Seeking feedback - Always Home (sibling incest story)

[Dkling]

Hi everyone,

I submitted this story to Literotica a few months back and I'm curious to find out what other people might think about it. It's a six-chapter story about brother-sister incest (obviously), so if your tastes don't lie that way, please feel free to ignore this thread.

I consider the story to be finished, so I'm not asking for specific advice on how the story could be changed or edited. I'd just like to hear some opinions about it (positive or negative). =)

Anyway, here it is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1183098&page=submissions

 

[Erotic_minded]

Amazing story. I really enjoyed it quite a bit.

Thanks for writing it

 

[ShyChiWriter]

Hi everyone,

I consider the story to be finished, so I'm not asking for feedback on how the story could be improved or rewritten. I'd just like to know what people think of it. =)

Hi Dkling,

Your request is slightly hedged - the title of the thread is 'seeking feedback', but in your post you kind of intimate you don't want any constructive criticism, which for me is sort of inherent within our contemporary definition of the word 'feedback'.

So, I'll just couch any thoughts I had in terms of how I felt as I experienced it.

THOUGHTS

You are a really good writer. I hope you know that. You have a wonderful command of the language and used the many tools at your disposal to build a very tangible atmosphere.

Talking about the atmosphere, it took me just a bit to place the environment. Idiomatically, I was fairly sure I was in the UK, but I was specifically thrown off by 7-11. I know there used to be some there and perhaps there still are. 7-11 is very American to me, Tesco or something like that wouldn't have misdirected me.

I liked reading a well-written story that had incest as an element. You constructed the atmosphere, relationships and dependencies in a terrific way that made the incest organic to the tale. You also established and sustained the conflicted nature of falling in love with a sibling.

Marnie kind of snuck up on me. As well written as this tale was, I certainly wasn't expecting: "Elsa was 28 with 34c tits, Marnie was our 17 year-old sister with the body of an athlete... etc." but the younger sister kind of seemed like an afterthought when she appeared (though she certainly added a great dynamic to the tale).

I thought the sex descriptions were really good and even though the language was a bit raw compared to the gentler narrative, it still really worked for me.

I saw some of the reader comments on the final chapter. Since you're not interested in revisiting this (which I fully respect), I'd recommend you still pay some mind to the anger vented in those comments for future writing. I think the root of the readers' frustration was not that you didn't finish the story, but that you didn't provide a resolution (or non-resolution) that was consistent with the path the narrative was taking.

Overall, I think it was a terrific effort and very worth reading.

Best of luck to you in your future writing either here or in other venues.

 

[Dkling]

Thank you for the feedback, both of you. =)

Your request is slightly hedged - the title of the thread is 'seeking feedback', but in your post you kind of intimate you don't want any constructive criticism, which for me is sort of inherent within our contemporary definition of the word 'feedback'.

Well, I'm willing to accept criticism - I didn't mean to imply I only wanted positive feedback. And criticism does include suggestions on how the story could be rewritten, so I'll take back the part about that. I just wanted to make it clear from the start that I wasn't planning on editing or rewriting this story.

Talking about the atmosphere, it took me just a bit to place the environment. Idiomatically, I was fairly sure I was in the UK, but I was specifically thrown off by 7-11. I know there used to be some there and perhaps there still are. 7-11 is very American to me, Tesco or something like that wouldn't have misdirected me.

Actually, it's set in Australia, where I'm from. =)

Marnie kind of snuck up on me. As well written as this tale was, I certainly wasn't expecting: "Elsa was 28 with 34c tits, Marnie was our 17 year-old sister with the body of an athlete... etc." but the younger sister kind of seemed like an afterthought when she appeared (though she certainly added a great dynamic to the tale).

Marnie didn't have a lot to do in the earlier chapters (or even the later chapters, really), but her presence definitely changed the way that Gerald and Elsa's relationship unfolded. What exactly did you mean about her sneaking up on you?

Since you're not interested in revisiting this (which I fully respect), I'd recommend you still pay some mind to the anger vented in those comments for future writing.

I agree. I wrote the story for myself several years ago, and so when I came to the ending, I gave it as much closure as I myself was content with (ie very little). And so, when I took the plunge to submit it here, I wasn't anticipating the controversy that the ending would cause with some readers. With other stories, I would definitely try to make the ending a little more conclusive.

I think the root of the readers' frustration was not that you didn't finish the story, but that you didn't provide a resolution (or non-resolution) that was consistent with the path the narrative was taking.

That's interesting. What path do you think the narrative was taking? What do you think the readers might have been expecting? I admit I'm curious about what sort of ending some of those commenters might have found more satisfying - or was it that they just wanted the story to keep going?

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and comprehensive feedback, ShiChiWriter. It's much appreciated.

 

[ShyChiWriter]

Thank you for the feedback, both of you. =)

Marnie didn't have a lot to do in the earlier chapters (or even the later chapters, really), but her presence definitely changed the way that Gerald and Elsa's relationship unfolded. What exactly did you mean about her sneaking up on you?

With Marnie, I didn't know she existed until they moved into the house. Ger's intro established that he and Elsa were there, but it wasn't until the next 'movement' that we knew of Marnie. I know it is directly after the section break with, but since that first section was your establishing shot, prose-wise, just a one-word or one-phrase mention of her would've helped.

That's interesting. What path do you think the narrative was taking? What do you think the readers might have been expecting? I admit I'm curious about what sort of ending some of those commenters might have found more satisfying - or was it that they just wanted the story to keep going?

I believe a lot in titles and the way they can serve as signposts. I think this specific title is certainly a leading one. The word 'always' has fairly romantic connotations, so that could have been part of it for some folks; she will always be home for him; as long as they have each other, they'll always have a home. In many ways it is certainly a well-suited ambiguous title, but in others might have served as a promise of a more conclusive ending since always is a definitive word.

For the romantics - following through on the move to France, I suppose would have satisfied them more - allowing your two lovers to land somewhere else and live happily ever after. I think that, or a fast-forward to five years in the future. Have us learn that they burned out or were caught and now Ger is getting married - yet in the front row he sees his sister and knows that she'll always be the only true love of his life... blah, blah, blah.

I, for one, was perfectly happy with the ending because in reality, Ger and Elsa have no assurances this will last, so a hint at hope and forever is the best they can wish for.

Again, well done, it was a pleasure to read.

 

[Dkling]

With Marnie, I didn't know she existed until they moved into the house. Ger's intro established that he and Elsa were there, but it wasn't until the next 'movement' that we knew of Marnie. I know it is directly after the section break with, but since that first section was your establishing shot, prose-wise, just a one-word or one-phrase mention of her would've helped.

Well, actually, they did mention Marnie in the first section. She wasn't actually there, but they discussed her possible reaction to the news that they were being kicked out of their house. But I know what you mean. She wasn't actually a character, as such, until they actually moved into their new home.

The word 'always' has fairly romantic connotations, so that could have been part of it for some folks; she will always be home for him; as long as they have each other, they'll always have a home. In many ways it is certainly a well-suited ambiguous title, but in others might have served as a promise of a more conclusive ending since always is a definitive word.

Ah yes, I see your point. I hadn't thought about it that way. I definitely intended the romantic connotations, and the fact that they would always be emotionally connected, but I didn't intend for the title to suggest that the story would end with an 'ever after' (either 'happily' or 'unhappily') for the two of them.

For the romantics - following through on the move to France, I suppose would have satisfied them more - allowing your two lovers to land somewhere else and live happily ever after. I think that, or a fast-forward to five years in the future. Have us learn that they burned out or were caught and now Ger is getting married - yet in the front row he sees his sister and knows that she'll always be the only true love of his life... blah, blah, blah.

Yes, I see what you mean. Something conclusive, something 'final', stating where they ended up.

I, for one, was perfectly happy with the ending because in reality, Ger and Elsa have no assurances this will last, so a hint at hope and forever is the best they can wish for.

That's pretty much what I intended, so I'm happy that you and others have viewed the ending in that light. I think Ger states it pretty clearly in chapter 5: "Don't promise me forever; just promise me now". At the end of the story, Gerald and Elsa have decided that they're going to pursue this course wherever it leads them. I just didn't tell the audience whether they end up staying together or splitting up.

Thanks again for sharing your views. It's been very illuminating. =)