Seeking Help

[Lilacs]

I've written in the past. And I thought it might prove wise to seek help in advancing my word smithing abilities. The current story I'm working on is incomplete ... Let's just say I've stalled in my story development.

And if someone wanted to read what I've written with an eye toward comments on any subject from plot development to grammar to simply delete this and start over, I'd be appreciative.

The story is consensual. It flirts with an incestuous undertone between siblings, but it may never go beyond flirting or it may leave the end result ambiguous.

It begins,

The clock glows green on my white and yellow dresser—almost eleven. The witching hour fast approaches and my brother (if I dare go through with it) will soon pick me up. I run my hands through my hair, draw it tight, only to let it fall loosely over my shoulders. My fingers tremble —whether from excitement or fear, I cannot say—when I pluck first at one piece of black, lace lingerie before I move to another frothy bit of silk. What to wear to a party where you are the night's entertainment?

Just then, a staccato knock on my front door breaks my reverie. I step pantyless into a tight blue-black skirt that grips my ass like a lover's hand. The lace corset I wear squeezes at my white breasts, emphasizing their shape. I smile seductively as Cardo's fist pumps impatiently against the door. Slipping on a black cashmere sweater and stiletto heeled fuck me pumps, I go to let my brother in, thighs already dew damp with excitement.

As I open the door, I smile and pause to admire the slim height of my brother. He wears an athletic cut suit and his long lashed eyes mimic my own. “Cara,” he says as he leans to kiss my cheek and inhale my vanilla perfumed body. “You look totally fuckable.”

“Sweet words,” I reply leaning close to inhale his clove scented masculinity. My eyes burn and the heat that builds with my center sends a thousand sensations shooting through me.

Cardo pushes me away. Pulling a thin sheath of bills from his jacket, he counts them into my hand. “One thousand,” he says, “half in advance as promised.”


And I probably have another section as long written. But I'm sorely tempted to abandon it absent help from a kind mentor, aka, editor.

Lilacs

 

[halj]

I like what you have done with this. I am particularly fond of first person as it allows the reader a more intimate relationship with the character. You have also done a good job with the visuals and five senses- the trembling fingers, the scent of perfume and cologne, etc. Probably some overuse the word inhale, but those are small tweaks. We get a sense of the character attributes and there is sexual tension built from the first sentence. The promise of payment provides a element of mystery that will cause the reader to want to continue the story to satisfy their curiosity.

I hope you will continue the story and it will be interesting to see how it develops.

 

[nstygrl22]

I agree. I think it's a great start. Maybe a little too flowery/wordy (dew damp, frothy silk etc) especially if you are going to keep the dialogue simple (which is good). The suspense w/ the payment however keeps me interested. I can't wait to read what's next!

 

[Lilacs]

I thank you both for your kind words. I've tweaked the double use of inhale. I've also removed a bit of the flowery language. Although, I confess it's a weakness I'll have to fight vigorously. I'm an inveterate reader of romance novels of all persuasions.

The piece is now 899 words and up to this point, I'm fairly satisfied with the tension. I just have to figure out how to bring it forward.

Nearly 900 words it to long a piece to post here. Once I have another 900 words, I'll probably post the first section and see how it is received.

Lilacs

 

[wildehafer]

Its a good start with potential.

There is a bit of an odd mix of words in there. If find the use of the "flowery" and non-offensive descriptive text alongside "ass", "fuck", "fuckable", jarring in the context of how the scene is described.

I'd rip those words out and replace them with something less obvious. Get the tension built without them. Remeber this is a consensual incestuous flirtation.

Build it up slower. Delicate approach needed.

Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

I am of the opposite opinion to halj about first person narratives. When I am reading something, I like to identify with one of the characters, and first person forces me to identify with the speaker. In this case, as I am a male then identifying with a female is difficult. Again the character is young, and an old man finds it difficult to empathise.

In the matter of tenses, I suggest that you are narrating a story, not commentating on an event. The story has happened so you should use the past tense, while football commentators and the like use the present tense to describe events as they happen. It is possible to mix short passages of present tense into a past tense narrative to give a sense of urgency, but these should be well defined small groups of paragraphs.

I am not trying to be destructive here, as I think you write well, and the mixture of florid and crude terminology actually adds to the underlying tension (sorry wildehafer).

It is interesting that although we all have suggestions for better (in our opinions) ways of writing this, we all seem to agree that it is basically a good piece of work.

 

[Shwenn]

In the matter of tenses, I suggest that you are narrating a story, not commentating on an event. The story has happened so you should use the past tense, while football commentators and the like use the present tense to describe events as they happen. It is possible to mix short passages of present tense into a past tense narrative to give a sense of urgency, but these should be well defined small groups of paragraphs.

Tense is your choice, really. It's much easier to maintain one tense if you write in past tense.

You have mixed tenses once, here:
"Just then, a staccato knock on my front door breaks my reverie."

That is exactly the problem with writing present tense. You can't overtly manage chronology in present. To be totally correct, you would have to say, "Just now, a staccato..."

Sounds awkward, right? Because you don't think that way about things that are happening to you right at the moment they happen.

It just takes a little more care. Because we never tell stories in the present. Unless you are married to a blind person, I guess, all of your practice telling stories has been in past tense.

If you are going to tell a story in a tense you almost never tells stories in, you have to pay closer attention. Like the way you would if you wrote with your non-dominant hand.

 

[Lilacs]

There is a bit of an odd mix of words in there. If find the use of the "flowery" and non-offensive descriptive text alongside "ass", "fuck", "fuckable", jarring in the context of how the scene is described.

I'd rip those words out and replace them with something less obvious. Get the tension built without them. Remeber this is a consensual incestuous flirtation.

Build it up slower. Delicate approach needed.

I must think carefully about this point. If anything, I feel the need to tone down my tendency toward overly flowery language. Plus, in the past, I've used too many euphemisms for body parts and sexual acts. It's a balancing act. Your words tell me I need to keep trying to get it right.

I am of the opposite opinion to halj about first person narratives. When I am reading something, I like to identify with one of the characters, and first person forces me to identify with the speaker. In this case, as I am a male then identifying with a female is difficult. Again the character is young, and an old man finds it difficult to empathise.

In the matter of tenses, I suggest that you are narrating a story, not commentating on an event. The story has happened so you should use the past tense, while football commentators and the like use the present tense to describe events as they happen. It is possible to mix short passages of present tense into a past tense narrative to give a sense of urgency, but these should be well defined small groups of paragraphs.

I am not trying to be destructive here, as I think you write well, and the mixture of florid and crude terminology actually adds to the underlying tension (sorry wildehafer).

It is interesting that although we all have suggestions for better (in our opinions) ways of writing this, we all seem to agree that it is basically a good piece of work.

Snooper,

I'm almost positive I will re-write this in the third person. My initial efforts almost always stray into first person narrative. I'm not sure why. But it is hard to make first person work over a longer piece. So yes, I agree with your words. Luckily, I'm now only 900 words into the piece. I stopped writing in order to assimilate the comments made here.

Tense is your choice, really. It's much easier to maintain one tense if you write in past tense.

You have mixed tenses once, here:
"Just then, a staccato knock on my front door breaks my reverie."

That is exactly the problem with writing present tense. You can't overtly manage chronology in present. To be totally correct, you would have to say, "Just now, a staccato..."

Sounds awkward, right? Because you don't think that way about things that are happening to you right at the moment they happen.

It just takes a little more care. Because we never tell stories in the present. Unless you are married to a blind person, I guess, all of your practice telling stories has been in past tense.

If you are going to tell a story in a tense you almost never tells stories in, you have to pay closer attention. Like the way you would if you wrote with your non-dominant hand.

Thank you for the advice. I tend to be a bit loose with tenses and grammar. I'm working on it. I'm one of those people who dropped out of high school and then went back to night school. I'm now doing the college thing in between my family commitments. Tenses is definitely something I'm still learning to work with!

In closing, I want to really say what a great help this is to hear from all of you. I may not agree with every piece of advice. But it really helps to get another point of view. And at the very least, I feel encouraged to continue on with this story.

Lilacs