Seeking constructive feedback

[BeachGurl2]

I've posted 3 stories so far to lit and they've been relatively well received. These are my first attempts at erotica. Most of my feedback has come from friends, though, and I'd like to get some feedback from others. Would love to hear what anyone has to say, good or bad, so that I can become better at this writing thing. One is in erotic couplings and the other 2 are BDSM, although what little BDSM is there is pretty light. I appreciate any comments!


http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=577213&page=submissions

 

[kbate]

A Wife's Submission

On a quick read, I found only one punctuation error. The writing is good if uninspired. Many cliche' erotica terms; grasped, thrust, aching, clenching.

I have some trouble with the first/third person narrative. The story is written as if she is speaking to him, yet the actions are not written as such. Perhaps if it was in past rather than present tense I would not find it as annoying.

The story is good, the sex fine and the characters although not completely developed beyond the sexual, are fine.
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The Meeting

The italics, it appears that the code has broken at some point and the intentional italics are lost. You may need to resubmit with new formatting to correct this.

Too many sentences begin with "As."

"We should get out of here before I embarrass us both," --- delete both (redundant)

"he said with a slow grin," ---- what is a slow grin (unnecessary word)
Her mouth dropped open as they walked into the suite he had arranged. ----- extra words.

This story is better than the previous, the character was better, although I thought he did a bit too much "grunting of his words" and grasping of her body.

-----------------

Waking Up

I like the story, I found no major problems that I need to "bitch" about. I have the same problem with stories told in this manner that I described above. First/third person difficulties.

As I come down, you gently kiss me, nibbling my lips. My hands run through your hair, holding your head, as I deepen the kiss, tongues thrusting, our muffled moans filling each others mouth. I feel you inside me, stretching me, filling me, getting harder, thicker, as your orgasm builds. Your hips slam into mine with long hard thrusts, pushing me deep into the mattress.

I simply have more trouble enjoying this kind of narrative than I would if the entire story were told in third person, or in first person.

If she is relating the story to him (as written), the verb tense should be past tense.. (as I came down, you gently kissed me) If she is relating the story to the reader... the pronouns should be --- (as I came down he gently kissed me...) or (as I come down, he gently kisses me, nibbling...)

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I think I might read more of your stories, should you submit them; they are interesting and the action is pretty well done.

Waking Up is the best of the three, the most original and contains the best action.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Thank you so much for your comments. I agree that the first/third person and present tense aren't working the way I wanted them to. I didn't want to name characters to make it seem more personal to the reader, but have come to realize that may not be working as well, either. And the sentence structure - using "as" too much - is something I'm also working on in my next story.

I am not a new writer, but I am new to writing erotica - my degree is in English. Your comments were very helpful to me. I appreciate you taking the time to read and then also respond. Thank you!

A Wife's Submission

On a quick read, I found only one punctuation error. The writing is good if uninspired. Many cliche' erotica terms; grasped, thrust, aching, clenching.

I have some trouble with the first/third person narrative. The story is written as if she is speaking to him, yet the actions are not written as such. Perhaps if it was in past rather than present tense I would not find it as annoying.

The story is good, the sex fine and the characters although not completely developed beyond the sexual, are fine.
----------------

The Meeting

The italics, it appears that the code has broken at some point and the intentional italics are lost. You may need to resubmit with new formatting to correct this.

Too many sentences begin with "As."

"We should get out of here before I embarrass us both," --- delete both (redundant)

"he said with a slow grin," ---- what is a slow grin (unnecessary word)
Her mouth dropped open as they walked into the suite he had arranged. ----- extra words.

This story is better than the previous, the character was better, although I thought he did a bit too much "grunting of his words" and grasping of her body.

-----------------

Waking Up

I like the story, I found no major problems that I need to "bitch" about. I have the same problem with stories told in this manner that I described above. First/third person difficulties.

As I come down, you gently kiss me, nibbling my lips. My hands run through your hair, holding your head, as I deepen the kiss, tongues thrusting, our muffled moans filling each others mouth. I feel you inside me, stretching me, filling me, getting harder, thicker, as your orgasm builds. Your hips slam into mine with long hard thrusts, pushing me deep into the mattress.

I simply have more trouble enjoying this kind of narrative than I would if the entire story were told in third person, or in first person.

If she is relating the story to him (as written), the verb tense should be past tense.. (as I came down, you gently kissed me) If she is relating the story to the reader... the pronouns should be --- (as I came down he gently kissed me...) or (as I come down, he gently kisses me, nibbling...)

------

I think I might read more of your stories, should you submit them; they are interesting and the action is pretty well done.

Waking Up is the best of the three, the most original and contains the best action.