Serious Story:

[Match Made In Heaven]

I'm working on a serious story. It's a romance and it's continuing. In other words it's a work in progress. Its doing pretty well. If anyone is interested, you can check it out- there's a link in my sig-line.

The story is a romance, and develops quite a bit slower than your average lit story. I'm focusing on getting the story all down and so am looking forward to encouraging feedback at this time (if you have it to offer) rather than constructive critisism, which I will be looking for at a later date.

Some have suggested that I wait until the story is complete (and polished) before posting, but I find that this is the best way for me to maintain my motivation.




*********
After nearly two years, Katherine Banks was coming to claim her inheritance. Well not so much to claim it as to deal with it. She had been avoiding this moment for so long. Katherine remembered, vaguely the day that she had attended her aunts will reading. Her head had been so full of guilt and grief that the day past in a fog.

Katherine had always loved her Aunt Aimee. More than that, they seemed to have a special bond, a closeness that Katherine had never been able to find with her mother, Aimee’s sister. Peal was such a closed off woman, stern and steady above it all. Aimee had been the fun one, the mystical crazy dramatic one who just seemed to bring everything else around her alive. Aimee never had children of her own, and Katherine had a feeling that her Aunt had spiritually adopted her. There was a spark in her as a child, a glimmer of mystery and drama and adventure.

But time and a heavy dose of her mothers influence had drawn Katherine to more practical concerns. After all, following pipe dreams and tilting after windmills had been the downfall of Katherine’s father and the tragic end to his and Pearls marriage. A hard life as a single mother had certainly left it’s effect on Pearl Banks, and she had been careful to impart upon her daughter the that life was an uphill struggle, not a field of wildflowers. She had never been particularly fun or affectionate, but that’s where Aimee came in.

Aimee Blanchard, the spinster aunt, who always took her on adventures of the imagination, who was always so much fun in her childhood, seemed to transform during Katherine’s adolescence into something of a crazy odd-ball. And that, in a teenager’s mind is something to avoid at all cost. No longer was pretending to read each other’s futures or dancing around singing show tunes going to make the grade- literally or figuratively. Pearl had insisted that Katherine dedicate herself to her studies, almost to the exclusion of any kind of social life.

Over the years, Aunt Aimee had extended many invitations to Katherine to come and visit her in her lakefront home on Shell Beach. At first, Katherine had her adolescent embarrassment to blame, but as she outgrew that she just seemed to find excuse after excuse to put it off. “Maybe next time” became her mantra. She urged her aunt to come back to Michigan to visit her instead, and Aimee did make an occasional trip, but she often insisted that there was so much of California that she wanted to share with her niece. She spoke enthusiastically about her home, her neighbors and the especially the scenery. Still, thinking of all that she had been taught to believe about the west coast, Katherine found herself literally cringing at the thought.

The last few years, Katherine had had the best excuse of all. Between odd jobs, she was working hard on a novel. She had spent every spare hour either in the library doing research or writing, rewriting and self editing. Her aunt had been extremely understanding and supportive, saying only, “Maybe you’ll come out when it’s finished.”

No one expected Aimee’s sudden death, least of all Katherine. She had always thought that she would see her again. Aimee had kept her illness a secret, preferring that friends and relatives visit her out of joy rather than pity or grief. Katherine had no way of knowing that by the time her book was finished, it would be too late.

 

[wishfulthinking]

In the non-italics version:

After nearly two years, Katherine Banks was coming to claim her inheritance. Well not so much to claim it as to deal with it. She had been avoiding this moment for so long. Katherine remembered, vaguely the day that she had attended her aunts will reading. Her head had been so full of guilt and grief that the day past in a fog.

Katherine had always loved her Aunt Aimee. More than that, they seemed to have a special bond, a closeness that Katherine had never been able to find with her mother, Aimee’s sister. Peal was such a closed off woman, stern and steady above it all. Aimee had been the fun one, the mystical crazy dramatic one who just seemed to bring everything else around her alive. Aimee never had children of her own, and Katherine had a feeling that her Aunt had spiritually adopted her. There was a spark in her as a child, a glimmer of mystery and drama and adventure.

But time and a heavy dose of her mothers influence had drawn Katherine to more practical concerns. After all, following pipe dreams and tilting after windmills had been the downfall of Katherine’s father and the tragic end to his and Pearls marriage. A hard life as a single mother had certainly left it’s effect on Pearl Banks, and she had been careful to impart upon her daughter the that life was an uphill struggle, not a field of wildflowers. She had never been particularly fun or affectionate, but that’s where Aimee came in.

Aimee Blanchard, the spinster aunt, who always took her on adventures of the imagination, who was always so much fun in her childhood, seemed to transform during Katherine’s adolescence into something of a crazy odd-ball. And that, in a teenager’s mind is something to avoid at all cost. No longer was pretending to read each other’s futures or dancing around singing show tunes going to make the grade- literally or figuratively. Pearl had insisted that Katherine dedicate herself to her studies, almost to the exclusion of any kind of social life.

Over the years, Aunt Aimee had extended many invitations to Katherine to come and visit her in her lakefront home on Shell Beach. At first, Katherine had her adolescent embarrassment to blame, but as she outgrew that she just seemed to find excuse after excuse to put it off. “Maybe next time” became her mantra. She urged her aunt to come back to Michigan to visit her instead, and Aimee did make an occasional trip, but she often insisted that there was so much of California that she wanted to share with her niece. She spoke enthusiastically about her home, her neighbors and the especially the scenery. Still, thinking of all that she had been taught to believe about the west coast, Katherine found herself literally cringing at the thought.

The last few years, Katherine had had the best excuse of all. Between odd jobs, she was working hard on a novel. She had spent every spare hour either in the library doing research or writing, rewriting and self editing. Her aunt had been extremely understanding and supportive, saying only, “Maybe you’ll come out when it’s finished.”

No one expected Aimee’s sudden death, least of all Katherine. She had always thought that she would see her again. Aimee had kept her illness a secret, preferring that friends and relatives visit her out of joy rather than pity or grief. Katherine had no way of knowing that by the time her book was finished, it would be too late.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Hi, I'll try and give it a whirl

You write very smoothly and well. But you would probably need to finish it before anyone can give you a valid opinion. From what I've read I can say you've spent 7 paragraphs on her relationship with her dead aunt who seemed like a mother/sister to her, but she made no time in her life for her, and you get this across well, but I'm wondering where you will go from here. I can try and guess that she meets someone over there that will help with her guilt. The only thing I would say is that don't over dwell on her relationship with her aunt, but give us enough to explain her feelings, actions etc of what comes later [whatever that may be]

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. But good luck and keep going!

 

[Match Made In Heaven]

Groovy, wishfull thinking, thanks

I've gotten some email feedback and a few public feedback posts, that have helped me to see some things such as maybe I overstressed point A and really didn't get point B accross at all, which has been very helpful. And I've also gotten some questions and suggestions that have really gotten me thinking about some other points as well. I love how peoples comments help you clarify what you mean- even when your readers seem to have such drastically different ideas of what you 'should' do w/ your characters, lol. Luckily, I don't find that this interferes with my own process, but it gives me a great peek at how my story is coming accross to the reader.

I think I started posting this way because I was hoping for just a few people who would say, 'Yeah I'm really into this story- when's the next chapter coming out?' Because I'm a procrastinator and I sort of need that kick in the butt sometimes. It's fine that I don't have a lot of feedback, cuz I don't want to spend all my time ansering feedback rather than working on this dang story! On the other hand, having one or two people to talk it over with is nice.

If you'd like to read what I've got so far (beyond the italalics. lol) click on my link- there are three installments so far that progress the story a bit further. I realize it's not much- and some of it is a bit too obvious and 'telling' rather than showing but I will be fixing that, once I get the main body of this thing banged out My problem so far on this story is that I have had a chapter one (orriginal is misplaced, I wrote it years ago) for such a long time, and never progressed much farther. In fact- all of my 'books' have ended up being endless rewrites in search for the perfect first chapter. (so you see why I need this push!)

I take heart in the fact that what is essentially a 'first draft' has been well recieved, and I think that once I complete that and move on to revisions I will really have something to be proud of. Writing, I find can be filled with self doubt so even the fact that someone likes what you've written well enough to show you what was wrong with it really boosts me up. (I hope that made sense)

By the time I get to a final draft, I'm quite sure many old readers will probably be sick of it allready! But there will be new readers who will benefit from their early interest

Your words of encouragement - and others- are greatly appreciated. They are really all I need, to remind me that I really *can* do this So thanks!

And now I must be off to work on the story, check my email, and so forth.

hugs,

Sweet/Match

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I’m afraid my eyes glazed over. Halfway down the page and I was still reading background information, and from what I could tell, the action didn’t even begin until we got down to the very end of the first Lit page. That’s what? comething like 4000 words of background information? That’s just too much. You’ve got to give me some real-time action or I’m going to jump.

I know this is romance and I don’t expect her to whip off her clothes and jump in the sack, in the first 200 words, but this just goes on for too long. A novel's a story, and the story should start at the start of the novel. You can catch me up on her background later if necessary. For now, I'm looking for a tale to engage my interest.

From what I gather, Katherine is going to her aunt Aimee’s estate after her aunt’s death. Wouldn’t it have been better to follow her there and then have her reminisce about her aunt as she walked through the empty rooms or picked up these odd mementos that held memories for her? Wouldn’t it have been better to paint us a picture of the odd-ball and loving things her aunt by recounting these memories rather than just coming out and telling us that her aunt was a zany odd-ball? A few anecdotes would paint a much more vivid picture of the kind of woman she was than paragraphs of explanation, and they would give the story some feeling of life and motion.

Maybe it’s just me, but I seem to see this so much in stories on Lit: long explanations of relationships and histories that just sit there and stick in your throat while you’re tapping your foot and waiting for something to happen. The truth is, I don’t really care about these people until I can see them in some kind of action, and you can tell me someone’s life story and I’m probably going to forget it as soon as something interesting happens. I form my opinions of characters based on what they do and how they do it, and until they show some signs of life, I’m not much interested in their histories.

Okay. That’s my rant.

The writing is lovely as far as it goes, but, as I say, expository prose bores me to tears. You do have a problem with using apostorphe’s for possessive nouns though. There’s a whole bunch missing here. And then you use an apostrophe for the possesive of “it”, which doesn’t take one. (The possessive of “it” is “its”; no apostrophe. “It’s” is the contraction of “it is.)

Sorry Match, but this one was a sleeper for me.

---dr.M.

 

[Match Made In Heaven]

Funny you should say that doc,

I was thinking all the same thing

I'm trying to progress with the story, but at the same time I am working on some of the problems I've already noticed in my first post. I think I'm going to work on this as I go along and probably won't post it until I've got quite a bit more than whats in my other posts,- like either a group of chapters or the entire manuscript.

The chapter by chapter that I've got up so far- ok, I admit it, is sort of like a story 'dump'- I've just been trying to get out as much as possible as quick as possible (because I have a bad habit of getting 'stuck' on long manuscripst), while this other version is going to be more thoughtful and take more time.

Well, at least that's the plan

YOU might like my new opening a little better. So here's a little taste:

The brunette emerged from the cherry red convertible and strode purposely up the drive. Behind the pristine white beach house, the sun was beginning to sink over the placid water, infusing a warm orange glow into the deepening inky blue sky. Standing alone on the edge of the ocean, the home seemed remarkably welcoming, considering Katherine’s purpose and the events that led her here.

Her hand shook slightly as she slipped the key into the door, sending a tiny tinkling rattle into the thick warm evening night. Before she had a chance to reach with her other hand to turn the knob, the handle turned itself and the door swung open.

Katherine was startled to see a man standing in the doorway, filling the door frame with his own wide shoulders and athletic looking build. The strange man was dressed casually, yet with obvious awareness of the devastating effect of his attractiveness. His jeans were snug enough to make Katherine keenly away of his well muscled legs, and his white button down shirt was indeed buttoned down to all but one button where he seemed haphazardly tucked in to his unbelted waist. His chest and abs had obviously been worked on, probably obsessively so, but there was no denying their appeal. Where he should have worn a watch, Katherine could see a hemp and seashell bracelet dangling around his wrist.

Forcing herself to look away from his bared pleasantly fuzzy pecks, she was greeted by merry blue eyes that were a bit too sure of themselves, peaking out from beneath a mass of thick honey blond curls that tumbled down over his forehead in an almost defiant way. The sides of his hair where trimmed short which only seemed to accentuate the wild curls which clearly refused to be tamed. An amused smile played across his lips as Katherine stared up at him in a mixture of awe and confusion.

His posture was just as casual as his look. He leaned against the door frame with his shoulder as if he didn’t have a care in the world, although it seemed rather obvious that he didn’t belong there. This was, after all, Katherine’s house now and the previous owner, her own late aunt, Aimee Blanchard was certainly not entertaining any guests. The situation didn’t make any sense and the man in the doorway seemed incredibly smug in the face of it all. She double-checked the address, and once she confirmed that she really was at the right house, she let her reaction reflect the irritation that was growing minute by minute as she surveyed this cocky intruder.

Katherine Banks looked directly into the strangers eyes. She really didn’t give a damn if he had the face and body of a Greek god. She had had enough. “Who the hell are you?” she demanded.

***

(flashback)


I don't want to get to caught up in fixing and refixing the first page or two, but I felt a pull to rework this tonignt when it got quet around here (lol) I'm sure it's far from perfect, but I do feel that it's a bit more skillful. Might not be enough to draw the doctor in but it introduces an early element of suspense that hopefully will keep my audience reading (and avoid that glazed eye syndrom)

 

[Match Made In Heaven]

I'll just cut and past my good news on this thread, for those who might not check the author's hangout.

Woo-hoo, check me out!
You'll have to excuse me, I'm rather exited.

My 'little story', which admittedly is little more than a rough draft at this point has reached all the way to the top list, dispite my own poor editing abilities. Ch. 3 is on the 4th page of the romance toplist ranked at number 328. Ok, this is not huge or anything, but I am happy with myself, it gives me hope.