Serious Question: Have you ever been with someone who was agressive?

[Mistress]

This has been on my mind all day today, and in all seriousiness I'm slightly worried. I am talking to an old friend and last night we were fooling around, anyways he got a bit agressive, ok alot agressive and today I am sore. VERY sore, he didn't mean to be so rough and he keeps saying he is sorry about it, but I actually did panic at one point last night. Today I have been bothered by my thoughts, he's a good guy, I like him, and I knew him growing up. Normally he wouldn't hurt a fly, I'm very sensitive and bruise easy, and last night things just heated up too fast....though I'd rather not go into the eact details of everything that happened.

Needless to say, though we didn't actually fuck, I am still bruised from the foreplay, actually...let's say I'm still bleeding from the foreplay. He seriously didn't realize how much he hurt me, and I didn't either until I got in the shower this morning and as soon as the water hit my body I practically screamed from pain.

I have friends telling me I shouldn't see him again, but that wouldn't be fair considering the harm wasn't intended to my body. I figure I'll at least give him a second chance....sometime in the future (Not right now I need to heal), then if it happens again I'll say to hell with him.

What would you do?

 

[patient1]

communicate.

 

[scylis]

talk to him. if it happens again, tell me. i kill. or at least seriously beat.

 

[Mistress]

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't post these but....

1

/Edit on, removed pixs....they have been looked at enough. Getting a bit uncomfortable with people seeing the marks now....

 

[Mistress]

2
/Edit on, removed pixs....they have been looked at enough. Getting a bit uncomfortable with people seeing the marks now....

 

[Mistress]

3
/Edit on, removed pixs....they have been looked at enough. Getting a bit uncomfortable with people seeing the marks now....

 

[Mistress]

4
/Edit on, removed pixs....they have been looked at enough. Getting a bit uncomfortable with people seeing the marks now....

 

[scylis]

ohhh.. fuck talking!! i kill now! where is that little rat-bastitch?!?

 

[Mistress]

Last one....

There is even a black blood spot on the bottom of the nipple...

This was done with the hand..NOT a mouth....

/Edit on, removed pixs....they have been looked at enough. Getting a bit uncomfortable with people seeing the marks now....

 

[rambling man]

i have to agree, talking is key, establishing guidelines and boundaries...we like rough sex at my casa, but no one really wants to hurt the other. I hoppe this all works out well for you

 

[Silverlily]

Ok, it's no secret here I play rough. Not only have I been with someone who's aggressive, I married him. Bruises (I assume that is what was in that picture) are everyday events. And yes, I like sex to hurt, for real.

HOWEVER, it is consentual and we do know each other's limits. I trust him completely with my life and this is not a game I would play with just anyone. Rough or violent sex IS NOT something that is ever (never ever) assumed or forced upon another. And until you know each other inside and out, you MUST have a safe word.

Don't be alone with this guy until you get that worked out. If he slipped this little bit in the beginning, what do you think he could do next if you don't take precautions? Please do not assume he's too nice, honey, there's no such thing.

 

[Lasz]

ouch!

I would definetly, treat thoese nipples a little bit differently

But in all honesty, does he realise what he did? Or was he just in the heat of the moment? Maybe show him like you showed us, sit down and talk to him about it. He will probably get the point if he is a decent human being, if not my in scylis got some killing to do.

laz

 

[Lasz]

Kitten Eyes said it better then I did.

 

[Mistress]

He hasn't seen what they look like yet, and personally I'm afriad it'll upset him to see them. Yes it was heat of the moment, but I also repeatedly told him we couldn't do this as well as repeatedly telling him to calm down it was hurting. I'll be honest, I was slightly scared and even felt like crying, but he did calm down each time I asked him too, only the more we kissed the more rough he'd get again. I told him I was in pain, and I told him I am still in pain and he keeps saying he feels bad about it, even went as far as to swearing that he wouldn't touch me again until I was ready to be touched. He also seemed upset by thinking that I may not talk to him now after last night, he knows it shook me up some. I don't want to write him off just yet obviously, I want to give him a chance, just going to take time to work up to that point again.

 

[cymbidia]

Mistress, please listen to me, okay?


1. Talk to him. Tell him calmly that he hurt you and that you don't feel angry at him over it but that you need to tell him what happened to you so he will know.

2. Tell him the details of how he hurt you without throwing a lot of blame around. Just give him the facts.

3. Ask him if that's what he intended to do. (Of COURSE he will say no!)

4. Tell him that you have to have some assurance that he will not get so rough with you again BEFORE you can see him again.

5. He will swear up and down that he will never do that again.

6. Tell him specifically the kinds of things you do NOT want to happen to your body again. Use the words you have to use to totally be sure he understands. If you have to say "pussy", say it. If you have to say "hickey", say it. Now is *not* the time to be a shrinking little shy girl with him, okay?

7. Tell him that you want a "safe word" with him. It's a word that would NEVER EVER come up in the normal course of events with him but one that, when/if you use it, he MUST immediately stop touching you ans pull back. This word will be your safety, your assurance that he won't hurt you in the heat of passion again without a way for you to stop it. Choose "RED" for the word, or something else that you'll remember in the middle of hot harsh panting fast wet rough almost-sex. RED has worked well for many many many of us, Mistress.

Can you do all that? Can YOU take the steps necessary to keep yourself safe with him? You cannot trust him to do it, so far, at least.

Can you take steps to keep yourself safe with him?

 

[Silverlily]

but I also repeatedly told him we couldn't do this as well as repeatedly telling him to calm down it was hurting. I'll be honest, I was slightly scared and even felt like crying, but he did calm down each time I asked him too, only the more we kissed the more rough he'd get again.

This is what concerns me, the words repeatedly and calm down each time I asked...rough he'd get again. He sounds out of control and while that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, that does make it a bad situation.

 

[Guest]

First of all, let me start by saying that I am not being a smart ass or sarcastic...

But, I am guessing that prior to this you have never been intimate with him? (I know you said you grew up with him and all, though...) During the acts did it hurt? (I know you mentioned how you were scared for at least a bit the prior night...) Have you tried talking with him yet? Do you know if he's typically this aggressive with other women he's been intimate with?

Posted by Mistress:

What would you do?

First of all, I enjoy rough sex. I enjoy BDSM. I enjoy bondage, being spanked, etc., but if I was truly being hurt I'd use a safe word to have the sex act stopped. (And, if I was loving it very much at the time, but discovered later how badly I had gotten hurt (ie: the bruises and whatnot) I would talk to him about it.) The key to any friendship or relationship is open communication. You say how your friend would never hurt a fly... Do you know if he's normally a gentle lover with other women? Could he have had a bad day so the foreplay was heated and rough as a result? Are you into BDSM and if so does he know?


(Edited P.S.
I see this thread is still active and a lot more information has been added since I last read adn posted... As almost everyone else here has said TALK TO HIM!! Be honest with him.)

 

[april-wine]

All I have to say is, Mistress if you were scared there's a problem....If you had to keep repeating to him to calm down there's a problem....Sheesh look at the bloody marks he left on you, it's different if you wanted that, or needed that....Rethink this, he may be a nice guy, but obviously has NO control....

 

[RhumbRunner13]

Naughty Little Girl........

Teach!!!

Your limits, his limits!

He is probably just a little too young (immature) to know where they are.

RhumbRunner

 

[voyergirl]

i am wondering if during the playing it hurt you then or were you also in the "heat of the moment" and he may have thought you liked it alittle rough?

kitten is right, you have to be careful. if he did this already you never really know what he is capable of at the point of orgasm!

i feel so bad for you they look so painful, this will sound funny, but utter cream may help in healing. it is sold over the counter as a hand lotion. it gets into cracks and really helps in healing. i am rethinking this now, maybe just use a&d lotion. God forbid they get infected (ouch).

i don't think he respects your body to much, but you have to give him the chance to prove himself i guess? if he has wanted you for a long time this may have been years of lust he released onto your tender flesh, you know men they can get wrapped up in the motions!

Best of Luck and BE CAREFUL

 

[Mistress]

He knew I liked to have my nipples pulled but not that hard, he knew I was into some roughness, but not that rough. It could have been the fact that my breasts are majorly sensative this time of the month I don't know but I have never had them hurt this bad or bleed like they have off and on today.

Cym, I have spoken to him some, and when I am comfortable enough to speak to him alone I will go into more detail like I should, and I think I will show him the marks...so he knows.

Your right, it is a bit well, unsafe considering it all....

I had asked him last night as well as a bit ago on the phone if he was norally so sexually agressive, he did claim to be sometimes. Yet he still swears he didn't mean to harm me in any way.....
He was out of control last night and he admits this, which is good that he does admit it, and doesn't disagree.

 

[Sabineteas]

Only one thing to say, please be careful, set boundaries that he should cleary understand. There is not one reason that you should be like that, not one. The fact that you were scared also bothers me and that he hurt you, stopped when you said something and then hurt you again.

I really don't feel good about this.

Really think about this, really think, Mistress.....I'm not the best one to talk about something like this, but there has to be someone that you can. I think you need to on this.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Mistress... if you're still scared today, not comfortable talking to him alone, etc... WHY do you feel you need to give him another chance?

I'm all for a little pain to intensify an experience. But I think if the foreplay leaves bloody marks on your body after you repeatedly ask someone to stop, there's a very scary issue involved. In this case, I don't think a safe word would have helped.

I wouldn't play with him again. There is no excuse for injuring you without your consent. NONE. I don't care how lost in the heat of the moment he was.

Perhaps I'm overstepping just a wee bit, but I'll take that chance. You sound an awful lot like a date-rape victim who is trying to justify the bad guy's behavior.

Stay away from him.

 

[Weird Harold]

I had asked him last night as well as a bit ago on the phone if he was normally so sexually agressive, he did claim to be sometimes. Yet he still swears he didn't mean to harm me in any way.....
He was out of control last night and he admits this, which is good that he does admit it, and doesn't disagree.

I don't know how you can trust him to maintain control in future encounters sinc he's demonstrated that he doesn't know how to stay controlled.

I didn't see the pictures, so I don't know exactly how rough he got. From the descriptions, I would suggest that you never be alone with this person unless he's bound and gagged.

 

[riff]

Talk. Talk. Talk. And be HONEST.

If people don't talk honestly, there is no communication.