two words that seem to go together in my experience. Most of my friends are *religious*. Some waited until their wedding night to have sex. Some had sex, found God, and then abstained until their wedding night.

I don't want to feel guilty for having sexual desires or needs. Yes, I've had premarital sex. Will I do it again? Maybe. Depends on the situation. I don't really think God loves me any less. I also don't think that just because I choose to have sex before marriage that it means God is going to strike me dead with some horrible disease either. Doesn't mean I'm not careful though. I make responsible decisions regarding my body.

Why can't I let the guilt go then?

I think you are battling between your childhood training versus your natural psyological needs. If it feels right, do it; but leave the guilt remorse checked at the door.

 

[Violette]

Sex and Guilt are like ass pimples:

It always comes around AFTER you've enjoyed yourself, it's never where you can get rid of it easily, and until you can, it hurts like crazy!

Just an observation from someone who's had WAY too much of her share of ass pimples!

 

[tenderhearted]

Growing up Catholic, you're taught that any sexual contact other than marital intercourse is a sin...that's what I faced all of my life. Women, especially, I think are taught to mask their sexuality because it doesn't make them "ladylike" if they express it. I was in shock when I started dating, because I was taught that my virginity was something precious to be given to only my husband on our wedding night. When you're 16 and your first boyfriend is wanting to go all the way, he doesn't seem to appreciate your holding onto your virginity as your parents do! Women are made out to be "trashy" if they do express themselves sexually and are considered "prudes" if they hold tight to the moral code of society. It's a no win situtaion! However, given the right encouragement and support from loving partners, I believe you can escape your guilt. I'm working on that myself. My best wishes to you PacificBlue!

 

[Awesome]

I dont have any guilt at all during sex with my husband.


During sex with my lover however,the guilt normally,usually,pretty much always,ruins it.

But we all know why that is dont we?

 

[wordsmithe]

Growing up Catholic, you're taught that any sexual contact other than marital intercourse is a sin...that's what I faced all of my life. Women, especially, I think are taught to mask their sexuality because it doesn't make them "ladylike" if they express it. I was in shock when I started dating, because I was taught that my virginity was something precious to be given to only my husband on our wedding night. When you're 16 and your first boyfriend is wanting to go all the way, he doesn't seem to appreciate your holding onto your virginity as your parents do! Women are made out to be "trashy" if they do express themselves sexually and are considered "prudes" if they hold tight to the moral code of society. It's a no win situtaion! However, given the right encouragement and support from loving partners, I believe you can escape your guilt. I'm working on that myself. My best wishes to you PacificBlue!

My first wife died of cancer early... and she grew up catholic as well. She was even guilty about trying to enjoy lovemaking in marriage. She found some books, and she worked through it. You just need time, and understanding from the people you are with.

I don't recall any of the books she read, but glancing at Barnes and Noble, I saw "Who Told You That You Were Naked?: Freedom from Judgment, Guilt, and Fear of Punishment" by John Jacob Raub.