Settling for a partner

[honeybee_345]

I had a few thoughts today about really craving a real time kinky partner. I've never had one and know this is something important for me to have. I have regular sex partners that I am completely comfortable with but have yet to be able to orgasm with any of them. Though I try and try I can not reach orgasm. I communicate my needs but all partners are vanilla and can not offer me what I desire. I need rope, a strong hand and a fucked up mind.

That being said I don't want to and will not settle for just any partner. But I have thought about lowering my expectations because of the area I live in. The kink life and just general social life is almost non existent.

Any personal stories/thoughts/experience with frustration like this?


Honeybee needs a hug

 

[misfits1911]

I would not lower my standards, have you tried fetlife.com maybe you could find some like minded people in or around whoville well your area. I have been with a few partners and none have really shared the kink bdsm lifestyle that I like. so they have all left my life, eventually you'll find what you are looking for! BIG HUG!!!!!

 

[KoPilot]

I married my best friend, and he's not nearly as fucked up as I am. Sure, it can get really frustrating, but that's why we've opened up our relationship a bit.

I don't know what's worse, though-- not having a partner that pushes all my kink buttons, or not being able to find a long-term roleplay partner that pushes all my kink buttons. Still, I have zero regrets about who I chose to marry. I'd probably go nuts if I had to deal with the sadist of my dreams day in and day out anyways.

Don't settle, but at the same time, maybe figure out what relationship needs you have that are priorities and make sure the ones at the top are taken care of.

 

[CutieMouse]

Whenever a question like this is asked, my first inclination is to ask what the definition of "vanilla" is, to you? Because it's quite common for people to express frustration over not finding their kinky-dream partner, because OMG... vanilla.

And while it's perfectly okay to need "rope, a strong hand and a fucked up mind", those words mean totally different things to different people. And if you are consistently getting results you aren't looking for (sexual partners who aren't scratching the itch; vanilla), the common denominator is you (the OP).

You're considering lowering your standards, and it is totally possible that your standards are impossibly high, but it might be a more useful exercise to explore:

1) what tools you're using to find a suitable partner
(Fetlife? Local groups/ munches?)
2) your screening process
(If the kink is that important, why expect a "vanilla" to meet your needs?)
3) how you're communicating your needs
(See my comment above about "rope, strong hand, fucked up mind" meaning different things to different people.)

 

[subwannabe]

Cutie had excellent advice. The only thing I would want to add is that there are kinky people out there everywhere, they just don't carry a sign. As Cutie said, there is something that you are doing wrong. Even if you went to a church full of goody two shoes frigid conservatives who supposedly have sex only to make babies and not for pleasure, there would still be several of them who are very kinky but don't wear the sign. You need a better system of finding them instead of just lowering your standards.