Series Completed - Would Love Feedback

[geovani772]

Hi,

I have just completed my first series, The Fallen Celestial, and I would appreciate any and all feedback.

The story is set in the very, very distant past and is about a soldier from another world who wakes up on earth.

If you're interested, please take a look. Below is a link to the first chapter of my series.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-fallen-celestial-ch-01

Thanks,
Geo

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I think you've done a very good job setting up the town and the desert as a setting, but not necessarily the people who live there. This could be a really great story about a non-human experiencing all kinds of sensual, human experiences for the first time with a little more detail on the intriguing bones of the plot you're setting up.

My biggest general plot question is this: Did he have wings before he fell? You're pretty coy about him saying he's not an angel (I'm hoping he's actually some sort of alien, for a twist) while relying on a lot of the angel tropes of white robes, flying, mystical swords, no reproduction, etc. If he flew without wings before, that's fine, but if he woke up in the middle of nowhere and his first thought was "Where's my sword?" not "Where are my goddamn *wings*?" then he's going to have a hard time of it on the cruel Earth.

He seems inconsistent as a character, which can work well for characterizing someone who's never dealt with conflicting emotions before, but you need to show more of him having problems with that. Being inconsistent is one of the most human things there is, but if you don't do some more explanation of his thought process, he comes off looking like a bit of a dick. He catches the thief (good) then promises her he's not going to tell her father about what happened because the punishment, which he thinks is fair (bad?), is for her to get her hands chopped off and he doesn't want that (good). Even though he didn't tell her he would take her with him, she clearly thinks he will. So, the first thing he does after returning the jar is tell her father (HANDS??) but, luckily, dad doesn't think it's a big deal. Lexington hates injustice and slavery (good) but doesn't immediately want to protect the girl who thinks he's going to deliver her from said slavery (bad, though you did the best job of showing his conflicting emotions there). He is disgusted by human fornication the one time the's seen it (good?) but doesn't have any problems putting it to Enama (bad?) who, we must remember, is doing this because she's convinced he's going to save her, even though he has no intentions of doing so (very, very bad).

There's a great story in here, but what you have down now is just the foundation. How does he know how to walk if he normally flies? How does he know how to tell time and direction on Earth? What does he look like? How does he know how to swallow water when he's rescued? How does he understand and communicate with humans? How does human food taste to him? How does he know so much about human behavior, even though he's never observed it closely enough to have seen sex before? What makes the women of Shantei so beautiful? How do his new emotions make him feel, physically, and how does he identify what they are vs. new physical sensations in his human body?

You need more of what I thought was the best moment in the whole story, which was the conversation between Lexington and Anila about knowing what you're supposed to do in life. I also think you soft-pedaled something that could have been really interesting about the town: their main industry seems to be prostitution. They're at the edge of a desert and have few craftsmen, but many travelers come there because of the beauty of the women? Yeah, they are basically a brothel with walls around it. He could have observed many interesting things about what humans do to each other sexually, either strengthening his resolve not to fornicate (making his surrender to Enama that much more interesting) or changing his mind on human pleasure to the point where it's natural for him to want to experience it with her when he gets the opportunity.

Lastly, out of all the names one could have picked for the legendary beauty who is enough to make even Celestials want to fornicate, I would not have chosen one that's so close, phonetically, to "enema."

I think you have good places to go with this story and there's a compelling mystery about what he's doing there, but you're short-changing the most interesting part by not describing more how he's adapting to being human.

 

[geovani772]

Thanks you very much for taking the time to provide me some feedback.

I think you've done a very good job setting up the town and the desert as a setting, but not necessarily the people who live there. This could be a really great story about a non-human experiencing all kinds of sensual, human experiences for the first time with a little more detail on the intriguing bones of the plot you're setting up.

You're absolutely right. I did brush over many details that I could have provided. I had a starting and ending idea, but I poorly planned the development.

My biggest general plot question is this: Did he have wings before he fell? You're pretty coy about him saying he's not an angel (I'm hoping he's actually some sort of alien, for a twist) while relying on a lot of the angel tropes of white robes, flying, mystical swords, no reproduction, etc. If he flew without wings before, that's fine, but if he woke up in the middle of nowhere and his first thought was "Where's my sword?" not "Where are my goddamn *wings*?" then he's going to have a hard time of it on the cruel Earth.

Again, you're right. I did fail to answer/follow-up with some details about him. Definitely something I will keep in mind while developing another story, if that happens.

He seems inconsistent as a character, which can work well for characterizing someone who's never dealt with conflicting emotions before, but you need to show more of him having problems with that. Being inconsistent is one of the most human things there is, but if you don't do some more explanation of his thought process, he comes off looking like a bit of a dick. He catches the thief (good) then promises her he's not going to tell her father about what happened because the punishment, which he thinks is fair (bad?), is for her to get her hands chopped off and he doesn't want that (good). Even though he didn't tell her he would take her with him, she clearly thinks he will. So, the first thing he does after returning the jar is tell her father (HANDS??) but, luckily, dad doesn't think it's a big deal. Lexington hates injustice and slavery (good) but doesn't immediately want to protect the girl who thinks he's going to deliver her from said slavery (bad, though you did the best job of showing his conflicting emotions there). He is disgusted by human fornication the one time the's seen it (good?) but doesn't have any problems putting it to Enama (bad?) who, we must remember, is doing this because she's convinced he's going to save her, even though he has no intentions of doing so (very, very bad).

Yes, he definitely is an inconsistent character. I did do on this purpose, but again, I felt as though I rushed through his transition as being an other worldly being to a human.

There's a great story in here, but what you have down now is just the foundation. How does he know how to walk if he normally flies? How does he know how to tell time and direction on Earth? What does he look like? How does he know how to swallow water when he's rescued? How does he understand and communicate with humans? How does human food taste to him? How does he know so much about human behavior, even though he's never observed it closely enough to have seen sex before? What makes the women of Shantei so beautiful? How do his new emotions make him feel, physically, and how does he identify what they are vs. new physical sensations in his human body?

You need more of what I thought was the best moment in the whole story, which was the conversation between Lexington and Anila about knowing what you're supposed to do in life. I also think you soft-pedaled something that could have been really interesting about the town: their main industry seems to be prostitution. They're at the edge of a desert and have few craftsmen, but many travelers come there because of the beauty of the women? Yeah, they are basically a brothel with walls around it. He could have observed many interesting things about what humans do to each other sexually, either strengthening his resolve not to fornicate (making his surrender to Enama that much more interesting) or changing his mind on human pleasure to the point where it's natural for him to want to experience it with her when he gets the opportunity.

Again, I know I should've explored and elaborated and particular details of the environment.

Lastly, out of all the names one could have picked for the legendary beauty who is enough to make even Celestials want to fornicate, I would not have chosen one that's so close, phonetically, to "enema."

Lol. I'll keep that in mind when coming up with names. Thank you again.

I think you have good places to go with this story and there's a compelling mystery about what he's doing there, but you're short-changing the most interesting part by not describing more how he's adapting to being human.

Thank you very much again. I realize now I should've had this critiqued long before I continued on with the series (a mistake I won't repeat), but I'll definitely keep in mind to explore the details of the environment and try not to soft-pedal too much through anything.

- Geo

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Geo -

You were really gracious in accepting constructive criticism, which means you'll grow and improve as a writer the more you write and the more feedback you get. Definitely keep writing - I'd love to see what you come up with when you work more on this story.

 

[Iceprincess12]

This seems to be a promising story, you have gotten some detalied feedback already so I'll just say the one thing that distracted me was mentioning his name over and over. It's ok to use he or just assume we know who you are talking about. For example

Enama lifted the blanket off Lexington and placed herself on his lap, pressing her hips onto his. Lexington never knew just how strong Enama was until he felt the firmness in the muscles of her legs. He enjoyed it. She reached under and slowly pulled Lexington's undergarment

You can leave off all 3 of the Lexingtons

Enama lifted the blanket off and placed herself on his lap, pressing her hips onto his. He never knew just how strong Enama was until he felt the firmness in the muscles of her legs. He enjoyed it. She reached under and slowly pulled off his undergarment

It still works without mentioning his name each time. Overall, it's an interesting story, I am hoping he doesn't stay human, going back to an angel would be fun!

 

[geovani772]

Geo -

You were really gracious in accepting constructive criticism, which means you'll grow and improve as a writer the more you write and the more feedback you get. Definitely keep writing - I'd love to see what you come up with when you work more on this story.

I absolutely hope so. I have no formal training and the criticism you had provided me is something I won't take for granted. Thanks again.

 

[geovani772]

This seems to be a promising story, you have gotten some detalied feedback already so I'll just say the one thing that distracted me was mentioning his name over and over. It's ok to use he or just assume we know who you are talking about. For example

Enama lifted the blanket off Lexington and placed herself on his lap, pressing her hips onto his. Lexington never knew just how strong Enama was until he felt the firmness in the muscles of her legs. He enjoyed it. She reached under and slowly pulled Lexington's undergarment

You can leave off all 3 of the Lexingtons

Enama lifted the blanket off and placed herself on his lap, pressing her hips onto his. He never knew just how strong Enama was until he felt the firmness in the muscles of her legs. He enjoyed it. She reached under and slowly pulled off his undergarment

It still works without mentioning his name each time. Overall, it's an interesting story, I am hoping he doesn't stay human, going back to an angel would be fun!

Thank you for pointing this out. I have been increasingly aware of my overuse of a character's name. I'll continue to work on this as I write more.