Sex after pregnancy

[diffviewpt]

My wife and I are having trouble restarting our sex life after our child was born. Its been 8 weeks now and every time I go near her she hurts pretty badly. She had a class 3 tear during delivery and it was sewn up. The Doctor's given her the OK physically to make love.

I go slow, use lots of lube, try to work up with fingers. Nothing really goes, and because of that its starting to get worse. Each time we start to get intimate she tenses up so bad, nothing is even getting a start. Thats really affecting her attitude towords sex and making it more difficult to even get her to try.

I do know that she can enjoy oral sex and even clitoral stimulation. We've been doing all sorts of playing in those arenas. But nothing penetrative, it just hurts to bad. Her pill should be locked in this weekend and we're hoping that without a condom it will be easier. I've suggested she might try using her glass toy or her own fingers to work up to it, but time and baby are always pressing.

Any advice you might have would be appreciated.

 

[PertPerth]

Give her time. A friend of mine tore so badly (excuse me if I start to rant about the doctors who LET her tear that badly!! ) that it was more than 9 months before she could have sex without pain.
Also remember that her hormones are possibly affecting her sex drive...added to the new baby, lack of sleep.....I think I've made my point.
Oral and masterbation should be the focus until she's ready.
I hope things work out soon.

 

[SweetErika]

I agree with Pert. People heal at different rates and have different pain thresholds, too. While 6-8 weeks of healing might be enough for some, or even most, women, your wife might take much longer.

I'd encourage her to keep the area moisturized (olive and coconut oils are pussy-compatible) and keep trying to stretch it little by little herself, with plenty of lube, to ease the scar tissue. Instead of using the time you have for sex, consider using it for mutual masturbation, her stimulating you, and just plain being intimate together. Sending her for a nice bath or something while you take care of the baby might help her relax.

Basically, tell her you're taking sex off the table until SHE says she wants to try again, but in the meantime, you'd like to focus on keeping the intimacy alive and do things that don't hurt her. The last thing a new mom needs is more pressure, even from herself, so make it clear there's NO pressure to do things that hurt her.

It might take awhile to get back in the swing of things, but it'll happen when she's more ready. For now, you could potentially have a lot of fun pretending you're teenagers, finding other ways to make each other feel good, viewing the break as a build-up to an even more amazing sex life, etc.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I also had a bad tear when I had my first child. When we first tried to have sex after I healed it hurt a lot. When I asked my doctor, she told me that scartissue contracts, gets hard and unelastic. She said that gently stretching the tissue with fingers, toys or by having sex, slowly and carefully, while I made a conscious effort to relax, we would eventually get back to normal.
It took about six months before we could have sex like we used to before the pregnancy.
Like others said, take your time, relax, and enjoy all the other things you can do.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

i was one the unlucky few to have to have an emergency c-section.
But i've heard stories and actually ready about this kind of thing when i was pregnant - it scared me a lot of having to get cut or tear even.

Working on kegels might help?
Here is a very detailed site on "working on the kegels". I've been doing it for a while and its increased sex drive a lot! It might help your wife with 'correcting' her vaginal muscles that were torn. Since they've healed - the only thing to work on now is getting them back to normal, am i right? This is a good place to start.
http://www.geocities.com/steve4502/vagex.html
It might take a few weeks or so for her to notice any kind of difference. So be patient - she will heal completely and get back to normal in no time.

I hope this helps.

Agony

 

[Bedtime Storyteller]

I'm coming at this from 2 points of view - a mom who had an episiotomy with one birth and a tear with the second, and as a birth doula.


If she's breastfeeding, she will have a harder time becoming aroused due to hormones. These hormones, even if she's not nursing, are designed to keep her more focused on the baby than on you, because she's supposed to be helping the baby survive.

A 3rd degree tear is not a good thing, and it will take awhile. Just because the doc says she can have sex does not mean her body is ready. Mentally she also has to be ready. She's probably sleep-deprived, worried about it hurting (and it probably DOES hurt), and sex is the last thing on her mind. Something considerably larger than your dick came out her vagina - it hurt, it left marks, and sex is ultimately what caused it. She may not be in a hurry to do that again (even if pregnancy is prevented). Psychologically, she may be having a hard time reconciling her role as wife with her role as mother, too.

Question #1 - does she want to? If no, then you're out of luck until she wants to. And the more you push her or try to guilt her into it, the longer it's going to take.

Question #2 - if she wants to, then suggest she first spend some time "alone" - masturbating, exploring her body in private with no expectations, no spectators, etc, using whatever is comfortable for her (fingers, vibe, dildo, etc). When she's done this and is comfortable, then she can come to you.

When she comes to you, plan a "date". Get a sitter, even if you never leave home. Have a romantic dinner. Have some wine. Maybe even have a bubble bath together. She needs to be TOTALLY relaxed and ready. Reassure her that if anything hurts at any time, you'll stop. (and you have to follow through with that) Spend A LOT of time doing foreplay. Get her really worked up. Let her take control, completely. Her being on top is probably the best position, too, so she can control depth, speed, and angle. Then use LOTS of lube. Make sure you're not going to last all night, either. The last thing she needs is you going at her like a jackhammer for an hour. And maybe, the first time, don't even penetrate her. Just spend some time pleasuring her. Show her that her body can feel pleasure again w/o any expectations on your part.

If you don't have the baby taken care of, she will not be able to relax. I guarantee it. That's why it's so important to get a sitter. She might feel more comfortable if the sitter were with the baby in another part of the house. (You might even consider checking into a postpartum doula in your area - I bet you could find one who would be willing to watch the baby at home while you and your wife get to know each other again.)

 

[starrkers]

My youngest child is 8. I tore with all three of my children. Even now, occasionally, the scar tissue restricts our activities. I'd say the doc has given the OK in case she was raring to go (I know a couple of new mums who were), but I wasn't even vaguely interested for about 3 months afterwards.
Part of it will be psychological too - a stage three tear is no fun at all (been there done that) and is a reminder of the consequences of sex - give her time.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

I have to agree with the *take your time* part of these responses. I can't offer much on the tear part as I had c-sections for both my children. First one we were back to having sex at 3 weeks, no problems at all. Second one was significantly longer and I fully attribute that to being sleep deprived and chasing after 2 children all day long. It was more then 6 mo before sex wasn't painful for me after the second one. I nursed both children, first one for 16 mo, second for 39 mo.

Spend time with her body... massaging all of her. Make the goal be for her to relax, don't make the goal to have sex. Make her feel good and loved and relaxed. Learn how to give a good perineal massage (presuming that is the area that tore).

Right now I bet that her mind is anticipating the pain, and in doing do she is causing more pain because her body is bracing itself for it. Get her thinking about how delicious it is to have your hands and mouth on her again, and in time those feelings of anticipation will be proved wrong as there won't be any pain at all. For now, think of it as extended foreplay... start with her mind tho... start early, lots of light teasing thru the day.. make her dinner (or bring home her fav take out).. take control of the baby once you are home (with the exception of feeding time if baby is nursing.. I can't remember if you said that or not)... after the last feeding for the night, send your wife for a nice soak in the tub... if you get baby settled before she's done, go and join her... offer to scrub her back, wash her hair, whatever you'd like.. whatever she'd like. Keep in mind some moms get that *touched out* feeling (esp while nursing!!) sometimes and she just might truly want to be on her own for a while. Set the bed room up really pretty... lots of candles, put the massage oil in a bowl of hot water to warm, cover the bed with nice big fluffy towels and keep one spare to cover her with (the large bath sheets work great for this!!).. have her lay on the bed and give her a massage starting at the neck and working down the body to her feet and then back up... remember to go lightly over the bony parts and firmly over the heavily muscled parts (bum and thighs, neck/shoulders).. don't forget her arms, hands and feet, fingers and toes. There's a lovely bundle of nerves where bum cheek meets thigh and if she's receptive to being stilumated there she will react when your hands move over those places. It's one of my trigger spots and I tend to moan and wriggle when being stimulated there. Draw it out, tease her a little, avoid touching her vulva and clit at this point. Have her turn onto her back and repeat the whole massage from top to bottom, again avoiding all the typical erogenous zones until she's shown she's receptive to it. Don't be too rough with her breasts if she is nursing, but don't avoid them unless she specifically says to. Under breasts along the ribcage, sides of the breasts, sides of the waist, again thighs can be massaged more firmly. Make her comfortable and relaxed and feeling loved for the woman she is. She will definitely let you know if she wants more... work at her pace, remembering the goal is to make HER feel good.

 

[daisey69]

I too had a stage 3. It just takes time. after the #3 tear, We had our last baby 16 months later. So, I must not have been to bad off But everyone heals at different rates. At the delivery of our last, I told them make it pretty down there, it was going to look like a fog's breakfast down there if they don't, and while your at it, throw a few extra stitches in there to make it more exciting. They guy just smiled and did his work. I must say, he did a great job.

No wonder I was having a baby huh?

 

[Eilan]

while your at it, throw a few extra stitches in there to make it more exciting.

Seriously?

I thought the "husband stitch" was something that only ignorant husbands and some male OB/GYNs lobbied for.

 

[nycphoto]

take

your time and if you do everything will be okay.

You will have to give her time to heal and she will. then after you and her once the rug rat sleeps you will get together with her.

 

[albertaboy]

When our second child was born it took probably a year before sex was normal. My wife had two terrible pregnancies and labours, she was toxic in both cases, gained huge amounts of weight(she was over 200 lbs with each one, compared to her normal 135-140), both kids were 10 lbs delivered naturally. She breastfed our second child which made things worse.

Take your time, leave her be. If she enjoys the intimacy of oral sex, then do it but don't apply pressure to her.

 

[Snowman5933]

Stop, take a deep breath, and relax. If your committed to each other, then you've got the rest of your lives to enjoy each other. 8 weeks in not alot of time to recover from a perfect delivery, besides a tear. I know that it can be frustrating, but use this time to get basics and fall in love with her again. Rediscover all the wonderful things that drew you to her in the first place. Take the pressure of intercourse out of your relationship for a while. Pamper her and treat her like she is the most wonderful thing in the world.

After our baby was born, I bought a book on massage and taught myself several of the techniques. I would give her massages which would lead to lots of kissing. Before long her interest in intercourse was extremely high and we began that part of our relationship again. You may also have to accept that when you finally do begin having intercourse again, you might have to modify your technique. We used plenty of lube and I would rub my penis on the outside of her vagina. Eventually I would begin putting the head in; not thrusting alot, and finally we began making love again with her on top, which gave her complete control. If she became sore or too anxious we stopped. Our child is now 8 years old and our sex life is the best its ever been.

Good luck, be patient, and never stop communicating with your partner.

Snowman

 

[daisey69]

Seriously

Seriously?

I thought the "husband stitch" was something that only ignorant husbands and some male OB/GYNs lobbied for.

Elian,

I have never heard it called "The Husband Stitch".

I feel it is more about being in tune with your own body and what you KNOW it was like before ever having a baby. ( or 3 There is NO IGNORANCE involved. If it feels like throwing a pickle down a hallway, wouldn't YOU be greatfull for having someone willing to speak up and get some maintenance?????

BTW: Women getting thier 'Lady Bits' tightened and tweaked for better preformance and quality, Is quite the rage in plastic surgery right now. And the women are going because THEY want to.



Try Thinking OUTSIDE of the box.

 

[SilverandBlack]

As a fellow mom/wife I completly understand

I've had two; my first child I had an episotomy with, the doc made me into a virgin again, it was 3 months later that my hubby and I could do anything (cuz of the military life) and it still hurt, like my first time all over again. Our second one was a near 10 pound child and yes I ripped that time, with both children trust me when I say that the new mom can have self confidance issues. " I was never so fat in my entire life" "I can't believe I have stretch marks on my breasts/stomach/thighs" All of that plus the sleep deprivation, and hormones making you into "mommy" and not "sex kitten" also plays a huge role.
I know that when my husband and I reconnected as a couple that helped a ton with my sex drive. And I know it may sound crazy but when I seen him take care of the house hold chores and being with our baby/ies also brought my sex drive back. Probably the knowing he was there for me on many levels and would be a good provider emotionally not just financially.

 

[dakotagirl]

You have already gotten some great advice. With my first baby I was terrified to have sex again. I knew it was going to hurt some. I think that knowledge always makes you tense up more. Who ever said act like teenagers again and make out had great advice. Making out with out the feeling of being obligated to have sex will help her to relax and it will put the spark back in your marriage also (not saying it is gone but it is always nice to add more).
Make sure you are helping out and that she is getting rest. A tired mama is not a turned on mama. Also, make sure you tellher how beautiful she is. After having a baby the last thing you feel is beautiful.
One thing is forsure you will get your sex life back and more than likely it will be better.