seeking feedback on my poetry

[llcooljay]

i am seeking feedback on my poetry, its a romantic erotic ode to my lover, any feedback is always gratefully recieved, positive or even not so. link

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=479312

i also appreciate any feeback on my lesbian short stories i have one published so far called 'HOT BLOOD' and another has been submitted called 'MORNING GLORY' these can be found in the lesbian section and any feedback is greatly recieved, many thanks for your time in reading this post gratefully llcooljay xxx

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Our kindred spirits,
Your soul akin to mine,
Brought together by fate,
Together for all time.

You try to please,
But not as much as I,
Such happy hello's,
And such sorry goodbyes.

I'd take you home,
If only i could fly,
I'd sail the seven seas,
And walk the sands of time.

Eternally emotional,
Infinite hearts entwined,
With silken threads of my being,
I bind you to be mine.

I bind you once to keep you,
Twice my ribbons wind,
Thrice i twist my silken thread,
then your mine to the end of the line.

My witchy wiles do not resist,
This i do not advise,
Surrender to my siren song,
to my seductive chime.

Give me your innocence,
I will keep it safe inside,
Lock it up inside my heart,
so sacred and divine.

Shes my kindred spirit,
Her soul bound to mine,
Brought together by fate,
I will love her for all time.

The first line that I've shown in bold has far more syllables than the rest and trips up the reader
The second one is very much a forced rhyme
If you are going to use rhymes or near rhymes, a different one in each stanza is easier on the ear than repeating over and over again

 

[champagne1982]

Hi Jamie, I think you should remove your name from the text that's posted with your submission. You're asking for a lot of whack-job contact if you leave it in there. To have it removed you can resubmit the poem with your name reference removed from the text and entitle the edited poem "affinity (edit)". Include a comment in the note field to the effect that you would appreciate the change happening as soon as possible.

After that you might want to correct your spelling and typo errors. You use lower case I and your instead of you're (you are). Take a look at the first stanza where you mention kindred and kin not even a full line apart. Try to find a way to show your readers the relationship without repeating the same root word.

This is a quick first impression response to your poem. It's a decent attempt and if you are happy with it and it serves your purpose, that's all that matters. If you'd like to improve as a poet, my ideas are yours to use or reject as you see fit. This is your writing and you have the ultimate say in how it is shown to the world.

 

[llcooljay]

Our kindred spirits,
Your soul akin to mine,
Brought together by fate,
Together for all time.

You try to please,
But not as much as I,
Such happy hello's,
And such sorry goodbyes.

I'd take you home,
If only i could fly,
I'd sail the seven seas,
And walk the sands of time.

Eternally emotional,
Infinite hearts entwined,
With silken threads of my being,
I bind you to be mine.

I bind you once to keep you,
Twice my ribbons wind,
Thrice i twist my silken thread,
then your mine to the end of the line.

My witchy wiles do not resist,
This i do not advise,
Surrender to my siren song,
to my seductive chime.

Give me your innocence,
I will keep it safe inside,
Lock it up inside my heart,
so sacred and divine.

Shes my kindred spirit,
Her soul bound to mine,
Brought together by fate,
I will love her for all time.

The first line that I've shown in bold has far more syllables than the rest and trips up the reader
The second one is very much a forced rhyme
If you are going to use rhymes or near rhymes, a different one in each stanza is easier on the ear than repeating over and over again

thankyou for your feedback, it is gratefully recieved, many thanks jay xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[llcooljay]

Hi Jamie, I think you should remove your name from the text that's posted with your submission. You're asking for a lot of whack-job contact if you leave it in there. To have it removed you can resubmit the poem with your name reference removed from the text and entitle the edited poem "affinity (edit)". Include a comment in the note field to the effect that you would appreciate the change happening as soon as possible.

After that you might want to correct your spelling and typo errors. You use lower case I and your instead of you're (you are). Take a look at the first stanza where you mention kindred and kin not even a full line apart. Try to find a way to show your readers the relationship without repeating the same root word.

This is a quick first impression response to your poem. It's a decent attempt and if you are happy with it and it serves your purpose, that's all that matters. If you'd like to improve as a poet, my ideas are yours to use or reject as you see fit. This is your writing and you have the ultimate say in how it is shown to the world.

many thanks, i am not sure what you mean by my name on the top i will look into this though thanks so very much for the advise, i know its not a very technically correct or perfect poem, i have many others i would like to submit but wanted to put this one out first to see what happens. As you can probably tell i am new to literotica and any feedback is gratefully recieved, be it positive or not so xx ps thanks for the heads up about whack jobs am going to look into it first thing in the morning as its far too late to be working out how i fix this issue. jay xx

 

[NeonSubtlety]

You seem confident in what you want to say. It looks like you've got the self-awareness that allows you to be bold in your writing. Nearly every stanza has a strong, singular message.

Two things, though:

1) as you grow, as a poet, you might find moving away from rhyme schemes and really tight rhythms to be beneficial. In some cases they can keep you from saying what you want to, exactly how you want to say it.

2) one of the most difficult and rewarding things you can do for your writing is to force yourself not to use cliches. a teacher of mine once said to me that if you're using a phrase in your writing that you've heard before, rewrite it. I can't stick to that...i still use cliches in my writing. But doing that will give you practice so you can learn how to move away from them. Things like "walking across the sands of time" and "fate will bring us together," they have so little meaning now...because they've been used so often. Just make sure that your lines retain "umph."

 

[llcooljay]

ahhhh thankyou this is something that i can discuss, this poem is a rarity for me, i do not normally write rhyming poetry, and find it quite difficult to do so. I do worry that my usual poems might be too 'non rhyming and non conventional' for public consumption, i am starting to think i should post some of them for public perusal and see what reaction i get. thankyou so much for your feedback, i like to see others ideas and views on poetry once again many thanks jay x

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You could try posting some on this forum and asking for feedback best of luck anyway