Seriously seeking your opinion

[dylanr7719]

Seriously seeking your opinion
Hello all,

This is my first thread but I've been an active reader for quite a while. I really enjoy the points of view expressed here and thought I might find some good insight to my particular problem from a like-minded group.

Okay...

The problem is the sexual relationship with my wife. Don't worry, I'm not here to talk crap about her. She and I have been together for 6 years, married 3. We are both in our mid-30s and a perfect pair in practically every way. On top of everything, she is beautiful. Beautiful in the way real women are beautiful, with loving eyes, round hips and breasts and lovely/long reddish brown hair. Being physically attracted to eachother is not the problem.

Sadly, our sex life is dull and inconsistent. Prior to our meeting I was very very experienced in many ways (very open sexually and quite a few partners...maybe too many in retrospect). She had only been with 3 men. While the beginning of our relationship was filled with the kind of sex new partners have, I started to get the feeling I was doing nothing but taking. She'd have orgasms, but I almost felt I had to force her to have them.

Example, I'm a huge fan of eating pussy and have always had success with my lovers in that department. One time I had given her head for like half an hour and had her very worked up. I had my fingers inside of her and could feel her swelling, ready to burst. She came HARD, gushed all over me. It was great. However, she's never let me get her to that point again. She says she feels like "she has to pee" and every time I get her worked up she'll stop the action.

There are numerous examples of this kind of behavior. Behavior that in the past with other women were signs of the sex being great, but with her they seem negative. She's very giving and will always "let me take her", but thats her attitude towards it, that I get to do what I want and my happiness comes first. When I try to satisfy her, she pulls back.

Before I go on, I have talked to her about this. I have asked her to show me what to do, how to touch her the way she likes in case I'm not. I've begged her to let me please her, but it all seems to no avail. She seems perfectly happy to just let me fuck her until I cum, with the very occasional blow job. It just doesn't seem important to her.

Now, she does masturbate so she's not asexual and she will bring herself to orgasm, but what kind I don't know.

Sex has always been a huge part of my life, but so is she. I want us to have a great sex life but I am at a loss on how to keep working at it.

I'm happy to answer any questions that may help with your advice. PM me or post to thread.

Really excited for your insights.

D

 

[silverwhisper]

obviously, you've tried talking with her but to no avail thus far. and i can see how that would be hard, esp considering it wasn't always like that.

did you specifically ask her why the sexuality is different? maybe it's that she's uncomfortable with orgasms, and has somehow linked urinating with orgasms. perhaps she isn't happy with the loss of control that comes of having an orgasm.

the squirting incident: is that when things changed? is it possible she doesn't understand--despite the discussion i'm sure you had about it--that it's not urine and is in fact sexy as hell?

ed

 

[Dakotacpl]

You must have found her G spot and she either didn't know what it was or wasn't ready for it.....

 

[dylanr7719]

I don't know what it is actually. The squirting incident was not the first or the last. It was a few years ago. Its just the lackadaisical attitudge that is most disconcerting. She just does not seem interested in trying to make it better. Sometimes I really think she could care less about sex even though she claims to like it.

Should I just stop trying?

 

[SunDevilGirl]

Has there been any abuse or trauma in her past?

She's stopping you before you are able to bring her pleasure. Why is she denying herself that?

Or she's not telling you something.

It sounds like she could benefit from therapy. If not to figure out WHY she would deny herself a "HARD, bursting, gushing" orgasm, then to be able to communicate her needs to you.

 

[dylanr7719]

Thank you for the reply. There is definitely no trauma in her past. The only thing I can think of is her lack of experience (and one or 2 of those guys were asexual sounds like). Maybe she didn't get a chance to discover what she enjoys? But then, if that is the case, I am more than willing to help her discover it. Just doesn't seem to want to.

 

[silverwhisper]

dylan, has anything else changed around the time that her attitude shifted? new work, new people in your lives?

as i'm sure you've already considered, these things don't change in a void.

ed

 

[SunDevilGirl]

Thank you for the reply. There is definitely no trauma in her past. The only thing I can think of is her lack of experience (and one or 2 of those guys were asexual sounds like). Maybe she didn't get a chance to discover what she enjoys? But then, if that is the case, I am more than willing to help her discover it. Just doesn't seem to want to.

Okay.
You said she masturbates, yes? Why don't you suggest doing that together?
You can see how she likes to bring herself to orgasm.

 

[dylanr7719]

No... I can dispel that idea entirely. I should say the sex was never great, but it was new, so it was that kind of good. Once that tapered off, as it does, it seemed to die entirely. Or at least her interest in working at it did.

 

[Saucyminx]

Okay.
You said she masturbates, yes? Why don't you suggest doing that together?
You can see how she likes to bring herself to orgasm.

That was going to be my suggestion too, to ask if you could watch her and explain that it would be a huge turn on for you, and that you really want to know what pleases her.

 

[CuriousThroat2]

Some unorganized thoughts:

- Some women only get off on clitoral stimulation. Others only on vaginal. Others both, or one then the other. Ask her what she does when she masturbates.

- Maybe the problem is you. Not to attack or be offensive, but-- maybe you hit her the wrong way when you fuck or finger her. Maybe she has a very sensitive spot-- painfully so, and it throws her right out of the mood. Imagine trying to massage your elbow. You know your body well enough to loosen knots around the nerve cluster there. You can feel when you're too close. Another person, though-- if they just grabbed you and dug into your elbow with their thumb, they'll hit the nerve and you'll hit the roof. It could be something similar. The only solution is to get extreme amounts of feedback from her as you touch her, and make sure she's ok with shouting out "STOP" and that you'll obey.

Are you okay with taking criticism in bed? In the moment. Ask her about this. Maybe she doesn't want to say what's wrong, because you get hurt or offended or it ruins the mood. Or she THINKS you get hurt or offended. Or you react like you do get hurt and offended, but you don't even realize it. I know it took my stupid brain a while to differentiate between "You're a bad lover" and "here's advice on how to do it better".

- There's a hidden kink you don't know of, and she's bored. Different position. Different place in the house. Maybe she needs to be tied up or spanked. Maybe she needs to be seduced with flowers and chocolate?

- You said you're both in your mid 30s. Have you talked about kids? She's nearing the end of her biological clock (well, at least according to societal pressures. Having kids in 40s is pretty common now). Maybe her mind has drifted away from pleasure sex, and is hyperfocused on baby sex. You go to have sex, and she just can't get in the mood because all she hears is TICK TICK TICK TICK.

- Is she a lesbian? Serious question worth asking. Maybe she's in the closet, or so deep she doesn't want to admit it. You can ask her straight out (no pun intended)-- is this who she is? It'd be good for your relationship to know, however you would handle that.

- Going back to the mid-30s point. Hormone changes galore. Technically she should be hitting her sexual prime, but biology is weird. You can ask her if she just isn't feeling sexy. Is her libido just gone? Something to ask a doctor, too.

- Other pressures distracting her from sex. Is she overworked at work and at home? Family putting stress on her? How many free hours does she actually have each week, and how does she spend them? You may just need to schedule some sexy time with her, away from whatever stress she's under.

- I know you said you talked to her, but since none of us have been privy to that conversation-- are you sure you talked to her about it, and not whined to her or blamed her? You did use the word "beg", which may have some negative connotations. Think about the words you use in your conversation. Are they neutral and convey your feelings, or are they confrontational. More specifically, this is good: "I feel I could do more to satisfy you. I want to find out if there's something wrong with our sex life." I phrases. As opposed to things like "You aren't satisfied with our sex life. You need to tell me what's wrong with you. You shouldn't have to masturbate when I can satisfy you." YOU phrases, bad, blaming, confrontational, not helpful at all.

There's some ramblings for you.

 

[pplwatching]

Early in marriage sex is like a blank artist's canvas. The two of you need to discover the nuances of color and brush strokes together before you can create the beauty of the sexual art that is unique to your marriage. Not all women, or men for that matter, have figured out their sexual wants and tastes. You appear to be letting your experiences with other women influence how you fulfill your wife's needs, rather than learning the nuances and subtleties of the unique woman that she is.

If I may use my own marriage of almost 20 years as an example; When I asked my wife in the early years what she wanted sexually, she responded much like your wife. She enjoyed sex and orgasms, but wasn't the same as my previous partners. She would never initiate sex. She enjoyed having sex but it didn't seem to be a priority to her.

A friend once told me, "There are two types of women. Women that really love to fuck, and women who just don't know it yet." My wife couldn't tell me back then how to make sex hot and irristible for her, or how to "give her" an orgasm because even though she'd had prior partners she hadn't yet learned what really turned her into a sex kitten and made sex really sizzle for her. When I'd ask if she had any fantasies, to this day she can honestly answer "no". That's just not the way that sex works for her.

For my wife, the deeper and more intimate our personal relationship has become outside of the bedroom, the more satisfying and fulfilling sex has become and the more interested she is. We've had to work together toward hot sex, and there were times in our marriage when sex was a big issue. We had to learn to see that everything is connected to everything else in a healthy and thriving marriage, including sex. It took us almost 20 years to discover that there are some kinks that really fire her up. It's our job (IMHO) to figure out how the biggest sex organ in her body is wired, and then figure out how to connect all of the dots.

I've always loved pleasuring my wife orally, but we both had to learn that it's not one sided or just about her. It's as much about me and satisfying a craving in me as it is about giving her pleasure. Once she figured out how much her taste and scent thrills me to this day, she started getting off on turning me on so much - but she wouldn't orgasm from oral sex. It's only been in the past few years as our marriage has really matured and simmered into something truely unique that she's started to orgasm from oral sex.

We are each works of art in progress, and sex in marriage is dynamic and always changing. We never paint the same sexual picture twice even once we've learn the brush strokes and textures that bring us pleasure. Great sex is a process of discovery and a commitment. We don't always respond the same way sexually as our marriages unfold. Some of us fall into broad categories of high or low sexual drive at different points in our marriage. Finding a way to bring together two constantly changing unique sets of physioligical needs along with personal tastes and wants is a challenge that requires commitment from both spouses. It is a process of discovery. Don't fall into the trap of equating orgasms with hot, passionate, and fulfilling sex.

My recommendation is to keep up the communication with your wife, and to commit yoruself to discovering who she is and who she will become sexually. Try new things, have fun, enjoy sex, but don't get wrapped up in orgasms. If she says she's enjoying sex, believe her and encourage her. In the mean time, if she says she enjoys being taken then by all means *take her*. You may discover something.

Best to you both.

 

[bluestarz]

Just to clarify. Asexuality has nothing to do with masturbation nor libido. Plenty of asexuals do masturbate. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. There is a difference.

Has she heard of asexuality.org?

Judging by your post she appears to have always been like this so it isn't a question of what changed it's just who she is. At least that is what it sounds like to me. You know her better than I do and I would hope she knows herself better than anyone else.

 

[Aphro]

Early in marriage sex is like a blank artist's canvas. The two of you need to discover the nuances of color and brush strokes together before you can create the beauty of the sexual art that is unique to your marriage. Not all women, or men for that matter, have figured out their sexual wants and tastes. You appear to be letting your experiences with other women influence how you fulfill your wife's needs, rather than learning the nuances and subtleties of the unique woman that she is.

If I may use my own marriage of almost 20 years as an example; When I asked my wife in the early years what she wanted sexually, she responded much like your wife. She enjoyed sex and orgasms, but wasn't the same as my previous partners. She would never initiate sex. She enjoyed having sex but it didn't seem to be a priority to her.

A friend once told me, "There are two types of women. Women that really love to fuck, and women who just don't know it yet." My wife couldn't tell me back then how to make sex hot and irristible for her, or how to "give her" an orgasm because even though she'd had prior partners she hadn't yet learned what really turned her into a sex kitten and made sex really sizzle for her. When I'd ask if she had any fantasies, to this day she can honestly answer "no". That's just not the way that sex works for her.

For my wife, the deeper and more intimate our personal relationship has become outside of the bedroom, the more satisfying and fulfilling sex has become and the more interested she is. We've had to work together toward hot sex, and there were times in our marriage when sex was a big issue. We had to learn to see that everything is connected to everything else in a healthy and thriving marriage, including sex. It took us almost 20 years to discover that there are some kinks that really fire her up. It's our job (IMHO) to figure out how the biggest sex organ in her body is wired, and then figure out how to connect all of the dots.

I've always loved pleasuring my wife orally, but we both had to learn that it's not one sided or just about her. It's as much about me and satisfying a craving in me as it is about giving her pleasure. Once she figured out how much her taste and scent thrills me to this day, she started getting off on turning me on so much - but she wouldn't orgasm from oral sex. It's only been in the past few years as our marriage has really matured and simmered into something truely unique that she's started to orgasm from oral sex.

We are each works of art in progress, and sex in marriage is dynamic and always changing. We never paint the same sexual picture twice even once we've learn the brush strokes and textures that bring us pleasure. Great sex is a process of discovery and a commitment. We don't always respond the same way sexually as our marriages unfold. Some of us fall into broad categories of high or low sexual drive at different points in our marriage. Finding a way to bring together two constantly changing unique sets of physioligical needs along with personal tastes and wants is a challenge that requires commitment from both spouses. It is a process of discovery. Don't fall into the trap of equating orgasms with hot, passionate, and fulfilling sex.

My recommendation is to keep up the communication with your wife, and to commit yoruself to discovering who she is and who she will become sexually. Try new things, have fun, enjoy sex, but don't get wrapped up in orgasms. If she says she's enjoying sex, believe her and encourage her. In the mean time, if she says she enjoys being taken then by all means *take her*. You may discover something.

Best to you both.

One of the most insightful, thoughtful posts I've ever read on this site. Spot on.

 

[desertslave]

I think pplwatching made an excellent post. I have just a few other thoughts.

Perhaps she was raised with the "good girls don't" mentality. She's willing, as a good wife, but taking initiative just isn't part of the program. Maybe the sense of being "taken" turns her on, even if she doesn't realize it. Being compliant may be part of the pleasure, for her.

Perhaps she just has a relatively low sex drive. That makes sense from what you've described so far. She enjoys it but she doesn't have much or any sense of sex being a physical priority.

 

[pplwatching]

Perhaps she was raised with the "good girls don't" mentality. She's willing, as a good wife, but taking initiative just isn't part of the program. Maybe the sense of being "taken" turns her on, even if she doesn't realize it. Being compliant may be part of the pleasure, for her. Perhaps she just has a relatively low sex drive. That makes sense from what you've described so far. She enjoys it but she doesn't have much or any sense of sex being a physical priority.

All good points, as are Curious' points about changing hormones as we age. It took me a while to figure out that my wife doesn't really like it when I'm "too considerate" about asking for sex. It had never occurred to me that she didn't want to always be asked, or that by being "sensitive" I was perpetuating the problem. I was not raised to believe that being persistant, pulling down her panties, and "taking my wife" could or would actually turn her on. Figuring that out was an eye opener. Of course, that's not every woman and I have an obligation to figure out if she's really not up for a roll in the hay.

There's nothing "wrong" with being naturally low drive, but it can cause a lot of hurt feelings and tension if it's not mutual. There are of course physical conditions that lead to low drive, and as my wife and I discovered hormonal birth control cuased her sex drive to flat-line. We went through a number of "female problems" and finally had a hysterectomy. It's been quite a road. It's always worth looking at possible underlying medical causes (or emotional) before simply accepting that "it is what it is".

For being so much fun, sex sure can be complicated. Part of what made my wife much more interested in, and eager for sex was when we finally both understood that sex isn't just an itch that needs to be scratched occasionally to avoid conflict or a "wifely duty". It fills emotional needs and validates me. I felt very conflicted emotionally when we were sexually disconnected. She needed to understand that it wasn't just me needing an orgasm. I needed to connect with her, and sex was a part of that. There was something in it for her too even when she wasn't as hot for it as I was. It's a great opportunity to reconnect, have fun together, communicate, and strengthen our marriage. She understands that by being available for sex, and a willing and participating partner, that she's working on our marriage and making it stronger. I think having it leads to wanting more of it, but it's no fun if there's pressure to always orgasm.

Dylan, I'd encourage you to ask yourself what sex means to you beyond the physical pleasure. Most of us who care about our lover want to make her feel good, and not being able to does cause strong feelings. if you are also feeling disconnected because of the situation, then I think that it's important to get her on the same page. There's quite a few "self help" books out there that can help you express each other's needs if you have trouble communicating them. Focusing on the rest of the marriage doesn't always work, but communcating is a good place to start.

 

[suckonsimon]

Dylan, I'd like to add to the good suggestions above:

See the development of your sexual pleasure together in marriage as a life-time project, having in mind that for many women the energy of their sexual expression and appetite does vary a great deal over the years, usually in the direction of becoming greater - but mostly very gradually!

Meanwhile give your wife the pleasure of satisfying you in the way she feels able and comfortable to; she will need to know that you are glad about what she is for you and gives to you sexually.

Woo her and wow her in all the ways you love to and she loves to be, that have nothing directly to do with what you get up to with your bodies. The igniting of arousal for a wife is so much connected in with: her pride in her man, the security and esteem and romance, and practical partnerships in terms of all the burdens of running a household and all that stuff, which she finds in him.

That's my offering mate. Si.

 

[GrrlFriday]

I wonder if she had orgasms with her previous partners?

Sometimes, an orgasm that is triggered by someone else's ministrations can be shocking - particularly if it's an orgasm that makes you feel helpless, as the G-spot orgasm has been described. (With the 'I want to pee' feeling.) It could be that she doesn't want to use her g-spot. (Due to the mess, the 'I want to pee feeling', the end of quickies...) All the advice about asking her how she masturbates, or letting you see her masturbate, I would second that.

There are a lot of anecdotes on g-spot orgasms in the Try This and Report Back thread: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=70892

It comes at it from a fairly D/s kind of vibe - lots of 'hold her down' etc., so use that with caution - but there is advice about overcoming the 'I want to pee' feeling, if that's what you're after.

 

[GorgeousGeekGirl]

Let me see if I have this right: you're married to someone who doesn't have as high as a sex drive as you, but who is willing to have sex as often as you want, aaaaaannnd makes sure you finish well, just to make you happy... And you're complaining?! Are you out of your damn mind???!!!

The problem isn't her, it's you. You used to bed hop a lot and got a lot of variety and freaky stuff from purely sexual relationships, and now you're dissatisfied that the woman devoted to you doesn't live up to the sexual acrobatics of all those other women. Dude, be happy she still does want sex before your sullenness rubs off on her.

As far as squirting, it can be terrifying. The couple of times it happened to me I didn't feel orgasmic joy; I was humiliated thinking I had wet the bed. And yes, it does feel like needing to urinate. The closest other sensation is when you do need to pee, and you sneeze and accidentally pee a bit, but squirting is a lot more. Stop pressuring her to do this; it will only make her dread sex.

You've got it good dude, don't screw it up

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I have to say -
I agree with GGG. I know that I only know a teeny little bit of a very big picture. If I'm in the situation you've described, I would feel a bit of performance anxiety with you. For women, sex can be very enjoyable without the big O. You're going to make it seem like work for her.. and who needs more work?

 

[silverwhisper]

whoa--hold on.

GGG, i completely disagree with your read of the situation. i think any whinyness you're getting from the OP is strictly inferred by you--myself and a dozen other people aren't seeing that trait here.

but even apart from that issue with perceived tone, you're perpetuating the utterly busted notion that just b/c the status quo isn't bad, it should be preserved. i don't accept that notion.

ed

 

[suckonsimon]

I have to say -
I agree with GGG. I know that I only know a teeny little bit of a very big picture. If I'm in the situation you've described, I would feel a bit of performance anxiety with you. For women, sex can be very enjoyable without the big O. You're going to make it seem like work for her.. and who needs more work?

Just a male take on GG's point here. I guess I have 'trained' myself to find my maximum fulfillment in my woman's orgasms, and I think genuinely loving men who are, frankly, good at it, probably do that - because a woman's orgasms are awesome in comparison to a man's and it is hugely satisfying for both to enjoy them. So, perhaps, Dylan, it's worth you focussing on the pleasure in your own body: the whole physicality of the fuck, the max of your erection, and the fulfillment as well as the release of pumping your woman with your man-milk. That's what she really wants you to enjoy, yes? So enjoy, for yourself, and take delight in her pleasure in your pleasure; she loves you!

 

[nkdjim2]

Opinion

believe I once was told that discussion about sex should not happen in the bedroom, but it seems I never listen that well. I have not seen any mention of FOREPLAY, lots and lots of it.
Try using a thick towel under and tell to let herself go as you use your tongue

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Just a male take on GG's point here. I guess I have 'trained' myself to find my maximum fulfillment in my woman's orgasms, and I think genuinely loving men who are, frankly, good at it, probably do that - because a woman's orgasms are awesome in comparison to a man's and it is hugely satisfying for both to enjoy them. So, perhaps, Dylan, it's worth you focussing on the pleasure in your own body: the whole physicality of the fuck, the max of your erection, and the fulfillment as well as the release of pumping your woman with your man-milk. That's what she really wants you to enjoy, yes? So enjoy, for yourself, and take delight in her pleasure in your pleasure; she loves you!

hahaha.. it would be one way for her to get wrapped up in the situation.. I'm just not sure it's ready to go that far.

(personally.. I think it's a totally hot answer. she says, "I want to be taken" - so take her)

Is there a chance that she's having orgasms and you don't notice because they aren't as explosive as what you've previously experienced? I mean, seriously, once you've sprayed your girl love all over the headboard, the others can seem kind of modest.

 

[unicorn64]

This thread has so many good points and truths. Many hit home with me, just don't know how to fix them.

From my point of view I still think part of the problem with women having orgasms is man not wanting to put the work in foreplay. I may have said it before but there is a group of men trying to condition thier slave/subs/wives/girlfriends to cum on command with little or no foreplay. Men don't seem to like foreplay as much as women need it. I got the distinct impression they wanted to be able to cum on command. also with nor foreplay. Hey lets have sex tonight, ok lets. Cum and she does, ejaculate and he does, end of sex. There is also a man who has denied his wife/slave orgasm for over a year. He has her convinced she is happy. That's crazy. I pissed him off so he banned me from the thread and deleted my post. Then in a pm I told him he was just mad because he couldn't control me. I don't even want to repeat what he said back. I deleted his whole conversation with me. Any man who would deny his wife/slave orgasms for over a year and brag about it is not a man I'd want to meet.