Serious Relationship Help Required

[Miss_Adagio]

Hello,

I have been on and off this board for a little while now, and there has always been good advice, which I sure need now!

I am new to the scene and had been looking for a partner as well as someone who could introduce me to this lifestyle. I have since found someone and we are very much in love (awwww ). The trouble is, it has taken me a little time to be comfortable enough to start exploring different kinks and now that I am ready, he is having a lot of trouble playing with someone he is in love with (which he has never done before). It's like he can't dominate me because he respects me too much and he doesn't want to open up about what he wants because...I don't know, maybe he is worried I will think he is a freak and leave him (which of course I wouldn't and have told him that).

Now I KNOW it is possible to play with someone you are in love with, but I just don't know how to get there. I know I need to discuss it further with him, but I was wondering if anyone has been in this situation or has any suggestions?

 

[ms.read]

Talk to Netzach, she would know.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Did the relationship begin with the intention of being D/s or did it begin as a love match and then see where it leads? If you began by being up front that you wanted both in the one partner and he wanted the same, perhaps remind him of that and why you both needed it before you found each other. It is not an unusual problem and seems to get better with lots of talking, open communication, and patience.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[twysted73]

Come back in about 5 hours and you'll have far more responses then this. (in here, it's not if but just a matter of when)


'Nilla and Kink can mix. Have mixed successfully. But it's not so much the topics of choice as much as it is those involved.
Depending on how long you've known one another has much to do with comfortability and his ability to do as you both wish with what you offer. I would guess you've not known one another too long. So the newness and the boundries in your base relationship haven't been overly set and that makes for more activity involving much more trust and understanding slightly difficult.
You are correct in saying it's completely possible to play with those you love.
Infact I'd say it adds an element of trust and comfortability not found in those D/s relationships lacking it.

I look at it like this, "If my lover wants what she has asked of me, and I am slightly hessitant to do so because I respect and love her as much as I do, then I would have to look beyond my own limitations and seek the deeper meaning there. She loves me. Trusts me to do this. And, being the type that I am, I want to make her happy. I certainly wouldn't 0prefer her to look elsewhere. So it's a limit he must find a way to push and expand within himself. And time, communication, desire and comfortability mixed with reassurances (not to mention a few hot encouragements and enticements) would do the trick.
I'm sure others will follow behind this post of mine with far more elequence. But I hope, in the meentime, this helps.

 

[SubNebGuy]

all I can say, is 'baby steps'.

start with something simple like a blindfold...then have your hands tied.

keep upping the ante every couple of months, as long as he's ok with it. for him it may only ever feel like roleplay, while for you its much deeper...or not.

 

[unfoundiamond]

what's up with that?

It sounds like all is well... but he sounds like the fear of opening up and his difficulty topping you is coming from the fact that he likes you (when you care a lot of someones opinion of you it can make you nervous or scared to open up) It sounds like he's afraid to scaree you away... and It sounds like a bit of stage fright, since I don't believe he can respect you too much to give you pleasure, I respect the man I play with - or I wouldnt.

Congrats on finding "Master Right"...

**wanted to add, I think being in love with your D or s is the ideal situation. Love is not something that would prevent you from being dominated, or from submitting, But would make the connection and power it has over you stronger...

 

[Netzach]

Love and SM go perfectly together for me, more or less. I have no problem doing things that I personally have within my own limits to the people I like. Love and M/s ownership don't work together for me, because in M/s, to me, discipline trumps love, and that doesn't work with my notion of a Romantic pairing. My husband can fuck most things up and I'll still keep him around. If H fucks a lot of mundane things up, I will want a slave who doesn't and get one. A slave's job is to make my life easier and a lover's job is to make it brutally messy but interesting. This is neither here nor there, it doesn't seem like this is the issue at hand.

Admittedly, my husband/lover likes certain things that I could take or leave, except for the fact that his *reaction* to them is so powerful. Inserting sounds in a penis, for example, is not my #1 way to pass an afternoon, but I've done it with him and liked it because it was a fascinating new thing to do together and his reaction was great.

I also bottom to someone and it's been frustrating at times if I want to be pushed certain ways and it's not happening and whatnot. I've come to realize that this Top's idea of "a dark and nasty idea" and my idea of "a dark and nasty idea" are literally light years apart. Interstellar, truly. But I love him and I'm in love with him.

Again it's contextual. If sounds are not my A1 way to pass an afternoon unless I care about the person, you can bet everything you own that being bossed around is at the bottom of the list, unless it's this one person.

I personally chose to get more into *him* then, if this is a submission deal, I figured, ok, what *does* he really like? I've gotten more into things like biting orgasm control dress-up and most of the things that otherwise vanilla people consider edgy because well, for me, bottoming is edgy alone and with him there's a vast emotional and Romantic attachment that loads even the simple shit with meaning and implication.

If you want to bring out what Dominance there is, submit, serve. Figure out what he likes, decide you like the sight of him liking something, and make it happen for him often. You'll find wonderful little opportunities in the middle of hotness to admit that it would turn you on to no end if he were to cum all over your dress and take you out like that or whatever.

 

[EmpressFi]

Master and I have a D/s relationship.. and we're best friend..and love each other deeply.. it just feels like the right thing to do

 

[buxxxom]

Love and SM go perfectly together for me, more or less. I have no problem doing things that I personally have within my own limits to the people I like. Love and M/s ownership don't work together for me, because in M/s, to me, discipline trumps love, and that doesn't work with my notion of a Romantic pairing. My husband can fuck most things up and I'll still keep him around. If H fucks a lot of mundane things up, I will want a slave who doesn't and get one. A slave's job is to make my life easier and a lover's job is to make it brutally messy but interesting. This is neither here nor there, it doesn't seem like this is the issue at hand.

Admittedly, my husband/lover likes certain things that I could take or leave, except for the fact that his *reaction* to them is so powerful. Inserting sounds in a penis, for example, is not my #1 way to pass an afternoon, but I've done it with him and liked it because it was a fascinating new thing to do together and his reaction was great.

I also bottom to someone and it's been frustrating at times if I want to be pushed certain ways and it's not happening and whatnot. I've come to realize that this Top's idea of "a dark and nasty idea" and my idea of "a dark and nasty idea" are literally light years apart. Interstellar, truly. But I love him and I'm in love with him.

Again it's contextual. If sounds are not my A1 way to pass an afternoon unless I care about the person, you can bet everything you own that being bossed around is at the bottom of the list, unless it's this one person.

I personally chose to get more into *him* then, if this is a submission deal, I figured, ok, what *does* he really like? I've gotten more into things like biting orgasm control dress-up and most of the things that otherwise vanilla people consider edgy because well, for me, bottoming is edgy alone and with him there's a vast emotional and Romantic attachment that loads even the simple shit with meaning and implication.

If you want to bring out what Dominance there is, submit, serve. Figure out what he likes, decide you like the sight of him liking something, and make it happen for him often. You'll find wonderful little opportunities in the middle of hotness to admit that it would turn you on to no end if he were to cum all over your dress and take you out like that or whatever.

Every word you post is worth reading, but this, this one, wow.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Hello,

I have been on and off this board for a little while now, and there has always been good advice, which I sure need now!

I am new to the scene and had been looking for a partner as well as someone who could introduce me to this lifestyle. I have since found someone and we are very much in love (awwww ). The trouble is, it has taken me a little time to be comfortable enough to start exploring different kinks and now that I am ready, he is having a lot of trouble playing with someone he is in love with (which he has never done before). It's like he can't dominate me because he respects me too much and he doesn't want to open up about what he wants because...I don't know, maybe he is worried I will think he is a freak and leave him (which of course I wouldn't and have told him that).

Now I KNOW it is possible to play with someone you are in love with, but I just don't know how to get there. I know I need to discuss it further with him, but I was wondering if anyone has been in this situation or has any suggestions?

Yes I have.

It takes time. Patience and LOTS of totally open communication are two of the key ingredients. If you are in a hurry then I'd say you're shit outta luck darlin. Sorry.

 

[Guest]

The fact that he's reluctant to open up and share any part of himself with you, to me, suggests some deeper troubles in the relationship. Loving someone means you love them completely, that you trust them, and believe those feelings are returned.

If he's keeping something from you, especially out of fear that you might look at him differently or change your feelings for him, how much can he trust you? And, in turn, how much can you trust him?

Of course, it could be that it's just too soon in the relationship to be exploring some of these aspects. You said it took you some time to feel comfortable with the idea of exploring certain kinks with him. Maybe he hasn't reached that stage?

I'd say you need to talk the issue through and analyze where the complication arises. If he's reluctant to discuss what he's truly thinking and feeling, then you might want to start looking for a new partner, because this relationship will never reach the level of trust and security you're going to want and need for the lifestyle.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Sounds to me like a potentially resolvable case of cold feet. You haven't been together that long, you're all loved up and settling into the prospect of a new long term relationship. The boat you're sitting in is so pretty and newly built that loverboy doesn't want to start rocking it yet. That's understandable IMO.

People are often wary of kink. It's an unknown quantity and a highly personal one, which makes it difficult to define. Unless you have really good, frank communication, dabbling in kink can lead to misunderstandings that can potentially cause harm, either physically or to your relationship.

he is having a lot of trouble playing with someone he is in love with (which he has never done before).

Does this mean he's new kink completely or just new to play within a LTR?

There's also the "where will it end?" factor. If you want your relationship and/or your sexlife to have a permanent power exchange and he's never tried kink before, that's a big ask. If he's only played with casual partners then he needs to think his way around the "I can treat her like a whore because she means nothing more than that to me." mindset he's got into.

I would work on communication 1st and introducing kink 2nd. Unless you know exactly where he's coming from with this problem there's little anyone can say to advise you. What if he says that he doesn't want there to be any kink, can you live with that?

 

[Miss_Adagio]

Thank you for all your replies, some really good points - given me a fair bit to think about. To clarify, we did initially meet with the intention of SM etc (both of us switch roles) but neither of us wanted anything too extreme (eg 24/7 Power exchange). And we did try once or twice but that was very early and I was the one not ready. Now I am and I am not very good at being patient!!!! (think Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka)

One thing I resent a little about the situation is that fact that I have had to bring it up, you know? I am terrible at talking about these things - I just wish he would take the lead! God, I really don't understand why it is so hard for him...we have a similar interest in SM, we are consenting adults and we are in a committed relationship!

My really worry is I do feel like he doesn't trust me. I have opened up to him and he hasn't reciprocated. A point I need to discuss with him....

Once again, thank you for all your collective wisdom!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Thank you for all your replies, some really good points - given me a fair bit to think about. To clarify, we did initially meet with the intention of SM etc (both of us switch roles) but neither of us wanted anything too extreme (eg 24/7 Power exchange). And we did try once or twice but that was very early and I was the one not ready. Now I am and I am not very good at being patient!!!! (think Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka)

One thing I resent a little about the situation is that fact that I have had to bring it up, you know? I am terrible at talking about these things - I just wish he would take the lead! God, I really don't understand why it is so hard for him...we have a similar interest in SM, we are consenting adults and we are in a committed relationship!

My really worry is I do feel like he doesn't trust me. I have opened up to him and he hasn't reciprocated. A point I need to discuss with him....

Once again, thank you for all your collective wisdom!

How is he supposed to know what's on your mind if you don't clue him in? They're guys not gods (shhh I didn't say that). They really do need our help in letting them know what we want, whether they want to admit it to us or not (some will some won't, and that's a fact).

I've been married to my husband/Dom for 19 years and He still needs my help in knowing what's on my mind. Oh and He doesn't always open up to me like I wish He would either, better learn to get used to that, I think that's just how they're wired. They seem to think we're too soft to handle what's on their minds or something... ppffftt... if I can handle getting my ass beat I think I can handle what's on His damn mind for God's sake.

Anyway... Like I said before, patience is something you are really gonna have to work hard on. You are going to need it. Trust me! Best of luck to you. It's not hopeless I promise.