Seeking feedback on a new sci-fi story

[BetterFutures]

Hey everyone, I've just posted the first two chapters of a new story I'm writing and since I'm brand new to writing erotica I was hoping to get some feedback!

Chapter 1 is here https://www.literotica.com/s/jackson-kez-space-diplomat-ch-01 and is pretty short

Chapter 2 is longer and here https://www.literotica.com/s/jackson-kez-space-diplomat-ch-02

I'm open to any feedback, both about the concept and the writing itself. Thank you for taking the time to check this out, I really appreciate it!

 

[AlinaX]

So... I read the first one. Clearly you're not new to writing, and the AI dialogue is fun and flirty. It's not an erotic story, though it hints towards it.

You deviate from the flirty stuff into a bit of an info dump, and try to finesse it by having the main character as bored with it as the reader ends up being, but I think that is a mistake. Wait till you're planetside and weave it into the story at a more relevant point.

And a last-minute reference to mating pits... is what? A teaser for the next chapter?

None of it is bad - apart from the AI setting off without permission - but maybe think about story structure.

 

[Nouh_Bdee]

I read both chapters, and I really enjoyed them. Your banter between Vera and Jackson was really good, although I wasn't surprised after reading his conversations with Ace. I think Alina is right that it would be better without so much exposition, especially because setting the table so quickly and efficiently leaves out a lot of opportunity for smaller moments of worldbuilding and character development. It makes it seem like things are moving too fast, even when not much is happening. The sela were interesting, and you provided very compelling justification for making their mannerisms very human. I can't wait to see what the rhorak are like.

I'll keep an eye out for further chapters. Thanks for sharing!

 

[yibala2]

I gave ch. 2 five stars

I didn't expect to read through both chapters, but it was engaging enough for me to want to. This doesn't seem like first-time erotica at all. The sex scene is sensual, unrushed and descriptive on an emotional level. I don't think you need the disclaimers explaining a lack of sex in Chapter 1 or the beginning of Chapter 2. Pace the sex as you feel comfortable. You will attract readers who appreciate that pace.

I didn't feel like either chapter was exposition-heavy. I think you weaved the necessary exposition in well with dialogue and action, and it never pulled me out of the story. There was also a reason for it, as Jackson's final briefing and his means of getting acquainted with Ace and Vera.

I also liked the wittiness of the dialogue, particularly in Chapter 1 between Ace and Jackson.

Chapter 1, I felt, needed more description and physicality. I found it hard to picture the scene, as once the dialogue began there was little description of the setting or Jackson. Actions tagged to the dialogue would have helped, I think, just to ground me in scene, even if you want that scene to be dialogue-heavy. Once Jackson gets off the ship, this ceases to be a problem. So it feels like a shift in style.

From a speculative fiction angle, you have deeply thought through your aliens, and I think that is what kept me reading most of all. I wanted to know what a gelatinous species might be like. I found it all very satisfying - especially their polymorphic upbringing and how they understand gender identity - until the sex scene. While that scene worked on an erotica level, it was disappointing on a science fiction level.

Vera has human shape, but doesn't have similar sensory organs or reproduce like humans. Which made me wonder why she would receive sexual pleasure or come to orgasm in a human way (or eat with her mouth, but that could just be manners). In a lot of sci-fi erotica, I would expect aliens to be anthropomorphized sexually, but you've raised the bar here. This is an opportunity to speculate on truly alien sex, especially at Literotica, where it isn't unusual to have sex scenes with all manner of non-human creatures.

There could be all sorts of explanations - Vera could be different beneath the surface from other Sela or she could be acting for Jackson's benefit. If Jackson is partial to the Sela in the negotiations, it could certainly work to her advantage.

Hope this is helpful!

-Yib

 

[BetterFutures]

You deviate from the flirty stuff into a bit of an info dump, and try to finesse it by having the main character as bored with it as the reader ends up being, but I think that is a mistake. Wait till you're planetside and weave it into the story at a more relevant point.

This is helpful feedback, thank you. I think you're right and the story would be strong if it started essentially at time of landing. This is a classic case of getting too attached to the opening scene I wrote and not being willing to shelve it, and a good reminder that I should find an editor who can suggest these sorts of things. I appreciate your input!

I read both chapters, and I really enjoyed them. Your banter between Vera and Jackson was really good, although I wasn't surprised after reading his conversations with Ace. I think Alina is right that it would be better without so much exposition, especially because setting the table so quickly and efficiently leaves out a lot of opportunity for smaller moments of worldbuilding and character development. It makes it seem like things are moving too fast, even when not much is happening. The sela were interesting, and you provided very compelling justification for making their mannerisms very human. I can't wait to see what the rhorak are like.

I'll keep an eye out for further chapters. Thanks for sharing!

Hm, I hadn't considered that it might make the story rushed but I can definitely see that. I was worried about the reader being lost, but it sounds like in worrying about that I've missed some opportunities for mystery and curiosity. Thanks for your feedback!

Chapter 1, I felt, needed more description and physicality. I found it hard to picture the scene, as once the dialogue began there was little description of the setting or Jackson. Actions tagged to the dialogue would have helped, I think, just to ground me in scene, even if you want that scene to be dialogue-heavy. Once Jackson gets off the ship, this ceases to be a problem. So it feels like a shift in style.

Thank you for this incredibly detailed response, I'll try to get to everything individually. First, this is a very valid criticism! Scene descriptions are a real weakness of mine as a writer and I'm glad to hear it improved as the story went on. This is a good reminder for me to keep forcing myself to describe things and set scenes better.

From a speculative fiction angle, you have deeply thought through your aliens, and I think that is what kept me reading most of all. I wanted to know what a gelatinous species might be like. I found it all very satisfying - especially their polymorphic upbringing and how they understand gender identity - until the sex scene. While that scene worked on an erotica level, it was disappointing on a science fiction level.

Your feedback on the sex scene in particular is very appreciated, and you're asking a lot of great questions! This is definitely getting explored in chapter 3 and beyond. What I have planned for Vera's character arc is that while she has a serious thing for humans, she feels like she has to act as human as possible to be accepted by them. So she was definitely playing human in that scene for Jackson's benefit, but also because she's scared that if she goes full-Sela with a human in bed, they're going to run screaming in the other direction. As her relationship with Jackson develops and she starts to trust him more, there will be opportunities for her to open up and explore the possibilities.

As far as how Sela experience pleasure, I'm honestly still deciding the details, but what I have in mind at the moment is that it's a combination of them having a high degree of physical empathy (drawing pleasure from their partner's pleasure) and responding to intense impacts and sensations, which is why she wanted Jackson to be so rough. In Vera's case in particular, because she has trouble expressing her needs, she is mostly focused on making sure her partner is having a good time, so there will definitely be a deeper dive into what gives a Sela pleasure in future chapters.

Thank you so much for the detailed feedback, Yib! Responding to it here really helped me crystalize a few ideas I'd been tossing around and I've gotten some great notes out of it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

As far as how Sela experience pleasure, I'm honestly still deciding the details, but what I have in mind at the moment is that it's a combination of them having a high degree of physical empathy (drawing pleasure from their partner's pleasure) and responding to intense impacts and sensations, which is why she wanted Jackson to be so rough. In Vera's case in particular, because she has trouble expressing her needs, she is mostly focused on making sure her partner is having a good time, so there will definitely be a deeper dive into what gives a Sela pleasure in future chapters.

You mention that they taste anything they touch. Surely that has consequences for this?