Service tops, unite!

[Glycanthrope]

I am not a "real dom".
Of this there can be no doubt, and I am repeatedly reminded of the fact.

I have no desire to humiliate my sub in public (or anywhere else for that matter).
I do not feel any urge to boss her around, or make her drink from the doggie-bowl.
-and if anyone is to mix us a drink, I will be the one to do it, spank you very much.

I take mental notes of my sub's desires and fantasies, and I love to make them come true when we do a scene.
I know exactly how she loves to be whipped, flogged and caned, where to put the clamps, how many and when to tighten them.
She does not endure a strict punishment "out of respect" or "out of guilt", or because it is her "duty as a sub",
but simply because she loves every minute of it, and so do I.

I do not push limits, but I do press the buttons that "get her there".
It prides me to fire her so deep into subspace that she needs a friggin' navigational satellite to find her way back.
When that happens, I feel like a true artisan. I'll thump my chest and go "Damn! I'm good, I'm the master of my craft - you may call me Bwana”!!

Buuut as a dom, I am absolutely "unreal".
Instead, my way is commonly crowned with the much maligned title of "Service topping”!

Look it up. Every A to Z of kink will have a section on service tops, where we are described as pitiful, half-breed doms, who enjoy being "topped from below" by "bossy subs"; insecure creatures that cater to the requirements of the sub, in return for nothing.
Some of the kinder (but canonical) practitioners of BDSM give our ways the slight credit of "- but it's ok to wish to be a ST"

Check it out:
"those who like service topping say they enjoy the activity" [kinkly.com]
"in this case, the bottom is the dominant partner" [Wikipedia]
"This is a term that means a top that is in service to their bottom, doing exactly what the bottom wants, and nothing else. [BDSMweblog.com]
Someone on this very forum suggested how a certain sub "could potentially be trained into becoming a ST".

Sorry dude, we are neither trainable nor tameable, but apparently we ARE the strange pervs among the healthy kinksters.
The "Honey, call the cops, I think I saw a service top lurking over by the dumpster" -types.

Such an attitude pisses me off, as does the word service top itself. It sounds to me like something you get when you buy a household appliance:

- I'll take that fridge over there"
- Fantastic sir, would you like a service top with that?

I think that we need a better, preferably non-degrading word, for what we do within the BDSM community.

or am I just being sensitive?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Lemme buy you a drink, son.

And... that's a good question! How about; "top"? We could capitalise the first letter, like the Domly ones do. Or spell it in all caps.
TOP.

I like that!

 

[IrisAlthea]

No matter what you call it, the trueandrealcrew will be sneering.
Don't let them get to you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Maybe I don't get it, or I'm not sensitive enough? Because this...

I have no desire to humiliate my sub in public (or anywhere else for that matter).

Has never been a part of my D/s relationships.

I do not feel any urge to boss her around, or make her drink from the doggie-bowl.

Again - not part of any power based dynamic I've been in.

-and if anyone is to mix us a drink, I will be the one to do it, spank you very much.

I've actually had lovers (who ID'd as dominant) who regularly insisted on cooking me dinner, mixing my drink, and giving me massages... because they wanted to, and as the D-type they got to do what they wanted to.

I take mental notes of my sub's desires and fantasies, and I love to make them come true when we do a scene.
I know exactly how she loves to be whipped, flogged and caned, where to put the clamps, how many and when to tighten them.

Isn't that simply called compatibility?

She does not endure a strict punishment "out of respect" or "out of guilt", or because it is her "duty as a sub",
but simply because she loves every minute of it, and so do I.

How exactly does people enjoying the relationship, finding compatibility and pleasure, turn a D/s relationship into a T/b relationship?

I do not push limits, but I do press the buttons that "get her there".
It prides me to fire her so deep into subspace that she needs a friggin' navigational satellite to find her way back.
When that happens, I feel like a true artisan. I'll thump my chest and go "Damn! I'm good, I'm the master of my craft - you may call me Bwana”!!

Which is nearly verbatim the reaction of every dominant partner I've ever had... so...

Buuut as a dom, I am absolutely "unreal".
Instead, my way is commonly crowned with the much maligned title of "Service topping”!

Not in my world. In my world, what you described is honest, mature, open compatibility... the sort that turns into healthy relationships.

Look it up. Every A to Z of kink will have a section on service tops, where we are described as pitiful, half-breed doms, who enjoy being "topped from below" by "bossy subs"; insecure creatures that cater to the requirements of the sub, in return for nothing.
Some of the kinder (but canonical) practitioners of BDSM give our ways the slight credit of "- but it's ok to wish to be a ST"

Maybe I don't get it because none of the men I've been involved with, have ever given a rat's ass about labels. They've also never had any interest in (or patience for) bossy subs, or topping from the bottom. It isn't an issue of "catering to the requirements of the sub"... it's a perk of finding a partner with whom things "click".

Check it out:
"those who like service topping say they enjoy the activity" [kinkly.com]
"in this case, the bottom is the dominant partner" [Wikipedia]
"This is a term that means a top that is in service to their bottom, doing exactly what the bottom wants, and nothing else. [BDSMweblog.com]
Someone on this very forum suggested how a certain sub "could potentially be trained into becoming a ST".

Which, would be why the men in my life tend to spend their time enjoying their partners, instead of giving a shit about what people write about BDSM.

Sorry dude, we are neither trainable nor tameable, but apparently we ARE the strange pervs among the healthy kinksters.
The "Honey, call the cops, I think I saw a service top lurking over by the dumpster" -types.

Such an attitude pisses me off, as does the word service top itself. It sounds to me like something you get when you buy a household appliance:

- I'll take that fridge over there"
- Fantastic sir, would you like a service top with that?

I think that we need a better, preferably non-degrading word, for what we do within the BDSM community.

or am I just being sensitive?

What you described at the beginning, in my wheel-house, describes whatever label the people who matter (the ones doing the D/s and/or T/b stuff) say it describes. Which means that if they see it as D/s, it doesn't matter if anyone else says it is or not. So in my book, you sound a little hyper sensitive on the subject... by since you're living your own book (not mine), my opinion on the subject doesn't really matter.

*edited for a formatting fail

 

[desertslave]

Just gonna applaud CutieMouse instead of quoting everything, since I don't want to look all stalker-y or anything.

 

[Glycanthrope]

Thanks StellaOmega, Iris Althea, CutieMouse and Desertslave

I just needed to vent a bit of identity-frustration.

So in my book, you sound a little hyper sensitive on the subject...

CutieMouse, you are probably right, but I think that I was more overwhelmed by the number of posts by Doms who (as I read it) talk about their subs as their property, can't seem to get rough enough and care little about what's in it for the sub.

We sorta do things differently, and it just made me go "Oooo-kay, so where do we fit in ?"

Maybe it is the same obsevation that made NickiC cry out and ask "is there any room for kindness in BDSM ?" in an earlier thread.

Anyway, you guys are great.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks StellaOmega, Iris Althea, CutieMouse and Desertslave

I just needed to vent a bit of identity-frustration.

CutieMouse, you are probably right, but I think that I was more overwhelmed by the number of posts by Doms who (as I read it) talk about their subs as their property, can't seem to get rough enough and care little about what's in it for the sub.

We sorta do things differently, and it just made me go "Oooo-kay, so where do we fit in ?"

Maybe it is the same obsevation that made NickiC cry out and ask "is there any room for kindness in BDSM ?" in an earlier thread.

Anyway, you guys are great.

You fit exactly where and how you want. (Notice I said "fit", not "fit in".)

And it's part of human nature to want to "fit in". Which is why over 10 years of hanging out on Lit (and 5-6 on Fet), I've been told multiple times (on separate occasions) that I approach D/s as a slave, I think like a bottom, I might be submissive [maybe, but not likely], and that my relationships don't even qualify as kinky* because I don't do XYZ thing that all the cool kids are doing.

*Except for the few years I had two lovers, because apparently polyamory is an automatic "in" with being kinky.

Guess who tries to avoid labels, anymore?

 

[MeekMe]

You fit exactly where and how you want. (Notice I said "fit", not "fit in".)

And it's part of human nature to want to "fit in". Which is why over 10 years of hanging out on Lit (and 5-6 on Fet), I've been told multiple times (on separate occasions) that I approach D/s as a slave, I think like a bottom, I might be submissive [maybe, but not likely], and that my relationships don't even qualify as kinky* because I don't do XYZ thing that all the cool kids are doing.

*Except for the few years I had two lovers, because apparently polyamory is an automatic "in" with being kinky.

Guess who tries to avoid labels, anymore?

This is exactly why I started the relationship thread. Each one is unique and sometimes labels work and sometimes they don't. There's a very diverse group here and most of us don't fit into one special category.

 

[FurryFury]

I love your description of what you do. Call it whatever you like. If it works for you and your partner tell the rest to fuck off if they think it's not the "twue" way.

Personally I expect a full, honest, considerate relationship with anyone I spend any serious amount of time. Without trust and caring it ain't a thing I do.