Seeking comments for a tale

[vinceboard]

Hi everyone,

I'm rather new to Lit, and I've got a few scenes from my first story drafted. It's about a crumbling empire, and a young woman who's trying to keep it all together as her father's power slowly slips away. Lots of politics and sex, of course.

I don't know whether to post what I have directly on here, so reply back or PM me and I will send you what I have.

I'm essentially seeking advice on where to take the story next.

 

[vinceboard]

Okay I think I'll just post the first part of it on here. The characters relationships are explained as the other parts progress, but for this scene, Sophie is the Princess and Anna is her maid:


Sophie remained upset. With the tensions rising between her father and the Silesia tribe, no one paid any attention to her. There was always something more important to discuss these days.

"It's not fair Anna," she said softly. "It's just not fair anymore...," her voice trailing off as she lowered her head down, raising her flowing brown hair up to let Anna unbutton the back of her dress, the buttons locked in by a thick layer of embroidered thread.

"Yes, my young maiden, I know it's not fair, but you have to underst-"

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THOSE TRIBESPEOPLE!" yelled Sophie as she whipped herself around to glare at sweet Anna. Lowering her gaze, she quickly went back to unbuttoning the dress, keeping her thoughts silent this time. With each button slipping through the slit, Sophie began breathing deeper now, letting her body relax. What saddened her most was that even when she put a great effort to dressing well, such as today, the guardsmen didn't notice her. They were always after her, whistling and pinching and winking as she'd walk by. Yet today, despite her plunging neckline and her fragrant perfume, she received no such attention.

"Let me be, Anna, please" whispered Sophie, raising her hand to the quiet chambermaid in dismissal.


Sophie continued to undress by herself under the flickering candlelight, first stepping out of that coarse dress, then releasing the grip of her corset. Her eyes kept glancing into the mirror, wondering if she had changed, but her eyes were still a radiant green, her skin a pale fresh softness, and her breasts as supple as ever.

Perhaps she just needed a long walk to clear her mind. In a quick whiff, she extinguished the candle and grabbed her thin sheer coat. She couldn't bare being in this stifling room for a moment longer. Sliding on her damp slippers and donning the coat, Sophie quietly left her chambers. The fire-lit walls of the castle casts deep shadows over her body as she moved down the stairs, guiding herself towards the kitchens - those back doors were always open to the gardens.

As she made the last turn into the barren kitchen, so could already smell the fresh grass from outside, the far door swinging lightly in the cool breeze. Taking a deep breath, she made her way to the exit, hoping to not get caught at this hour. But as she passed the closets along the hallways, something suddenly caught her eye. Sophie peeped through the ajar door, her green eyes widening as she adjusted to the dimness. Her teeth clenched uncontrollable, getting visibly enraged now. Inside was the filthy cook, her skirt hiked up around her waist, getting a slow yet sensual pounding from a uniformed guard. Her hair was matted to her face from sweat, her body arched upwards with each penetration, and her moans almost silent.

"It's not fair..." seethed Sophie again. If that filthy cook can catch the attention of a guard, why can't I? Her cheeks were flush now from frustration, and she quickly turned away, catching a last glimpse of that hard wet cock making its way back into the cook's pussy.

The outdoor air was refreshing, and the damp grass wet her feet through the leather slippers.The moon light poured over her figure, accenting her shapely bare legs and her young ass swaying as she walked. Around the garden she roamed, thinking about her desires and dreams, though all supressed nowadays. But every other moment, her mind would wander back to the cook in the closet, getting reamed by that strong guard. Her breath whimpered a little as she wished it was her getting all that attention. It had been months since she let guards on her, and her cravings were beginning to rise again.

Sophie quickened her pace and turned towards the gravel lot where the carriages were parked. Her neck was heating up from thinking about sex, and she could feel her pussy begin to dampen up. Each step forward just smeared those juices around even more, wetting her outer lips. Sophie paused to make sure no one was around, and with a quick pull, opened the door to the first carriage parked on the lot. It was dark and damp inside, the air thick and musky from the leather seats. Sophie, however, could care less about that now.

Her chest was now turning a blushed shade, and as she opened up her legs slightly, she knew she had to give herself the attention she deserved. Her legs spread open wider, peeling apart those sticky pussy lips, the flimsy white cloth of her panties gently rubbing against the sensitive lips. Sophie reached down for a little feel, pressing her fingers against the length of her pussy, letting the cloth soak up the juice as she shuddered from the sensation. Her fingers curled up and scratched at her slit against her panty. Her chipped fingernails, from a childish nail-biting habit, grazed the edges of her lips and inched towards her aching clit, teasing herself with a slight smile on her face. The thick air made her breath heavily, and her brow speckled with sweat from the dampness.

Sophie looked out the window briefly to ensure she was alone. She kicked off her wet slippers and hooked her thumbs onto her panties, sliding them down her legs and onto the floor. Her young shapely ass sat back down on the cold leather seat, sticking firmly to it and squeaking as she spread open her legs again. Running her hand down her stomach and through the peach fuzz atop her pussy, her fingers finally settled on her pussy. Her middle two fingers latched onto her clit and began circling around, slowly at first to ease her aching pussy back to live. The juices emerged quickly, wetting her fingertips as she caressed her pussy, pressing in harder around her clit with each circle. Every now and then she let out a yelp, a yearning for more. Working on her pussy, Sophie arched her neck back, resting her head on the backboard, her mouth gaping wide open as her toes curled. Each little circle around her growing hard clit got better and better, working up her teenage pussy into a wet hot cunt.

"Oh lord..." whimpered Sophie, "oh my lord..." her knees buckling and kicking as the around her pussy quickened. Her other hand reach for her left breast, cupping the lower half and feeling it's light weight in her palm. Her pink nipple hardened through her top, poking through her flimsy coat, the color of her nipple deepening to reflect the pinkness of her pussy. Her fingers slid down her pussy now along the groove, inching her middle finger right into her tight hole. Her whole body tensed up as she penetrated herself, working that finger into her slowly, the juices really not helping the burn. Her moans filled the carriage as she slid her finger out and back in again, forcing knuckle after knuckle into her tight pussy. But she couldn't bare it any longer, and pulled out of her pussy only to resume back on her clit. Round and around her fingers worked as she clawed at her breast, gripping it and scratching her nipple through the clothes.

Her mind whirred to the last time she got fucked by the guards, how he forced her against to the floor and pounded her from behind. Sophie's pussy gushed from the thought, and her fingers worked even faster on her clit now. She could feel her tight walls being stretched apart by that thick cock, reaming in and out of her teen pussy as he pulled her hair. "Oh god oh dear fucking god," she moaned loudly, her hand working so fast that hte carriage creaked under her weight.

Within moments, Sophie's body went tense, her toes curling up and her thighs rigid. That juicy pussy tightened up and then began to spew, juices pouring out as she came, her stomach clenching tight with each wave of sheer bliss. The sweat on her forehead trailed across her cheek, and she bit her lower lip so hard she could taste the sweet blood on her tongue. Her burning pussy finally cooled down, and with her heart racing from her dangerous stunt, SOphie quickly slid her panties back on and adjusted herself. The door to the carriage swung close as she left, leaving behind a thicker scent of her pussy in the damp compartment.

 

[CWatson]

Here's your main problem so far: your story is only five paragraphs long. Conveniently, you have a section break after the story ends, separating the actual narrative--the plot and characters and stuff--from all that filler stuff about sex. And, with only five paragraphs written, of course you have no idea where else to take this story.

So what you really need to do is flesh out those five paragraphs. Write more there. Make them ten. Make them fifteen. Then you'll have a seed that can grow.

Sophie is obviously the crux of it, but you haven't set up enough of her for her to have an arc. So she wants attention--fine. Sounds like a spoiled brat to me, but hey, princesses have been that before; kings too. But so what? Why should I care about your princess when there are other princesses out there awaiting my attention, princesses who have more depth and more realization? (Heck, I wrote one myself.) I want to know more about Sophie. Why is she an attention whore? What does she plan to do in order to get more attention? And why (for that matter) would she let some random guardsmen plow her up one side and down the other?--when her maidenhead is one of the few things she owns of any value. Sophie is a princess: her pussy isn't hers. It doesn't belong to her. It belongs to her father, to sell in marriage to some high lord or rival king he needs to bribe. And it belongs to the man she's sold to, her (eventual) husband, so that he can make children with it. She's not allowed to use her pussy as she sees fit; that would've been one of the first things she was taught. And raises a last question: if Sophie's being such an idiot about one of the few things she owns of any value, how the hell is she ever going to hold a kingdom together? She can't even manage herself, much less a country.

Now, all these are interesting questions, and there is the shadow of an interesting character going on. But that's all there is: a shadow. You need to flesh her out more, a lot more.

That's what I've got.

(Lastly: panties? That word didn't exist in the time of corsets. They were probably called 'smallclothes' or 'underclothes'. For that matter, kingdoms didn't exist in the time of corsets; those were an invention of the Victorian era, by which time the Age of Kings was long gone. Some new-fangled thing called "democracy" was beginning to hold sway instead, pioneered by some scruffy backwater former colonists who called themselves Americans.)

 

[NaughtyTiffany]

I really enjoy this story. It is very detailed and really paints the picture and visuals of all the characters.

 

[vinceboard]

Hi CWatson,

Thanks for the comments - a lot of good pointers in there. Now what I posted on here was my introductory section; there are 4 other sections that I've already written, each with similar length. Do you want me to post those on here too?

I can already see a problem though, that you will immediately notice. Each section that I've written so far has used some sexual exploit to introduce another character, and to detail their background as it relates to Sophie. I suppose I'll need to think about architecture of the story before writing each section. Also, thanks for the suggestion about Sophie not being able to see her pussy the way she wants - that adds a rather interesting element to this story.

What do you think about the writing style, albeit the historical errors? If I maintain this style, is that okay? If not, I'll need to consider another approach.

 

[vinceboard]

I really enjoy this story. It is very detailed and really paints the picture and visuals of all the characters.

Thanks NaughtyTiffany, let me know if you want to read the other sections, even though they aren't all part of a cohesive story yet.

 

[CWatson]

Well, the ultimate issue lies in the ratio you want to achieve: how much sex is in the story vs. how much plot is in the story. Obviously, that's totally up to you; you can have a "stroke story" that's 100% sex, or a story with more plot focus and thousands of words passing without a single tit-grab (I do these all the time). Either way works. But you need to decide, and my confusion stemmed from from the fact that you were asking plot questions about a story that was 90% sex. (I would also suggest avoiding a 90%-sex ratio, because if you want to have a meaningful plot and then 9 times that much sex, well, it's gonna take you a while to write. ;D)

I have a different perspective on it, possibly because I'm a virgin (*gasp!*) and every sex scene I've ever written is a pure exercise in imagination. Well, that and regurgitation. I figured out quickly enough that readers on Literotica want certain things to happen in their sex scenes, and that if I parroted that stuff, nobody would notice that I was parroting it, that I was faking it harder than most women fake their orgasms. Guess what? It's worked. But what that taught me about writing is that every sex scene is interchangeable, by and large, with every other scene on the site. Because most of them don't add to character development--they're not about the characters, they're about the sex. (Of course; we are an erotica site, where the objective is to tittilate, arouse, etc. Fair enough. I'm just sating it isn't doing the literature side of 'Literotica' any good.)

Now, having said that, there is no reason you can't use sexual activities to introduce a character. You just need to make sure you really do introduce the character, and say everything that needs to be said about them without being distracted by cocks, pussies and intersections thereof. That was the problem you had with Sophie.

As to the writing style, I don't see why it's problematic, or why it should be. There's an expectation when writing fantasy or historical fantasy that characters should speak in a Biblical or Tolkienesque fashion. This is pure bullshit and can be safely ignored. Just look at George R. R. Martin and his Knights Who Say 'Fuck'.

The one thing you'd need to be careful of are the anachronisms. "A Song of Ice and Fire" takes place in a different reality than ours, where presumably Germany never existed. This means that German loanwords shouldn't really exist in their "English" language... and "Fuck" is a German loanword, so Martin's knights shouldn't be saying it because how could they have gotten it? Did the Andals bring that across the narrow sea from too? (Other foreign examples Martin uses include "mélée" and "sortie", both French. Of course, it's a medieval fantasy, and the Age of Chivalry took a lot of influence from France--even the word "chivalry" derives from the French "chevalier", which means "knight". So I guess French-influenced terms are kind of impossible when you're writing about feudalism.) And he's definitely not careless enough to have his characters put on panties.

Try to avoid the relatively modern terms; decide roughly what time period your story is taking place in, and do the research if necessary on when a word or object started to be used. (Martin doesn't use "pussy", for instance, which is the right choice--it came from Germany too, via "puse" which means 'purse' and is also a slang word for ladyprivates... but it came over in something like the 1800s.) That won't take much from your vocabulary, trust me, especially if you set anything after Shakespeare. The man invented more words than any other individual before or since, and about half of them were innuendo. ("Do you speak now of country matters?") And then... just write well. You're clearly capable of it. If you weave your spell correctly, nobody will notice that your characters are using slang that's 200 years younger than them... and the few who do notice, won't care because they'll be having too much fun reading.

 

[Mrtouf]

Paragraphs 7 and 14 -

'She couldn't bare being in this stifling room for a moment longer.'
'But she couldn't bare it any longer,'

bare should be bear

Just flagging those up 'cause your spell checker probably missed them.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

(Martin doesn't use "pussy", for instance, which is the right choice--it came from Germany too, via "puse" which means 'purse' and is also a slang word for ladyprivates... but it came over in something like the 1800s.)

Can I threadjack for a sec to question your etymology? The old German ‘pus’, ‘puskatte’ gave rise to pussycat (still ‘poes’ in Dutch), but isn’t the vulva ‘pussy’ from Irish, ‘pus, pusa’, meaning pouting lips or mouth, brought across the pond by Irish settlers.

Terms like ‘a smack in the puss’ and ‘sourpuss’ that migrated from US to UK English in the 20thC suggest this to be the case.

‘Purse’ was around in old English from the 12thC and was more akin to a scrotum than a vulva until recently.

Not to criticize your critique; I agree entirely.